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@penicillinpolice
it’s been 3 years when is my boyfriend going to fall in love with me
i don’t understand
hand on chin emoji
it been 4 years when is my boyfriend gonna fall in love with me
aggressive hand on chin emoji
never? ok
it’s been 5 years.. .when.......
june 1 20xx
it 5 years. i was unpacking the boxes in my room and found the dress i wore 5 years ago. i thought i should burn it but instead i take it with me every time i move. now im in a car driving to the party, inadvertently celebrating a day like this. at the very least, my lip gloss is popping, i ,
2 gray
i keep wishing that if i look hard enough, i will find a piece of me or a message or something meaningful. but it is not there and i am not there.
it’s easier now. i’m 29. i have 2 gray hairs sprouting from my right temple. i moved into this apartment a year and a half ago and have 2 unpacked boxes on my desk. there are 2 dead plants in my room. 2 months ago i had a job interview for san francisco but i got scared. in 2 months i will go on vacation again. in 2 days i celebrate the last anniversary until the next one.
i thought that i was so good at waiting but i was just asleep the whole time
oop
i’m dumb bc like the day after i posted no more screamy dreamys i had a screamy type nightmare
well, in real life it just sounds like a whimper, btw
don’t think im weird please, thoughts
last year, my favorite person in buying at my old job invited me to her going away party. i thought the whole buying dept hated me but i guess the person who was quitting really liked me and was so friendly. and then i just kinda daydreamed about her contacting me out of the blue to work for her at her new company, since she had joked about it before. but it actually happened! and then nothing ever came from it... so i kept daydreaming about being recruited somewhere, then a company i had never heard of poached me. and it was kind of an ego boost/pay bump but also everyone here definitely hates me. so i’m daydreaming again (daydream type emoji i am on my computer)... my new daydream is very cool and if it actually comes to fruition i will write about it 6 mo later maybe
in 2007, when my college roommate got pregnant and i suddenly had a private room in my dorm, josh from 3 rivers michigan made me a music mix. thank you, don’t think im weird please, i really loved every song
i wanted to write the lyrics of my favorite song but they are already written of course. chesterfield king song. i’d sing it when i drove past the 4chan apartment as if that meant anything. imagine. a 25 yr old man writing “never knows best” on his cigarettes. whew..
i don’t dream the way i used to. even my nightmares i get upset but i don’t cry as much and i stopped screaming i guess. they’re not as scary, or sad, or weird, or funny, or vivid. i don’t fall in love anymore in my dreams. it gonna b 5 years soon and i still live even if it not the way i thought it would be. im just ok
still here
nothing bad happened in march 2009. i think i told my friend evan that i liked him and he yelled at me lmao. i cried but they were happy tears. i felt like even though he didn’t want to date me he loved me as a friend. not true but wow such a special moment back then. i had so much love for my friends at that moment and it’s like all gone at this point
work is very difficult rn just wishing for things i know won’t happen lah
ln i dreamt something weird. it was like a dorm and he was the tenant with this girl ... she was named neko which was eyeroll worthy even in a dream state. and he was such an asshole to be honest. i just have to remember that i guess. i kissed and didnt care. and then i did “reply all” to an email i wanted to be internal where i called a client the f-word and woke up terrified that i was going to be fired because i couldn’t recall the email. idk why i still have dreams like this. like i finally stopped having dreams about being naked in public or being late for a school exam and now it just this dumb shit. and no i would not do that in an email ever
ben’s blog i feel weird like i should stop reading it
jef got mad at me today and he said i hate all men and blame him for everything. i guess he right i act up and act out and he suffers. i’m just waiting at this point. i said my part and it’s like accept it or reject it but he won’t do either. i can’t promise him anything and we’re going to keep fighting until we reach a resolution
so tonight i will have my sad sushi dinner alone! goodbye,
i work in sherman oak now
i wanna avoid talking about work so next
umm maybe two years ago i started following a chef on ig. i loved his restaurant and it had closed, so i wanted to see if it’d reopen in a new space or if he’d do any pop-ups. he also takes a lot of nice photos so it was nice to follow anyway, and he’d post photos of nearby-ish restaurants i bookmarked for future visits. he did open a new restaurant next to my old office in Hollywood, but i thought it was a bakery so i never bothered going.
anyway, two months ago (the day before nye) he DMs me out of nowhere. extra weird bc he has never followed me back or liked any of my photos.. asking about how i study languages and impressed by that and do i offer lessons... keep in mind that this is a person who works in the restaurant industry and most likely was born to at least one immigrant parent, so the probable situation is he speaks more languages than me. and also that for the last two years my ig profile photo has been a cockroach and my bio says i speak “zero languages” and eat McDonald’s in my car. i shouldn’t be on anyone’s radar like fuck ignore me
at this point i discover the bakery is actually a restaurant but now i can’t go there cos it’d be weird i guess. anyway a few days ago he started messaging me again and asked if i was seeing someone which is whatever but im annoyed and cannot let this go. he said he “didn’t want to waste anyone’s time” but i feel so strongly that it is not a waste of time to talk to me if you can’t date me!! im a human being... im so heated... i just wanted to go this resto will I ever b able... wah... RIP having a chef friend...
