(PRO ENDO, ANTI-RQ) it/its | programmed multi-origins DID polyplex | 1000+ headmates & fragments total across several sidesystems | main is polyporpoising
🌊 > hello, this is our plural blog. collectively, we will respond to the names Morgan or Polaris. our main blog is @polyporpoising, where we talk about being a cetacean
🌊 > we are a polyplex; currently, four sidesystems (with a combined number of ~1000 known podmates & fragments) are active, with two sparsystems of the largest sidesystem most consistently holding front on a seasonal basis
🌊 > we have programmed DID and will talk about it (not in detail) and our progress sometimes, as multiple of the active sidesystems are directly derived from it. we're also multi-origins (spiritual, aporine, and also two tulpas lol)
(notable headmates, block-on-sight list, and tags below)
we are okay with answering questions on how programming affects us and our experiences trying to heal/manage OEA trauma on a case-by-case basis. we will not tell you if we think your experiences "count". please do not ask.
Notable podmates from...
🐬 The Old Guard > Carmen (commandant), Cordon (co-commandant), Summer (active co-host), Drowned!Halt, Watcher!Grian
❄️ Permafrost sparsystem > Smoke (host), Brown Fox (gatekeeper), Kinger (secondary gatekeeper), Cassandra, Oakley (passive co-host),
🐬 Softspace > Anti, Neocaridina, Feldspar
🐬 Dreadwood > King of Beasts (KOB), Knight Commander / General (KCG), The Witch / Mother (TWM), Bentley, Scooter
🐬 Other > Jasper / Jazz / Azzy, Snout / Kelsey / Kels (Oakley's tulpas)
🫧 Other info > We're intersex and physically disabled, and we have NPD, AsPD, and SZPD. We're also dyslexic and mildly hard of hearing, and occasionally experience psychotic episodes.
🫧 We block on sight > Anti-endos (including anti-spiritual & anti-created plurality); exclusionists; disbelieve OEA survivors; fakeclaimers (including reality checkers); pro-harassment &/or censorship; those who equate fictional tastes to real life morals; believe you can "transition to intersex"
We reserve the right to block for other unlisted reasons without warning
Tag list
#dolphin whistles - original posts
#pk;m [name] - podmate tags (eg, #pk;m Oakley, #pk;m KOB)
#no author - original posts without a specific author
#reblog - reblogs
#asks - asks!
#unknown tone - asks where we can't tell if it's hate or not
#hatemail - unambiguously hateful or negative asks
#ask games - ask games! both the original game post and asks from it
#tw [thing] - tw tag
#intro post - this post!
#blog upkeep - blog upkeep
the most tolerable 1 of newfound sidesystem is 1 who believes RAMCOA was real but thinks otherworld is from RAMCOA. which still ignore our spiritual aspects but not outright deny experiences and relationship we have. was able 2 have conversation w/o 2 much irritation and said that none of them had real names really because everything just shouting constantly. "no need 4 names when you hate every1 & don't want any1 to call you by name in the 1st place".
wild to apparently have a sidesystem made up solely of anti-endos but it turns out they can't even agree with each other because on the one hand, there's the who think our RAMCOA never happened. one believes that most of our RAMCOA-derived headmates don't exist but everyone else does, another thinks that all of those headmates are "introjects" of some sort, another thinks that not even anyone in our otherworld is here (leaving us with less than 100 total headmates). they all believe that we're either trying to find reasons to "feel bad" or that psychosis is making us believe we underwent RAMCOA. at least one of them doesn't even think RAMCOA is real at all, let alone that it didn't happen to us.
and then there's the ones who believe our RAMCOA did happen. one of them thinks that all of our RAMCOA headmates are real and that all of our walk-ins are just from us having extraordinarily low "split tolerance" (we don't use "splitting" terminology), and everyone not part of our in the otherworld is the same. another thinks that our headmates are real, but everyone from the otherworld is an especially-elaborate NPC. another believes that all of the people from the otherworld were derived from our RAMCOA and are all programmed, and that everything in the otherworld is programmed to be the way it is (same as our other sidesystems), and everyone else is--once again--a consequence of low "split tolerance" (and/or fragments latching onto identities).
that's at least six headmates all in this one secluded sidesystem that's been giving us quiet thoughts and urges for Literal Fucking Years without ever revealing themselves. and they're split along these lines and the ones on each side hate each other. and there's animosity even within each side. because their literal only similarity otherwise is that they're anti-endo. and they're too trauma- and exclusionism-brained to see past their own worldview.
