April

When can I go to work?

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A Refusal to Look Directly pt. 2

Wake 

Check my phone

Close my eyes 

Toss and Turn

Get up to go pee

Lay back in bed 

Turn on TV

The morning is starting to be this repeat loop of events. The refusal to break the cycle. The refusal to want to break out of the cycle even though there isnt much else to do. The loop never breaks and sometimes continues into the day and then it all seems like the 24 hours in the day were mashed together into this one long drawn out hour that seems so long but so short at the same time. The refusal to commit to live practice because of limitations. How can i refuse to leave when there is nothing outside? 

My practice of trying to remain positive is slowly dwindling. Waiting to break out is becoming uneasy. It’s like not taking the cookies your mom left on the counter. The practice of just letting emotions and the day float on, not trying to be direct or trying to have a plan. 

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Dismantle “

Dismantle of Reality

During the Quarantine, i've been interested in new ways to find reality. While i am at home i've been dabbling in things like makeup, visual art and reading. What ways can we bring a new reality to the world around us? 

Makeup create a new person, it can allow for you to reshape a face and add definition, A point of research was my sudden interest in drag and how men and women can cross the lines of gender with makeup. You can become whoever or whatever you want to be and present that out to the world. 

Coloring and Drawing allow to add color to blank slates kind of creating a new world on a piece of paper. This infinite amount places the brain can go to create this fictional world to entertain you. It’s also rally soothing and allows for you to kind of pause time and allow for you to take things in and really just live in the moment. 

Dismantling of reality is trying to step outside of the norm and take a moment to live outside of the quick moving real reality. 

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Mimicking in Understanding

This practice came from viewing Arkadi Zaides “ Archive”, in which he embodies the movement of the Palestine people. This related to my practice of trying to breakdown the sense of understanding by simple trying to be the same. 

My own practice involved me trying to identify patterns in my own life. What tie do i wake up normally? what are my morning habits? trying to sit back and fully identify the small “humanly” things that make me whole. I’m interested in thinking about how you can take those patterns and make them more solid landmarks in life. After 3 weeks you can break a habit, so what becomes of things that are simply unbreakable? How can one stop waking up early in the morning? That then makes me question intention of starting a habit, maybe some habits start themselves and are good for your body. I wouldn't necessarily say i would mimic my daily life, but maybe just almogimate to understand who i am. 

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A Search for the Indefinite

This week in my reflection practice, I’m thinking about results and outcomes. Like do I do what I do just for this wanting of being rewarded for the work and time i’ve put into thing. But, also really trying to thinking about how things can play out before things happen. It’s kind of complex because not only am i worried about the result and the outcome of events, i kind of want to jump into somethings just hoping for the best. Optimism comes to mind and just being able to walk into things knowing that what i have is enough and trusting that to get you through whatever happens. Anxiety also comes to play in this reflection and finding ways to calm that stress of not knowing what can happen. Finding outlets such as listening to music or taking a walk or practicing self care. I think a lot of my thoughts this week were circled upon this idea of reaching for something that may or may not happen. Just having the ability to trust the process is kind of the interesting part.

Relating to the prompt, i ask myself why do i continue to ponder on things? why am i constantly in this loop of thoughts that make me feel like shit ? Why did i allow for him to have that much power over me? Why do i continue to try and present this perfect fasace to recreate a time? Searching for this glimpse that maybe what once was can be revived searching for this indefinite action that will spark the recurrence? idk maybe i'm just babbling but thats kind of how the prompt related to my reflection process even though its concerning something else. 

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Communication Between Things That Are Different Simply Because They Are Different

My weekly reflection practice this week included a small breathing practice as well. Thinking of breath as a circle and that its constantly rotating through the body. With breath i paired this thought of getting rid of stress. Not allowing for the stress to settle in the body but for it to be cycled through. I also was thinking a lot about setting. Setting meaning the place in which life is happening for a said person. Can the setting your in effect the things happening to you on a day to day? Does setting have power? The thought came to mind now that i am looking for a new place to live. And after leaving a job where being there felt like torture and not just because it was work lol. But different setting make you feel so many different things, so how can we allow that to show physically ? Do our bodies move differently based on where we are? 

In response to the prompt this week, relating to my practice of reflecting and thinking about settings. I think this prompt is describing life, in order to do anything you must talk to someone who is simply different from you unless your identical twins. When thinking about physical descriptions. But, also you have to experience different spaces and be able to navigate through them. And it’s what comes out of that experience that is important. What can we learn through experiencing things outside our norm?

