Peace out, dignity. @peaceoutdignity - Tumblr Blog

West of Eden

How does The West appear? It’s impossible to hold you here. Heart half full or half empty? I want you, but you follow what you see.

#sometimesijustneedtowritethingsdown

This is a place that you... that you all made so you could find one another. The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they all needed you.

For What?

To remember. And to let go.

We were supposed to be born around the same time, but you came out six weeks early. You struggled. Your mom couldn't provide the milk you needed so my mom fed you... a fact you did NOT like to hear repeated by your mother on the occasional Sunday when we served together. You were crucifer before I was... but that might be because you were way more into it than I was. I think I only served because sometimes I got to sit next to you.

We were confirmed along with Sarah and Tommy in the Episcopalian church at the same time on some spring Sunday morning in the late '80s. I remember my mom telling the story of how when my sisters were confirmed, the bishop slapped each of them, apparently it was something that was commonly done. "Slapping the hell out of" a kid claiming to know enough to know that they're forever gonna love the church was standard. You looked startled for a second, but smiled and blushed at not getting the joke when you realized that it wouldn't be done to you.

There were the youth group ski weekends when the adults would stack us like cord wood into vans and sedans, climb high into the Sierras, and dump us into cold plywood-and-siding cabins smothered in several feet of snow. My mother knew I had a heaving crush on you and took that picture of Wally, your brother, Lindsay, Miranda, me, you, and Dion. I looked at that photo for what must amount to hours. When I read "Blankets," the parts at the church camp threw echoes of you at me.

Later, once we'd branched out from our little worlds, you started going out with another girl named Pam and I dated another boy named Matt. I was amused by that.

I told my mom at some point that I thought you were "deep." She's brought that up a few times. You were. You were thinking about things on levels that I didn't know about yet. Later, there were those "not in my back yard" murmurs about some grown man's despicable behavior with you... how the principal at McQuiddy knew about it but didn't do anything... and how you were totally messed up by it.

When I was feeling low, I wrote out a list of everyone I knew and loved and who loved me. You were in the first column of names.

I can't really remember anything we said to each other... any tween conversation or dumb joke... though I'm sure I replayed all of our conversations in my head for weeks after we had them. I just remember that I liked being around you.

I think the last time we ever saw each other was sometime late in high school. We were in my car. Or maybe I was soon headed to college. We just drove around and talked. I remember thinking that we'd really come a long way in our lives... as people just out of high school often do.

You were mellow and calm and caring... you were weird and kind of funny if I go by general feeling.

When you sent me a facebook friend request several years back, I have to admit to a few moments of if-I-won-the-lottery type musings about you. After exchanging a few notes, our divergent paths made obvious, we checked in with each other once in a while. Your bizarre comedy was a sign that something that wasn't quite right. You seemed... unsettled... in an I-know-I'm-nuts-but-I'm-totally-cool-with-it-and-I'm-not-going-to-force-it-on-you-but-I'll-show-you-what-it's-like sort of way. You were a happy and exploring type of lunatic. You... lived well in it.

I admit to immediately thinking it was suicide, but then there's news of the aggressive brain tumor that spread to your spine, to your bones, to their marrow. You were paralyzed and in violent pain.

I'll always adore you. I cut my crush teeth on you. I find myself crying tonight for you, your family, your friends, and for the younger me. The me who day-dreamt about you... two people long gone but until now still right here. I'm crying because you weren't just a person but a total human being who was free from all pretense... a mensch in a messed up head and a messed up world... a singular combination of wonder and wisdom.

...and because...

I love you in a place where there's no space or time.

Haenim

Just so you know... John Slattery and Justin Theroux are twins.