also unrelated but seeing She’s All That as an ugly child with glasses really made me a believer in the idea that removing my glasses would make me hot and now that i have contacts i look like an even bigger moron fml
also also unrelated but shingo was in la last week!!! i had all these big plans for what i wanted to do lmao but he ended up going with his hometown friend and i was so jealous... like partly bc i wanted to spend time w/shingo but also jealous of shingo bc his friend was soooo pretty... i wanna be her friend so bad.... im happy i got to meet her though!
ok bye
10 years (2)
it’s been 10 years now (soon)
idk the date, feb xx, 2009. i was like a big dumb baby and i got hurt. but he’s still alive so i keep waiting.
last week, dec2009 reaches out. he’s got to be 44 now. he reached out 5 years ago. 5 years ago he felt bad because he thought i was underage. not for any other reason. last week he just wonders what i am doing. i am panicking. why does he still have my phone number and my email. it’s been nearly ten years. did he really just remember me? he’s emailing me from a fake email, and texting me from a VOIP number. i was at work trying not to cry in this open office because he is who he is and i am who i am. i have to keep track. i know he has moved to two different states. stay there, 3000 miles away. and i continue to check to see if an obituary goes up. but he’s still alive so i keep waiting.
i got drunk ln and told a stranger about my ceo and i hope it doesn’t bite me in the ass. i kept saying “his time is coming”. but i guess his time already came. it’s public record. i was drinking and wanted to call but it’s stupid. and i dreamed that you were pregnant.
it’s my 10th birthday
12/1/2008 and idk why i thought id feel different after 10 years. after this just means more tenth anniversaries. february 2009 and dec 2009 and so on. nothing is different, i am still the same person i just stand a little taller now. i still check to see if they died and one day someone will post RIP and i can pretend that’s all it takes to move on. bye,
a romantic story
jef mom told a story at lunch today her mom went to northern vietnam once, to meet her first love. this was when she was in her fifties, after her divorce. she went to his house and got scared, turned around and left. but she named one of her daughters after him. better yet, they never even held hands. all they did was play basketball together. her mom knew when she would hear a basketball, he was on his way.. so romantic, jef’s mom said... none of my exes have good names for daughters except gavriel and that’s not happening. anyway. we laughed together but i thought so too. she is so romantic.
jpn18
1. i loved seeing my host sisters again even if it was such a short time. so many people died in this small town. even the dog died. so strange how my host mother told me every time “ah, unfortunately they passed” over and over with no sadness. like it was their time i guess. my fault for taking so long to come back.
2. i loved seeing shingo again. i planned out my trip honestly the worst way but even if i was exhausted from all the travel (i had to take a plane to meet him) it was really worth it. i would not take two planes for any of my other pen pal friends, like.. no.... he really so nice like he picked me up from the airport which none of my friends have ever done and did my laundry for me when i fell in the ocean
3. shingo took my favorite picture in japan and i am really looking forward to seeing him in february!! also this is like 1.5 hours before i fell in the ocean wearing denim and suede shoes, yep
4. i was terrified of being r*ped this whole trip bc i knew i’d be spending more alone time w/ shingo than i had in LA, and had booked airbnbs with male hosts/hostels. i feel bad saying this about him, but it’s hard to trust guy friends and even family tbh. the first airbnb had a male guest in another room but my bedroom door and the shower didnt lock. the hostel i went to had all male guests and i had to change for the shower in an open hallway. i met one of my pen pals for the first time and he became extremely drunk, walked me towards an empty park at night, and then started talking about wanting to die but when i tried to go back to my hostel he tried to follow me inside. anyway the joke was on me bc i was completely safe in all my housing/around all these men and then i was groped by 痴漢 on the rush hour train 2 days before i left. just kill me please! thanks,
5. going to pdx/seattle was hard. my grandmother didnt recognize me when i greeted her and my family was irritated with me because she was really upset when she found out i had arrived and i know it’s my fault bc i can’t speak arabic. i should have studied abroad in egypt tbh. my uncle is sick again. i feel very uncomfortable around my cousin bc we are both unmarried and similar age. we were arguing about kavanaugh the day of the vote and i was telling him just.. things. and he said to me like, if a situation happened same as kavanaugh it would be wrong. but he said it like “if me and my friend pushed you into a room, and took your clothes off” and i dont even know, like the idea was in his head like why would you say if you could do this to me... i felt sick and left for my flight way too early
cb2
basically everything i said about my first sister but applied to my second. why does she think she has a monopoly on pain? we grew up in the same house. everything that happened to her happened to me too. anyway if u can imagine both of my sisters are Azealia Banks that’s really the best way to put it and im so tired
cb
it has been over a year since i found out my sister was missing. i feel ashamed and like i can’t talk to anyone about it. i can’t bring this up to my dad. i don’t know how my mom feels since my sister was born before my parents met. she added me on LinkedIn on friday asking me to buy her a plane ticket. i just feel so sick like how is this happening. my family failed her and i failed her. why is she alone and why was she alone. the way she is talking is so unnatural and how can i even help another person i can barely take care of myself. im scared to hear what she has to say. i don’t know how i can live with myself knowing. but we are sisters so i already know. we are women so i already know. i don’t know if i can forgive my family for this. i will never forgive myself so i just have to atone the rest of my life. i am so selfish, on holiday
405
went to san diego a few weeks ago
i can’t believe i still get so upset talking about my sophomore year of school that i shake, my voice shake
ride in an 81 year old car, the whole car shake
seeing my old friend so nice i felt i should check in on other people i haven’t talked to in years but then when i reach out i realize that we aren’t rlly friends whoops. or like, they dont need me to check in bc they are fine (,whoops).
