Pearls and Peace @pearlsandpeace - Tumblr Blog

How are you handling Rachel's passing? I am feeling so angry and lost.

I am honestly having a hard time grasping it and don’t know what to even say right now

You ever wonder if your anons are identifiable as psychos irl or if they walk among us unrecognized, yearning all day to log onto tumblr each night so they can release their shadow selves on unsuspecting strangers who are just using tumblr as it was intended at the expense of no one else? Like Christ, what a relatable & innocent post to freak out at. 3 engagements in 1 post breakup weekend sounds brutal, regardless of how much you want your friends to be happy. I really feel you on that one

What’s scary is I think they walk around as normal people…

But thank you 💖 I certainly want to be happy for them but it comes with a lot of mixed feelings

What ever happened with your social work program and nursing school? Did you finish either one or plan to ever go back to either one? What is your undergrad degree in?

Lol didn’t finish them… nursing was more situational bc my SIL passed away the 2nd week of my second semester and due to it being an ABSN program missing more than a few days was a big deal so I took a leave plus it was in Florida… I thought about trying to transfer to another ABSN program but it was such an ordeal. I wound up getting a job in the health tech space and have been working in that field for almost 3 years now. I don’t ever plan to go back. My undergrad is psych

Even recently, you were absolutely repulsed at the thought on having sex. Now you’re going out with fuck-boys all the time? Sounds like YOU are the one looking for one-night stands and not a serious partner. It’s clear you like to feel sorry for yourself, but you are no victim here.

Lol fuck boy is simply a term used for guys who like to play games with girls making you think they want a relationship but then being shady… not actually relating to sex. Thanks for this helpful feedback… will be certain to apply

haven't posted in forever but needed to vent. 3 friends got engaged this weekend and I am so single/ dealing with only flakey fboys It is so disheartening and I feel sad, frustrated, and bitter

#personal

sooooo you’re back with your bf?

lol yes

Do you see your niece often? How has she been doing? iirc, you didn’t think your brother is a very good husband, given how quickly he seemed to get over the passing of his wife. But do you think he is a good father to your niece? You don’t talk about her too much anymore. But idk if you simply don’t share on here or if you don’t see/speak to hear too much these days.

I do see her often! My mom basically takes care of her everyday. Her and I spent the day in the city on Saturday and saw a Broadway show!

She seems to be ok… but I worry about her a lot. My parents and I have definitely picked up on some concerning behavior/ statements. I do think my brother was an ok husband… I can’t put myself in his shoes and pretend to understand what it’s like to have a dying wife for 5+ years.

I know he loves my niece and tries his best but of course, I have my opinions and takes on how I would be acting if she were my child.

how are you??

I’m ok… I feel like a lot and nothing has happened all at once. I don’t really have the energy to update on here anymore but I appreciate you checking in!

What were the results of your ultrasound?

I would up never going. The pain subsided and all has been fine!

Do you have any opinions on Dr Gaudiani? I remember somebody mentioning something about her on here and that she was controversial in some way but I can't remember who that was

Several people, including myself, do not like her. She capitalizes on the desperation of those with EDs and has extremely unethical practices.

“A story you’re still telling 17yrs later?” Are you back at Princeton EDU? Did you go in voluntarily?

Noooo I’m not going back to treatment…. I just am still haunted by it all and still struggling to a degree. I just never thought by now the treatment or ED would even still be a thought

17 years ago today I was admitted to Princeton EDU for the first time. I remember the day so clearly down to what I was wearing. I was so innocent, so sick, so scared…. I never thought it would be a story I’m still telling 17 years later. Fuck.

#personal #eating disorder

What did they lend him money for? I hope he plans to pay them back even if it's not expected.

He wasn’t able to pay his bills because he left his job (it was incredibly abusive and a good decision) but he didn’t have any plan or financial reserves and then proceeded to live his life like he did when he had an income and remained unemployed for almost a year.

It is a lot more complex than it sounds, I try to be kind about it and my parents were definitely OVERLY generous and basically enabled him (are we seeing a pattern here with my family?!)

Bruh. This is fucked. This should not be happening. I'm just..................sorry did they really just.....lend him 20k???? I'm....

yes.... they gave it to him months ago but essentially told him they don't have to pay them back...

Once again using tumblr as my diary… so many things.

This last week has felt like an absolute fever dream and I am mentally not ok (I’m safe just spiraling).

