Andrew Lloyd Webber Hates Women

"Patti LuPone's" blog. Not inactive, just resting my vocal chords.

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Two Time Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone, which Shakespearean role do you think is most suited for you, an actress of the upmost respect and skill?

In 1975 I was privileged to meet Sir Laurence Olivier in a Jewish supermarket in Queens. When recounting this anecdote during my tenure at the Royal Shakespeare Company some ten years later I learned that Sir Olivier was a renowned interpreter of Shakespeare.

‘Shakespeare.’ The word fell strangely on my Italian tongue. Who was this man, I asked Trevor Nunn, whose name I have now encountered two times? Shakespeare, he told me, was a ‘bard’. A ‘bard’ is a term for a playwright who is Shakespeare. His plays could only be described as ‘Shakespearean,’ encompassing as they did all human life, which is why they are performed on the globe.

I ran to the nearest bookstore and asked if they had any Shakespeare. Luckily, they had. I flipped through the pages of Hamlet and cried. “What obscure knowledge is hidden in these words,” I said, “and how may I, an actress with one Tony, ever understand Shakespeare?”

In my many years spent working in the theatre since, I feel that I am now better equipped to understand Shakespeare. And yet, something about him still eludes me. Perhaps it is because he wrote in a very different world, and never had the opportunity to write about subjects such as Italy. Or perhaps it is because the breadth of Shakespeare is much greater than one person alone can grasp, for in his words are all of life.

So, to answer your question, if I were to choose a Shakespeare character to play, I would choose all of them, for I am a student and an imitator of life, and all of life is in Shakespeare. Thank you.

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Two-time Tony award-winner Patti Lupone, do you eat pineapple on your pizza?

Your question reminds me of a conversation I had with Luciano Pavarotti. I was dining alone when I saw him in a sultry New York restaurant in 1976, and I chanced to introduce myself. “Signor Pavarotti,” I said, “I am the great-grand niece of Adelina Patti, and an actress who sings.”

“I shall call you ‘my child,’ for you are a child of Italy,” he said, “But tell me, you know the Americans well, no?”

“Though Italian of blood,” I replied, “I was born in America, educated here, and my great successes have been on the American stage.”

“Then you may enlighten us,” he said, gesturing to his entourage of well-dressed Italian men and women who were seated around the table. “In Italy, making a pizza is like making love to a woman - it is a delicate act, that demands a depth of feeling and sensual refinement to create a symphony of experience. But it seems that just as the Americans make sex vulgar, American pizza is vulgar.”

He poured me a glass of red wine and invited me to sit.

“Signor Pavarotti,” I said, “it is true that there are few to rival us Italians when it comes to passion for cuisine. I have heard that my own great grandmother died while making minestrone, and when it was served at her funeral, it killed the priest. Is American pizza vulgar? I cannot say. If you do not mind me asking, I wonder are your Italian taste buds, refined as they are, simply unaccustomed to the American sensibility?”

“It is not a question of sensibility,” replied Pavarotti, “but rather of the ignorance and arrogance of American chefs. They have no respect for the history of Italian cuisine, and so their pizza is a shallow and artless experience. Look at these toppings,” he said, showing me the menu, “what shall they try next? Chocolate pizza? Salted pizza? A fruit-salad pizza, with oranges and peaches and pineapples?” 

The word hung over us like a swinging chandelier. A small old man at the end of the table dared to speak:

“Luciano, mio amico, the Americans indeed put pineapple on the pizza.”

With disgust, Pavarotti swung his hand and knocked my wine glass to the floor.

“You see?” he said, “Americans are without taste. They cannot even tell sweet from savoury.”

“Now Signor Pavarotti,” I said, “that’s unfair. Is an ananas really so different from a tomato? In fact, the sweet and tangy taste of such a fruit may compliment the cheese and sourdough of a pizza, if done right. Is that not a symphony of flavour?”

“I see,” said Pavarotti, “that a young diva dares to refute an old master. Amore mio, I believe you are like the pineapple, and I, the pizza. I am a singer of tradition and cultivation. Your appeal is strong, innate, but tart. If the two can be combined,” he grabbed my hand, “well, we shall see.”

Pavarotti walked me to the till of the restaurant. However, as I was paying for my meal, he stole my purse and ran down the street. He wasn’t actually a successful singer in those days. I heard that my purse was stolen from him later that night by a mugger. It was over twenty years later that I realised that this must have been the ghost of Maria Callas. I believe this answers your question.

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Two Time Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone, how did it feel to invent fashion at the opening night of avenue of broadway?

I know that because I am Italian and have great skin you might assume that I am older than I look, however, I was not around for the opening of the avenue of Broadway, which dates back to the 1600s! Rumour is that theatre existed on the Broadway even earlier than that, when the richest and classiest of the Native American tribes of Manhattan would gather to watch ritual performances about the wives of leaders of other, South American tribes.

I invented fashion in the fall of 1977, when I sewed two large boxer shorts into a one-piece and wore it to Studio 54.

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Future Four Time Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone, what does Bob Gunton smell like?

I can only speak to how he smelled as he was in character as Peron; chestnut and pine, an extinguished flame, brine, revolution. 

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what did you do when you watched the solar eclipse way back in 1979

I must admit that I missed that particular eclipse due to my pre-established habit of blotting the sun from my sight each afternoon for three hours. Those dark hours each day symbolise the years I lost to Andrew Lloyd Webber. This was a practice I began in 1979.

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did u do acid

Did I “do” acid? “Did” I do acid? When I read a good script, I see acid. When I stand upon a stage, I feel acid. My sleep is tinged with the acid tears of my ancestors. I’m Italian! I eat acid! And if you wish to so diminish my existence of acid, my being of acid, and the acid that consumes an actress’ soul, then yes, you can say that I “do acid.”

