Diary??? @personal-x-shit - Tumblr Blog

16 March 2015

By kinda i kinda mean a bit more than kinda i kinda really wanna die like sorta really dont want to wake up anymore

16 March 2015

Kinda wanna die

24 February 2015

So i just successfully purged for the first time in my life and am not sure if what came up was blood or tea or soup or a mix of everything tbh bc that shit was pretty damn red idek

20 February 2015

I am so fucking done with constantly thinking and worrying about food im sick of eating so much and im tired of only being happy if im under the calorie limit. I fucking hate this world i hate the media i hate how you have to be so fucking skinny before people start respecting you i hate being fat i hate constantly feeling unsatisfied with myself i fucking hate every damn thing about myself why the fuck am i even doing this why the fuck do i even exist i hate myself for being able to be so happy at school when i have to deal with all this when i get home i hate myself for not being able to be happy at night i hate myself for comfort eating and tbh i would actually prefer it if i just cut instead of ate and you know that would sound so damn bad if it werent for the fact that i really dont actually care whether i cut or not as long as im not found out. I mean i went just over a whole year self harming without people finding out and the thing is, the only thing i actually feel that was damaging to me was the procrastination and anxiety- not the cutting. I dont really care that i cut and the only thing that worries me is the fact that i cant hide my scars and wear shorts. Thats literally the only problem; that people will find out. And so basically i just dont let them find out, like thats logical, right. Thats all. I dont want people to think im showing it off. And i dont care that some people know, i just dont want the scars hanging out everywhere. thats the only thing thats stopping me and tbh its so damn annoying bc all the hidden spots of skin are covered in scar tissue so now if i do cut it has to be somewhere visible and its actually so damn frustrating it makes me want to shove my head through a wall bc im just comfort eating instead and getting fat when i should be getting thin i hate everything

19 February 2015

Kind of unbearably disgusted at my own existence

And the scale of which i am full at the moment

17 February 2015

Nothing about this week has been good I deserve to die i am disgusting shoot me please god fuck Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat i can feel it all over me get it off

14 February 2015

Shouldve known mood would catch up with my school work

13 February 2915

I knew this would fucking happen ffs she should not be here Shes in the kitchen and had obviously done something stupid and now mums shouting at her and to that shes just overreacting again, so shes just clattering around in the kitchen making a giant mess probs and uGH JFC MUM PLEASE TAKE OVER And i hate it when she cooks because she always just makes the fattiest foods ever just loaded with cheese and gunk and it makes me want to puke like ffs i hate cheese agh and then there is always such a big mess that she just leaves for others to clean up because "she cooked" ugh ffs bitch yeah were on dishes but not the whole damn kitchen have some fucking respect

11 February 2015

Kind of relying on weight loss to fix all of my problems as if being skinny will fix everything

8 February 2015

I haven't posted on here in soso long lmao oops soz This tv program is about fasting and it is the most triggering thing ever oml. Its all about how fasting is good and healthy oh my god i need to eat less

2 November 2014

the internet is completely and utterly ruining my life quite literally day in day out all i fucking do i sit blankly infront of the screen under the belief that if i just spend one more hour watching youtube or whatever that i will magically become satisfied with my life and get up and be productive when in reality its never going to stop and for the same reason i attention seek/seeked because when i turn away i am so fucking unsatisfied with everything around me and i dont know why. i cannot get away from it anymore the mere idea of going a day without internet unless constantly distracted tbh just scares the shit out of me bc i literally have NOTHING ELSE HERE i hate it i hate it im so angry at the internet for ruining my life for completelt sucking me in but i know that without it everything feels so empty like im missing something everyone else just seems to fucking get oh god how i wish i was one of those people who dont understand i wish i knew what it was like to have a reason for waking up bc atm its literally just staying here because what a waste of all my good grades. how i even got them i dont fucking know considering i spend literally every spare moment wasting away behind the screen. and what fucking completely has started pissing me off is all those posts of tumblr about how all they do is go on the internet hahaha im so lazy but its also so fucking cool because im a hipster fucking internet kid oh look theres a group for it do people not know that in a few years when you realise you have thrown your life away to watch some boring fucking baking videos or reblog pics of nice hair ypu will be so fucking disappointed in yourself. when the internet can quite literally cause depression it stops being a laughing matter fuck off with your in fashion laziness it will ruin your life stop it before you end up like me

i want to throw my fucking laptop out of the window im so tired of this fucking bullshit and all the lies you tell yourself about how youll get up soon and how after watching everyone else be so happy in the life maybe somehow youll become like them how youre not really you when youre not mentally in your life its great once it starts but let me tell you spending 15 hours straight online is not fun amd games it is pure and sad addiction and you have nobody to blame but yourself. and to top it all off thats also the reason nobody gives a shit because its like hey youre just lazy on the internet you just need some discipline to get offline and honestly its all on you bc at least with depression and other stuff there seems to be so much help and awareness out there for it like there are ads on tv and helplines for all that stuff but nobody gives a flying FUCK for the lazy fucking idiot who "doesnt care about anything but her tumblr notes"

not one flying fuck

#02-11-14

26 October 2014

There are so many things to be sad over - depressed and unhappy about. But there is always a way out. Some solution, something to help you make it through.

Yet I find that the one thing that does not work that way is being alone. Yes, when you’re older you can grow to find your own friends but being alone in a situation where you can do nothing about it makes it the most confining thing in the world and there is just no escape from this. I am so completely trapped and alone and I don’t see a way out of it. Not for a very long time.

