🌀 Amanda @daynightspirals - Tumblr Blog

Tuesday — 28/07/2026

Woke up, made eggs. Spent the morning doing I don't know what, but I recall some videos about conifers. Made lunch. Had a nap, then mom woke me up at one thirty. Went to the treadmill, stayed there for thirty minutes, but took long to pee, I don't remember how many calories I burned. Went for thirty more minutes, and burned 72 calories. Showered.

Made eggs. Painted the bird on the cover of an album by La Dispute. Joined Roblox and had two girl predict my future, but took them tarot cards instead.

Monday — 27/07/2026

Woke up, had eggs; slept. Woke up, had lunch; slept. Woke up, had therapy. We talked about many things, she thinks I was having an episode. And about Luke, she says I shouldn't run away every time I get scared of rejection.

I spent the afternoon cleaning my bedroom, then I showered. I feel as fat as I have ever been, I wish I hadn't eaten anything in the last four years.

I still want to die, still can't write. Played pool with a different guy, not fun.

Sunday — 26/07/2026

Woke up, had breakfast, slept again. Don't remember my afternoon, but I went to a convenience store with mom and bought popsicles.

At night I texted Luke, and told him I wanted to talk to him about something. He called, he kept on asking what I wanted to talk about, and I'd just create a fictitious scenario. I finally told him, I said that I was going to leave for good. He asked me why, we talked... I asked if I could get a picture of his penis so I could paint it, but he couldn't get hard. When talking about it, I said there was some beauty about it, and he said "well, there's beauty about all of you". He would laugh when trying to explain that he was sad and couldn't get it up. He said "I guess astrology was right about our end". I asked him if he was sure that I could call him on his birthday, he asked why, and I said that maybe he'll be over me, he said that it'll take at least four months, I think that's a short amount, oh well... It went silent, and when that happens I'll assume you hate me and want to leave, he said that he doesn't, because that'll really be the end. I said bye, he mumbled, didn't hear what he said, then said bye as well. After awhile, hoping he'd say something, I said "I was really hoping you wouldn't leave it at that". I could still see his typing as I blocked him.

Oh well, what can I do.

Saturday — 25/07/2026

Woke up at noon, had lunch and a shit ton of Sprite. Ate cake. Slept. I feel abandoned.

Luke wouldn’t call me, and whenever I'd send a reel he'd just react to it. Started melting onto my bed. My mom entered with a chocolate and a popsicle, she's been so nice to me lately. I blocked Luke everywhere, then sent him something I wrote him about how I feel like he's been trying to leave gradually, and how I hated that, in between other things. I was still very sad but what was I going to do. He added me on Discord, on a different account, and asked to talk. He called, he said that that's not what he was trying to do, yesterday he just didn't know how to react to what was happening. He said there was no way to help me or "protect" me from afar and that made him uncomfortable. I told him he couldn't have dealt with the situation in a worse way, and he agreed. I had dinner than went back, we talked about a lot of things, and I decided to leave him unblocked.

Time went on, we talked, I actually bought him a pine tree for his birthday, but it'll arrive late. He went to a drugstore to buy lube and a chapstick. I was still on call, I told him to ask the cashier to go to the bathroom with him and he laughed, don't know how far away he was at that point. I just love how submissive he's turning, it's so fucking hot.

When we were done I just organized my bed.

Friday — 24/07/2026

I drank too much coffee, took one more Xanax than I should, and took my morning pills with the night ones. Had a panic attack, I called Luke and asked him to sing to calm me down, but I had to call the number for intoxication, but it wasn't helpful, so I texted my therapist. She told me to go to the doctor, I called mom, and she just made me eggs and helped me sleep. The cute thing is that Luke asked if I wanted him to skip his class to be with me.

I woke up at six pm. Mom made me eggs again. Luke and I talked. I sand him Freeze-hide, and The Science Of The Dying Eyes, but hung up after I felt a lack of validation. Mom called me to tell me it was raining, but I knew why she called me before she got to tell me. I opened a bottle of wine and called Luke again, we talked. I wanted to see it, but he was touching it with such melancholy. He was sad because of the dilemma, I was fortunately able to turn it around. I felt like such a pervert, though... he wanted to understand me and I just wanted to see that d.

