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@pearlmems2
are you brave? the devil asked. no, she answered, but i am alive.
and sometimes those two things are the same (entry #2) // j.a.s (via prongslct)
sorry i only like people that i never have a chance with
The moment Harleen heard Pearlâs bitter laugh, she knew sheâd found the right place to dig her fingers in until she could feel her words crawling under skin. Pearl liked to act as though she didnât give a shit about anything, but Harleen couldnât name anyone that wore their emotions so clearly on their face. Well, it was obvious to Harleen at least. She wasnât her motherâs daughter for nothing. Since she was a child she learned how to dissect the most minute expressions. âEveryone makes mistakes,â she hums, dragging her manicured nail around the mouth of her bottle. âHeâd probably beg you to let him,â she says with a sigh. âOn second thought, leave him to fester in his grease. He wouldnât be a challenge, heâd just be⊠sad,â she says, shaking her head. âKillian? Well I saw Carolina leaving his room when I was visiting Finn. Dunno if thatâs happening but sheâs got the whole, blonde hair, green, wide eyes thing going,â she says, mulling her next words over. She could tell her about Cynthia, but sheâd seen the state Adelaide was in. If Pearl decided to attack her, could Harleen really not feel guilty for causing it? She purses her lips for a brief second. âAnd I know for a fact he fucks Cynthia regularly,â she shrugs. If Pearl attacked her, it would only serve to make Pearl look bad. Cynthia was too much of a sweetheart for it to not have repercussions. She laughs slightly, as though remembering some tiny, hilarious tidbit. âPretty sure she fucked him in the hospital. She was on cloud nine the last time I saw her,â she smiles, tapping the mouth of her bottle.Â
She looks up, deep brown eyes almost sympathetic, though it was for show. âMen are just, primal beings,â she says, a deep sigh passing her painted lips. âAll we are is a warm hole until someone better comes along,â she shrugs, flipping her hair over her shoulder, glancing at the man at the corner of the bar with his eyes set on both her and Pearl. She assumed he thought he looked suave, with his slicked back hair and half unbuttoned shirt. âItâs why you donât get attached, you simply take them for all theyâre worth and make them regret thinking of you as a set of holes,â she says, her words holding some semblance of sincerity in them. She didnât hate Pearl, really, Harleen just wasnât good at sharing. It didnât mean she wouldnât give some words of advice learned from her motherâs mistakes. Whether Pearl chose to take them or not was up to her. But sheâd planted the seed, and she would just have to see if it made her back off.
A strangulated laugh fell out of Pearlâs mouth like a nasty habit. It was always a kick in the teeth when she was bitterly reminded how much the world liked to chew her up and spit her back out in a gargled and vile heap. Would her bones break from the impact this time? Sometimes sheâd hope for a pain so thick that it could travel through her nerve endings and snap her neck sideways. Words had a way of sinking under her skin like that. Nasty little stick and poke tattoos that screamed: stupid, stupid, how could you be so fucking stupid? Her brain was itâs very own haunted cinema, churning out previews of something she thought sheâd wanted. Wildflowers tickling her ankles as she purred out into the midnight air. Ready or not. Sheâd tasted the world on Killianâs lips and she forgot how hungry she was for it. She was so hungry, itâd ached against the corners of her mouth as he held her. Surely, it wasnât asking for much, to be important too.
Pearl wanted to cry but sheâd run out of tears. Somehow, it was worse. It was worse just to stand there and slowly absorb Harleenâs spite like blood seeping into white cotton. What if sheâd smiled better? Held herself together instead of always falling apart? What if sheâd gotten rid of Reid sooner instead of being so pathetic? What if sheâd tied a blue ribbon around her badly beating pulse and promised sheâd get better? What if she tried harder? What if sheâd begged him? Love me, love me, please just love me. A slow exhale of air left Pearlâs lungs. She wanted to get rid of all the oxygen in her body. It was all so very tiring. Silence seemed to stretch out until the ends of time but Pearl didnât care. She didnât care. She was too spent to care at all. Who would make it better this time? With a shaking hand, she wiped the silent tears from her cheek, still staring at nothing in particular, even the jade of her eyes seeming to weaken into a dull, mossy green. It seemed fitting.
âItâs hilarious how empty my life is sometimes,â Pearl had to laugh as she spat the words out, her ribs aching with the sudden bewildering amusement that was zapping through her brain. âOh me.â It all seemed to bleed into obscurity. All that chasing through the woods, creeping around the rusting bark of trees and wishing on the stars that the moment could swallow her up forever, gone. He wasnât what she wanted him to be, it wasnât his fault really. The words sheâd cried to Reid seemed to bounce around the padded cell of her brain, almost spoiling her laughter but not quite: only a kiss, only a kiss, only a kiss. Thatâs all it was, a taste test, a palette cleanser. Pearl fiddled with a cigarette packet the more she thought about it. Perhaps it was a bitter injustice having her heart ripped out and placed on an appetising tray for her to pick at -- Harleen had given her a chance to pick herself clean.