And I’m stuck with two options. Die. Or live like this for years and years until I finally have a small chance to find someone who can take it away. I’m still deciding. I know what’s right, I just don’t know if it’ll happen.This room is confining me, it is a constant reminder of my loneliness and yet I have to live in it. There is so little getting away from it and you can escape for a while but at the end of the day it is waiting for you and you know that you will never truly get away from it.

#26-10-14

25 October 2014

so here we go i am so fucking sick of lying i need to clear this out that i my ed is basically not an ed and you know one should be pretty happy to hear that right but no it fucking tears me apart because its like im some fucking extremest yoyo dieter to the point its not even a diet anymore but yet not an ed because all i fucking do is eat all day just everything i can get my hands on i am not anorexic and i am not bulimic i am not b.e.d somehow if i were anything its a fucked up mess of all three but i cant help remembering what person said about eating three meals a dag how it cant be real its so fucking true though i never lose much weight its so fucking unstable and it tears me to shreds bc im obviously just not ill enough for help all im doing is being a fucking moron complaining about everything i ever do and it is ruining me to know that going to marinoto and all that was one pointless fucking stupid move bc if you look at the records i wasnt even that sick everyone was just nice and tryna make me feel less bad bout being such a fucking attention whore and yet i keep wanting more of it but i cant i cant ive reached the line and to cross it just makes me that much more stupid and so here i am stuck with this fucking binge shit that doesnt really qualify for ed because all it is is just starve then hunger its natural and so so fucjing pathetic just like me.

ive begun having the bloody stomach churning anxiety like year 9 again and yet i have no fucking space for it because i have to throw myself into life right now if i want to get anywhere i mean bloody hell i want a clean record i want straight es and scholars badge and carreer pathways and basically everything but all i am is this gaining fat slob wasting my life away watching youtube videos to feel less lonely its so so pathetic. and this is the time where i so so wish all of these were valid problems because im so sick of going to mental health places and feeling like im much too a priveleged person to be there im sick of asking for "help" for myself over and over again when i know perfectly well how to make myself feel better i know the ropes i know cbt like the back of my hand why do i think going back is going to fix anything? i am literally so much less sad then half the peiple i know what makes me think im worth the time?

its hurts it hurts but i know that going back will put me in the same space as before because all the people even do is tell me coping methods and say the rest is up to me but you know fucking what theres no point to it anyway where am i meant to get the motivation to be better even if i am sick at all what is the point why should i feel any better when i know its not even going to affect anyone nobody even sees what its like i mean all people fucking need to be assured fhat im happy is a big smile and enthusiasm thats all thats needed whats with all this breathing and coping shit whether i cope or not makes no difference to anything and so since im obviously not sick and were i at all i still can do nothing i know that i will either 1. continue to binge myself obese which at that point or actually much before i will probably kill myself oh lol what a pathetic way to die what a pathetic waste of a pathetic person or 2. i pull my shit together and binge or not become super fucking rich and smart and own a house that will probably be just as or even more empty then this current one which will then cause me to binge on slightly less boring foods and i will become obese as well and probably kill myself as well too oh haha well shit doesnt that look bright what a fantastic future ahead of me all i see is food disgustingly greasy fatty calorific foods that i cant seem to get away from my mouth or hips or waist or ass or thighs or calves or multiple chins or my fucking fucking stupid thoughts.

im so so scared of the inevitability of gaining more and more weight and oh god i am so ashamed that one of these days when i become so so over weight which is soon i will be needing a new LARGER school uniform when it should be falling off me no i will need to go UP a size because i have no fucking control and one of these days i will need to go up to my mother and tell her that i am so fucking FAT that she needs to buy me new clothing when we barely have enough money to feed us all (which by the way goes down the drain when i shove it all in my face). i will literally have to tell my parents that i am becoming this fat and i know they will know its because of all the missing biscuits in the kitchen and the empty fucking chip packets in my trash do you understand where i am coming from not only will my pathetic inability to control myself be hurting me but it will be putting even more pressure on my own family to pay for my new fat expenses.

#25-10-14

19 October 2014

i have never felt more alone in my life.

i keep accidentally leaving things out and my parents are noticing like last week, i left a half empty can on bourbon and cola open in my room and my dad found it i cannot believe i forgot to hide it?? and then on friday i put my lunch down the chomper (you would not believe the guilt) but i forgot to push it down so there is a WHOLE SERVING of food in the sink just SITTING THERE for mum to see. i had to say that it fell on the ground so i couldnt eat it at lunch. oh god i feel so bad about that. and now mum is suspicious and dad is suspicious and i just want them off my back.

and fuck, the guilt is terrifying.

im so alone alone alone alone alone and it feels like i always will be.

#19-10-14

14 October 2014

"And I sing and sing of awful things The pleasure that my sadness brings As my fingers press onto the strings In yet another clumsy chord"

#14-10-14

13 October 2014

i want to die.

last night i had a spontaneous breakdown at 11pm that lasted until 2am. i then slept until 3:30am and woke again. i fell asleep at 4am until 6am, giving me 3 and a half hours sleep in total the day before school begins.

today i found out that i have to get straight E's in externals to get a scholars badge. and binged. and did no study. and spent all evening on the internet.

tonight i feel my sleep will be little again.

and tomorrow i have kickboxing.

i am alone and it haunts me

#13-10-14

9 October 2014

at this rate ill be obese by christmas

i deserve to die

#09-10-14

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