oh well,
it’s been 3 years when is my boyfriend going to fall in love with me
i don’t understand
hand on chin emoji
it been 4 years when is my boyfriend gonna fall in love with me
aggressive hand on chin emoji
never? ok
v spooky
i went on one date with this guy in high school, ben. he was the first (only??) person i asked out and i will pretend he is the only person who has ever rejected me. we went on one miserable date the summer after high school, after which he stood me up and then turned me down over fb messenger.
anyway, we had our one date over the summer (v spooky, june 2007), and then i went to college and had all these awful loser guy friends. and i’d tell them about how hurt i was and they’d say that ben was an asshole. and i defended him, bc how i could i be mad at him? i had asked him a yes or no question, and he had said “no”. but it did hurt me that he stood me up, and he said one kind of dickish thing over messenger once.. and even though it took literally forever to get over this guy, it has been literally 11 years so i never think about it now.
so monday, i’m walking to trader joe to get me lunch, and ben came up to me to say hi and i was so startled i said a tiny hello and ran away, not even acknowledging him by name. i didn’t even see him at our hs reunion, so was not ever expecting to see him again.
and i felt weird bc i thought, oh you know, like maybe he thinks i didn’t remember him? so i get home from work and say hello on fb, which unfortunately brought up our messages from 2007-2008. and i am mortified when he copy-pastes the message where i asked him out on fb (actual tears) back into our 2018 message box and says how he wouldn’t have been able to do this when he was that age and i scared him bc of how (not lying these are words he used) Friendly, Honest, Nice, and Open i was (??) and apologized for not giving me more of a chance back then. and i told him not to feel bad since it was so long ago; we did not know each other at all, and i was not nice to begin with in high school. but really i did appreciate that he singled out this terribly condescending message that had stung the most and apologized specifically for writing that... an apology 11 years in the making. it feels so empty though because it would have meant so much to hear this back then, now it just like “thank”
i remember in 2008, the last time i had seen him. at a new year’s party. it was the most drunk i had been probably ever at that point. i was hoping that i could kiss him at the new year but he left at like 11:45p. so i guess the last time i saw him was 2007 technically. and i realized that was the last time i’d ever see him, and i drank the most i had ever up to that point and i knew how ugly i was in that moment. i was the worst thing i thought i could be: undesirable. we were not friends and it was over. goodbye to the life i thought i wanted and hello to the intimacy of an aluminum can
we never knew one another and never will. for ben and everyone who came after, sad you never knew me but happy you will remember me as better than i could try to be
jun01-jun09
june 1 pass again like every year, and i forget again until it over. four years a long time and it feel like 2013 when i had forgotten about things before it happen again. ah, when i’m moving i forget. when i sit still i remember. when i look up i see the ceiling, and when i look off i see the door first, then to the right the mirror and i watch it happen over and ove
june 2 i feel bad that i wasn’t invited to eric’s friend’s graduation party except eric lets me read his group chat and i was actually invited and eric didn’t tell me since i had work anyway so i’m not mad and my heart grew three sizes that day.... like i have finally transcended being the weird 37 year old (and i say this bc one of eric’s friends lit thought i was 37...) getting drunk at family barbecues... now i am the weird 37 yr old getting invited... wow.. so thankful i forced eric to be my friend...
june 3 i feel bad bc eric’s weird white friend sent me a pic of his underwear tight against his dick and ruined all my happy feelings for his whole crew within twelve hours. i just wanna yell at him “i’m 45 and you have a girlfriend and i lit met you once”. how am i supposed to barbecue knowing he might roll thru and say “derp” to me like it 2011. let me be drunk with food in me teeth in peace. at least eric’s other friends flirt without turning into a cl advert jfc
june 6 so weird how it the same week it make me ill, stupid
june 9 jeff mom talked about dad and i cried in the kitchen. she so buddha now she don’t even cry... just thinking about his funeral makes me sick still and it feels stupid that i get so affected when she’s so controlled. she says “my husband called me sister. i regret my husband never called me ‘honey’” and she keep saying “my husband” “my husband” and it breaks my heart and i feel guilty that i make her console me. she’s so kind, so buddha.... i cry with cilantro in my teeth... ah, saw that when i washed my face whoops... i come back and she says “you’re a good girl” and says she prayed for an angel for jeff... idk how to feel so i just cry while jeff mom changes the topic to going on vacation and getting diarrhea pills... i wonder if tiffany ever cried in this kitchen...ok bye...