I love my dad.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THE DISTANCE FROM THE DENALI HOTELS AND THE ACTUAL MOUNTAIN WAS SO GREAT. OR MAYBE I DID, BUT I SURE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THERE ARE SO MANY MOUNTAINS BETWEEN HERE IN THE DENALI PARK HEADQUARTERS AREA, AND THE MOUNTAIN, THAT DENALI IS NOT OBSERVABLE FROM HERE. THE HOTELS ARE ALL IN A CANYON THAT EVEN ON THE BEST OF SUNNY DAYS WITH DENALI SHINING BRIGHTLY, NOBODY WOULD HAVE ANY IDEA THAT THERE WAS A BIG MOUNTAIN OUT THERE ANYWHERE. TO SEE THE MOUNTAIN, YOU HAVE TO RIDE 15 MILES AND ON A GOOD DAY YOU CAN SEE THE TOP OF THE HIGHEST TIP.. LIKE, HOLD YOUR HAND OUT HORIZONTALLY IN FRONT OF YOU AND SEPARATE YOUR THUMB FROM YOUR FOREFINGER BY A QUARTER INCH AND THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU'D SEE FROM 15 MILES OUT OF TOWN. TO GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE WHOLE MOUNTAIN, IT'S NECESSARY TO RIDE A SCHOOL BUS ABOUT 65 MILES, OBVIOUSLY NOT IN GREAT COMFORT.. THAT'S 130 MILES ROUND TRIP.. SO, WE WON'T BE SEEING DENALI IN ALL OF IT'S GLORY, NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF THE RIDE, BUT ALSO SINCE IT IS CLOUDY AND THE TRIP TO VIEW DENALI WOULD BE FRUITLESS, UNLESS YOU LIKE SEEING ASPEN AND ''BLACK PINE'' TREES OF WHICH THERE ARE PLENTY AROUND THE AREA WHERE WE ARE STAYING.

WE'VE DISCOVERED THAT THE PRIME METHOD OF COOKING IN THIS PART OF ALASKA IS DEEP FRYING.. IT SEEMS TO BE ALMOST THE EXCLUSIVE METHOD OF COOKNG.. WE'VE SEEN EVERYTHING DEEP FRIED OTHER THAN A SALAD, BUT AS TODAY PASSES, THAT MY SHOW UP TOO, THOUGH SALADS ARE NOT ON THE TOP OF MANY MENUS EITHER. WE'RE CRAVING SOME GOOD NON-FRIED FOOD.. SO FAR, WE HAVE NOT BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND MUCH.. IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF NOT BEING WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE OF A GOOD MEAL, THERE JUST ISN'T MUCH GOOD FOOD AVAILABLE.. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE PICKED A BETTER PLACE TO SAY, BUT AT $200 A DAY, I THOUGHT THIS PLACE WOULD HAVE A DECENT RESTAURANT.. I'LL NOT BE ABLE TO LOOK AT ANOTHER FRENCH FRY OR POTATO CHIP UNTIL 2015. THERE ARE SOME TANKER CARS IN THE TRAIN YARD AT DENALI PARK. I'M SURE THEY ARE FULL OF DEEP FRY OIL, EITHER COMING OR GOING BACK TO BE RECYCLED..

SO FAR, QUITE A FEW MOOSE. MOSTLY COWS, AND BABY MOOSE ARE FAIRLY MUCH ALL OVER, NOT IN HERDS, BUT IN FAMILY UNITS. THEY ARE NOT VERY AFRAID OF TRAFFIC OR TOURISTS. WE'VE SEEN CARIBU AND THE STATE BIRD, PTARMIGAN, AND THE UNOFFICIAL STATE BIRD THE MOSQUITO.. THE LATTER BEING IN GREAT ABUNDANCE. I BET THAT THE STATE USES ABOUT AS MUCH MOSQUITO REPELLANT AS GASOLINE.. MAYBE ONE OR TWO OF THOSE RAIL TANKER CARS IS FILLED WITH MOSQUITO REPELLANT? IT WOULDN'T BE A BAD IDEA..

WE'VE SEEN AND DONE ALL WE WANTED TO SEE AND DO, OTHER THAN SEE DENALI, AND THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN PER THE WEATHER REPORT.. OUR ADVENTURE TODAY WILL BE TO SNEAK ONTO A ''PRINCESS CRUISES'' BUS AND GO TO THEIR HOTEL/RESTAURANT. WE HEAR THAT THEY WILL FEED MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC FOR A FEE. WE EXPECT IT WON'T BE CHEAP, EVERYTHING IS EXPENSIVE HERE, BUT HOPEFULLY IT WON'T BE SERVED FROM A DEEP FAT FRYER.. THERE IS ALSO A HOLLAND AMERICA CRUISE LINE RESTAURANT IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE PRINCESS RESTAURANT. BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, WE MIGHT FIND A FAT REDUCED MEAL..

