Thoughts of a Daydreamer

[pensandpencilforlove]

Minsan hindi na mawari

Ano bang mali?

Ano pa bang hindi malinaw?

Pagtatapos ba talaga ang aking hinihintay?

O pag-asang mabalik ang minsa’y pinaniwalaang meron.

Pagod na ako.

Pagod na akong kalimutan ka. 

Sa bawat pagpikit ika’y nakikita.

Ang bawat salita’y sayoy’ naiuugnay

Mundo’y tila nawala sa wisyo

Mundo’y hinayaang umikot sayo

At ngayon... pagod na ako.

Pagod na ako sa kakatanong kung meron ba talagang tayo?

Kung minsa’y minahal ba talaga ako?

O isa lang ako sa milyon milyong tangang umaasang “oo”

Oo o hindi?

Dalawang salita lamang pero bakit ang hirap bigkasin.

Dalawang salita pero iisa ang pipiliin.

Gusto ba talaga marinig? O hindi kayang lamunin?

Ano ba ang mali? 

Ano ba ang hindi malinaw?

Ano bang hindi matanggap?

Na minsa’y dumating ang pag-ibig ngunit aking binalewala?

Na minsa’y binigay din naman niya ang mundo pero di ko nakita.

Na minsa’y sinabi niyang mahal niya  ako pero pinili kong maging bulag at pipi

Pinili kong balewalain siya

Dahil umasa akong kung mahal ka hihintayin ka niya

Na kung totoong mahal ka niya, siya at siya

Pinili kong maniwala sa istoryang piksyon at mabulag sa realidad

Kinalimutang hindi ito istoryang pangbata na isang halik lang ay okay na

Minahal niya ako.. totoong minahal niya ako.

Ang tanong... minahal ko ba siya ng sapat?

Alin pa ba ang mali?

Alin pa ba ang hindi malinaw?

Na ang lalaking minsa’y baliw sayo’y sa piling ng iba

Na ang lalaking minsang ikaw ang mundo’y hindi na maabot.

Hindi pa rin ba malinaw?

Pagtatapos na hinahanap ay matagal ng nakita

Pag-ibig na minsa’y iyo, ikaw din ang sumayang.

Hindi siya, kundi ikaw.

Ikaw ang unang bumitaw

Tao lang din naman siya...

Ang taong labis kang minahal...

Napagod na.

[pensandpencilforlove]

1 am Thoughts

Minsan iniisip ko "bakit nga ba bawal ako magboyfriend?" It's not about my family being strict. Sure thing, walang palya yung advice nila about having a boyfriend at this age. Pero kaya naman eh. Pwede naman talaga. Ako lang yata. Ako lang mismo ang pumipigil sa sarili ko. It's me and ny stupid fear of getting hurt, of losing everything. Ano ba kasi problema sakin? Ako mismo di ko alam kung anong bacteria o virus ng kapabebehan ang dumapo sakin at ganito ako. I want to have someone to make me smile aside from God, family, and friends. I want to be loved. I want to have that butterflies in my stomach,too. Pero bakit kapag nandyan na bigla na lang akong matatakot. I want to learn to master the art of taking risks. Oo, maraming pwedeng mawala. Inisaisa ko na yan sa isip ko bago pa man nangyari to. Pwedeng bumagsak ako. Pwedeng mawala ang scholarship ko. Pwedeng magiba ang tingin nila sakin. Maraming pwedeng mangyari. At alam kong by the time na matutunan ko i-unfear yung mga fears ko I'll be more than willing to risk. Oo, weird and may sound desperate but no I'm not. I'll still wait. Kaya naman eh. Si Lord na bahala sa lovelife ko. Basta for now I know, I want to be someone else's, too.

[pensandpencilforlove]

I don't want to fall for you. I don't want because I know who you are and I know what you do. I don't want to fall for you because there's a lot of things to consider. You're not man enough in your actions. But you have a big heart and conscience. You're everything a lady couls ask for at first sight. But no, this can't be real. I ain't falling. I wil never fall for you because I know that you will never fall for me too. And I will never fall for you because I know I can misinterpret it. And I know I shouldn't be hurt anymore.

[pensandpencilforlove]

Truth

This is the last cry I’d cry

The last time I’d cry myself to sleep at night

That after drowning myself with memories of you

I’d finally take the step towards forgetting you

Again I’ll say this is the last time I’d cry

This is the last time I’d finally say goodbye

That after letting you pierce my heart with false hopes and sort

I’d finally love myself and let you go

This would be the last cry I’d cry

The last time I’d write about you and I

That after a long journey of pain and hurt

I’d finally realize that it’s not you at all.

