[paultimoney]

2018 – Become The Patron Saint Of Small Things

Archangel Gerry has an appropriately succinct message for 2018. Stop poking your snout into matters that don’t concern you. We all know that you are trying to make the world a better place for you and for me and the entire human race* but to the angels and saints you look like a watchmaker’s ignorant apprentice wielding a mallet over a tiny timepiece. You are making an absolute shite of everything you put your fist to. Please help by not helping.

Focus solely (soul-ly) on the folks (focus) ( hmmm... that folks-focus one is actually a bit annoying... maybe ignore it) who (you might actually need to go back and start reading this sentence again) may be (just skip the parts in brackets) closest to you (because I ruined the flow and the meaning of the sentence with all these interruptions) at the eventually upcoming day of (day off) (that was just me being silly) your death. If you can be but certain only of the presence of yourself, then that is where you ought to begin. Squint inwardly with all the love that you can muster. Be as real and as honest as you dare.

Does any of this matter? You matter. You are matter. You are the matter. You are your matter - the matter that matters to you. This is not selfishness. This is  not narcissism. It is the beginning of the betterment of everything.    

If you would like to purchase a print of this holy picture, which will in all likelihood bring you happiness and good fortune throughout 2018, then follow the following link - PLEASE HELP ME GERRY. 

* ‘A better place for you and for me and the entire human race...’ is a quote from a Michael Jackson song called Heal The World. 

[artslant]

Watchlist Artist: Fiona Kelly

www.artslant.com/ew/articles/show/38144

[paultimoney]

SAFE CROSS CODE - MULLINGAR VERSION

I tipped into Buckley's Supermarket yesterday evening to do a few messages before the tea. I saw a couple of female children, probably sisters, standing at the footpath's edge outside it.

 Now, when I was young lad we had a six step Safe Cross Code that Brendan Grace used to sing on the TV. 

If that video would work then this would be a lovely little self contained blog. I have a feeling it won't so here is another link as well.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEssgMQ1O_k

 And the instructions in the form of a written list...because I don't trust that either.

 1. Look for a safe place.

2. Don't hurry, stop and wait.

3. Look all around and listen before you cross the road...REMEMBER...

4. Let all the traffic past you.

5. Then walking straight across, you...

6. Keep watching. That's the Safe Cross Code. That's the Safe Cross Code...KNOW THE CODE.

The older sister...who I think was aged twelve or thirteen had created her own fairly pared back, boiled down version of The Safe Cross Code. I heard her recite it to her (probably) sister aged (probably) four. It contains only two steps. Here is the first... 

And the second...which she delivered before the younger child had had a chance to acknowledge, say or do anything in response to the first instruction...

'Eegit' there is pronounced with a hard 'g', like in the likes of 'goose' or 'gadget'...which i always think sounds harsher...and funnier... than 'eegit' pronounced 'ee-jit'. So if anyone out there has any musical skills and would like to put a tune to those couple of safety pointers it might be a good way to help to protect a few lives or something.

[paultimoney]

THE MUSEUM OF MADE UP STUFF

Here is a fun project that I did today with some young fellows at a primary school. The boys were tasked with the invention of imaginary and unrealistic functions for some extraordinarily  ordinary objects. These objects were then displayed museum-style, along with texts and diagrams, to explain the made-up reasons for their existences...

Existences??? I don't know. Spellcheck seems happy - that's the main thing...

We didn't have no fancy plinths or nothin' so we just arranged our exhibits on plastic chairs in a big hall...

This is the 'Controlling Controller'. According to the burb - 'This device is so spectacular it can contol people. Seán and Pauric made this super device. They made it in 3071. The first time it was used was in 3072. It was used on a child called James O' Sullivan. We never saw that child again. And it still works today. It works for the car as well.'

'This is a very special teleporter if you write on a page and press the button 'SCAN' then it will scan it and it will teleport you there. If you press the button "TIME" you can say past or future and say the date and you will teleport there. When you press the button "COUNT" you say the number of gold and you will get it. And finally the button "CAL" when you press it and you will get back. THE END.'

'The Beat Up Alarm Clock was invented in 2553 by Dimmie Abdut(?) and Mathew Keegan. The Beat Up Alarm Clock was invented to wake up heavy sleepers. If you slept too long the Alarm Clock would beep for one minute and if you didn't stop it you would be punched a max of 75 times then you would wake up of the feeling I'm never sleeping heavy again!'

 And now for an idea inspired by a plastic clothes hanger...

Here is one based on a bicycle lamp...

'The epheobus mark III commonly known as the 'alien transmitter' was discovered by a group of expeditioneers looking for life of intelligence in the Vostok solar system. Explorers finally discovered intelligence in 2091 on the planet Forresant. The alien transmitter is used to send and receive messages around different planets in the universe. Not only does the alien transmitter do that but when the message is sent the red laser shows the holographic image of the other individual.'

And lastly...a TV remote control that became...

That is just a sample of the thingameejigs that featured in 'The Museum Of Made Up Stuff'. Feel free to try it yourself. If you are a facilitator or other interested individual who would like to know more about the preparations and activities that led to the final task then feel free to contact me through this website - www.paultimoney.com...

[paultimoney]

THE UPSIDE DOWN PIG

Sher it is only fantastic to see me so excited about going on the radio tomorrow evening for the Arena show on Radio One - http://www.rte.ie/radio1/arena - and it is just a short slot...and I know the poem that I am going to recite by heart...and I have performed it for a plethora of people and pals in the past.

But even so...there is a small, silly portion of my brain that kind of thinks I could...perhaps...possibly...probably won't...and actually probably really won't...but still actually really might direct my mouth towards the microphone...with the intention of saying the verses I rehearsed...AND THEN SOME SUDDEN OTHER UNEXPECTED PART OF ME WILL USURP CONTROL AND SAY SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD!!!

 And I am not afeared that I will ejaculate profanity or rage or racism. I have been more imagining that my subconscience could connect directly and unfiltered to my gob and ramble off a lock of nonsense. So yesterday, says I to myself.  'Timo," I said, "go ahead and write me down those words as they might flow."

And this is what arrived...

  The Upside down Pig

I was doing a handstand in the dormitory

A pig passed past

He, the pig, if he was a he

Swiped my wallet

Nicely, gently

Brushing his hoof lightly

Against the backside of my body

And I roared inside myself

That he/she/it was welcome

To every worthless penny in that purse

For taking the time to rob me nicely

And in as dignified a way as was ever possible

At that particular time 

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