up here alone

pearce | clinically depressed | certifiably alone

[pearce-williamss-blog]

[keeponmovingalong]

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[pearce-williamss-blog]

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder | The Secret Sisters

[meredith-collins]

Inside Voices || Pearl

[meredith-collins]

Col watched Pearce dive into the bag of nuggets as if they had hit pay dirt in El Dorado and gold was now found in the form of greasy, deep-fried, questionably modified, but still tasty chicken. It was a living example that bliss could be found in the little things although clogged arteries in the future would have begged to differ; far be it for Col to bring up this fact when Pearce was having one of the best days on record. Smiling at him brightly for a moment she turned her attention down to her ritual on sauces that accompanied every McDonalds meal, probably one of the only things that Col did was considered a pattern besides raging over issues in Marvel continuity; she had tried to engage Pearce in an argument concerning this but without the proper context it was like him explaining imagery in Poe.

It was a stark change, hearing him be so hopeful and excited for the future and it made Col think that there was some merit in wishing after all. Most of her entire life, and most definitely the time spent in Preston, had been nothing but the constant affirmation that there was no other life besides the one she had been living; it left Col has a rather bitter citizen. Meeting Pearce, learning lessons in selflessness and finally accepting the concept of love all played a part in the Col of today. This Col wasn’t as angry with the world as the one that set the fire almost a year and a half ago. This Col wasn’t afraid of connection in the worry of pain or loss because she realized that everything worth it was going to hurt a little bit; when it came to Pearce she had spent with nothing but and she was finally ready to move on from it.

“We are. We will get out. Together,” she said with an enthusiastic nod as she popped another fry into her mouth. Nothing in the future seemed as bleak or uncertain if it included him because Pearce could constantly be her direction; that something that kept her grounded while all the same pushing her forward. He had done what Col had considered to be the impossible and for that, it was the basis of their love. It didn’t stem from clinging to life rafts because of their disorders or their almost undeniable sexual chemistry –which was a perk that Col silently thanked God for daily- but it was that they saved each other. It was shown time and time again. From the lake to the campfire, from the bad dreams and the horrors that followed, from the overdose to the thought out suicide; they had been together for all of it and nothing was ever going to change that fact.

“New York is still a must obvious. I need to throw something off the Empire State Building and-,” she said quickly with her hand in the air to stop his eventual protests. “I will make sure it is soft and not at all damaging at high velocities,” Col finished with a triumphant smile as she swirled her fries in the mixtures before eating a greedy handful all at once. “I don’t know if I would want to settle,” she said truthfully as she cleared her throat roughly. “I mean-, that’s all we’ve been doing is staying in one place so I want to do the exact opposite for a while,” Col said with a shrug. She had spent far too much time in the care of Preston, a year’s worth of moments wasted away simply because she had a sickness that could never go away and she wanted so much more in life. Above all else she wanted to experience all of these things with Pearce by her side. “After we get bored or broke, whichever comes first, then yeah-, but right now? There is far too much for us to see, babe,” Col finished with a reassuring smile, reiterating that anything she planned in the future involved him as well.

At the thought of meeting each other’s families Col was hit with a sense of disturbia that she knew she would always carry, not only because he was meeting her family –a clan notorious for free speech and zero regard for the emotions of others- but because she would also meet his. Col knew she wasn’t cashing any cheques in ‘the girl next door’ department and she vaguely wondered if his family would have wanted better for him. “I guess we should,” she said meekly as she stared down at her fries for a moment before throwing another in her mouth. “I’m sure my dad will like you actually and Tyler already knows about you. Just avoid Meredith and don’t listen to anything she says and you’ll just-, fine,” Col managed to choke out as the thought of meeting his family loomed over her. “Is the rest of your family as….understanding as your brother?” she inquired slowly, the thought of her past tainting her future with Pearce making her stomach tie in knots.

“I always thought I was good at reading people, you know? Getting them to tell me things they didn’t want to or…secrets basically. I don’t know? A journalist? Seems silly but it’s something, right?” Col said with a small laugh as the thought of her ever achieving such a future caused her to smile bitterly. “What about you, babe?” she said quickly hoping to shift the conversation away from her and her ridiculous aspirations.