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An Operation Carried Out

op·er·a·tion: 

      the fact or condition of functioning or being active.

car·ry:

      support and move (someone or something) from one place to another.

This week a part of my reflection process, i thought a lot about compromise. A part of this came from being a mentor for freshman project. The idea of compromising who you are for so many different things. In a sense, we are never fully our true selves in my opinion. I must try to push myself out as much as i can but i still have to do that based on the conditions i am in. I also thought about it from a relationship aspect, not allowing yourself to maybe give too much into something. Because you have to compromise the amount received. In weight, you can't just let it all fall, the partner might not be strong enough to carry that. Relating to my work from last semester, how much do i compromise to make my work objective to others?  

In response to the prompt, it definitely added to my poetic study. i think in my practice, i've worked on solidifying my decisions and taking ownership of them. The activeness of my making of the decision is what’s interesting when reflecting upon them. I ask myself where is the decision coming from? Does what i decide hurt others? Does what i decide hurt me?. The support comes in on me, trying to support my own decision weight and allowing that to work for me. The operation carried out is constantly changing and sometimes that decision doesn't even get made. The operation in the definition above is definitely different for everyone, it begs the question of can we replace the word operation with goals. Maybe the process of achieving their goals is their operation.

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Everything Can Be Transformed into Something Else

My practice this week was kind of different, from my normal research. I was thinking about application. And  how now only can a physical thing be used and transformed into/for many things. But words and actions can also be transformed and  understood for separate scenarios. From now my practice kind of includes thins sense of winding down. I’ve gotten into reflecting and commenting on my day to just see where i am. I’m also into kind of just this practice of finding things to not only improve my creative mind, but how can they also improve my normal human mind. 

The prompt didn't actually take shape in my practice till i sat here to write. In this idea of application. For me, sometime this week i found it in a correction from class. The correction was sometimes i put too much energy into things. In class, this correction kind of sent me into this mindset to actually take a step away and become a witness. It was when I took the time to calm my energy was i able to do the task correctly. This was “Transformed” into something that was able to apply to my everyday life. Sometimes too much is a bad thing lol. In that i also think things are transformed constantly. And sometimes it’s in that “transformation” that i was able to again take a step back. This step back moment is a part of my research, and what those moments do to your body and soul.

[pedrothestudent-blog]

Refusal to Look Directly

Di-rect-ly:

         - without changing direction or stopping.

         - with nothing or no one in between.

Re-fus-al:

         - an act or an instance of refusing; the state of being refused.

Part one: Something that is new to my research is this idea of continuity. In that is the continuity of research and ideas. The art of my practice begins with the breakdown of the prompt in a dictionary style. It’s an idea started last semester to get a more arbitrary response, which i believe allows room for opinions and conversation. So in a way, i am looking directly into words and then totally fucking them up. That idea of messing up the “set” meaning of words, is the refusal part of my practice.

Part Two: The second part of my practice this week, related to the goal of incorporating research into my work. The source material involved the Calvino reading. Again the idea of continuity presents itself with the idea map.

Lightness as Representation--> How can we present an idea indirectly?

With this in physical practice... Laying on the floor, eyes shut, finding the straight line of the earth my body. The body has a natural reaction to jerk and move. The battle of the remaining in this lightness state of calmness to the awake and up. But There is also a heaviness presented directly, the relaxation of the muscles allows for the weight of the body to pool into the ground. This doesn’t necessarily having to directly do with vision, but instead a refusal to give in directly to what the natural body does. So let me reword the the prompt as a refusal to direct instinct.

The question of weight and giving weight also relates to the refusal to commit directly to the receiver of weight. Directly comes to play within this practice, the non stop direct connection to the floor. Just the idea of a jump as an interruption. Going for a jog, the speed depends of how quick my feet return to push off into a run or a leap.

step step jump jump step jump step jump step jump jump jump jump jump jump step step step step step jump jump jump jump jump jump step jump jump jump step step steep step jump jump jump jump step jump step step land.

A refusal to directly connect with the group, the natural instance of the body. Converting back to lightness as a way to refuse the weight and naturalness of the body. Weight comes from the calvino reading as well as lightness as ideas within my practice. Weight as the idea of the atoms connecting to form a solid matter. Bodies as a solid matter made of atoms, the atoms create that weight of the whole. Jumping can be a refusal to sit in that weight, shaking the atoms to disrupt the weight.

How can the refusal to look directly turn into a refusal to the norm? or refusal of the natural?

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