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[peddygreesneeze]

2*21

The glorious 2021 is finally here

A hope after the despair

But really,

Will this get any better?

I wish, i pray, and i hope so

I can’t help it. I am listening to Jungkook’s voice and i really fall in love with his voice. His voice is so perfect. Like connecting right through my soul. That’s the kind of voice he has. Soothing, calming, yet expressive and full of messages.

I just finished watching SG 2021 even if my package hasn’t arrived just yet and well.. just pondering.. i don’t have so many goals this year. Just one—two to be exact. And i am starting to be a supposed-to-be-an-adult now, I act like one these days.

How this year would be for me? What’s on the box?

I am curious.

-------

Anyway since i am here, might as well giving the full year assessment to my 2020 self.

Plan: 5/5 (i am listing down everything, such a great and passionate start)

Effort: 2/5 (i can do more to achieve all of it tbh)

Result: 0.5/5 (i didn’t achieve it...or did it sooo very little. I am far from satisfied)

[peddygreesneeze]

Uncertainty

Here we go again.

The uncertainty is creeping up again.

Making me anxious and uncomfortable.

I think i will be out of my comfort zone soon after.

And while i am not exactly happy about it, i’m not entirely sad.

It’s just—overwhelming.

Let’s see where the sea brought me this time.

I hope it won’t drown me up.

I hope I could be motivated, i really hoped so.

I’ve got all this task but i really am refused to be excellence.

Why do I wanted to be average?

I also had no idea.

Wish me luck, live.

[peddygreesneeze]

Good Life

Hi! So I am going to turn 23 this years—in 3 months to be exact. And.....i don’t know what am I really doing, whether i did it well or not. What is my goal in life really? What is it that i really want?

How do i know?

I hope i could find all the answer soon, well i have to. In order to make plans ahead.

[peddygreesneeze]

Lifeless

Can we..

Can we..

Surrender?

I surrender.

What’s the point of living

If it kept us hurt

If it kept us depressed

Until it’s hard

to even breath

What’s the point, really?

[peddygreesneeze]

The Memory Lane #1

Remembering the past

Clearly wasn’t that good for me

I am not clearly good

I have never ever been good

Even once in mylife

I wanna tell you my story

Once, i was so passionate about cooking

I am fascinated by the patisserie

And the cooking process

I cut all the recipe from newspaper and magazine

I file it all in my precious red plastic bag

There’s a lot, really

But i’ve never got a chance to try one

It’s precious to me

I have almost been

Always been scolded for my cooks

Everytime that person tried my food

I lost confidence

Over time, i forgot my passion all along

I buried down in my deep memory

I have always wanted an oven

Kids in my age wanted toys and stuff

But i wanted an oven

I’ve asked my parents

My mama said we are going to buy it later

Years passed by, and i still didn’t have any

It was just a childish passion, maybe

And i am sorry for it

[peddygreesneeze]

Maybe

Maybe i need

To write again,

A novel perhaps?

Or a short-story

Maybe

That way

I’ll find myself

Again

[peddygreesneeze]

The Abnormal One

I’ve never been the one

Who’s drooling over luxury

Nor high-end brand

Nor shining jewelleries

Then I’m started to thinking

Whether I’m abnormal

That I don’t even

Dream to having it

Why the hell things

Have gone complicated inside my head

Oh god

Oh, god

[peddygreesneeze]

A Lucky Girl

Hello

Since I believe no one will actually gonna read this post, I decided to write my thoughts up here.

It’s saturday night and i don’t feel really well (mentally), maybe because I am such a weak person lol.

So today my family & I went to the yearly family gathering. Well just as usual we all talking about the update in our life. Of course, my parents didn’t forget to tell the families that I already got a job. My immediate family members were all there.

But then my mom & my older sis went somewhere, then my dad told the people there (2 of my uncles) that my older sister is such a grace. How she had IQ of 152 and all. I listen to that conversation and met eyes with my dad.

He then proceed to continue talking about me. I remember very clearly that he said i’m a lucky girl. He didn’t praise me at all. I am very sad and down at that time but trying to be playful. One of my uncle assure me that it’s not just luckiness.

All this time, all i’ve been doing, was just because of lucky.

I got a great score that leads me to good JHS bcs i’ve been lucky.

I went to a good SHS bcs i’m lucky, even if i’ve never cheated in all of my exams.

Then i got into one of the best uni in Indonesia bcs i am damn lucky.

I graduated in 3.5 years for bachelor’s degree with cumlaude were also lucky.

I don’t know all this time all i’ve been doing is nothing bcs i got lucky on my side.

All the hardwork and prayer, all the blood sweat and tears were for nothing.

Does he even know how hard I’m studying and make the papers all this time?

