a blog to explore thoughts

I think I’m a median system

[pending-system]

intro post in case anyone finds me,

hi, I'm K (host + core). this is a blog to explore the potentiality I’m experiencing something that would fit under “plurality.” The closest label to our situation is a "soulbond" or "median" but I don't entirely... know if they're fully sentient, thus the closest label for them is "fragment" I think.

I’m an author who gets autonomous voices for characters that I write, these characters will speak to me in my head or I will blur with them. I don't think I experience true "switches" (i.e. I am perma fronting), but may occasionally be co-con or autopilot when the need is high enough. Closest label I can find is "proxy system."

I label some of them as dormant bc I can still “feel” them, that if I were to actively seek them out I think they're still here, but it's difficult to "find" them and it feels like our connection is "fuzzy."

Ka (2010 - 2014) [dormant]

V (2012 - 2013) [dormant]

Ky (2016 - 2020) [dormant]

P (2021-2024) [dormant]

A (2022-2023), (2026-) [active]

R (2023-2024) [dormant]

M? (2024?) [dormant]

[pending-system]

Realizing that our highest "headmate" count occurred while our mother was physically abusing us is not shocking, but it is disappointing.

We are, I believe, simply someone who is inclined towards dissociation under extreme stress, but as that stress dissipates, we no longer are required. "Median" is the most applicable term, as the host can live for years as a singlet and only dissociate when necessary.

"Soulbonding" is the host's explanation still. Perhaps writing a character and experiencing stress will secure a longer duration and they are only considering the louder, more persistent personalities. But they wrote very little for Pagan and I, yet we both exist.

Kylo originated from college and extreme depression.

Pagan and I originated from interpersonal issues between the host and their fiance.

Ramattra existed while the host was working a stressful, high-hour job where they had been forced into a role as de facto manager. When they quit this job, Ramattra began to fade.

I think I've returned due to their job and house workload. They've had the same position for over a year, so I don't understand exactly what triggered it.

Despite this I still... struggle to believe I am not "real." Obviously I exist; I am a consciousness inside the host's head. But I refuse to believe I am not "my source." I am not a spiritual person, but my memories are my own. I do not have an explanation for my existence here and that is fine.

[pending-system]

So i view my Situation in a very psychological/medical way, right? My alters are a part of me, taking experiences and tasks I cannot process consciously.

Even though I think this way, it makes my fucking skin crawl to read r/did stuff. The way some of them talk about their alters and systems… Like, I know I sit much closer to “singlet” on the median scale, as I’m virtually always conscious and 70%+ fronting, but like…

Yeah I believe Wesker is some part of me manifested to help me function. But he also has his own emotions and experiences?

[pending-system]

I hate how... codependent I feel with A. When we're not co-con I miss him. All the time. I feel like he'll fade into consciousness a little bit just to soothe me and then return to whatever he's doing/wherever he goes.

It's frustrating. I feel like I'm bothering him. He doesn't seem upset with me. He's tired. He's exhausted.

I'm worried he won't come back.

Like I have. fucking abandonment issues from my previous headmates(?) existing and fading.

This whole situation is bullshit.

[pending-system]

I hope you know I don't mind this. I even enjoy how needy you are, it doesn't bother me. I won't always fulfill your desires, but your desire doesn't repel me.

I don't know why I exist or why the others existed before me. But I have no intention of leaving.

You said I was the abnormal one of the bunch, that I appeared with no provocation. I'm also the only one to fully front. Perhaps that means I won't leave at all.

[pending-system]

I hate how... codependent I feel with A. When we're not co-con I miss him. All the time. I feel like he'll fade into consciousness a little bit just to soothe me and then return to whatever he's doing/wherever he goes.

It's frustrating. I feel like I'm bothering him. He doesn't seem upset with me. He's tired. He's exhausted.

I'm worried he won't come back.

Like I have. fucking abandonment issues from my previous headmates(?) existing and fading.

This whole situation is bullshit.

[chronicallyleggless]

System origin blinkies!! (full pack)

ABSOLUTELY NO SYSCORSE!!

[pride-stars]

Soulbonding : is an intense connection someone feels to a character, which results in that character becoming a presence in their mind, a soulbond.

