shhh

vent blog

[personallu]

i hate myself i need  be helping this one friend out but another one was talk gin bat needles ina gruop dm and like noMMOOO I LOVE PANIC ATACKS FUCK MY ASS and li feel bad bc it shoudl b abet htme not abt tme v c this is acasry i just A CNANNOTTTT I LOVE SHTUTING DOWN and being super   incompiteitnt or what vef god @me fuck u !!!!!! ucuk i hate this i feel like im dying

[personallu]

girl i love you but youre RLLY only talking to me about what a sad person you are n youre not giving back what im putting out im conflicted

[personallu]

i get to see a counselor on friday god bless i havent seen one in like ,.... 8 ish months

[personallu]

How To Just Straight Up Burn In Hell a book written by Me 

[personallu]

that was literally the “youre my best friend card” being pulled RIGHT before the “but youre not important enough to visit bc work even tho i would be doing work while visiting you” card was also pulled I Love Dying Honestly :)

[personallu]

“the last two years have been so hellish im so ready for things to get better” i love how     right after i post this i realize three is a new rash on my arm :)) t burns and itches and i feel like im on fire i LOVE dying @god is this like a sign lmao f=just ufkc my life

[personallu]

the past two years have been so hellish im so ready for things to get better

[personallu]

i havent vented directly to anyone abt these problems except kind of w the rowyso stuff a LIL BIT in like months lmao i love dying

[personallu]

life has been so stressful lately though ok like got lowkey disowned by the dad and im just like     whatever honestly ugh i dont even,., we are like 00000 money wise we fucked up its my fault i love dying 

i just idk i feel like so much has happened

i havent rlly told anyone abt it tho

idk 

and like idk my health just really fucking crashed i had one healthy day yesterday n i went like dumpster diving literally lmao idk i wish i had a million dollars so i could either rewind time or go to the indy rowyso and be healthy and happy idk i justw ant to be happy 

[personallu]

this is probably going to sound     super ridiculous im just really sad over my rowyso date n its just really weird

like im having a rlly hard time thinking abt anything from either night w/o wanting to cry n like part of it is probably an i miss them thing but i feel like most of it is bc like,,,.. it was hard to have a good time or remember good things?? idk i was just super stressed out and like i finally finally finally made it to august first and second after so long and so much and i got super super lucky on the second and got to be like     5 feet away from luke but i just didnt feel happy and it makes me so upset i was supposed to feel so happy and well and safe and i didnt. n i know most of it is bc of my health it was just rlly bad like i missed SO MUCH of being SO CLOSE to them on sunday because i couldnt stand or breathe or anything and like i deadass almost died that night lmao just ufck my life honestly

idk like i was supposed to be safe there u know like theyre my safe space n i was super not safe ESP the second night and it just     is so horrible to me idk it meant a lot n i dont mean to be ungrateful is just :-((((

and another part i think was like my depression maybe?? idk i got the feeling i got in march where i like  knew i should be feeling happy n i was tring to but i just wasnt and i feels so bad typing these w ords out ugh idk i just    hope i feel better next tour and things go better and i can be not anxious the entire concert and i can stand and actually see luke and michael and calum and ashton and enjoy it and not worry and just not be sick 

if i ever get the chance again idk i just  everyoen around me is so happy and i want to be too but im not everythings just like grey?? ish?? almost there but no quite?? idk

[personallu]

im   so stressed out ugh my mom payed so much for this n i could never pay her back n we rlly didn thave the money but she thought it would work out and it didnt bc selfish friends i love life :) but now shes rlly depressed n its stressing me out n making me more upset than i already am and making home a really not nice place ughhh hghhhh ht his is Horrible 

[personallu]

i was sad but now im like still sad but mostly angry n real passive aggressive which is WAY immature but o well 

[personallu]

not like i payed literally hundreds of dollars i dont have and you arent paying me back and you promised you would do this for me and if it wasnt for me you wouldnt have even been there and its not like i literally stood until i couldnt breathe and was having a panic attack you didnt even care about and until i left the venue and threw up twiice and got home and almost died because my body went into shock its not like i bought everything for this and i wrote everything out and planned it for ME not you but its fine sweetie :)

[personallu]

thanks for ruining literally eveerything im so glad ur chill w stepping on people and putting yourself first and not thinking about others to get what you want :)

[personallu]

when u n ur mom get into a fight n she dead names you n you literally throw up wow can u not thtad be GREAT my stomache hurts n im super dysphoric i love dying ; ////

[personallu]

mmmmmmmmm im so just like Burning In Hell my friend is being so severely passive aggressive w me n its just putting me in this state of constant anxiety esp bc they bought me smthng n it might not work but thats whatever i just owe them $$$$$ but i cant pay them back for foreveer i am just burning like idk its this RLLY horrible feeling like i feel like someone is holding my head in one spot or like always watching me n looking over my shoulder and that im too loud or something i justtttt am not herereee fo r thisssssssss

[personallu]

when one of ur friends is angry @ u n being super passive aggressive i love dying