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I just got off the phone with one of Kevin’s school psychologist. They did a whole bunch of testing and it turns out he is low IQ. I was really hoping that Kevin would turn out to be OK at this point in high school. I know his brother probably suffers from the same thing considering Kevin actually gets much better grades. I’m so depressed. I’m thinking maybe I never should’ve had children. I never should’ve subjected someone that I love to the type of brain power that I was cursed with. My siblings children are in gifted programs, play instruments, etc. sometimes it’s really hard to deal with because I love my son’s more than anything and I want them to succeed so badly. I want them to do so much better than I. Both of my kids talk to themselves the way, I talk to myself. I can hear Kevin shouting and crying from his bedroom over something sometimes that has to do with his grandfather sometimes that has to do with appear at school, but he rarely wants to talk about it. I wish I weren’t such an unemployed lazy fuck actually get off my ass and get my kids to join karate and play an instrument do something to improve their brains.

and this blows up in my face in 5,4,3,2…

my entire adult life i have always been afraid to say anything when I’m uncomfortable with anything in a romantic relationship because it almost *always* blows up in my face. my entire marriage was like that. If i ever said i was uncomfortable with anything, my ex would get super angry and defensive, then start pointing out all the random things i’ve done to piss HER off, effectively changing the subject by putting me on the defensive. But to be fair, i would get really defensive too whenever she criticized me so i guess i was a little toxic too. The difference was i would point out how she did the same thing to me while she would just pick random things that had nothing to do with the subject at hand.

Do women *really* want a man in touch with his feelings or does that just mean always being fine with everything but getting emotional when they want you to? oyyyyy my insecurities will never end. Now i’m anxious to see how this will play out. My anxiety won’t allow me to say nothing though. The driving need for an answer always wins out.

dream 1/9/2026

I was driving on some kind of obstacle course. The boys were with me and so was Kristan. It felt more like a video game, but we totally were in my Nissan rogue. Somehow we ended up in a parking lot. There was snow covering all the cars. We got to my second car, which apparently I had forgotten I even had. It was an older model. It may have been a Baja, but it looked different. Kristan and I got into the second car and Kevin drove the rogue. We drove back to my apartment and met up in this house that did not belong to me, but a bunch of my friends were meeting up for my birthday. I remember Randy Weisz being there and me pretending to be happy to see him. My father and siblings were there too. John Karnish also showed up with some middle-aged Latino woman who worked for him. Johnny was being extremely verbally abusive. Just berating her nonstop. I told him that he cannot talk to her that way in my home and if he doesn’t stop, he’s gonna have to leave. He looked at me and then said“bye“ and angrily told her to get in the car and they left. I remember Kristan and I kissed at one point and she looked me right in the eyes and mouth “I love you” I smiled as said “I love you too“ but a second later she was gone. And I knew that she left because she was spending that New Year’s Eve with her boyfriend. (yes now it was also New Year’s Eve and my birthday, which I have no idea how that’s possible.) all I remember now is most of the friends and family left and there was a pile of wrapped presents along with a lot of scattered children’s toys. I remember trying to gather them so I can open them up in my apartment then I woke up.

I’m waiting for Kristan to get off the phone so we can talk. I have absolutely no idea what she’s gonna say but I’m starting to realize a few things. I clearly don’t know her as well as I thought I did. She has a lot less self-respect than I was led to believe. I knew that she avoids subjects to make her uncomfortable for a long time, but I went from putting a relationship on a pedestal… Like it was this perfect situation that I threw away to kind of pitying her. I just have the feeling she’s gonna give me the runaround. She’s not gonna say no but she’s also not gonna say you’re right I’m gonna break it off with him and let’s get back together because this is what I really want. And hey, maybe she doesn’t want me anymore. Maybe she really does prefer to be in this kind of relationship whether she wants to admit it or not.

i dunno…while I *did* look it up and see he is correct, i can’t help but think maybe he overreacted a tad