Does he even know what my score is?

Does he even know that i constantly got 120-122 of IQ since i was in kindergarten?

Did he knew that i practice a lot for my presentation so that i got lesser sleep?

I bet he didn’t. They didn’t. Because I’m a lucky girl. Whatever I did, they won’t acknowledge it. I remember that time after my mom saw my report card and saying that she knew I could actually got an even higher score for it. I knew there’s lot of 9 and I was included in the big 5 of ranking.

You know what? I guess she would tell me that I did a really good job. I don’t even hoping her to said that she’s proud of me. But she didn’t said anything like that but scolding me. I went to my friend’s house directly to cry on her arms. It’s such a sad memory.

I thought after all this time, maybe, maybe I could prove something that I am a hardworking person and maybe, I can do it. The study, the rank, the cumlaude, the everything. But I’ve been mistaken. I’m so far away from my sisters. I am...a burden? A shadow of her.

Well at least I know now what my dad’s thinking of me. What my mom’s too.

I am not great. I am not good at anything. Even if I did good, it’s because of my lucky star, not my hardwork. I am just a lucky person.

Maybe if one day i dissapear, it’s because i run out of my luckiness..

[peddygreesneeze]

No one

Will going to see my post

And asked me warmly

"Hey, what happened?"

Because simply no one will care

Even me

I hate this thought

I hate to pity myself

But to whom should i rely myself?

If it's not me

Fat tears coming out of my eyes today

It's been a long time

Since i sobbed like a teenager

But again

No one will care

Just like what iron man said;

"Earth have millions of people

But we still feel alone"

And i hate to be alone

My poor self

I am sorry

[peddygreesneeze]

For the first time

I feel like a huge failure

Not only for others,

But also myself

A huge disappointment

Maybe i shouldn't work way too hard

Back then

Maybe i should sleep and playing more

Rather than remembering all the theories

Maybe i shouldn't be too ambitious

And excited over anything

Because at the end

I'm not worth it

No one's gonna see my hardwork

Or

Appreciate my effort

Because i'm just no one

All the knowledge

Skills

And good score that i've got

Bring me to nothingness

I'm still no one

No one to look up

No one to take care about

No one to be seen

I'm no one

No one believe me

Even myself

Because i'm not worth it

[peddygreesneeze]

Contemplation

All i need is me

All i need is me

I know i know i know

I know i know i know

--

I kept wondering

That in this world

I wasn't made of Adam & Eve

But Steve

That i was destined for being alone

Alone doesn't mean i have to suffer

Sometimes i kept chanting my pray

For people to not fall in love with me

Because i'm not worth to be loved

But i kept saying to my friends

That they're loved

Because i love them

I wanted them to have a happy life

Found their smile even in every hardship

Then what about me?

Who's gonna love me?

Who's going to understand me,

that myself couldnt even do it?

The answe is no one.

Maybe i was created to giving love for others

To hug them when they're cold

To draw a smile when they're frown

Maybe i'm not that all useless

Maybe i was made to love you

But not to be loved

Do not fall in love with me

I'm not worth it

Please

[peddygreesneeze]

PERSONA

Who the hell am i

I just wanna go

I just wanna fly

I just wanna give you all the voices till i die

I just wanna give you all the shoulders when you cry

Joonie my love, thank you for this beautiful music and video. Thank you for encouraging me to be a better person not only for others but also for myself. I, also a big question for me. That it’s gonna take forever to explore and find the answer. This song will forever be a big part in my journey of life.

‘Who am I’ the question I had my whole life

The question which I probably won’t find an answer to my whole life

[peddygreesneeze]

Evil

It’s here

It’s there

It’s everywhere

Consuming what’s good

And leaving the demonic one

Is it consuming me too?

I hope it is not

I’m not a saint

But i clearly don’t wanna be

An evil

In disguise

— AM.❈

[peddygreesneeze]

Who am I?

Part I

I’ve lived for 21 years

And i have to say

I forgot the 20 of it

I don’t know why

Maybe because I didn’t

Cherished the moment i’m in

Or maybe simply

Because there’s nothing worthy

I live a happy life

A joyful and blessed one

And sometimes i do even thinking

I live in a bubble

Where some magic creating a shield for me

Is it me?

Is it my parents?

Is it the God?

Even I, the owner of this very body and soul

Didn’t know it

— AM.❈

[peddygreesneeze]

It’s died

Once there’s a pure soul

Made by the god himself

But an accident

Made it stranded somewhere foreign

Far from home

That place

Turned out to be a hell for it

Hating it to the bone

Haunting it for death

It might be frightened

And struggled

To keep itself alive

Despite the harsh place it was in

Knowing it, I pray

To its creator for giving it

A better home

Which certainly not here

Today, the god has decided

To taken it back

But the devil found it first

So it can not meet its creator easily

Tortured to death, to be exact

I pleaded

Crying even

But i can’t

Do anything

I’m powerless, useless

Dear beautiful soul

I’m sorry that my kind was so mean to you

I’m sorry

I hope you have a good afterlife

And please, don’t come back here

Ever again.