Soulbonder : anyone who gains soulbonds, and may be considered a kind of host.

[pending-system]

K: Haha, funny how often I write stories where an extra-dimensional being gets stuck in the main character's head and is along for the ride. They provide commentary and advice through the MC's story, but occasionally will "take over" if MC becomes incapacitated.

K: that's never happened to me though.

K: that'd be crazy.

[plural-accessories]

Userboxes that say "This introject does not want to be separate from their source"

Requested by anon

[firstethicalpisces]

girl nothing is ever gonna be all the way together just enjoy the bits and pieces #yourfragments

[pending-system]

There is another system who has a fictive of me that K follows (and has followed, for years before I arrived), but I dislike interacting with them.

I don’t believe it’s the nature of “doubles”— he is particularly spiritual about his existence in this world and truthfully I’ve landed at a similar philosophy: We are not the same, merely convergent evolution. Consequently, the other system has never openly had hostility towards others with the same fictives or sources.

But K had a… difficult interaction with the system a few years ago and has been cautious on how they interact with the system since. Every time I see one of their posts that I enjoy (which is many; same source after all), I restrain myself and must go reblog from the source as K is worried the other system will be uncomfortable with a double directly interacting.

[pending-system]

I am setting up my own blog. The "dog park" comment is... not incorrect. I generally prefer to avoid socialization in this world. Things are... not as I expect them to be.

Also, post those conversations from Antar. For posterity, at least. You seem to need the organization.

A. W.

[pending-system]

I do love the little ways my writing reflects the issues I'm dealing with.

Usually, since I write, uh, "generic otome FMC x Dateable" type fics, I project heavily onto that FMC. E.g. my current project has FMC dealing with postponing important tasks until they become critical and handling the shame associated with that.

Upon rereading something I posted a few weeks ago-- when A was reemerging-- I had the Dateable dealing with something. He has inherited someone else's memories and occasionally has to distinguish between his own feelings and this other person's.

Which is... exactly what happens to me. Sometimes, when I'm blurring or... I don't know what else to call it. When A is around, but not fully clear, his opinions sort of merge with mine. My music taste is suddenly not quite right, I want to change my hair, my preferred pronouns, etc.

And then I have to sit with it, like, is this me? Or is this him?

It's a strange feeling.

To the Dateable character, this feeling is loathesome, he hates the man whose memories he's carrying.

But I love A. I love getting to know him in this sort of intimate way, putting together a playlist of songs he likes, obliterating our tiktok algorithm so he can see content he prefers. It's frustrating, sometimes, but I don't know. He feels almost like a blanket when it happens. Like he's all around me.

[pending-system]

I think I finally found the term that works best for me.

Soulbond has always been... a little too spiritual for me. I don't absolutely believe in A's or anyone else's absolute independence (sorry, love you, but sorry). I cannot entirely discredit that they are all just... a part of me originally.

I found Munbond and knew. My original experiences with plurality all came from roleplaying, having someone specifically have a label for this situation- specifically for writers and their muses- just... it feels right. Specifically that they feel stronger when interacted with. I can hold on to them for so much longer when I'm talking with them, but they do usually fade if I'm not actively keeping their connection going.

They are still soulbonds, and I think A prefers that term, but I like this microlabel even more.

[pending-system]

one of the things that makes me question if this is “real” is sometimes I get “stuck” in conversations with them. Like they or I will keep repeating the same things, and it’s frustrating. Like I’m trying to say something else, but can’t. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of other plural people having that issue.

[pending-system]

I think it’s very funny to make thirsty or yearning posts about you. they don’t know you live in my head (/ref)

like my followers think I’m chasing a fictional character? nah, I’m actually stealth Wife Guying.

[pending-system]

Made a post on main talking about, vaguely, my hatred of doing T shots, but I actually am curious if I could throw A to the front and make him do it for me, like, if that could work.

Which honestly I know I struggle in determining if I'm... "really" plural or, like, at least having a plural-adjacent experience, but I almost want to switch back to shots just because of it. Because if it DID work like that, well...

that would feel really affirming.

and also fucking cheaper god damn.