i really do think that the plural community should learn more about experiences such as being aplatonic, being afamilial, and those spectrum of experiences. because systems shouldn't really be told that platonic and especially familial connections are necessary for a system to be functional and truly happy.
the fun part of being polyfragmented is i can go "man, we're struggling with calming our brain down to sleep, it would be nice if we had someone who fronted Specifically to make us sleep!" and the brain will here that and go "oh really? oh really now??? here you go" and suddenly there is a voice in your head that you've never heard before
doesn't have a name. only purpose is to get us sleep. will literally just say "no" over and over again if we try to think something (especially something that would keep us up longer). awesome
mini update: turns out this person was actually Bipedal Hyena In A Suit (now named Bile), repurposing its objectively harmful (even if it wasn't actually that hurtful by the time we finally learned about it) programming for something good. thank you Bile!
wondering if we could get gatekeepers to block off all memories of our ex. or otherwise convince the brain to shunt those memories out of us (general memory blocking, taking advantage of programming, breaking off a few fragments from our hivemind specifically to hold those memories?). they've caused too many problems, between breakdowns about how we were abused and "how could we ever feel safe around them?" and "why did we ever want them back in our life, we made a mistake ever letting them in ourl ife", to breakdowns about how much we (especially headmates from previous epochs) miss them and "maybe we should extend an olive branch, everything was our fault, we were the terrible one" and "we won't ever find someone who wants us like they did, and we made a mistake ever letting them go"
alas. probably not a good idea to start fucking with our memory (especially considering it's memories that are integral to a solid four-ish years of our life) when we have several prior engagements and have many people relying on us to be able to Not Forget Things at the moment. we also wouldn't even know where to start.
(would the better thing be to make peace with those memories and learn how to regulate ourselves better? sure, in theory, but that's much easier said than done, and for as long as contacting our ex is Technically Possible, attempting to do anything other than blocking the memories out and trying to forget they ever existed has significant risk of ending up with us getting into a bad situation.)
(really, the best feasible solution is to try and... compartmentalize those memories in some way. turn them "fictional". turn that "part of our life" into a story book of sorts, so our adoptives and everyone in us who had connections to them don't have to lose parts of themselves--those connections and that source are just... far more similar to the connections and sources of our other fictives, who--while certainly having experienced that life--haven't experienced that life in this world. or, really, it would be much more like my personal situation with my homeworld! i kind of remember it, and i now have a friend in-sys who can confirm that it was real (hi Bullydog), and it was my life, but it's not my current life, so i'm not completely broken up about the traumatic shit. a few would still be necessarily aware of the reality (namely, gatekeepers and those who aren't actually part of our brain and just live in the otherworld, since we can't very well just erase those folks' memories), but we'd be able to get on with our life.)
the fun part of being polyfragmented is i can go "man, we're struggling with calming our brain down to sleep, it would be nice if we had someone who fronted Specifically to make us sleep!" and the brain will here that and go "oh really? oh really now??? here you go" and suddenly there is a voice in your head that you've never heard before
doesn't have a name. only purpose is to get us sleep. will literally just say "no" over and over again if we try to think something (especially something that would keep us up longer). awesome
the fun part of being polyfragmented is i can go "man, we're struggling with calming our brain down to sleep, it would be nice if we had someone who fronted Specifically to make us sleep!" and the brain will here that and go "oh really? oh really now??? here you go" and suddenly there is a voice in your head that you've never heard before
the problem with having DID is we keep forgetting things we already knew about ourselves. we can never come up with a complete and whole view of who and what we are because we just keep forgetting.
(questions are kind of personal + themes of syscourse; feel free not to answer)
have you ever felt isolated from other programmed systems / the wider community because most are anti-endo and you aren't? and do you know if there even are any spaces/resources for programmed systems that are also explicitly pro-endo?
that's the important bit, really. the rest of this ask is just some very long-winded words of support.
we ourselves are probably not programmed and we're not inside your mind, so we don't have much insight as to what you may be going through. the headmate who did most of our research into the topic has faded and taken many of her memories with her. as with most things, I imagine boundaries vary from system to system and headmate to headmate.
still, whatever your answer (or lack thereof):
we wish you all a fulfilling, comfortable life — not just a continued survival, but a life (or several, if you each take your own paths) — away from abuse and further harm, alongside those who understand and support you.