Finished the bottle, drove to the beach while singing songs as loud as I could, I haven't felt that happy in a while. Put my arms outside the window and felt pain as the rain aligned perfectly against my direction. Also, there was almost no gas left, I went anyway. Once I got to the beach I danced around in the rain, called Luke once I got signal, he had nothing to say. I swung with the big tree, it felt AWESOME!!!! I didn't care about anything but me and the moment. Went under a payphone for fun, hugged some trees, but specially, my favorite one. When I was in the car I pictured me crashing, when I was at the beach I pictured a feline killing me, but it was great. I absolutely love being alone in the dark, there's nothing that could possibly be better. At some point I decided to drive back home, after a LOT of fun. I was listening to Whiplash by 2Hollis when I drove too close to the corner of the rode, my tire got completely fucked up, but to be fair, in my head I crashed and died, so that was much better. I know that it's wrong, but there's something about going fast and not hitting the brakes on the curves.

I called mom, but she wasn't answering, thankfully I had signal. I called grandma, and told her to wake up mom, I lied and said I was at a friends. Mom said they were gonna go and picked me up. I started walking in the rain listening to music in the middle of the road, best day ever; saw a frog. I felt one with everything that's mine, I always feel that in those moments, that's the feeling I always hope to go back to.

Mom and grandma found me, I got in the car. I'm sure there was a quick speech, but I brush past it. We got home, changed clothes; I wrote here, then went to bed.

Thursday — 23/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Made coffee, and in the afternoon Luke and I tried starting the book. At some point I got really sad when I noticed just how easy it was for him. I randomly told him I was going to go to the treadmill and hung up. I guess he noticed my tone, cause he asked me if I was ok. When I said I wasn't he asked if there was anything he could do, or if I wanted to vent. He said I should watch a video about the bug that I like while on the treadmill to take my mind off of things, I told him I couldn't do that, that I needed to cry for a bit then I'd be fine. He asked me again if there was something he could do, I told him to study neuroscience and come up with a cure, he said he's tried to study my brain before, but that I'm kinda resistant. It went like this:

How am I resistant?

You won't tell Me your second favorite color, you're Pretty open mostly there have just been a few times I've asked you something that you didn't wanna answer.

Cause It's just a color to you, you wouldn't want to understand the color

Now that I know it's more than a color to you I'm very interested to know more

I'd like to know how you see things even if it's different from how I do

You'd reach a dead end and there would be nothing in me anymore, meanwhile I'd feel a void. It's Stupid

Why would you feel a void?

Cause that's what it feels like when someone tries to see you but fails

Well I'd very much like to try if you're ever open to it

I don't trust you

Like you don't trust what I'm saying now or in general?

What you're saying

How come?

I can speculate but I imagine I'd rather know from you rather than operating on an assumption. I've found a few videos on lacewings btw for when you're feeling better

Damned 22 degrees

What about my 22 degrees are you damning?

You

You're hard to understand

Treadmill

Would you like clarification on something?

I didn't answer, with time we moved back to reels. I mean, with every other guy I'd reach a point to have a fight then leave, but he sticks around, he caters to my every need. I don't know why, I don't know what he gets from this.

I went to the treadmill, stayed for sixty minutes and burned 140 calories. Had to lay in bed for awhile cause I got cramps, Luke played pool with me. I then had to clean my bedroom, he said, "you clean your room a lot, you're like a roomba". I then showered. Went outside and saw Venus, soooo beautiful.

When mom came from work she made me eggs just like yesterday, it was yummy. I don't know if I'm entering a manic episode or if it's the coffee, I could also be in a spiritual awakening moment, the thing is, they all happen at the same time.

Luke called me. We talked about many things, and just cleared the air. We talked about the other day. He asked many questions, and I did too. Later that night I asked him to join podcast, he said he was on the bed, and I said the phone quality sucked, so he didn't have to join. He got out of the bed and joined. And when I said "bed time" because the podcast was boring, he called me again.

