Iâm thinking about my childhood and how it kind of sucked. But Iâm so grateful that it made me into the person I am today...
When I was younger, it was so easy to think that nobody cared about me. Some immediate memories I had when I was a child are: waking up when I was maybe 4 or 5 and seeing that no one at all was home. I immediately start to cry and ran to the front door and started crying and banging the door. My aunt who lived in the unit next to ours finally opened my door and let me in her place. I just huddled in the corner thinking at least Iâm not alone.Â
Another memory is of me in pre-school just waiting for my sister for mom to come. We were always the last to leave and the pre-school teachers were always saying in distain that if she didnât come soon, they would drop us at the police station. I donât even remember what I did when I got home; what I recalled most days is kneeling on my hands and knees just watching a trail of ants and getting them to crawl on my finger.
Then when I was in 3rd and 4th grade, mom would pick my sister and I up from the after school program and bring us to the bus stop to take the bus home by ourselves. In summer school before 5th grade, I waited an hour for dad to come get me after my 1st or 2nd day of school. I finally got too cold and tired of waiting that I decided to walk home. I got lost and when I finally got home, dad watching the tv and when I told him what happened, he said he forgot like it wasnât a big deal. I didnât have much expectations by that age. It was just disappointment.
When I started middle school, I would go home and let myself in the house. I would do dishes, make rice, and then just watch tv. Thinking back, I wonder where the rest of my family was. I was usually alone and forgotten. If you asked me to describe those days, it would be this: I felt very alone. I felt like just the poor girl who had holes in her dress shirts and broken Payless shoes. My parents wouldnât even know if I didnât come home until 11pm. I remember one time I was with my sister and we ended up getting lost trying to come home. A stranger took us home and we finally did come home around 11pm. When we got home, all mom said was, âcome eat.â I remember feeling relieved because we didnât get in trouble -but i was also felt a sense of disappointment that she had no idea that we werenât home for all that time.
The last time I cried was maybe 4 or 5 months ago. That was when I was standing in front of my Human Development class for a presentation and telling everyone about this childhood. The professor asked since my parents were so absent, did I have a role model to look up to. I donât believe I had anyone to call a role models. He said that It seemed that my life was very unstructured and do I look for structure now. Yes, I do. Iâm the type that usually donât want to start a movie unless itâs a happy ending; I donât want to read a book unless I take a peek at the last page; and I donât surprises. The first time my friends threw me a surprise bday party, I felt very uneasy. Sadly, I still donât feel I have much discipline. I felt a bit of cognitive dissonance when I was telling my story. But when I was talking about present day me, I started tearing up because of the exhaustion I felt with all of life. And then when I to Zedd, I was bawling again on a friendâs shoulder because of that same overwhelming feeling of being tired of working so hard, tired of not knowing, and tired of feeling alone in it all.
Inspite of everything, I know that I am the way I am today because of a few more memories:
-I was probably in 3rd grade. Mom and I went to the doctor because I had a pink eye. They prescribed eyedrops and when we got home, mom told me to lie down so she could put them in my eyes. I really found eyedrops dreadful and she kept fighting me telling me to just do as she said. I squirmed away from her and into another room. When I went back to peek at her, she was crying on the bed. I got so scared that I went back in the room, got the eyedrops, and went to the kitchen so that I could put them in my eyes.
-I wanted attention so I kept tugging on the sleeve of my distracted dad as he was watching tv. With enough begging, he turned away from the tv to pick me up and walk me around the bedroom as I laughed when he pretended to walk through doorways to knocked off and probably suffer conclusion lol.Â
-Iâm maybe 7 and mom was crying as she hit us children with a coat hanger. She was super angry over something my sisters (or my sisters and I did). I remember feeling really confused about why she was hitting us. It scared me just as much to see her cry than to be hit.
Itâs hard for me to think of the kind of person I am and what kind of flaws I have. I know all too well the personal flaws Iâm worried about the unconscious and well disguised ones that would lead me in the wrong direction. Iâm very grateful to my parents who did the best they could. Ultimately, even though most of the time I didnât feel cared for, I knew that my parents did care. That was probably my saving grace. I know all too well that I didnât grow up in an ideal environment but I wonder how much my childhood influenced the person I am today and whether there are things I can work on to become a truer, happier, and freer version of myself.Â