[pearce-williamss-blog]

Unlike most men, talking about the future did not scare Pearce. He wasn’t frightened of spending the rest of his life with Col – in fact, he welcomed it, because without her he wasn’t sure what he would be. The life that he lived before Preston was a haze of dark days, sour events and morbid thoughts that amounted to nothing; he didn’t feel that they defined him properly, not like Col did. It was in her eyes and in her presence that Pearce found who he was supposed to be – he was supposed to be a man who could achieve and love and, hell, even laugh on occasion. Col was the key to unlocking this future.

The confirmation that New York was still on the table and in their future made Pearce grin around a mouthful of chicken nuggets and he almost choked when Col predicted his objection to her throwing an item off the Empire State Building. The way that they could anticipate and read one another was a testament to just how far they’d come in the last few months – everything about them was not perfect; they were far from being completely perfect human beings, and Pearce knew that he alone would make several mistakes in the future. But he also knew that Col had a great capacity for forgiveness and kindness; he wasn’t afraid of screwing up, not when he was with her. As the conversation moved to settling down, Pearce frowned at her response – the fact that their ideas about the future were slightly different didn’t worry him, but he wondered if Col would ever be able to settle down. Did she have it in her to stay in one place and make a home? Did she even want that?

Pearce was not about to bring up the issue of marriage or family – that was so far down the line that even he couldn’t see it – but he worried that when their travelling came to an end, she’d want to start over while he longed to settle. “I agree,” he said, nodding as she shoved more fries in her mouth. “There is a lot we’ve yet to see and experience, and I think that’s just compounded by the fact that we’ve been so physically stagnant for so long.” Pearce, who had spent a year living out of his bedroom before arriving at Preston, felt particularly deprived of the world, and the thought of making up for lost time appealed to him greatly. “Although I’m not going to lie,” he said, chewing another nugget happily. “I am looking forward to a time when we do settle. I guess it’s always been a stupid dream of mine to actually have my own place.”

He shrugged it away and dived back into the paper bag, searching not only for more nuggets but a different thread of conversation. Talking about families, homes, children and jobs was far too adult, and while Pearce acknowledged that he was now part of that club, he hoped to deny it for a little bit longer, because the moment he accepted the fact that he had to be grown up, he would need to act it. No more lazy days, no more sleepless nights – it would be work and expectations and pressure, and that thought scared him the most. It would be a road that led him back to depression, and that wasn’t one he wanted to traverse any time soon. But he was saved when Col agreed that visiting their families should be worked into their plans, and he grinned at her almost scared face.

“Don’t worry, I think I can handle your family,” he said with a bit more confidence than he actually felt. “I mean, I’m positive Meredith will be a grade A bitch, but I think from what you’ve told me that the rest of your family seem pretty... normal.” Pearce felt both excited and apprehensive about meeting the Collins family. He knew that her father and brother loved Col very much; she would be as dear to them as she was to him, and from their perspective, he was probably unworthy of her love. But there was something in that challenge that made Pearce want to prove to them that he could be worthy; that he deserved to have Col to himself. “As for my family,” he continued, “let’s just say it’ll be a frosty reception, but not because of you. I think a quick visit would be in order, and then we’ll go. Don’t expect banners and flowers.”

The thought of his own family seeing him with Col made him happy – he longed to show them that their abandonment and apathy toward him were nothing in the long run. He wanted to show them that he was capable of love and of being loved; he wanted to show them that he didn’t need them anymore. “A journalist? That doesn’t seem silly at all,” he said when she began talking about jobs. “I think you’d be excellent at it, especially once your impulses die down and you can read things for longer periods of time.” The possibilities of his own job prospects made him smile, and he grabbed another nugget. “I’m still thinking about firefighting, though I’d need to settle somewhere to train. I think I’d like the action of the job, you know? I think what I need after Preston is something to channel my thoughts into, and firefighting is as good as anything, right?” He smiled at Col, waiting to hear if she approved – after all, it was her opinion that he valued above all others.