dream 6/20/25

I was going back to college, but Kevin was coming with me. For some reason we ended up in the same apartment building and had so many roommates, but we didn’t even really live in an apartment. It was like one gigantic building and for some reason my bed was right next to a shared bathroom. I remember going into some shower which was not a part of the of the building. There were so much toilet paper in my bum hole that no matter how much I was washing I just couldn’t get it all out and eventually I remember walking out. It was a clogged and I actually saw pieces of toilet paper with feces on it as I was exiting. I was looking through my book bag and I couldn’t tell what classes I took where they were located and what day they were on. I sat down and I noticed that Kristan was there. She tried talking to me, but I stood up and walked away without saying a word. I kept wanting to call her and tell her why, but instead, Kevin and I went back to the building and I was by far the oldest one there of course. We were outside and I finally asked what college is this? One of the young women was surprised I didn’t know and told me it was going to be known by some other name but right now it didn’t really have a name and it was unaccredited. I immediately said to Kevin that we’re leaving, but we first went to this big auditorium where Darrell from the office was having a movie and for some reason, I knew him I don’t really remember much of the movie except he had like this laser gun, though he was able to shoot characters in the movie and eventually Margot Kidder was on screen, and she was told that she had to be brought back to her home, but in the worst car imaginable and it was this weird psychedelic trunk that she was in and while Darrell was zapping the car and then suddenly he just stood up and said “I’m done now” and then the movie suddenly stopped, and he and his young son just got up and left. I then called Kristan and I tried to tell her the reason I was so rude was because I was still jealous of her relationship. I could barely hear and I could tell she wasn’t actually hearing what I was saying she was just responding with things that had nothing to do with what I was talking about

last night, Kristan told me all about how she went to see a show and it was such a great experience. I immediately put together her BF took her to this fantastic, memorable and romantic show as a birthday present and i immediately had an adrenaline rush of despair. i pretty much cut off the conversation after she said she needed to go to bed. i spent the next 4 hours tossing and turning and feeling pathetic. She’s never going to leave him…ever. Even though i knew that already it triggered my anxiety now that i have given up trying to date other than on facebook dating. I sincerely thought i had accepted it but clearly not. I don’t know what to do. Do i just ignore it and pretend im still ok with just “being friends” and carry on with stupid cute dog videos and making witty remarks to them? Or do i ghost her? i dunno, i really don’t want to, but i also don’t want to admit i can’t handle hearing about her life and how happy she is with this James guy. FML

regular sized rudy is my sprit animal

sometimes I wish I had a female friend who I could ask to have a plutonic cuddle with when I have super low blood sugar, and I need to lay down and mellow out. Or just in general.

it’s almost Christmas 2024. I had two video chats with Kristan this week both lasting over two hours. The last one was on Thursday night. She was drinking again. I was pretty disappointed to see that especially considering I found out via our first video chat of the week that she actually went to a 40 day rehab when she decided to quit. I asked her why she didn’t tell me this and she said that I was literally the last person she wanted to know that she actually had to go to rehab in order to stop drinking. To me that seemed a little odd considering she knows I don’t judge and am actuality proud of her for taking the bull by the horns to over come her addiction. At one point during the first conversation I asked her what was the real reason that she wouldn’t take me back after she said she wanted me back a year ago. That’s when she told me about the rehab. she also asked me how I’m doing mentally now that dad move into an assisted living facility up in Massachusetts and me being me. I just laid it on her. About how ghosting her for six months was really hard for me to do, and I asked her if she even noticed that I ghosted her. She got a little indignant and said of course she noticed…how could she *not* have noticed? I responded that all of her attempts to start communicating again during that time were always bullshit small talk so it looked to me like she didn’t really know why I was doing it. She then changed the subject and talked about how much she hates her work and blah blah blah blah blah but this time I brought it back, with the painfully obvious line of “is there anything else you wanna add to why I ghosted you for six months?“ No, we weren’t video chatting yet, but I could just tell that she was rolling her eyes with this response, which was along the lines of “I have been absolutely miserable since we broken up. my life has been crap without you. Is that what you wanted to hear?” I was a little annoyed by this and immediately shot back with “of course that’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to know why you ignored all of my attempts to get back together. I wanted you to hear me, see me to understand why I’m upset.” I never wanted her to be miserable.