I watched him, again. We ended up deciding not to go to sleep. We talked for hours, he said many things, I mean, this guy is falling hard for me; I like him too which makes me very uncomfortable. He said he'd be 90 years old and will still associate pine trees to me. Said he missed me many times, and we're always talking. He said he's been more productive ever since we started talking, that he hadn't picked up a book in like, six months. Tried to understand me for hours, he reached the sentence "is seeing you worth the risk of losing you?" after I told him I'd just leave if I were to try and explain myself. He said I could convince him that I put a spell on him. He says he really wants to fully submit to my, and doesn't know why. He said he'd actually let me eat his toe. He wants to have sex with a guy and live stream it for me, and I want it soooo bad. He's going to buy a dildo, and use it on his birthday, I can pick the color and I chose purple. I really like this guy, but when looking into the future I can only see me fucking things up and leaving.

Wednesday — 22/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. In the afternoon I watched Luke play BG3. He played me the saxophone again, and when he got tired he played me the piano. I tried painting a saxophone but failed. We hung up at some point, then he calls me again, he never seems to be tired of me. He nerds out all the time and I like it.

At night mom made me scrambled eggs cause I was very tired (lazy). Michael texted me asking if I was playing, so I created a server. I brought out a subject, something that Luke told me Michael had said last night. We talked about it, and I texted Luke, and said I was sorry I told him, I thought that maybe he could get met that I brought it up, instead, he joined the server, and they started debating each other. He was being so fucking hottttt I wanted to kill myself. At some point I was left alone with Michael, I suggested he'd apologized, and he said that he could apologize to kitty for my sake, but that he wouldn't really mean it, then he started giving me relationship advice, like he was my father. His cat injured her tail, so now she's wearing a cone; he's the toughest guy ever, with the most tough accent, but even his tone changes when talking to his cat. He calls her "middle finger" in Romanian, but in a cute way apparently.

Tuesday — 21/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Had therapy. Went to the treadmill, stayed for sixty minutes, and burned 141 calories. Tried playing pool while there, it did not work. Cleaned my bedroom, washed the dishes; showered, and made dinner.

Luke called me, we played some games. We started talking about how I think we're gonna stop talking pretty soon. Because, when playing pool I told him if I won something would happen, and if he won something else would have happened. If I had won, we would stop talking, and if he did, we'd continue, I wanted an answer from the universe. He won, and asked me what it meant, so I told him. He always caters to my needs, so when I got bored and said I like uncomfortable subjects better, he tried his best, but I couldn't say that the problem is my weight. We talked, though. He mentioned he used to work as a security guard, and spent his time reading The Wheel Of Time, which is super funny. Once his friend recorded him pretending to pee with a hose in between his legs and posted it on Facebook, people called him a freak. I asked him to play me the saxophone, and I felt something, deeply, it was so romantic. He played Theme From Symhony No. 5 By Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky and Somewhere By Leonard Bernstein Basies Blues.

He got take out, rice and ramen, and showed it to me. After he ate he told me he'd leave to goon, I was like "alright", cause we had talked about it. But, right after he hung up he asked me to play pool, and I asked him why in the world would you do them at the same time, and he said "It'll help", still don't know what that means. I asked him why he hung up in the first place and he said he figured it'd be awkward for me. He called, I heard it and I saw it, it was fucking great. He said my voice was sexy which I did not know, but for some reason it didn't ick me. God, it was so good seeing him as his body did that thing. Also, I saw his face, he's cute. He has long hair, though it's blonde.

After that we joined Podcast. I asked God for him and Michael join at the same time, and it worked. Luke was playing a zombie game, and they said they'd play it together. Kitty joined as well. Luke was practicing the piano, but was still on podcast. When I left the podcast I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was practicing on the piano, he asked why, and I said I thought he was still playing that game and I wanted to watch. He said he would play the one we played earlier, I mentioned that he was practicing, and he said he already has it figured out. He's always making time for me, he makes me not feel clingy. And when he plays that game he babies me, the way he lets me make every decision... it's all just uncomfortably nice.

Went to bed.

Monday — 20/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Went to the treadmill, even though I'm on my period and said I wouldn't go. Stayed for sixty minutes and burned 140 calories. Showered. Watched Obsession with Luke. Had eggs. Luke slept then came back after I had already taken my meds, we talked.

