I finally am what I am a fucking bag of bags ♫

Alex ✿ 23 ✿ Fine Art postgraduate ✿ FTM, identifying as genderqueer ✿ Cosplayer ✿ Anime & Cartoons ✿ Horror ✿ Indie ✿

[peacesign-middlefingers]

It's depressing to look at your life and search n understand the purpose of it.

You're fighting to be safe within yourself and in a house.. Like how is it possible to also fight for friendships.. When the will to live is bellow average?

I can't take anything else on board, I'm trying my best to grab anything around the hole and it's not enough

You ever feel so close to death that you can actually taste it and that feels like success?

You ever phone up a billion and one companies, trying to get an answer?

You ever cry out loud on a phone, that you don't even believe yourself anymore?

You ever watch what life was like before a moment in time and think it will never be the same again?

You ever cut so deep and desperate because no one is looking?

You ever think you're not correct in the way you're handling things because no one gives a response?

A help me isn't enough, a cry isn't enough, a cut isn't enough, killing yourself probably isn't enough..

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb idiot

I'm fucking frustrated at myself

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Sigh, I don’t think avoiding my accusations is a smart idea... You are honestly feeding my demons, but I feel better knowing where I stand. And apparently in your world, that’s nothing...

It was fun while it lasted

[peacesign-middlefingers]

It's easier to just put headphones in.. How fucking depressing is that in your own home?

Pounding bass bellow me is setting my dissociation on fire..

It's funny too because if I have my TV on, it gets louder. I'm sick of this house. I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable. I'm sick of not having room. I'm sick of not being in the kitchen for too long and being told off every little thing I do wrong. I'm sick of having a mental disorder that's invisible. I'm sick of everything.

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Felt cute, might delete later 👀

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Am I sad enough for clutching onto something to hope for?

Sad enough that I'm probably going to be disappointed?

Sad enough I'd rather break my heart for some happiness?

Sad enough to wait by a phone, waiting for a response?

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[buggyeyes]

[anacedisgrace]

This was so cool!! All the little references in the end holy shit I'm in my feels

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[carrionthird]

“Stop scrolling and please help me spread the word, because if I’ve landed on your page you’re most likely either a black woman or someone who cares about black women and the simple phrase I’m about to share could help save a black woman’s life.

Doctors are to black women what police officers are to black men. That may seem controversial but I believe it to be true and I speak from personal experience.

If you’ve seen this TikTok you know that a 2016 study showed that 50% of medical students and residents thought that black people couldn’t feel pain the same as white people.

And we learned from this video that because of a 1999 study, to this day, there’s a black correction factor for the creatinin levels in black people’s kidneys, meaning we’re less likely to recieve a kidney transplant if needed.

So if you go to a doctor, feel you aren’t getting proper treatment or they refuse the treatment you’ve requested, say to them the following:

I will need you to document on record that you are refusing the treatment (or medicine) I’ve requested, and the reason you are doing so.”

[dovewithscales]

This works. I have used it in other situations. If medical staff have to document and take responsibility and be on the hook legally for doing shady shit they behave much differently.

If you weren’t already going to spread this advice because black women are at risk, then spread it because it’s applicable to everyone else as well, including you reading this.

But particularly women, and especially black women.

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Another friend told me they needed space.. Idk how many times I can hear that before my brain breaks.

I'm near I need another relationship again from being alone, bored and depressed lmao

[lucifers-ass-cheek]

this thread absolutely killed me

[deacytits]

I’M FUCKING SCREAMING AND CRYING, OH MY GOD

[punkrockhippiefromthefourties]

One time I was so high that I got into bed and tried to put on my seatbelt

[thedgeofsleep]

hunting heehoo (2020) by mark fischbach and ethan nestor

“for a split second, as he was charging me i looked into his eyes and there was so little of him left. there was still something, though. which is why i came back. because i know he’s still in there, somewhere. he’s still out here.”

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Ultimately I need to keep myself alive.. And honestly don’t know how I keep that strength going...

I tend to wonder what would happen if I died And I don’t feel that it would make any difference... 

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Time to set things straight for the next few months:

Seeing friends more often, looking at opportunities to grow, getting a diagnosis for my mental health, going on the correct meds, moving to a safer hopefully more stable house, get onto the council list for housing, decorate my room to be livable and nice, eating healthy again, loosing weight and trying for the love of god be nice to myself 🙏

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Tomorrow is the last fucking day:

To step in his stupid house, to claim my stuff, to say no this is the last time, to block and no longer have contact, to say goodbye, to not look back, to break off from love..

To claim control.

To never get a last word.

To close the door and try n be by myself.

To not kill myself without him...

I'm fucking scared, anxious and seriously feel alone

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Fucking stupid should be put on my god damn gravestone.

Instead of focusing on myself, mental health, job and house... 6 months was wasted AGAIN on him. 

And YET AGAIN, he tossed me over his fucking shoulder as if I was dead to him.

Money was spent. Lies were said. Forgiveness was in place. Manipulating was done. Moving happened. Porn was shot. Why am I such a god damn idiot?

Oh right.  Yup I might have something seriously fucked up going on in my head and I’m not on the right drugs. I get it... What a fucking fool. 

[peacesign-middlefingers]

Argh I'm so fucking anxious/scared about tomorrow.

As much I can prepare myself for doom, I don't think I can prepare myself from not being nice. It's not nice to refuse to do something, lie, expect it all from him, but once again he has the deposit.. Ben is more liable for the damages, if the landlord wants me to take control over it, I shall. But it's still not my responsibility. I have paid 2 weeks that I'm not there and Ben can survive with doing it himself...

I'm sorting through my shit, getting things out the way, talking about the cats, doing everything but the costly beneficial things for him because he does not need it.

I'm already not eating, a wreck, waiting to cry if something goes wrong...