thank you for the well wishes! i (Rose) will be answering this since i am part of one of our programmed sidesystems lol
we've definitely felt a lot of isolation just in general, both in programmed sys communities (for the reason you mentioned of them being widely anti-endo) and in pro-endo communities (because of just how hard it is to find other pro-endo programmed systems). the isolation isn't as bad in pro-endo communities, though, if just because we find the wider pro-endo community to be significantly more likely to go to bat for programmed systems & victims of OEA than the wider anti-endo community (a lot of anti-endos do not believe OEA to exist/believe it's so rare as to functionally never happen/believe no victims of OEA would be online--r/syscringe is a good example, we've seen users who engage there saying that "if someone actually went through that kind of abuse, they'd basically be a vegetable/be completely non-functional and would NEVER have a social media account").
obviously, that's not to say all pro-endos are kind towards OEA & programmed systems, nor that all anti-endos believe OEA doesn't exist; it's just a trend we've seen where anti-endos are far more likely to disbelieve (and disbelieve loudly and expressly in survivor spaces) in the existence of OEA than pro-endos.
in terms of resources... resources for OEA & programming are already few and far between. fewer that acknowledge that non-traumagenic and non-disordered plurality are possible, and yet fewer that can conceptualize OEA & programmed systems that aren't exclusively traumagenic. already, a lot of resources tend to be exclusionary of certain victims; the one book we found that actually helped us in any way had very little specific help to offer for anyone whose programming didn't have to do either with cults or the military. various organizations have a vested interest in suppressing knowledge around OEA, and OEA in general is seen as so extreme as to be "unbelievable"--quite literally, people refuse to believe it can happen (as mentioned above), leaving very little in the way of resources or support.
(unfortunately, the closest thing to pro-endo spaces for OEA systems are... most often r/adq/ueer. said spaces actively trigger our programming and encourage... backsliding in healing, and we suspect that's actually part of the reason why there's a lot of OEA & programmed systems in those communities: because the triggering of programming can and often does feel like the safer option, after years of abuse writing obedience to abusers and to your programs as safe. we are lucky to have gotten out, to say the least.)
still can't believe it's been six whole years since we discovered our plurality. we're getting to the point where the briefer discourses we stumbled across in our plural infancy will be completely unknown to significant chunks of the community. hell, we bet even the name "aspenfrost" will be unknown entirely to a good number of folks since that was a few years ago now (i think...). we remember when willogenic was a new term! that'll be five years ago in November!
man. we were a stupid fucking teenager back then. and now we're a stupid fucking adult lmfao. i'm one of the hosts from that time period... goddd all the syscord dramas that happened. how many people remember pluralhub (i think it was called)? it was a discord server that connected a huge number of other plural servers together so you could easily find new servers. we were never in it but it was how our ex psys found servers (which we then followed her into because budding/newly realized schizoid baby us was only willing to go into public spaces where our confidant was, and we rarely--if ever--interacted with others without our confidant being part of the conversation as well. largely because we were hypersensitive to any interaction with other people because we were in high school and already having to interact with other people all day most days).
turns out when setting up our Ourcana, Smoke skipped a whooole buncha members from the Old Guard because they... drumroll.... had zero access to see the people in the Old Guard, and because it couldn't see or feel certain folks when it called, it assumed they weren't there.
luckily it was only a few members, but. still. oof :')
now sorting things, and there is again one single member who is evading The Tags (meaning our "system structure" tag, which includes Everyone across both hemisystems, has one less than it should. there should be 903 and there is 902). Smooooke why'd you do this to me :(
also it's "903" instead of 1000+ in there because part of the 1000+ comes from people who Can't be counted (eg, the beasts in Dreadwood) but who we know number in high enough amounts to make us break 1000. we add them as we meet them but we can't just put in all of them at once because we don't know exactly how many there are
turns out when setting up our Ourcana, Smoke skipped a whooole buncha members from the Old Guard because they... drumroll.... had zero access to see the people in the Old Guard, and because it couldn't see or feel certain folks when it called, it assumed they weren't there.
luckily it was only a few members, but. still. oof :')
now sorting things, and there is again one single member who is evading The Tags (meaning our "system structure" tag, which includes Everyone across both hemisystems, has one less than it should. there should be 903 and there is 902). Smooooke why'd you do this to me :(
turns out when setting up our Ourcana, Smoke skipped a whooole buncha members from the Old Guard because they... drumroll.... had zero access to see the people in the Old Guard, and because it couldn't see or feel certain folks when it called, it assumed they weren't there.
luckily it was only a few members, but. still. oof :')
