paucis verbis. @paucisverbis - Tumblr Blog

This is my last post.

This blog has been a personal space for many years throughout my twenties. What started as a distraction without any specific purpose became an important place of records for my thoughts and more. For years, it allowed me to articulate things without burden. It allowed me to be spontaneous and most importantly honest with my thoughts and emotions. Although I have not written much these past several years, I hope you understand that absence of my writings here is not evidence of my absence. I am closing it now because it no longer serves any meaningful purpose.

When it comes to people here, I have quite a few fond memories. I want to thank all of you who befriended me and interacted with me through this medium for better or worse. Granted, with some of you, we have not spoken for some time, that does not mean I forgot about you. Even though we may never meet in person, I love you all and wish you only the best. There will be a piece of you in me always and I am grateful for that. For those who have followed me in silence, I thank you for your readership.

Where will I go? Life is a journey with a collection of love letters, and the story must go on. I am going to keep making new plans. I am an adventurer and I want to remain truthful to who I am. So, I am going to experience as much as I can, even if I must go outside the comfort zone.

I cannot help but feel I did not live up to my standard in my twenties. In my thirties, I am going to go places. I pray that I will continuously have the strength to persevere. I pray that I will continue to live with a sense of purpose, deep thoughts, and an unyielding passion for what is good.

Despite all these words, there is no conclusion to be made.

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Chant du ménestrel, Op.71 (pour violoncelle et orchestre)

Andres Diaz (Cello) and Samuel Sanders (Piano)

Composer: Alexander Glazunov

I haven’t written here for some time. Every expressed thought and feeling seemed to be repetitive and, honestly, revisiting them is so futile that it serves no practical purpose. There is much work to be done, much life to be lived, and yet I’m not positive I’m making right decisions lately. Perhaps, too much ambiguity is taking toll on my body and spirit alike.

The air is a bit cool to my liking, which makes my mood uneasy, but the constant beats of a small waterfall next to me keep my thoughts going.

It is so easy to lose grip on reality if you let it. Sometimes, even the wisest makes a regrettable decision; the most composed falls in the trap of impulse. I am neither, and to think it is okay to let it slip is not acceptable. The work is not over yet, far from it, and perhaps it never will. I am a fighter. Let’s get back to it.

That is why for anything and everything that matters, it takes courage: to know it may end anytime but to have the faith it will last.

Almost every night, I say the words, yet never I find it easy. In a moment of weakness, I lose composure and let emotion take the best of me, and yet in that precise moment I am the most courageous. I wish I knew the way but I do not, and just maybe I will never figure it out. If this is the cost of being a man that I am, then I will gracefully accept it.

I desire only the deepest and the truest.

I need some time alone.

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Hurt by Johnny Cash

Cover of the original by Nine Inch Nails/Trent Reznor

People are so busy talking about rights to which they are entitled, they have forgotten about responsibilities that come with those rights.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray (rev. 1891)

I need to believe something extraordinary is possible.

A friend is thinking of asking the big question to his girlfriend. It was only a couple of years ago when he sought my advice on dating. This was his first relationship and likely the happily ever after. It is a joy seeing his faith rewarded. He’s a good man, one of the few. It seems he wants to meet with me before he asks his girl. It is a privilege, and I’m truly happy for him.

It is easier to destroy than to build. We often choose the easier way. Doubts are the most effective agent of destruction because they stem from a constant human condition known as uncertainty. And destruction of a mental prowess often leaves a profound impact.

I take deep breaths. Now that I am finally here, making an attempt for the move that I have been planning and wanting for years, I expect quite a few heavy tides ahead of me. It is not going to be easy for a number of months at the least.

In many ways, I am in a bind. It will take much effort and strengths of all kinds. It will take preparation. It will take many actions and decisions, which without a doubt will bring significant effects. Only regrets I have are that I let myself fall off and convinced myself that it was okay to look for easier ways, bunkering in, when all this time I knew there was no such a thing and, even if there was, it was only going to make me weaker. For that, it took me longer to get back on my feet, and that is the price I dearly had to pay.

I am hopeful, however, more than ever. I find courage from stories of those who lived before I: men during the war time who went through hell and back to survive; men who succeeded despite setbacks. In comparison, mine is insignificant. My father once told me, to live is to struggle. We do so because we must. 2018. Let me get my life back. Let me do my best once again.

You know, with you, I will not regret it, even if the worst possible scenario happens. Every possibility, good and bad, already has crossed my mind. Every moment has been meaningful and I hope that it will remain that way for a very long time. Maybe none of it will matter. Maybe everything matters. I don’t know and honestly I don’t want to think about it.

At the end, there are really two kinds of memories: ones we want to remember and ones we choose to forget. No matter what happens, I will not forget you.

It is going to be all right.

Sometimes, it’s the very people of whom no one imagines anything who do the things that no one can imagine.

Where did we lose our step? There are many men that want power and wealth, but not many men seem to be interested in honor. It is a difficult path, but to shy away because it is difficult, that will be a great disservice to one’s conscience. To be a man that can be respected by fellow men and women, every day and every second, am I choosing the right actions? I have had my share of flaws with men and women. Every step requires self-assessment and improvement. There is no shame in that. However, there is a line which a man should not cross because doing so is too easy and you cannot come back from it. There is no redemption.

Nothing too dramatic. Nothing too superficial. How about ... just right?

A bit chilly, but the morning stroll is nice.

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