now, leaf wasn’t blind, and he wasn’t stupid either. he could see how max’s body retracted at even the gentlest brush of physical contact; purposeful or not. it wasn’t like leaf was TRYING to make max uncomfortable, he was just a touchy guy with people he trusted. or, you know felt at least slightly comfortable with. it wasn’t like the elder, you know, TRUSTED max, or anything, at least not —— whatever. but he was curious to know why even a soft shoulder nudge was so unbearable to the boy.
leaf’s features crinkled as he took in max’s words. “ ya’ wouldn’t mind… what, ya’ don’t like yourself ? why ? you’re not half bad —— most of the time. once ya’ get past the snobbishness and the fact you’re a kid. i mean, i’m pretty picky. i don’t invite just anyone over to smoke ALASKAN THUNDERFUCK. it’s a special dealio. ” oversharing ? compliments ? using the word DEALIO in a sentence ? there was a slight chance leaf was feelin’ it ( IT being the weed ) and couldn’t exactly control what he was saying.
“ i’m not SELF-CONSCIOUS. use all the fancy-pants words ya’ want. i know what you’re sayin’. that don’t mean it’s not PRISSY. ” leaf hummed, plucking the ( rapidly depleting) joint from the boys hand as smoke still swirled from his mouth. “ see, here’s the thing. the reason you can trust me. ” he paused, if only for dramatic effect, and smiled before taking a long, slow hit. “ what fuckin’ use do i have for fucking you over ? for hurting you ? ” he exhaled as he talked, the cloud of weed-y smoke that surrounded their heads growing evermore. “ why would i WANT to hurt you, — you know ? like, you can trust me. anyone can trust me. i’m takin’ all these secrets to my grave. ‘s a promise. ”
halfway through his next hit, the realization of what he’d called max smacked him in the face. with a spluttering cough, leaf looked anywhere but at max. “ hm ? oh, m’ fear beag ? it’s uh ——— — ” he could lie. but… why would he? resigned, he shrugged. “ it’s somethin’ the head of the orphanage used to call me. ”
max smiled at leaf’s words, despite the insults that came along with them. ‘ thanks —— i think, ’ he said, a note of playfulness in his tone, before becoming serious again. ‘ i don’t know, ’ he shrugged ‘ i’m not great COMPANY, if you haven’t already noticed. i don’t really feel like people like me that much — and i know that that stuff isn’t really supposed to matter, but i don’t really blame them. if i had a choice in the matter i wouldn’t spend much time with me either. i just —— ’ he paused, suddenly focusing intently on the seam of his sleeve that he’d begun to pick at. ‘ i dunno, it doesn’t matter. ’
he became quiet for a moment, a part of him closing off as he felt his heart rate unnaturally increase. it felt like he had something foreign in his chest, something that didn’t belong to him, something alive that was desperately struggling to get out. he could feel a tremor slowly climb his spine, and — again — he attempted to calm himself down —— take a deep breath, relax your muscles, clear your head. he eyed the joint that had been taken back from him.
‘ but i don’t know that, ’ he stated, giving leaf another shy smile. ‘ i don’t really know YOU at all —— you could decide to throw all of this back in my face. ’ but he didn’t really believe that — or he didn’t care. it felt GOOD to talk to leaf, it was a type of intimacy he hadn’t allowed himself before. and even if the older did decide to use the secrets he told him as some kind of ammunition, at least he had told someone. it was an intimidating thought, though. that maybe someone who he’d only known a short while knew him better than anyone else — better than bridget, maybe even better than adela. but there was still a part of him that didn’t mind, like he trusted leaf by instinct.
max raised his brow at the older’s reaction, and guilt hit him like a punch in the gut. ‘ the orphanage ? ’ his voice was quiet, testing the waters, unsure whether he’d be pushed back. he’d been so busy in his own head, talking about his own issues that he had completely forgotten that leaf probably had his own difficult past. sure, that hadn’t been part of the deal. max was supposed to talk about what was bothering him, and that was that. but he felt selfish, like he’d neglected the other’s feelings. but it was typical, all too often he got too wrapped up in his own mind too consider how others were feeling — like there were times where he just forgot to empathise.