This is the last cry I’d cry

And this would be the last lie I’d lie.

[pensandpencilforlove]

Same Ground (on Wattpad) http://w.tt/1R0Q7iT Would we be lovers or friends?

[pensandpencilforlove]

Currently writing a story. You could click on the link if you want to read. Comment and vote guys! Thankie 😊😙 https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/58798898-same-ground

[pensandpencilforlove]

I don't want to fall for you. Please, don't let me.

[pensandpencilforlove]

Just Each Other’s Almost

I’ve always thought that the world is so much impossible for us. I will only be that girl standing at the corner, never to be recognized by you. But I guess, I’ve underestimated fate, IT IS POSSIBLE.

It was a simple crush. And yeah, I’m a bit hopeful that someday you would look at me. And I know for that moment I was dreaming. But then you came. And you texted and I know it was real. 

I thought I would be happy. Finally, you’ve laid your eyes on me. I was happy. I am flattered. My feelings were something I can’t explain. But, despite all those butterflies in my stomach, there’s a confusion whispering in my head.

I cannot. The moment you asked me, I want to answer back. I want to say the words I’ve been wanting to say to a boy. But I cannot. And I know I shouldn’t. Because those words would not be as magical it is because it’s not pure. That moment I realized I wasn’t ready. I realized that even though my mind says, I can, my heart still lives in fear, and opt not to. I don’t know what works. Is it really my heart or is it my mind that says so. 

You know I wasn’t ready, and you respected it. You even said you’re willing to wait. You were the kindest and a true gentleman for that. And that hurts me so much. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to see you in pain. You don’t deserve to be hurt. How could someone hurt such a gentleman, right? And that’s the reason why I can’t say these words to you.

I cannot be. I would never be. And I am certain with that. I like you, but not the like that would reach to what they call love. No matter how much I do or how much I convince myself I like you, I love you, the magic just won’t be there. It’s just not there. And this might be telling that the stars are not for us. 

Until now, I cannot find the right words to say. I don’t even know what to do to lessen the pain. I know you already noticed that I’m trying to distance myself. You know why I give short messages now unlike before. And maybe, you have already read in between the lines. I hope you have decoded all of that and finally realized that it’s just not me. That we could never be. That we’re not meant to be that sweet couple holding each other’s hand while walking, but instead, we’re meant to do pranks and insult each other. That after trying to fool ourselves that we could be lovers, we would just laugh at all of it and realize that we really are not meant to be lovers but just friends. 

Sometimes we, people, tire ourselves trying to make a perfect love story and forget that there is much more than love. Our story might not end up as a love story, but it would always be a story I won’t forget. And I would always be thankful that you’ve been a part of who I will be. Sooner or later, you’ll find that person who deserves all your love and who will make you feel deserving for all of it. And that time, I’ll know, I did the best thing. 

[awesomenei]

To The Girl Who’s Afraid To Take The Risk

It’s never easy, I know. You just did what you felt is the right thing to do, but you end up feeling guilty of all the decisions you made. You end up feeling guilty because you think you hurt the man who has been so patient with you. You turned down the man who’s willing to give his everything to you. YOU LOST THE MAN YOU’VE BEEN DREAMING OF.

It’s hard to hold your feelings especially when you know it’s true. It’s hard to weigh two things that you know has the same importance. It’s hard to choose between things you both love. Studies. Love. It’s hard. It’s mind blowing. It’s like the most difficult thing to decide on at this age. Choosing seems like a problem which is a lot more difficult than any physics subject would give. And the pain it gives is just worse than receiving a failing mark in one of your subjects.

I know, it’s hard to turn him down. And perhaps, until now you still haven’t moved on with the decision you made. You may still blame yourself for breaking his heart. But no, you didn’t. You just made a choice.

And you chose to prioritize things.

Don’t cry. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not a bad decision, not bad at all. You just made a wise decision for letting your mind take over your emotions. You’re still young. You have a lot of time for those things when the time comes that you’re ready. If he truly loves you, he’ll understand. He’ll wait. He’ll wait for you until you’re ready. And if you truly love him, then you, too, shall wait.