HAVING A GREAT TIME SO FAR, OTHER THAN THE FIRST NIGHT HERE AT DENALI. I SPENT EXTRA TO HAVE A CABIN INSTEAD OF A HOTEL ROOM.. IT'S RIGHT ON THE RIVER AND THE RIVER IS SOOTHING WITH IT'S RIPPLING SOUNDS. FIRST NIGHT, WE SAT OUT ON THE DECK AND HAD A GLASS OF WINE AND FED THE MOSQUITOS.. DEPLETED OF BLOOD, SLEEP CAME EASLY ---- UNTIL THE FIRST TRUCK PASSED ALONG THE HIGHWAY BRIDGE THAT WAS ABOVE OUR CABIN. IT SEEMS THAT THE HOTEL MAP FORGOT TO ADD THE HIGHWAY'S PROXIMITY TO THE CABIN AREA MAP ON THEY PUT ON THE INTERNET. THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY DIDN'T SHOW THE HIGHWAY AND IT'S BRIDGE BECAUSE THEIR MAP WAS ONLY OF THE HOTEL PROPERTY AND THE HIGHWAY WAS ON STATE PROPERTY. IT SOUNDED LIKE A PRETTY CANNED ANSWER AND LIKE I WASN'T THE FIRST ONE TO ASK THE QUESTION,.. EVERY TIME A TRUCK PASSED DURING THE NIGHT, AND THERE WERE 13 BETWEEN 1:30 AND 2AM ALONE, AS THEY LET UP ON THEIR JAKE BRAKES, THEY HIT A METAL FLAP ON THE NORTH SIDE OF THE BRIDGE THE FLAP MADE THE CONNECTION OF THE BRIDGE TO THE ABUTMENT THAT HELD THE BRIDGE TO THE RIVER BANK ON THE NORTH SIDE AND ALLOWED THE CONNECTION TO EXPAND AND CONTRACT WITH THE SEVERE TEMPERATURE VARIATIONS THAT HAPPEN HERE.. EACH TIME IT SOUNDED LIKE THE TRUCK DROPPED A LARGE METAL GARBAGE DUMPSTER OUT THE BACK DOOR. IT WENT ON ALL NIGHT.. I READ A BOOK MOST OF THE NIGHT. FORTUNATELY IT WAS A GOOD BOOK.. YESTERDAY MORNING I WENT TO THE DESK AND REQUESTED A ROOM, BEING READY TO TAKE A CLOSET IF NO ROOMS WERE AVAILABLE, AS LONG AS IT WAS AWAY FROM THE HIGHWAY.. WE WERE MOVED A QUITE A WAY FROM THE BRIDGE AND STILL CAN HEAR IT, BUT NOT NEARLY AS BAD. I GOT ALMOST 4 HOURS SLEEP LAST NIGHT. A GREAT IMPROVEMENT.. MAYBE TONIGHT DUE TO SHEAR EXHAUSTION, I WILL JUST PASS OUT. KAREN SEEMS TO SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH ALL OF IT WITH NOT MUCH TIME AWAKE..

THE SUNLIGHT THING MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY NOT SLEEPING.. IT NEVER GETS DARK AND AT THE DARKEST, YOU CAN STILL READ A BOOK OUTSIDE WITHOUT A LIGHT. I WOULD GO OUT THERE AT NIGHT AND READ IF THE MOSQUITOS WOLDN'T CARRY ME AWAY. AND THEY ARE WAITING, SO I DONT GO OUT TO READ.. WE HIT THE LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR IN FAIRBANKS.

AS I SAID, WE'RE HAVING FUN AND LOVING IT.. WE LEAVE FOR ANCHORAGE ON WEDNESDAY AT NOON AND SHOULD FIND A GOOD MEAL THERE.. FRIENDS HAVE RECOMMENDED A GOOD RESTAURANT NEAR OUR HOTEL. WE'LL BE READY FOR IT..

FROM THE ROAD..

#dads #alaska #rooneyfamilysecrets

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Peace out, dignity.