[evan-ainsworth-deactivated20130]

What?! That's like defying the laws of physics. They're like... God's gift to earth. And then things like marmite are his very own 'fuck you' to us all. Psychology will certainly be interesting if nothing else. It will be, something to do with anemone's would be awesome. Everything will be fine when i get back, it has to be because otherwise i don't have enough to keep me going. I'm sure Alec and Col don't mind, although we'd have to get mentally divorced if you wanted an actual marriage with Col one day, which would suck for me. 

[pearce-williamss-blog]

We are not getting mentally divorced, regardless of our relationships with Col and Alec. I refuse to let that happen. When you come back, we'll renew our vows and the first thing we'll do is have a chicken nugget party and watch a documentary, and I'll hug you and it'll be like no time has passed because we're married. Ok? I'll see you on the other side, but until then, we have skype and the phone and snail mail and actual email and.. I'm sure we won't be that far apart.

[serlorasstyrell-deactivated2019]

[evan-ainsworth-deactivated20130]

Amy not liking chicken nuggets it quite literally impossible. I don't understand how it has happened. I'd have to think of another way... i don't know what other cure could be as good as chicken nuggets though. Yeah', i know what you mean... I don't think i'd be able to just work in an office somewhere now, i need to have a calm atmosphere and yet something to do. It'll be fine, we'll find a way, even if we have to steal a laptop and google the TV guide. It is a nice way to end things... and even though we didn't actually have the ceremony and everything, i still class us as married. 

[pearce-williamss-blog]

I made Amy eat some chicken nuggets the other day. She was not a fan, but I rewarded her with ice cream for the attempt anyway. Well I think working as a psychologist is a good option - it'll get you out of your own head and into someone else's. There better be a good documentary on - I want my last one with you to be interesting. We're definitely married, so I extend my apologies to Col and Alec. We're a platonic couple that seeks a marriage of the minds, rather than the hearts. And we'll be together again when you come back to the States. Things will pick up where we left off, I'm sure.

[tonyandzivauk]

[evan-ainsworth-deactivated20130]

Ha, i don't know about that but thank you, i could always cure people with nuggets and lure my patients in. Who can't be cured with chicken nuggets after all? I'm sure you'll be fine, they'll be inviting you round for the holidays before you know it. Yeah', i guess i could do that, don't you need proof of a prescription or something though? A firefighter? ...I could imagine you as a firefighter now that i think about it... Well, whatever you decide to do, i hope you become the best at it and get world records for it and stuff. Alright, i'm on it, i'll get the TV guide unless Sally's taken it with her as a final 'fuck you' to us all.

[pearce-williamss-blog]

You'll revolutionise modern medicine - curing people with chicken nuggets. Although, you might stumble upon an anomaly like Amy, who does not like chicken at all. I'm sure you'll be able to work around that though. Yeah, I think firefighting might be something constructive that I could put effort into, you know? Like put effort in and see results. I need something active otherwise I start to think too much. I don't know about world records... If Sally took the TV guide, I will hunt her down. If she did, we can just channel surf until we find a good one. What a way to end our Preston experience: husbands watching documentaries while eating nuggets. 

[evan-ainsworth-deactivated20130]

I won't be Webber, I'll be Trask, or Joey. Ha, thanks, i will try to be the best possible doctor for my patients. You're meeting Col's family? Well uh-... good luck? I'm sure they'll love you, it'll be fine. I don't know about new friends but i'm glad i have Alec, i don't know what i'd do without him. What happens when i run out of meds though? I've got as much to last me for about a year but i don't know what i can do about it once i run out. Do you have anything in mind for a job? For some reason i've always pictured you as a writer... When are you leaving? I don't leave until tomorrow and if you're staying here tonight we could have our last documentary session before i leave?

[pearce-williamss-blog]

I think you'd make an excellent Joey - you'd be the "fun doctor" that everyone thinks it's a pleasure to visit. Col's family promises to be... interesting. I think she mostly wants me to meet her brother and father, but even that is a little intimidating. I've never been The Boyfriend before, so... I'm a little anxious. Well when you run out, you just go to the doctor and tell him you had GAD and to hand over the meds. Tell him what kind you've been taking and just say your prescription ran out. A little lie never hurt anyone. Me? A writer? I don't think I'd be very good, but I'm uh- well, I was considering going to an academy and training as a firefighter. I think I could do some really good work as a firefighter. I'm not sure when we leave, but it won't be before we have another documentary session. Tonight - the rec room. Pearce & Evan for one last round. I'll get the nuggets, you pick the documentary.