— AM.❈

[peddygreesneeze]

[NOTICE] Page Open

After a long long break, i finally decides to re-activating my tumblr account. If this blog used as source for aesthetic pics before, now it has more purpose. It would be like, a little journal of mine.

I like writing. I always been.

I usually wrote things on my notebook. But i think it would be meaningful if i posted it on the internet, so that i could access it anywhere and everywhere.

So here it is

From today on, i'll try to pour my mind and heart here. So enjoy!

P.s. if you've got anything to ask/tell me, please press the "ask me anything" button♡

[anneriya-blog]

No More Dream - Lyric Review

If you’ve been an A.R.M.Y (official term for BTS fans) long enough, you’ll know by now that socially conscious lyrics are the trademark of BTS. It’s even more appealing since the members themselves, pen down the lyrics. Since day one, they’ve always made sure their songs deliver a message or touch upon taboo subjects. Their lead single ‘No more dream’ from their debut album, ‘2 Cool 4 Skool’ is one of my favorite songs by BTS - and that’s saying something - not only for it’s catchy tune but also because of it’s hard-hitting lyrics.

RM starts off the song by asking us, “Hey you, What’s your dream?”

 Now, if you were back to being a kid, you would have replied with something preposterous since we all believed the notion ‘You can be anything you want’ religiously. But our older and more mature selves, know it’s easier said than done and hence, we settle for having success, lots of money and a comfortable life instead.

In the first verse, Suga mocks this mentality of ours, as he raps:

“I wanna big house, big cars & big rings But actually, I don’t have any big dreams Haha, I live quite comfortably Even if I don’t dream, no one says anything” 

RM takes over from there, rapping:

“Everyone is thinking the same way as me I completely forgot about my childhood when I had a lot of dreams Don’t worry about college, I’ll at least go to a school that’s far away” 

The last line holds a lot of weight as we’re all conditioned to believe that if we graduate from a good college, our life will be sorted out. Sometimes, it’s not about the benefits that come with studying in a prestigious college, but it’s about the honorary status that comes with it. RM ridicules this belief. In the pre-chorus, V and J-hope ask us if this is really how we want to live our lives? They urge us to live the way we want, even if we live for one day.

“What is the you that you’ve dreamed of? Who do you see in the mirror? I gotta say Go on your path, even if you live for a day Do something, put away your weakness”

But, perhaps my most favorite part of the song is Jungkook’s verse:

“Why aren’t you saying anything? You don’t wanna study but you’re scared to quit school? See, you’re already getting ready for school Please grow up, you’re all talk dude, you have a glass mentality boy (Stop) Ask yourself if you’ve ever worked hard for anything”

The lyrics hit very close to home for me as I’ve been afraid to do my own thing, in the past. I was afraid of failure so I choose the safe way instead of pursuing something I was passionate about. A lot of people can relate to this as well, and I know a few of my friends who hate what they do too, but they still continue because they think they can’t do any better. Some people on the other hand, live for someone else’s dream. They force down their own dreams and try to live up to their parent’s or an elder’s expectations.

“Sick of the same day, the repeating days Grown-ups and my parents keep instilling confined dreams to me”

BTS understands all of this and they know everything that’s wrong with the education system. Each line of this song is meant to comfort the youth and remind them of their dreams. You could also say, this song is meant to be an anthem for all those who are struggling to find their own way. Life is too fleeting to be following someone else’s path and regretting it later. Even if you’re afraid and unsure, you should follow your heart. It sounds cliche right? But since I’m being cliche, I’ll throw out another one: Hard work will always pay off in the end. So let’s listen to Jin and rebel against the norms. Lets us go on our own path.

“That’s a lie, you such a liar See me, see me, ya you’re a hypocrite Why are you telling to go a different path? Take care of yourself Please don’t force me”

This song is one of the most inspirational songs by BTS and it deserves so much more recognition. So, if you haven’t watched the music video yet, check it out below!

Lyrics source : https://popgasa.com/2013/06/11/bts-no-more-dream/

[peddygreesneeze]

OMG this is so well written and i was so touched by how Anne my sweetiepie told us about her opinion towards the lyric! When we firsg met, we talked a lot and i happen to know that this girl was having courage to take his own path. She choose it. I am so so so proud of her! That makes me realize things too that goes well with this lyric-breakdown. Thank you for inspiring me to find my own dream & path Anne💜