ayo tumblr just sent me a notification about your recent post. we haven’t interacted since like probably 2017 (I quit tumblr years ago) I don’t know your life story, I don’t know your reasons, but I do know a few things:
I attempted suidcide like probably 10 times as a teenager. (I also took a shit ton of Benadryl every night for weeks leading up to my last attempt so like, hear you there too) Now I know that teenage pain and adult pain feel very different. I know that it’s easier to look a 17 year old in the eyes and probably more likely they’ll believe you. I also know it’s so much easier to say when it’s not yourself. I don’t really know what I can say to convince you not to kill yourself other than saying i really really really hope you don’t. I really really sincerely hope you find whatever you need in order to hang on.
Idk I bring up my past because I spent well over a decade just aggressively wanting to die and thinking nobody would miss me. But like oh my god, I can’t begin to tell you how wrong I was about that. People will tell you it gets better but I think that’s overly simplistic. I think you learn how to live, I think you learn to find beauty in things. I think once you practice that skill of finding the beauty of human experience life begins to gain value. It’s not about happy or sad (though I’ll tell you after 10 years of trying what felt like everything I’m now on medications that make me able to feel genuinely happy), it’s about finding the value. I know in the deepest depths of my heart that your life has value and all I can do is hope that you are able to find it.
I didn’t even know I got tumblr notifs til just now, so I really feel like the universe wanted me to see you. I can’t tell you what to do but please let this be your sign that you belong here. I’m hoping that you see this. I’m hoping that you find whatever strength or whatever dumb lil reason you need to hang on; and hang on. I hope you see the sun set, and rise, and get to feel ur feet in the dirt, the sand, feel the love of a rly loyal pet. (My dog just turned 1 and he’s the softest lil sweetie pie and I even got allergy shots so I could pet him more).
Anyways, I’m sending you all the love. I hope you know you deserve it.
Man, thank you for this. I appreciate you reaching out. I'm just sick and tired of my present situation. It's like I am a legal woman in the United States who is born into a caste of pure vile abusive discrimination by everyone. Yeah, I've seen how it "gets better" but here is the real hell. Im legally as intelligent as good will hunting, I figured out calculus from my own formula even though I barely went to high school (all d/c student). And now I'm 28, I've been waiting so many fucking years to get a career started, but these opportunities I have are actual forms of discrimination which means I have no power to fight back. It feels truthfully like ethnic cleansing to be 28 year old woman, living homeless for years, but a literal fucking genius, who just is too fucking homeless to survive anymore.
But I don't know, if you're a housewife in the 1950s, you only get one husband or else the whole town knows youre, God forbid, divorced. And I am feeling hostially removed from my special interests, it only gets better with money. I don't want friends or people or stuff, I just want my damned human rights back.
I'm literally too autistic to be homeless, IT DOESNT FIT FOR ME, LET SOME OTHER LOSER BE HOMELESS, DON'T STARVE SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO WORK.
Yeah I'm sorry my friend for ranting a little, I need to get this off my chest so badly. So so so badly.
100%, I have been cleansed by homelessness.
But yeah, it gets better? This is an evil I have sought out to defeat personally. Homelessness. I am literally getting a degree in astrophysics so I can out my tiny little brain to work and fucking solve that God damned homeless problem. 'its impossible" you never had someone use astrophysics to solve the problem. You only used economics and capitalist morals of "oh but they don't want to work!" Nah, nobody has the rights to work. You work if you want something, but if it's just a fucking box with consent to park it here THEN FINE!
It's one of those evils that nobody really fucking wants to help out. We all say we do, but we don't. It's never because we don't have the resources. But it's fear itself. Imagine being stable enough that you're always 2 paychecks away from being homeless (that is someone who works at Starbucks, goes to college, and lives with roommates). This person does not understand that subconsciously when they walk past a homeless person on the street, they want to specifically this: NOT help this stranger, because why?
WHY????? it's such a scary fucking thought about if it happened to you. I'm dead fucking serious.
You don't have to do anything about this from your own wallet. But next time you see a homeless person, observe your own subconscious fear of how this specific "reputation" of homelessness on "your face in the mirror" would look. Like imagine how awful that is for you. Ok, yeah, you imagined. That fucking sucks. No, you don't get it. If you're not scared of homelessness, you should be. Its about your personal reputation on the streets. You know that's your face people are socialising with, calling you homeless. NOW YOURE A FILTHY DIRTY OLD MAN BUM. CONGRATS.
I really wish people housed would understand how I hate sitting on the streets and you people get to step on me all the time. How about you people get the fuck off my God damn sidewalks AND STAY INSIDE NOW.
But yeah, back to my point, if you're not homeless, you're not scared. ;)
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