[meredith-collins]

Inside Voices || Pearl

[meredith-collins]

Playing guitar had almost become second nature to Col. Something about the music and the perfection that could be found in chords and tones made her chest vibrate and tighten under the simplicity of its beauty. It was a fairly poetic way to look at music but it had been her saving grace, without a guitar around the Com would have been under greater threat of danger, and Col vaguely remembered a time where it was going to be her life. It was then that she realized she had spent her entire existence thinking about life and how she had wasted it away with thinking. Over thought, not enough thought, or simple acts of impulse that had somehow lead her to Preston but without her ugliness, the dark thing that clawed at bright moments of happiness she wouldn’t have met Pearce. He was that beacon, that lighthouse on the rocky shore that would always shine, just bright enough for her to know where home was, with him.

 Of course, an argument could have been made that lighthouses had become obsolete with the recent advancements in sonar technology but that was life. It was constantly growing, changing and becoming a place that if slept long enough, let it all slip you by, you would hardly recognize it anymore. Col had wasted far too much time in Preston and was now ready to become what Pearce always thought she could be; someone that wasn’t defined by their past of their disorder but someone that was brought to life and found in love, his love.

As the final chord rung out Col turned to face him, a triumphant smile on her face that faded slightly as she caught the look on his face that rendered her speechless. It had been chosen for a reason, her own thoughts of their future colouring most of everything she had done recently but when he bent down to kiss her gently she knew the emotions were pure. Returning his kiss she smiled against him, the day filling her with warmth and hope for the both of them as she pulled away with a broad smile on her face. With a quick nod she agreed to go find a place to eat, her fingers reluctantly letting go of the guitar as she watched it return to its place on the wall. “You know I’ll have one like that one day. I’m not usually in the habit of wishing for things but I think I feel an exception coming on,” she said hopefully as she laced her fingers with his to leave the music store and enter the busy streets of Los Angeles.

Contemplating her choice in food Col knew for a fact that there was a McDonalds around, teeming with the very things that she considered to be a rival for Pearce’s love. “This way?” she said in an innocent question as she lead them towards the fast food chain, trying to be as nonchalant as humanly possible.  The day was a perfect reflection her mood, her body still humming from the sex in the library and her emotions still bright from the perfection of simply being out with Pearce beyond the confines and restrictions of Preston. To anyone looking at them they were simply two young adults in love, hand in hand with twin smile on their faces and that is what they were. Forgetting Pearce’s crippling depression and her consuming need for violence and fire they had their love to keep them anchored to the ground and away from the horror that was their life before they had met. Col had forgotten the claim that Pearce was better off without her because love –as she now knew it to be- was complex and completely terrifying, but she had finally found someone worth the possible pain and Col couldn’t have been happier.

When the sight of golden arches found her view Col couldn’t help but laugh, her head shaking as they walked inside and waited in line to order food. “Um-, can I just have two extra-large fries, seven packets of McChicken sauce and all the McNuggets you have on stock?” she asked the man behind the counter with a grin before she kissed Pearce on the cheek and walked to find them a bench. Smiling up at him as he laid down their overflowing tray of food Col let out a small laugh before ripping open packs of McChicken sauce and pouring it over her ketchup, grabbing a fry and swirling it in the special sauce for a moment. “Do you think we will ever get out of this place? I mean-, not place as in Preston but place as in…here. I want to travel, live and see everything with you. As long as it has you somewhere in that equation I’ll be more than happy to go anywhere,” she said with sincerity as she threw a fry into her mouth.

[pearce-williamss-blog]

People often asked Pearce why he liked chicken nuggets, as though it were a sign that he was not as mentally stable as he first appeared. His love for the food traced back a fair way to a time when he couldn’t be bothered to move very far from his bed, let alone cook food for himself while his parents were at work. Nuggets became an easy option – shove them on a tray and into the oven – and over the course of a year, Pearce found that they were the one thing he could depend on, so long as his mother remembered to keep them in stock. Keeping this tradition close to his heart, Pearce had carried this love for the simple, yet tasty, meal into Preston, only to find that he wasn’t the only one.