Sunday — 19/07/2026

Woke up, watched Zombieland Double Tap with Luke. Played some games. Made fish. Luke called again, he joined Podcast. Took some cards. Mom asked me to make her eggs, so I made it for me, mom, and Carlos. Luke and I tried creating a server, didn't go well.

Luke and I stayed until four in the morning talking. We saw our synastry chart, did many things, really. The important part is that I finally questioned him on weather this is platonic or romantic. He said it is whatever I want it to be, he said we have chemistry but he usually lets the other person take charge in that regard. He thinks of connections in a different way than I do. He started asking some questions about myself, and we even shared our medications and diagnosis. When I was about to show him a music video and he said he'd show his first he got upset about it and wanted to undo his action, but I had already stopped sharing my screen, and by the time I joined his, he was playing the song I was gonna play.

Saturday — 18/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Started making an edit of Jude Bellingham's Mars and Jupiter. Went to the grocery store with mom, bought some healthy candy. Finished the edit. Joined Kitty in a server.

I ended up making fish. Made a server and met this girl from Cuba called Penelope. She's going to be valedictorian, and wants to go to Harvard. It was sooo nice meeting her, she's so fun. I did a tarot reading for her, she's amazing, I want to platonically marry her, move to the forest and adopt 15 kids.

Friday — 17/07/2026

Woke up at seven am, that's right, am. I made eggs for me and mom. I don't remember exactly what I spend the morning doing, but I did make green juice. Luke said we'd watch Zombieland Double Tap at 12:30, but I thought he meant on my time, so again, we didn't watch it, cause I was very sleepy, and if I didn't go straight to the treadmill and watch a movie instead I'd fall asleep. I drank coffee, straight. Was on the treadmill for 60 minutes, burned 140 calories. After that I showered; cleaned my bedroom; made fish; ate; then chilled.

Luke and I played until two twenty in the morning. He's called me fascinating; eccentric; bizarre, and peculiar, but only when we started talking about kinks. I made him download Instagram, and he shared his screen as he watched my stories. I had to watch many emo music videos, though... not worth it.

Thursday — 16/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Waited for Luke to hit me up so we could watch Zombieland Douple Tap at 13 pm, but he was 22 minutes late. He told me he was actually an hour and 22 minutes late cause he was thinking of my noon. I told him we should watch it another day, he asked to call and I told him I'd clean my bedroom, which I did. Spent the afternoon doing that, then showered.

Luke called me, we played Roblox for awhile, then I made my fish. Went back to Roblox, and talked to Kittyyyy. Someone wanted a tarot reading, and we spent our time trying to figure out if the girl he got with is pregnant or not.

Wednesday — 15/07/2026

Woke up in the morning. Made eggs, and green juice. Ended up falling asleep again. Mom woke me up at noon, and asked me if I wanted her to make me the fish later, and I said yes, but she didn't wake me up. I woke up at three something pm. I pushed through the sleepiness and walked on the treadmill, 60 minutes, burned 137 calories. I made me fish. Luke texted me as I was cleaning my bedroom, and I told him that I was busy but would probably play in a few minutes. I hate this, I don't want to play it cool, I like him, but he doesn't seem to like me the same way, and when it comes to a platonic relationship, lets all just agree, I'm not that entertaining, SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?????

We played many games, and watched Zombieland; he pirates all of his movies and music, I love that. I have to write a song about how mean I am after losing a bet in pool, AND have to listen to a jazz album. He always calls me buddy when hanging up, wtf.

Tuesday — 14/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Played pool. Went to the ear doctor, my whole is small. Mom and I went to the super market, and bought some fat free snacks. When the cashier was passing my items, he mentioned to his friend that green apples are Argentinian, so I made a joke, and told him to put them back. His friend asked him about his Neymar theory, and he told him to wait for the clients to leave, but I told him I was invested, so he did. We got back home.

Played games with Luke, he taught me how to play Go. I got so attached at the end, I really didn't want him to go. The same thing happened with the last bisexual leftist I met... I just always need them.

Monday — 13/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. Played pool on Roblox. Had therapy. Stayed one hour on the treadmill and burned 140 calories. Showered, and decorated my headphones. Played Roblox.

Sunday — 12/07/2026

Woke up, had lunch. When Martina ran out of candy we shared my popsicle. Played Roblox.

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🌀 Amanda