i've been going through here lately, something i made in 2011 that still lives on here like a sad dusty corner of the interweb, holding my old stories, older inspirations, and past expressions of self...i would like to write here a few things i've been wanting to share with my tumblr.
many things about me have changed, one thing that hasn't is how difficult it is for me to change. but at the age of 27 i got so uncomfortable, i pretty much exploded...and now at 28, im feeling much more capable. that somehow, all the little things in life that have brought me away from my path was still part of my path...even if unrecognizable at times.
i read something i wrote on here earlier about feeling this underwhelming and overwhelming feeling at the same, fearing the future but doing nothing in the present. i still have that sort of feeling, although i wrote that at a time i was still in film school, driving up to my home town for weekend to work a bakery/cafe gig that also had me delivering food to random spots off route 46...it was a miserable existence. i was probably in a relationship with c at the time and i didnt even write it here. my life then was a very sad mess. i was a broke college student 40 lbs overweight and then i was just a chubby unemployed person with a degree...
it is now 6 years after that time, completely...no more working at palermos and delivering pizza to basements...no more smoking everyday with my boyfriend and watching movies (this became a religion to us, and I am quite certain i've seen a lot more films than I can even recall because of it) with his friends...my life in college, although it gave me a lot of freedom, in the last two years, i let a certain kind of laziness control me.
i still feel like a bit of laziness controls me. but thats something im working on too. in a nutshell, the years after college were filled with a lot. my way into the documentary and nonfiction post production world of new york, through the gates of Ric Burns' spot on 72nd street, now i've been chewed up and spit out onto the 10th floor at Hudson Square, working for the a media conglomerate, and while it's very nice to feel like the responsibility of multimillion dollar projects are in my hands daily, that job has just become "i work for the news". but its taught me about my love for post production. beyond love for post production its my love for the editing environment itself. a place where you can watch frame by frame, listen wave by wave even in Davinci Resolve sorta...and I'll expand more on that later. meanwhile i also have some other things in motion, namely working on films with sheila, and my own hand in producing.
i think just in terms of where i am at in my career, i wrote that post 6 years ago. Well, 6 years ago I didn't have any on-screen credits. Now I'm on imdb. I wrote from a place of nothing, complaining about my current moment. I was almost thinking I was the same person. I began to reach a place of complacency which was shaken up by my 27th year. There was no longer a choice to be complacent. 2025 was healing from every past relationship, extremely single, mom moving to the other side of the country and my family base falling from underneath me before i was ready, a business decision that became my summer and brought me into a really vulnerable space, my deep concern for my different family's health and mental health, finally seeing a therapist to open up some things in my past and start letting go of them...im at peace with that work because in 2026, i can feel how much i have finally changed. even though im not where i think i should be by now, my god have i changed and by the grace of God go I, thankful is the one who is still able to wake up and choose.
my tito dick suffered a traumatic brain injury, and a week after that i found myself in the hospital, too. i was on an IV for almost 2 days. normally i wouldnt talk about it but here i want to say something about it. those nights in the hospital taught me something about how precious love for oneself is. because without love for oneself, you will be easily fooled by a mirage that disguises itself as love, but really is just some scalding bad habit...and also that having gratitude and giving thanks is one silent powerful energy.
life slowed down for me, at least i tried to slow down for my life. and each day i've encountered more and more beautiful reasons to be grateful and to love myself. really and fully.
i used to ache, ache, ache because i missed my mom so much, even the mere mention of her would bring me a well of tears in the ol ducts. i felt like a toddler again, my mommy was gone to work and i was all alone. but it wasn't that. with time i realized im an adult and my mom needs to live her own life, too. she certainly deserves that. i used to explain this by saying i am a late bloomer. i think i just have attachments and a debilitating fear of change. i used to say my biggest fear was losing my parents. i think ive worked on that fear a lot.
we started visiting tito dick in the hospital for a few months, he was moved several times, and finally my tita lulu took him home. she ran around crazy, stopping her life to be his full care. he's back in ths hospital now, but she's still barely sleeping, barely eating. it's been over a year this way. my uncle suffered a traumatic brain injury and can no longer do anything. his bones have atrophied, and he spends his days sleeping, vomiting, or staring off. ive been wondering what he sees. i always wonder where he is. or rather, where his mind is...it is the closest thing to purgatory to me. i know that sounds quite morbid but i actually feel better thinking of it that way, like he still has some chance...just in which realm.
and seeing that, really seeing my aunt take care of her husband who effectively has become her patient...i think it takes a lot of strength to do that. it takes a lot of love, and a lot of hope. we had this quality of life discussion many times. there was nothing they could do. and then the year passed on and things didn't get better, they only ebbed and flowed. i tried my best to bring a moment of levity to my aunt. but even now, i can still feel her stress.
i think seeing my uncle in this condition made me see how precious life is. it became a visual example to me, i can still remember seeing him that day after brain surgery, i can remember still how the swelling healed, unevenly, how we tried to move his muscles in the beginning, and with time, everything got too stiff for us. whenever it rained his hands became inflammed, i learned that was from the gout.
i got so much closer with my cousin michele. i missed my mom and tried to fill all the spaces she once did. at church, at my aunt's, at my house. i missed my mom and every moment i did, i expressed it to her. because thank God she's still here to hear it from me.
it made me emotional. 2025 made me very emotional. of course it would, we lost david lynch at the beginning of it.
but im through to the other side now, really valuing my time left on earth with each of my loved ones, including of course my mom. though its best for me to start letting go of my mom, so im glad she is helping me do that by choosing to travel the world. her strength through everything that happened with my uncle, her level headed-ness...in the beginning of 2025 my mom retired. i was there on the last day of her work. i remember all her coworkers singing praises, how the O.R. would be different without her. And I understood what each of them meant, because when Marivin is gone, you can really feel that she is gone. And she's not even gone yet she's still alive! But you know what I mean! Gosh Im sobbing now, you see!
I didnt have a romantic love in 2025. Which only happens when I'm heartbroken, to not feel romance at all (really unlike me), but I decided to spare myself in 2025 also, though I was not heartbroken I decided to focus on love that gave back to me. The love of my parents and family, of my friends, of my craft. These things poured so much love into me...any love that shows up now has to go through that litmus test, because I will not be fooled by any more mirages...similarly i will not be a mirage to anyone else. the one who seeks me seeks me in my true form because for him, the most honest is the most beautiful, the most true is the most free. and for me im finally understanding what it means to long for someone. you look around at all these faces in different places and wonder who they all are, who will they all be, and its a dream to know one day i will see a face and recognize something of desire and...well all that to say, ive really slowed myself down. i feel like i listen to the ground vibrate, thats how low to earth im trying to stay.
somehow i wanted to update my tumblr finally, because im a filmmaker, a jersey girl who loves love and thanksgiving , not the holiday but the daily practice of thanks, and im 28 now, still planning to use my tumblr until i kick the bucket. it will be a long experiment. i hope im not too lame and try to hide this one day, but know that i do that it will only b for my own safety.
it may be more frequently that i start writing here again. who knows! love you!
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