Finding a fast food joint that cooked nuggets for him was a dream come true, and Pearce found that they tasted even better. Walking into the store with Col was like heaven, and when she ordered “all the McNuggets you have on stock”, Pearce almost felt his knees buckle under the weight of his love and admiration for the girl standing beside him. She somehow always knew his wants and needs, right down to the amount of food he wanted – starving was an understatement, and he watched and waited with eager eyes, making sure that the McDonalds employees grabbed every last packet of nuggets and shoved them into the paper bag. The press of Col’s lips to his cheek made him grin at her, ducking his head in embarrassment at his over-eagerness for the round, crumbled fried pieces of heaven.

After paying, Col grabbed their tray and led them over to a table before digging in. He watched as she went through a strange ritual of combining sauces and dipping her fries in, and he simply raised his eyebrows before tearing open the bag full of nuggets and thrusting his hand in, grabbing a few and pulling them out. His mouth watered, and he ate one whole, chewing it with eyes shut for a moment before sighing happily – the events of that day could not get any better in his opinion, and the fact that Col had been there to accompany him throughout the entire thing just made it that much better. There was silence for a moment as Col stirred her fries in the sauce before eating them, and Pearce watched her with one eye while the other examined the chicken nuggets and contemplating their perfection.

Col’s question about leaving Preston, and California as a whole, took him by surprise for a moment, and he looked at her, his brow furrowed in concentration as she spoke. “Of course we’ll get out,” he said with a lot more positivity than he usually felt in a month. “Preston is just a layover. We’re going to get out and travel. New York is a must,” he continued with a smile. “And anywhere else you want to go, I’m cool with. We’ll go everywhere before we find somewhere nice to settle.” He ate another chicken nugget before adding, “If you ever want to settle, that is.”

The future with Col was a topic that Pearce had thought about before, but not something that he had genuinely thought about in realistic terms. After his accidental overdose – which he stoutly refused to think of as a suicide attempt – life had been thrown into focus. He had come close to losing Col forever, which was worse than losing her in just a physical sense like he had attempted to do a few weeks ago. Nothing was easy when it came to making decisions; his mind set itself up for failure, and when things came to Col, he was a mess of emotions. The happiness at being with her, the need to trust and love and believe – they warred inside with the darkness that attempted to swallow him whole, and Pearce sometimes thought he’d crumble under the pressure of the fight.

But when he was in simple moments with her, like sitting in a McDonalds restaurant eating nuggets and contemplating the future, he knew that love would always win; it possessed his body in a way that the depression never could quite totally manage. Even in his darkest hours, Pearce still retained a shred of logic or sanity – a nagging voice in the back of his head that told him what was happening was not right. But when it came to love, Pearce was all in: he dived headfirst, regardless of the depth, and knew that somehow Col would be right beside him.

“We should see our respective families,” mused Pearce as he picked up another nugget and bit in half. “Even if it is just a kind of hello-goodbye situation. And I want my books from my room, assuming they weren’t burnt in my absence.” His library would be cumbersome, but worth the effort if he ever got his own apartment. “But the future is wide open,” he said, grinning at Col as she shovelled more fries into her mouth. “Do you have any idea what you want to do, other than just... travel? Job wise? Or... living wise?” He looked at her through his lashes, wondering if Col would really be okay with spending the future with him – he knew he wasn’t exactly the easiest person to live with, but he was already all in. Nothing would sway him from the decision that Col was where his future laid. 

[wraisedbywolves]

[meredith-collins]

Work is good but it won’t be work for much longer. It’ll get easy and it’ll just be-, easy to be and do what we want to. Oh!-, no that’s fine….definitely a surprise even if I kind of wanted to be there for your first tatto-, What? Found in love? Like…mine? You did that…for me? No, I’m not mad. Not mad. Just-, wow. That makes perfect sense, babe. I-, do you like it? I don’t even know what I’m saying. I love you.

[pearce-williamss-blog]

Well it's never work, it's just kind of a few bumps in the road, but I think those will smooth out or kind of just fade away until they aren't problems anymore. You don't know how badly I wanted you to be there too. It was hard to do it by myself, but I'm kind of proud of myself. If I ever decide to go back for that torture, you're number one on my invite list, promise. And yes, just like yours. I thought that... well. It was now true for both of us, so I made it permanent. And I love it. And I love you. And this is just one of reminding both of us of that never changing fact.

