“I’m wearing heels and a beret at 8 am and nobody seems to care.”
“Vegans aren’t allowed in Texas.”
“If I flip a coin and it’s heads, I’ll go through with it, but if it’s tails, I’ll still go through with it because I’m awesome.”
“Spoiler alert: Jesus wins.”
“Someone told me a knock knock joke and I cried for four hours straight.”
“I could put flowers inside it, or like, drop my Legos inside it.”
“Would you take out the trash, bae?”
“Your rabbit is so evil. I swear it’s out to get me.”
“I feel like I’m dipping my hand in poop.”
“I’m a little worried this is going to stain my skin, but you know, it’s Friday, so let’s party.”
“I’m nocturnal. Kinda like a bat.”
“The scariest possible thing that could be sent to you there is, ‘hey, girl/man, send me some nudes.’”
“Last night, it was too windy for my booty-call to make it over.”
“If you have $300 and a lot of friends, then you can get barely tipsy in a bathtub.”
“I’m gonna ship your ass out of here. I can’t stand you anymore.”
“What the fuck. Get your crusty ass off those veggies.”
“Can you stop taking selfies every 3 steps? It’s annoying.”
“I think you’re butt-chugging on accident.”
“I complimented you. Now you have to have sex with me.”
“PSA: not everyone wants to get in your pants.”
“I’m kind of hip.. I mean, I watch music videos.”
“Oh, shit! .. I mean oh, shoot.”
“I taste like I need some sleep.”
“It looks very evil even though it’s ice cream colored.”
“I have a bad case of the manboobs.”
“Hands up or I’ll kill you right in the face!”
“If I weren’t wearing pants right now, it’d just be like: right butt-cheek alert.”
“You know what? This is my best friend now and I’m taking him/her home.”
“I’m really good at lying, so I think I’ll do great.”
“Are you calling me out?”
“I feel very dirty that I was not able to express my emotions.”
“Why did you bring children?”
“I’m a fucking excellent cuddler. I’m a god damn pro.”
“I don’t wake up in the morning and go ‘you know what I wanna do? I wanna eat a tarantula today’.”
“This is not something you’re supposed to eat.”
“I slapped a stranger in the face because s/he didn’t wish me happy birthday.”
“They sell babies at the hospitals sometimes.”
“I think I would be a very successful, but highly inappropriate elementary school teacher.”
“S/He’s like a man and s/he looks like s/he’s pooping.”
“Aww, I’m gonna hang it up on the fridge for a week until you forget about it.”
“Why do you have these rules in place? Let us be free.”
“How many eggs do I need? Fuck it. I’ll just buy all of them.”
“I’ve got blue balls of the heart.”
“I don’t like babies, but I do like parties.”
“Oh, sorry I don’t do drugs.”
“[NAME] wants to make me smile. Good fuckin’ luck.”
“I smiled once and I hated it.”
“You know, white bread’s a lot like me: plain, not super healthy, but generally likable.”
“It feels like I’m massaging a really squishy butt.”
turnnoffyourmind
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