anyway, fast forward to the conversation a few nights ago again. She finally admits to me that she is in a relationship and has been in a relationship with with another man for quite some time. So, that would explain why she suddenly balked at the belated birthday date. I’m not sure why she accepted it in the first place considering she knew I was absolutely going to follow up with that. But the thing that bothers me the most about this is the fact that once again, she told me in her initial rejection after I broke up with Karen that she wanted to be perfect for me. And yes, I knew that was bullshit all along, but it still stung a little bit to hear that she got into a relationship with at least a second man when she knew that I wanted her back. She admitted this to me ( of course) while drunk. She told me that this man is emotionally not available as she’s getting really tired of it. I asked her how long they’ve been seeing each other and she just said “oh God I don’t even know” so I guess you could say it’s been a long time. our conversation never really got sexual, but when we looked into each other’s eyes that spark is definitely still there she told me that I’m her soulmate. I told her that she’s essentially the love of my life. I don’t think she believed me because she felt like how is that possible considering I was married with two children. But the truth of the matter is, I can’t consider the boys’ mother the love of my life, after all the shit that went down during our divorce, and all the shit that I found out after our divorce that she never really loved me the way I thought. And that’s another reason why it hurts so much that I was constantly showing vulnerability to Kristan only to have my hopes dashed yet again. And yes, if I had women beating down my door, I probably would’ve forgotten all about her a long time ago. But since that is absolutely never gonna happen, here we are. I mean, I went back on Tinder over four months ago and I haven’t even gotten a single like. Like, not a single woman or even a scammer has swiped right on my profile. Can’t help but feel a little rejected. We ended the conversation by saying I love you to each other, but I don’t know how sincere she is really. And now that I know that she has a boyfriend I have no idea what to think. I just assume now that she’s with him during all her free time soooooo… oy. when she told me that she was getting really tired of him being emotional unavailable, I immediately said “hey dump them then we can get back together”. I kind of regret saying that now even though she knows considering I completely have the worst poker face…I really shouldn’t just go all out and just say it. But it would be pretty offbrand for me to not be totally humiliated all the time so I guess you can say at least I’m consistent?

Bridget broke her foot at the Grateful Dead resort in Costa Rica. She definitely has some pretty fragile health at times. It’s funny because she thinks that I’m the one who gets sick all the time which I definitely do get sick more often than I used to, but when she gets sick or injured it’s like a freaking emergency. At least she has her boyfriend, Jeff, who is actually a pretty cool guy. He’s like 17 years older than her, but he definitely is a good man and that’s all that really care about. Plus since he’s retired and a dead head, he takes her to all the coolest shit. Dead and company is having another residency at the sphere from March till May 2025 and there is basically no chance that she isn’t going with him for at least a week probably more. Man, so wish I could go again. The truth of the matter is, I could afford to do it again, but I would feel really guilty. I haven’t worked in over a year and I shouldn’t be blowing the amount of money it would cost for me to go back to Vegas to see dead company again in less than a year. I need to hold on to my money for emergencies and to be able to afford to keep living in this house and keep food on the table for the boys and me. Maybe I’ll regret it one day but I sure hope not.

well, I’ve been unemployed for over a year now. I’m starting to have anxiety about it. Yeah, I do enjoy not having to work at a call center but now that my father is going to be moving to an assisted living facility up in Massachusetts in a few weeks, and my sister has power of attorney over all of his finances. I realize that I definitely need to get a job.

Johnny called me the other day and it was pretty cool talking to him. I’m sincerely happy for him. He has a job that he enjoys. He’s happily married and his wife’s daughter from her first marriage has now fully immigrated from Indonesia and is living with them full-time. One thing that was tough to talk to him about, even though he’s probably one of the few people that would understand, is how I’m having a tough time accepting that I’ll probably die alone. It’s hard for me to accept that. I’ll never be the love of anyone’s life. Like two years ago i was talking to Kristan on the phone and she said her ex-boyfriend Spiro was the true love of her life and I suddenly got pangs of jealousy. She hasn’t spoken to Spiro in like 25 years, but I realize that I’ll never be anyone’s true love. I was briefly talking to a woman last week that I met through Bumble, but I think she has ghosted me because she has now not replied to any of my texts for three straight days. Sometimes it’s just really hard. shit…i have a lump in my throat now. God damn it.

The boys have occasionally made offhand remarks about their stepfather, being somewhat abusive, both verbally and physically. Kevin told me two years ago that he hit him once and he even made it sound like he hit his mother once. I don’t really know what to do…I feel like I shouldn’t confront anybody unless there’s absolute proof but it really is a shitty situation. Their mother did tell me that he was a “hitter”. Definitely made me raise an eyebrow, but as long as he’s not hitting the boys, it’s not my business.

A few months ago, I started to get the urge to contact Kristan again. I got the usual heart beat increase, the same “not being able to get her out of my mind” thing. Me yelling at her in my head and me wanting to yell at her to get it off my chest in real life. instead i texted Bridget and she talked me down. saying “you deserve someone who thinks you’re the cat’s meow”. Ideally, yes. But when you’re as sad, lonely, shy and anxiety riddled with low confidence like i am, your standards become lower and lower. You start to tolerate humiliating bullshit because if you don’t you’re back to “i’m going to die alone” which is so damn depressing. OYYYYY

dude! So, i decided to pay a visit to Shivani up in Connecticut this month. Her telling me she wanted a plutonic cuddle was the driving force. Yes…i’m so starved for physical touch i’m even willing to drive 4 hours for a plutonic cuddle. Buuuuuuut…then she told me she wasn’t into that anymore…even though it was HER idea. Now i don’t want to fucking go. I knew i wasn’t getting laid or even getting a make out which makes this even more depressing. ugh! fuck!! i’ve been more excepting of my fate of probably being single for the rest of my life, but shit like this really hurts a lot more than it should. i’m not mad at her. she’s entitled to feel how she wants but so am I. again…UGH!!! FUCK!!!