Uncaring about the bartender trying to wave her outside, Pearl unravelled the packet to find a single scrawled message there: duty calls. A smile tweaked at her lips, along with a sudden and daunting realisation. She had to pause for a second, the words rolling past her backwards until she met Harleenâs gaze. âYou know, thanks,â the words were coated in a fragile sense of security. âMaybe Iâve just been... Falling for the wrong people.â She slid a cigarette between her teeth and held it there, the flickering flame from her Mickey Mouse lighter sparking off the slow release cancer until her lungs filled with it. âThe Killianâs and the Reidâs and the Jasonâs and the fucking whoevers in-between. Iâm bored of the boys who donât treat me so good,â she exhaled a gust of smoke.
After all, Harleen was right; there was no way Killian could treat her in the way she needed, in the way sheâd always craved because how could he when he was only fucking carbon copies of Adelaide? How could Pearl be that stupid to think she could change the mind of a boy who treated her little more than the brute Sawyer had painted that dirt track road with? Sheâd helped to drive the nails into the Killian marked door until there was no point in trying to dig those bolts back out. Returning to nasty habits had died with flushing out Reid into the sewers of her subconscious anyway. Pearl clung to her packet of cigarettes, Bradleyâs scribbled writing all over them, filling her with a little glow.Â
âYeah. Iâm bored of assholes,â she paused, the brunetteâs words swarming in her stomach: âPearlâs going to find Finn because of the big fat crush she has on himâ. âI want somebody better.â
someone: why do u joke about dying so much
me: because theyâre not jokes, iâm literally always suicidal and my life isnât worth living
someone: âŠâŠâŠâŠ..
me: *finger guns*
â Dax
Dax: I know it's really late and you might be asleep but I just felt the need to text you, make sure you're okay.
Pearl: i'm wide awake, katy perry wrote a song about it
Pearl: oh
Pearl: sorry
Pearl: didn't realise this was a dmc
â Max
Max: i'm not sure i know who that is but if she has tequila then i'm down
Max: well i figured it's about time. my nasal passages have fully healed.
Pearl: who is she? she's me in five years time
Pearl: http://cdn.images.dailystar.co.uk/dynamic/140/photos/767000/Daniella-Westbrook-395767.jpg
Pearl: i've converted to sambuca
Pearl: don't ask, i disgust myself
Hysterical laughter. It took some willpower for Dax not to laugh at that. But he liked knowing that she was at least having fun. Most college students couldnât stand the idea of hanging around a bunch of little kids from what heâd noticed. Dax had never minded kids, but never put much thought into having any of his own. Dax stepped up to the cabin, stopping before he ran into Pearl. He held her eyes, not saying anything for a long moment before he smiled. âI donât really believe that, but Iâm not going to press. All Iâll say is that you can talk to me if you want. You can rant my ear off if thatâs what you want. Iâll listen. I want to listen. But, Iâd rather you do it on your own terms.â He knew what it was like when people pushed him to talk when he didnât want to talk. He always felt like shit. But no one ever really wanted to listen either and Dax didnât know if Pearl did or not, but if she didnât? He wanted to be able to help. Dax moved to pushed the door to the cabin open, looking inside cautiously.
Pearl kicked the tip of her Dr. Martens into the crusty door so it swung open with a defying bang. Once sheâd hopped over the threshold, she reluctantly turned on her heel and painted on a smile as she focused on Dax. Of course sheâd been listening in the way that Pearl usually listened, like words were drifting into her eardrums through the curves of a sea shell that sheâd found washed up on the shore. It was becoming increasingly hard to tell when her feet were planted in the present, rather than loosely dangling over the black hole that was slowly consuming her. âI know you âcareâ,â she punctuated her words with air quotations. âItâs just a lot of people have âcaredâ over the years and I just--...â The clockwork smile was wiped clean until all that was left was Pearl, insecure, deflated and overwhelmed. She pulled at her sleeves like a little child trying to curl into herself. âIâm just tired of people being shitty when all I want is for them to not be so shitty.â Quaintly put, Pearl dawdled for a moment before she wandered further in and swiftly changed the subject matter. âI hope the bathroom mirrorâs in tact, I want to scream Bloody Mary into it.â
@maximumcleavage: I'm taking a red eye back tomorrow night after the funeral
@maximumcleavage: lmao funeral... so fucked up
@maximumcleavage: anyway anyone who has six shots of tequila lined up and two grams of coke waiting for me will get my undying devotion
@pearlw: @maximumcleavage funeral?