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Two Time Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone, what are your plans on disposing the problem known as Andrew Lloyd Webber?

In preparing for my guest spot on Frasier under very misguided assumptions as to the nature of the role, I spent much time researching Buddhist texts, and in doing so learned much about something called the transience of worldly things. 

It turns out everything is transient, and this has certainly helped me in coping with my feelings towards Lord Webber. The waters of the Andrew Lloyd Webber Memorial Pool continuously flow, yet it is not the same water from year to year, as my pool boy changes it sometimes. The autumnal leaves that roll, roll, roll seemingly unceasingly upon the surface of the water are a nuisance while they last, but they never last for long, as my pool boy clears them with a net. Yes, so it is with Andrew Lloyd Webber. 

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Two Time Tony Award Winner Patti Lupone, did you have anyone specific in mind whenever you sang Squeeze Me at Les Mouches?

An actor’s mind is a terrifying place. To inhabit another human being, one must first become a blank slate. As such, I have never paid attention to my own cognitive process while performing. Let me perform now and tell you what my mind’s eye sees.

God!

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Two Time Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone, why didn't Steve let you play Cinderella?

Every so often I throw a cold eye down to the past. Oh! How I try not to look! But like a traveller on his way across an old rope bridge, amidst foreign topography, his hands burning from their tight clutch, I cannot help but crane my neck down to that perilous gulf, staring dumb at the danger. I see my own cosmic smallness all at once with terrifying clarity - the gulf far below me, the mountain peaks still above me. So it is too when I look at my past.  You ask me about a particular moment of my past, and I shall examine it. Let me plunge from the bridge and pick a gardenia!

Why did Stephen Sondheim not want me to play Cinderella? Why subject me to the pain? The sleepless afternoon? I can only assume it’s because he wanted my vocals fresh for Sweeney Todd. I asked my husband and he didn’t reply.

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did you and mandy ever to the frick-frack paddy-wack

Im anssweeibg on mobile in a rehearsal frp war paijt (opembs aprol 6th) but thatsv 2 time Tony award winner part luppy, 0 time tony winner mandyvpatinkin abd FUCK TOU

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Two time Tony award winner Patti Lupone, did you prefer acting in American Horror Story or 30 Rock?

I don’t think I’ve seen 30 rocks in my life! I’m Italian!

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#ReminiscencesOfTravel

I have given the world my mind, body, and soul. But what has the world given me?

Two chickens from Turkey

A maid from Albuquerque

This jar is from the Sudan

A Korean facial clean-a

A ghost from Argentina,

And one wild night from Iran!

(In 2006 I performed in New York for the handsome Mahmoud Ahmadinejad during a diplomatic visit of his, and despite the state of relations between our home countries, my performance was received well by both the Americans and Iranians in attendance. The less said about what followed, the better!)

From England, a vile man

Who hurts my dear heart, 

Which was gifted to me from Italy.

And don’t you go thinkin’

I’ve forgotten Patinkin

Who’s from Illinois, so wittily!

Yes, it is a dear world

When you’re Patti LuPone

So wear a wide smile

(And turn off your phone!)

And perhaps each person,

Whether big or small,

Can see that this world

Has pleasures for all!

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Two time Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone, if ALW called on his death bed and asked, as his dying wish, for you to belt "Rainbow High" in his face one last time, would you do it?

On the day that Andrew died, I was sitting in my armchair, sipping a cup of coffee. Feeling a twinge of freedom in the back of my mind, I decided to step outside onto the balcony. A gentle breeze ruffled my hair, and I could hear bells somewhere in the distance. Something about this scene reminded me of an opera I once did, but I couldn't quite place the feeling. This was back in 1993, but the thought of his passing is still with me whenever I receive a letter from Tim Rice.

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#ParableHour

My father was building a wall. One day, as I was walking by, he asked me to hand a brick to him, as his hands were busy.

“No,” I said, “for I am an actor. My vocal chords and soul should be calloused, not my hands.”

My father insisted. “Have you forgotten, my child, that you descend from a manual people?”

“Zero Time Tony Award-Winner Father,” I said, “today, I am Zero Time Tony Award-Winner Patti LuPone. One day, I will become One, Two, or Three Time Tony Award-Winner Patti LuPone. I have my path, and it is the only path that I can take. A brick to you - ha! - poison to me.”

My father died in a brick accident the next day. He was not my father, but rather a stranger who I have called my father for the purpose of the impact of this parable. Follow your dreams, little ones, for someday you may win two Tonys.

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Two Time Tony Award Winning Actress Patti LuPone, I am a senior in high school and I need a senior quote. Do you have any recommendations?

Mary Beth Piel emailed this to me, and I think it’s wonderful.

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Two-time Tony award winner Patti LuPone, what are your thoughts on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie separating?

I have had many marriages in my life, my husband and the theatre among them, but I have also shared the marriage bed of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, from behind the covers of People magazine, and also from a separate bed. 

Oh, how sad it all makes me. Who can fail to recall the thrill of the scandal with Jennifer Aniston? The beating of my heart set its pace to the spikes and valleys of the line chart that tracked the emotions running high, high, high. My heart did too slow down and warm as the line chart fell to a plateau of long term marital bliss for dear Bradgelina, waking only periodically to skip and jump to cries of joy from each adopted child, the birth cries of the biological ones. Indeed, I have shared much with Bradgelina, who for political correctness’ sake I will now refer to as Brad and Angelina. It has come to nought. I, too, have lost.

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Patti, what was life like on Long Island.

Ah, Long Island. I remember it fondly… the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, who can say when it was, but nonetheless the charms of Long Island will never change. The streetcar past my house - going ring! ring! And the song of the birdies as they sing, sing. On an island long, such bliss is birdsong, which sets my heart afling, afling.