so i’m having one shitty day. it all started when i went to Walmart in Morgantown. i was leaving and i accidentally scrapped the hell out of a random parked car when trying to exit. So, what did i do? i fled. i was feeling really bad about it but i kept thinking maybe the guy won’t notice (his front bumper was scrapped but not bent). a few hours later i get a call from the cops who totally called me out on it. Sigh. so, i fessed up and gave him my policy number. oyyy im so embarrassed. He even asked why i didn’t just go inside and tell the front desk and i said “I don’t have a good answer for you, officer”

It’s been over a month since I told Kristan to piss off. After she once again just wouldn’t respond after agreeing to a belated birthday date three times (but DID respond to things that had nothing to do with the date). I had enough, i told how shitty it is that she’s making me beg for a reply about the date she agreed to go on, how i can’t do this anymore, I allowed her to hurt me way too many times, that she’s a fucking liar, she could go ahead and find a man with a solid hard dick, because i know that’s the important thing because i no longer care. She doesn’t say anything for 2 weeks. Then, she starts liking and commenting on my stuff on facebook, sending me memes on facebook and IG like nothing happened. I miss her so much but i can’t keep putting myself through this shit. And it’s not like she does it all the time. it’s like 3 times since i THOUGHT i told her to go fuck herself. I let her hurt me because she was the only woman who seemed to really get me (when we were a couple, that is). I broke down and told bridget all about it. i was purposely not telling her because I already told Bill and bungee about the heart ache she was causing me and i didn’t want all my close friends not liking her if we DID get back together. I admitted that i allow myself to be mistreated, treated in a way that i would never want her (as in Bridget) to be treated by a boyfriend. Bridge totally hates her now…which i knew would happen of course. If she was being treated that way by some dude, i’d hate that dude too.

Anyway, the point here is Kristan sent me a random meme less than an hour ago and i almost had a panic attack driving home while ranting and raving in my head. It’s so hard. I have…as of now…essentially stopped trying to date. I feel like I was such a hard sell BEFORE i was laid off, now it’s borderline impossible. I was desperate to get Kristan back also because i want a partner. Someone who already knows me, already knows what i bring to the table, i don’t have to explain myself when im talking to myself or acting anxious and awkward. Plus, i still think she’s sexy. oooh maaaan.

On the bright side, i’m leaving next week to go to Vegas with Bridget to see Dead and Co.

Dream 4/15/2024

i was back in college. It was the combination of Ferrum and WCU. i was living in the dorms and it was the end of the semester. i realized i hadn’t attended a single class all semester and the finals were that day. i began to panic as to what my mother was going to say. i began to rage to myself that i was just going to tell her i wanted to go back to my life with my sons (not sure how this all came about) but when i saw my mom she was brain damaged, seemed to have reverted back to the mind of a small child. due to this, she had no idea what was happening. Like many of my dreams with her in it, she had spent years in hiding without really saying why. There are times when she’d come back, other times she’d disappear and not explain why or where she went.

Doesn’t take a genius to see it’s because i still am ashamed of how my life turned out and how she was right all along that i’m a screw up and would need financial support until they are both dead.

Once again getting a bad case of the lonelies. I rejoined Bumble and Tinder a few days ago. I barely touched tinder until today. I am appalled how I am already getting repeats o women I swiped right on. It kills me how much being single bothers me. Karen asked me once on one of the 2 times I was at her house “how can you be single?! You’re tall, thin, handsome and so sweet. Why do you not already have a GF?” Skip ahead a month later and ignored the 2 random texts I sent her. Kristan? I’m really trying to distance myself. I’m so sick of being humiliated by her rejections. It’s so difficult for men like me. When you start to feel the pang of desperation, you truly are ready to tolerate some bullshit just to get that romantic relationship you crave. In my experience, women seem to know this will exploit it…then dump me because I allowed it happen in the first place…leaving me feeling even worse because I tolerated disrespectful bullshit only to be dumped for tolerating it.

Oh, and I’ve been unemployed as of November 10th, my father is about to get put into an assisted living facility and the boys are starting to notice my phone addiction and asking me why i don’t have a GF. Ugh. Some things never change.

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