[meredith-collins]

Just don’t let the memory of the deed ruin things as much as the deed did. Babe, I’m not asking you to push it just know that I don’t hold anything against you, okay? Wait-, one? Why didn’t you take me with you? Where did you get it? What did you get? Did it hurt? Why didn’t you take me with you?

[pearce-williamss-blog]

I'll try to keep that in mind. It feels like it's been healing over the last two weeks, though... I just need to keep working at it with you. Well I didn't take you with me 'cause I wanted it to be a surprise. You like surprises, and even though I'm not a fan, I wanted you to have a nice surprise in the form of my first tattoo. Now, don't be mad, but... I got the words 'found in love' tattooed on my side. In cursive. It's... I just took the bandage off. Are you mad? I hope not, 'cause it hurt a lot more than I was expecting and.. I did it because I wanted something that was.. you know, something about us and you and me and that kind of.. uh- represented this next chapter of us. Does that make sense?

[evan-ainsworth-deactivated20130]

You were my first chicken nugget too. I'm doing a degree in psychology, i uh-.. still want to be a psychologist. If anyone's going to understand the feelings of those with mental disorders, it's me, right? How about you? What are you doing in Canada? Just travelling or..? Yeah'... i guess, i just don't history to repeat itself, i don't think i'll be able to take two more years of isolation, especially after being here has taught me that i can actually be friends with people. Oh christ yeah! I take it you're not still planning on working in Sally's lumbermill any time soon then?

[pearce-williamss-blog]

When a precious thing like chicken nuggets bond two people together, they're friends for life. Psychology! I think you'll definitely be the most qualified - just don't be Webber. I think you'd be amazing at it, though; you're a great listener, and your patients would be lucky to have you as their head doctor. Well I think we're travelling, but Col wants me to meet some of her family, so we're going to swing on through and see them. It'll definitely be uh- some new sets of experiences. You'll make new friends, just not ones as awesome as the ones you have here. And, you'll never be alone if you've got Alec, so don't worry. Just make sure you keep taking your meds. No, no lumbermill for me... I'll give that a miss and just skip to the part where I can live for a bit without a job. I'll have to get one eventually, though.

[meredith-collins]

[pearce-williamss-blog]

Never a truer word spoken or a prettier face in existence.

[meredith-collins]

Babe, you know it’ll be in the past right? It’s fine. Really. I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t and what you deserve is to be happy. Well, don’t go out of your way to do it. Do things ‘cause you want to not because you feel like you owe me. More than interesting considering the placement but its not like they can counts your non-existent ones. Good ‘cause I would hate to be in love alone.

[pearce-williamss-blog]

It might be in the past but... it's still around. I don't know, but I do believe you, I just... I haven't quite forgiven myself, but that's something for me to work on. Can I do things because I want to do them as well as simultaneously making you happy? Well.. about my non-existent tattoos.. my parents might be in for a bit of a shock considering I uh- well, I now have a grand total of one to my name. I just- I couldn't tell you yesterday during the great Apocalypse of Preston '12. You'll never be in love alone - it's a two-for-one deal.

[evan-ainsworth-deactivated20130]

True... I'll just eat them less, it's still a protest right? I'm only going over there to do my remaining two years of university... i doubt it's going to be fun, i'm actually terrified... It's just going to be the same as last time, someone will find out that i spent two months here and i'll be isolated from everyone all over again.. the only thing that's keeping me going is coming home to Alec and Rose every day. When we joked about having to pretend we're normal and get jobs and everything, i didn't think it would come true so soon...

[pearce-williamss-blog]

I'll eat them less in your honour too. You were, after all, my first chicken nugget partner, so it seems only right to save them for special occasions. You're going to finish university? That's great! I don't think I ever asked what you studied... what degree? What are you going to become qualified to do? And I don't think that'll happen, Evan... people will judge you for the person you are now, not your past. Besides, you'll still have your sister and Alec with you for moral support. I know, right? This feels like we might have jinxed ourselves... well, minus the part about us working at Sally's lumbermill.