My boyfriend and I broke up- for real. I initiated it but it’s excruciating. There is a part of me that knows this was right but there is such a huge part that wonders if we had had harder conversations sooner it wouldn’t have come to this. I tried to but he seemed unable to… he admits he is fully conflict avoidant- turns out he did have some questions/ concerns about our relationship (no shit everyone does and I tried to ask him this so many times) but he felt like if you love someone is just works out. I feel like that’s such an immature and naive view… things don’t just “work out” you have to put work in to get work out- work beyond just pretending the other person is the greatest thing on earth. Idk I prob don’t even make sense.

I was the deeply hurt the next day when my parents took him out to dinner… idk if I had written this here or not but at one point my parents gave him a lot of money ( it’s a long f’ed up story- bf was in a bad work situation) should my parents have “loaned” him 20k (which they will never get back)z Absolutely not. Anyway… he had asked me if it was ok to text them to thank them for their support over our relationship and I said “yes of course”. This text turned into my parents taking him out to dinner and “having a great time!” 😑 my mom keeps talking about how bad she feels for him… not because I dumped him but because he is “like a lost puppy”. It just feels shitty.

Then I found out he is already back on the dating apps- one of my pure barre students saw him on there and told me… she thought he was cheating bc I did not bring our breakup into that space. Ugh. So of course I downloaded it bc I’m being spiteful and I saw his profile…. It just stings. I have been chatting with people on the apps and I even got a drink with 1 guy but I’m like “how can I do this again? I’m too old. These people don’t like me” blah blah

I keep questioning if this could have worked… if this still could work? Is this really over?

Then I have been having horrible breast pain- apparently this is a side effect of my IUD but it freaks me out bc I have lumps. I went to the gyn yesterday and she said she thinks I just have cystic breasts but is sending me for an ultrasound and potential mammogram. So I’m freaking the fuck out that I have cancer.

I haven’t been sleeping. My stomach is in constant knots and I feel like my world is falling apart.

I also decided last minute to go with my friend on a fitness/ reiki/wellness retreat in AZ next week which is beyond out of character for me to just take 2 days off work and sign up for something I barely know about with less than 2 weeks notice but I felt this intense urge to GTFO. I mean I guess it’s good I’m not going off to treatment and I’m sure it will be good… it nothing else I know warm weather lifts my mood.

This is literally all over the place but that is how I feel… my feelings change every 2 seconds. I’m so tired. I feel sick.

#personal #mental health #breakup

Why do you continue to stay with your bf when you clearly dread seeing each other? Not only is it wasting your time, but it’s wasting *his* time by making him stay with someone who is not interested in pursuing a meaningful relationship. You say you’re afraid there’ll be no one else, but is being by yourself really worse than being with someone you don’t like? Look at how happy & carefree you were the one day you had away from him when you hung out with your friend in the city. Serious questions

This is an incredibly valid question and one I grapple with daily. I think my biggest struggle is not knowing it this is ME feeling/ talking this way or the depression/ anxiety/ Ed talking and feeling this way.

I don’t dislike him… I do love him

…but I am not in love with him.

I am afraid I just don’t understand what a relationship is actually supposed to feel like and I would deeply regret losing him

I feel like it’s never a good sign when I’m turning to Tumblr but things are feeling really hard and I’m feeling very depressed.

There have been so many changes in my life over the last month- new job, I moved, I started teaching another format of pure barre…. These are all good things. My life is much bigger than it was just 2 years ago but it’s feeling like too much and I am feeling like too much. My body image is so bad- I want to cry at every photo I look at. I’m still crippled by so many rituals with food and exercise and yet I feel like I can’t control my body anymore. I don’t know what’s real and what’s in my mind.

I’m still with my boyfriend and it’s overwhelming. He overwhelms me. He is the nicest person but I don’t see this as the person I will be with long term. He says he loves me so much, wants to be with me forever etc etc and I simply don’t feel the same. I keep dreading time we have to spend together. He is very immature and we are so different. I have to keep making up excuses to get out of hanging out… but I’m scared to totally end things bc what if there is no one else? Everyone thinks he is so great… and in many ways he is but he wants way more out of this than I do. But then I fear I’m just running away.

I feel incredibly low tonight… I had a fun day in the city with my friend yesterday and I think the relief I spent a day outside of “my world” and without my boyfriend expecting me to answer his texts and just doing stuff for fun without a major plan felt so nice. I want more of that but it feels impossible.

I didn’t even know what the point of this is but I’m sad. I feel scared … constantly. I feel like I want to get off the ride.

#personal

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