Pat Cassels 100% For Actual!

watch "full frontal with samantha bee," mondays at 10:30 on tbs!

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Jesus, "Honeymoon in Vegas" might have Hollywood's most interesting cast ever.

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New headshot.

[theavc]

Acid washed: ’90s high schoolers caught on tape

Depending on your age, Josh Burdick’s 45-minute slice-of-life home video “April 1990 - Video I Shot Of My Typical Day Of a High School Student,” is either a nostalgia trip or strange alien artifact of a bygone era. There’s no real attempt at a narrative through-line here. Instead, it’s exactly what it says on the cardboard case, starting with the then 18-year-old Burdick waking up to his alarm clock and making breakfast and ending some time around the end of the school day.

Even the act of being filmed is cause for sheepishness or intrigue, rather than being simply a natural part of a teenager’s life. It’s an authentic glimpse into a seminal time for another generation.

More at avclub.com

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I love absolutely everything about this video.

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Informal poll: best fictional beverage from the Mike Judge universe?

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“The Sizzler Is A Chili’s Now.” A Bruce Springsteen-style song I wrote with Brian Murphy a few years ago for an unproduced CollegeHumor music video. It's about being nostaligic for the town your grew up in, when the town you grew up in was an overdeveloped suburb. The song isn’t sponsored by anyone; we just love chain restaurants. Composed by Jay Wadley.

Comedy

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“Back to the Future In Actual 2015.” A new cartoon I wrote with Mike Trapp. Great Scott!

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#Hero

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Mike Trapp and I invented a game show that proves either (a) how charming sociopaths are or (b) how sociopathic charmers are.

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Here is another video I wrote. (Wrote = thought of body parts that made me laugh.)

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I wrote another installment of “Actors Tweeted.” Special thanks to famous people for having no filter online.

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Now What’s Cooler Than Being Cool?

ICE COLD!

Now what’s cooler than being “ice cold?”

LIQUID HELIUM!

Now what’s cooler than being liquid helium?

ABSOLUE ZERO!

Okay, now what’s cooler than being Absolute Zero?

NOTHING, BY DEFINITION ABSOLUTE ZERO IS THE COLDEST TEMPERATURE MATTER CAN BE!

Alright alright alright alright!

[patrickcassels]

Leaked Excerpts From The “To Kill A Mockingbird” Sequel

Some pages from Harper Lee’s highly anticipated “Go Set A Watchman” just leaked online. Her prose is as beautiful as it was 50 years ago.

“Scout Finch was the best damn lawyer in in the state. At least, that’s what she’d tell you. Then again, she’d tell you just about damn near anything if she thought there was some cold, hard cash to be made in it for her. Money, that’s what Scout cared about. The green stuff. But tonight, as she took a swig from her whiskey (her favorite drink) under the fluorescent lights of Gil’s Bar, Scout wasn’t really in the ‘celebrating’ kind of mood, if you know what I mean. No, not with that son of a gun Griswold still on the loose. And not with this shitty damn whiskey Gil the bartender was serving. ‘Heh,’ thought Scout to herself in her own head, downing the last of the brown stuff, ‘just my luck, ain’t it?’ It was gonna be a long night.” (p1)

“’Are you alone?’ the figure asked Scout from the shadowy corner of the parking garage. ‘Nah,’ joked Scout with a grin. ‘I brought my nana, and the 1929 New York Yankees.’ Scout took a last drag on her smoke and crushed it with her boot. ‘I heard you were funny,’ the figure said. ‘But you won’t be laughing once the Parallax Corporation finds out you have the microchip.’” (p30)

“Jason Bourne tossed Scout a loaded Walther PPK and the two raced through the halls of Pentagon looking for terrorists. Scout griped the handgun tight. Damn, she liked the way it felt in her hand. It was strangely familiar, like gripping a bottle of cold gin (her favorite drink), or a lover’s hand. Scout loaded a bullet into the chamber and cocked back the hammer. ‘Mommy like,’ she quipped to Bourne.” (p200)

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Pat's Top Fireworks

-The blue and yellow ones that go POW

-The purple-y durple guys that make that dope krackling noise

-Those red motherfuckers

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Hope you all had a great America's B-Day. Here is a re-post in honor of the holiday!

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President Whitmore's Speech at the End of "Independence Day" if It Fell on Different Holidays than July 4

“In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Perhaps it’s fate that today is Groundhog Day, and we once again find ourselves wondering if the winter will last another six weeks. A metaphoric winter, I mean, of this alien invasion.”

“…Perhaps it’s fate that today is Administrative Professonals’ Day, and we once again find ourselves, um, buying mugs from The Hallmark Store to show our appreciation for our co-workers. Mugs of courage. And the co-workers are, like, our fellow humans. And obviously not an actual Hallmark Store. (whispers to self) You’re blowing it, Whitmore!”

“…Perhaps it’s fate that today is Independence Day. Icelandic Independence day. And we – or at least those of us who are Icelandic – once again find ourselves fighting for our freedom. From the Danish. It makes sense if you think about it, I promise.”

“…Perhaps it’s fate that today is Chinese New Year, and we find ourselves standing as proud as the noble, um, what’s this the year of? The rat? Okay, not very noble. Shit. Fuck.”

“…Perhaps it’s fate that today is the first day of Oktoberfest, and most of you appear to be drunk. Speaking of which, may I ask who plans on flying in less than an hour? Wow, like the drunkest ones.”

“…Perhaps it’s fate that today is Rosh Hashanah, and we find Earth’s resources coveted by a race that wants to rule the world. Wow. That came out really wrong. I obviously meant the aliens and not the okay you’re booing me I’m gonna go.”

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Re-posting in honor of Independence Day. WELCOME TO EARF.

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Jurassic Park In Different Geologic Eras. I had a lot of fun writing this tribute to one of my favorite films (co-written by Mike Trapp). P.S. This has one of the best Goldblum impressions I’ve ever heard.

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Think I figured out why “Game of Thrones” co-creator David Benioff drastically re-cast Daario.

[patrickcassels]

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

G'day team,

Last night there was an accident at the velociraptor paddock and Geoffrey was eaten. I think we’ve been getting reckless around the dinosaurs lately, so I’m making the following changes to park protocol:

Do not...