@pearlw: @maximumcleavage i'm so sorry, what the fuck
@pearlw: @maximumcleavage if you need anything i'm here, except not physically bcs i'm stranded in the fucking wilderness but metaphorically or spiritually or w/e
â Max
Pearl: are you sure going full danniella westbrook is wise
Pearl: ?
Pearl: gross i just heard myself
Pearl: caring asshole isn't my thing
Pearl: let's party like it's 1990 bby
Sparking her lighter, Bradley set flame to the corner of the sweater in hand and dropped it into a muddy mess on the woodland floor. âFeel free to pitch in. For every time this guy tried to grab my ass Iâm burning his shit.â She paused to dust a fleck of dirt from the folds of her oversized âRiver Donovan ate this assâ t-shirt. âSo far Iâm on four.â
âIâd ask Tyler to help us out but he doesnât have any fingers left to roll a lighter chord with,â Pearl barely managed to wheeze it out before she threw her head back and cackled like a witch at a pooling cauldron. After seemingly calming down, she contorted her hand into a mangled claw. âHey, Milligan. Who am I?â
âI always knew I was greater than a mere muggle,â he smiled, twirling a strand of her hair around a finger. âPerhaps thatâs exactly what Iâm trying to release. Then again, I donât think he could pull off shining like the moon.â
âReally, though? In a school full of desperate try hardâs who think itâs edgy to take physical offence over a fucking t-shirt,â Pearl scoffed at the embarrassing absurdity, âwait until they pop a Xanax and develop a sense of humour first. At this point, you could offer them a Dorito and theyâd probably cry and gouge your eye out."
@ohmyemilie: @pearlw fear not, i brought matches
@pearlw: @ohmyemilie i'd rather a blowtorch
Seeing Pearl scream in almost frenzied exhilaration was enough to draw a snigger from Finnâs lips, before they connected with the bottle of Captain Morganâs once more, a shot tickling his throat as he necked back the hit. âThe only ghoul here is you, WintersâŠâ He announced, appearing behind her to ruffle the back of her hair. A nod towards the âsupremeâ in question had his expression sombre, tone dry as he licked the rum from his teeth. âFiona Goode ought to watch her back. Though I guess Iâm hardly a walkinâ advert for vigilance.â A small smile tugged at his lips as he capped the bottle swinging it back under his arm, a slight twinge in his shoulder as he turned to stroll away. âNo oneâs keeping yeâ here, y'know, Pearl. You can leave whenever yeâ want. Itâs hardly Guantanamo Bay.Â
A shiver shot up Pearlâs spine at the sound of Finnâs voice, magnified by the static electricity he shook into her messy blonde waves. âAsshole,â she couldnât have purred it sweeter. âI should really stop swearing in front of the kids, fuck.â An incorrigible grin swept over the peach of her lips as she turned to gaze up at Finn; for a dead man walking, he looked surprisingly put together. It was almost enough to throw Pearl off centre as they made their way towards the exit. âTell that to the kid who wouldnât stop whipping my ankles with a skipping rope.â She laced her fingers into the denim hooks of her shorts, dodging the kids who were zooming around with paper aeroplanes. âShouldnât you really be rotting away in hospital until youâre all better?â Heading down the muddied out path, Pearl busied herself with ripping the leaves from the bushes she wandered past. âWhatâs with the great escape, Steve McQueen?âÂ
Nickolas laughed at her threat. âOh, go ahead, Pearl.â He taunted her. âWe both know youâre scared of me and you know that the moment you lay a hand on me, Iâm going to blackout and God knows what will happened.â Nickolas smirked at her, placing his finger to his chin. He acted like he was thinking for a bit. âYeah, I wouldnât do that if I were you. Unless you want to be brave and attempt to hurt me.â Nickolas smiled at Pearl, his hands dropping to his sides. Never did he want to hurt Pearl, but he knew if she attempted to hurt him, he wouldnât be able to control what would happened after. She was playing in rough waters and Nickolas didnât like it.
Pearl could feel her fingers twitching the more Nickolas whittled down her threats into empty little promises. "You know, telling me not to do something?â A million thoughts were crashing through her brain like radio static. âIt only makes me want to do it that much more.â The irony was enough to set her nerves on fire but she couldnât break his gaze. Dangling her feet over the edge of the abyss was becoming so exasperatingly addictive that she couldnât pull herself back from it. She wanted him to the point where it was dangerous to want somebody that badly. We arenât supposed to do that. Pearl yanked her sunglasses off and stared into the woodlands. âLetâs just agree to stay away from each other and leave it at that.â