Right now, what you have to do is focus on your studies. Don’t rush things. Let your mind be blown up by countless formulas, principles and theories and not by a silly heartache. The moment you take hold of that diploma, you would know you made the right decision. All the headaches that school gave you is worth it. And all the sacrifices you’ve made, all the wait— IT’S ALL WORTH IT.

[pensandpencilforlove]

To the Boy I loved Throughout High School

I was waiting for my friend when I saw the guy I loved throughout my high school. He’s standing there on the side street, waiting for the vehicles to pass by, about to cross the road. He’s only 10 steps away and I just stared at him until he had already crossed. 

I felt nothing. Then I started to remember all the things that happened to me when I was in high school. I started to remember how I used to like him, how I get those butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. I would get back to the moment when everything was sweet then suddenly became sour. How we used to text then how he broke my heart. I suddenly remember all the things I’ve been through when his girlfriend used to make me feel down and jealous. I used to remember how I studied hard just to forget the heartache. I looked back to the processes I’ve been through just to move on.

And I felt thankful to him. It took me a long while to realize that you really are meant to be part of my life. Maybe not as my guy, but as the person who’ll drive me to where I am now. 

You made me a Salutatorian. You made me choose the Medical Field. You indirectly did. And I thank you for hurting me. 

I have made myself better within that moving on process. It’s a bit hard to, especially when you’re around with your girlfriend. But Chemistry and Math just did a job well done. And distance made it easier, I guess.

Now, I can finally say, I’m totally over you. I don’t know what our future will be, but I hope you fulfill your dreams. I hope all of us fulfill our dreams. I hope to see you someday as a mighty Architect standing at the site, holding a blueprint on his hand. Whatever the future holds, I hope for the best!

[pensandpencilforlove]

For You

With that little basket you’re carrying on your side,

You’re slowly walking down the aisle

You’re smiling as if you were the bride,

But you’re just a kid, you should wait for a long while.

And time had passed by,

And you’ve changed, but not your perspective about love.

You said you’ve been waiting for a little while

And now you think you know everything about love.

Then you chose to follow your heart

You started to love that boy you’ve been seeing

You’ve been so brave about risking for love

That you’re not afraid of losing everything.

Then one day, everything turns to gray

And you fight, and you screamed

You got jealous, you got played.

Then you’ve cursed love and life for everything.

And you’ve spent days and months of crying

Thinking what could the reason be

And you remembered what your mom had told you.

“Love is patient. Let yourself grow into what it should be”

And you started crying again

Not about love, but about the decisions you’ve made

You realized how much you’ve lost

Not the cost but the goodness of life you should’ve experienced.

You’ve been trying to endure the pain.

You have regretted loving that boy you once dated

You’ve waken up from the long sleep

And now you saw the reality.

That there’s no once upon a time story in love.

Love does not need to be in hurry.

For everything will take place in His perfect time.

And you started to learn to wait.

Years have passed, and you’re about to finish college.

You smile as if you were the happiest person in the world.

You’re slowly walking down the aisle

Not to marry a man, but to graduate with your diploma in hand.

[pensandpencilforlove]

How to handle your past’s current relationship

It hurts to see the one you love happy and so in love with someone else. The pain is just too painful to bear. And what hurts the most is knowing you don’t have the right to be hurt; you don’t have the right to be mad at them, to protest about your feelings about the two of you because you two never had a real relationship. And all you could do was accept. And you’ve accepted it. But the problem is, your past’s current relationship is trying to make you feel your lost more. Here are the things that you can do:

1. Sorry, I’m over him! Perhaps you can make her feel that all she’s doing are pathetic. Assure her that you have moved on. How? That’s the thing we should figure out!

2. My time is too precious to be wasted on you.  No matter how much she try to provoke you to fight back, NEVER DO IT! If you fight back, then you’re gonna stoop down to her level. Just let her do whatever she wants to, it’s her time to waste, not yours. How could you fight back? Just don’t mind her! Good girls don’t fight back the way they were fought by, they just smile with class. Smile!

3. Study hard FOR YOURSELF. Well, I have done this when I was trying to move on. And I’m telling you, STUDYING HARD IS THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY OF MOVING ON. How? Instead of thinking of them, you’ll think of the formulas and all the algebra and chem stuffs you need to memorize. This is always a win-win situation and I bet you’re going to say the same thing as I did. Win-win, guys. You can move on and at the same time, excel in your studies and also prove the girl that their relationship is not something that concerns you. Geeky it is, but you have to continue this for yourself and not for the sake of revenge.

