I can’t help but feel replaced, No not replaced, That implies there was a void that needed be filled, Pushed aside is what I feel, Like nothing I did was good enough, Nothing I could do will be good enough, Ever. I know it’s not your fault, And it’s not mine either, But I feel like it’s my fault, Because I’m the one who canceled out as nothing, Nothingness, Just as much as a joy to you, As a pain to you, Making it not worth it. Making me worthless. I wish you knew, But you do know, You just don’t act on it, Because to you feeling something, Is worse than feeling nothing at all, No real pain, no really happiness, no real life, Ignore all real feelings so you can only feel when nothing is real. A feel a taboo, An awkward controversial topic, Maybe if you try not to think about it, it will just disappear, And you won’t have to deal with it anymore. I need you to deal with me because I don’t know how to lose you, Selfish, Now we are back to the start really, I’m the problem and will always be the problem, My problems should bother you. I’ll cycle through these thoughts, A few more times, Then maybe I fall asleep.
I was hurt. This was deep. This was untrue.
I am fine. I have always been fine. You are the broken one. And I've stopped fixing.
Years went by and only one line is true;
Because to you feeling something, Is worse than feeling nothing at all, No real pain, no really happiness, no real life, Ignore all real feelings so you can only feel when nothing is real.
I hate that I thought this way. I'm glad that I don't anymore.
Looking back on all of this makes me realize how well I'm doing now. Every time in the past six months I was worried I was slowly slipping back into depression was nothing.
This was depression. This whole time period was depression. I wanted nothing more than to be anything but my self.
At this moment I feel pain for how bad I was hurting--or the pain of how I hurt is coming back to me.
My problems now all seem so small. Nothing back then should have even mattered, but it crushed me. Now I'm sad but only because there is so much good around me, I need some bad sometimes; to keep me humble.
Bye for now this tumblr time capsule of a snapshot of time that is only a small representation vast few years. Bregs.