[pensandpencilforlove]

What Could’ve Been

What brought us together was fate. And what separated us was circumstance. if only there’s more time for us and a shorter distance, do you think it would work out? There are a lot of questions that need answers. But I know those answers can only be answered if we only have the same us again.

But no, we couldn’t. We don’t have us. We only have “what could have beens”.

What could have been?

If I went to same school you’re in, will we meet and have that fate? Will you ever notice me the same way you noticed me. Will you have the courage to say ‘hi’ personally and not just message it. If I chose that school, will I not think of what could’ve been?

If I gave you my trust fully and not just a part, will you not be mad at me? I’m sorry but my heart still hasn’t recovered, only moved on. If I gave you my trust fully, are you willing to understand me? Will you still be there for me?

If I didn’t give up on you and continue texting and chatting, will it not end? Will everything be okay? Will you still look at me the same?

If I said yes to be your girl, will you be happy? Will I not hurt? Will I not regret all those things I’ve done? Will you stay?

I’ve made a mistake of pushing you away. And I know you despise me for what I’ve done. I couldn’t turn back time and make it right. I could only think of what could’ve been if I didn’t let circumstance come into our way.

[pensandpencilforlove]

Why are there bunch of paasa guys in this world?

[pensandpencilforlove]

Why can’t you stay, my love?

I’m having a hard time thinking what went wrong. As far as I can recall, everything is going smoothly--- everything feels right. But what happened? Why do I always end up hurting? Why do I always end up being left?

I’ve always wanted to have those ‘once upon a time’ stories’. I’ve always wanted to have a sugar-coated story. I wanted to have the same, or if not, better stories just like those of the books I have read. I want to have my story. I badly want it. And so I started to hope for it.

Back in my high school years, I had a huge crush on someone. And lucky for me, after a year of pissing me off and hoping that those ‘pissing-me-off-moves’ were signs that he likes me, I had him. But not as a boyfriend, not that fast, but an admirer. I’m not a head-turner for boys of my age. Never. Though I excel in academics, I remained in the low class, if not in the average class, when it comes to beauty. It was really a rare incident when you finally have the one you’ve been hoping for to come. And it’s just a very lucky chance. But the chance I had, I let it slipped away. Why? Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of taking chances. I’m afraid of losing that one thing I excel in. I’m afraid of frustrating those people who look up to me. It breaks my heart but I need to.

A year passed and I met a boy from a common friend. But I know, it was not the time for me to have a boyfriend. I knew I couldn’t. And so I didn’t continue.

Two years passed and this time, I know I can take a chance. And just luck for me, my crush sent me a message me. And the sweet story goes on. That was just a perfect timing, isn’t it? Everything’s right. You two know exactly how you felt for each other. Both of you understands each other. You know your limitations. You both know you can’t have labels yet. You just know each other’s role in one’s life and you’re contented on what you have. That’s just how love should be right? You just have to understand and trust each other. But…

I thought I knew what love should be. But no, I don’t. I ruined the ‘once upon a time’ story I’ve been trying to write. And what sucks? I ruined it for the same reason, again. I thought I was brave. But no, I’m not. I just got more coward than I was before.

I’ve always wanted to have a sugar-coated story. I’ve always dreamed of having that ‘once upon a time’ story I could tell to people. I was busy writing a perfect story that I didn’t realize I’m starting to ruin it. And after all the heartaches and regrets, I realized what I need and got the answers to the questions in my head.

I know how much love could be painful when it gets to the hard part. But love is as magical as it always is---beautiful as ever. And I may not have that ‘once upon a time’ story I’ve been trying to write right now but someday I’ll have that ‘happy ever after’ I’ve been waiting to come. And by that time, I know I’ll be brave, I won’t let it slip away.

[pensandpencilforlove]

Unrequited Love

Three years of hoping

For you to catch me looking

Maybe you’ll have inkling

What is it about my feelings?

  I saw you walk, I saw you talk

I saw you laugh, I saw you cry

With your simple gestures I can’t help but smile

Can’t resist those sparks in my eyes.

  First year was nothing

Second year was falling

Third year is failing

Hope fourth year is realizing

  That this time I should stop dreaming

So that my heart will stop hurting

And that you’ll never be there, catching

‘Coz you were never mine from the beginning.

  All my feelings now means nothing

‘Coz I will never have you looking

It’s been three years since I got myself hoping

It’s been three years and now I’m moving.