“ if i did ‘plenty’ of anything, it was in me holding them back. “
he doesn’t want to be saying this, but, at the same time, if he didn’t, then why were the words spilling from his mouth in the way that they did? “ how can you not understand that i let the relic get stolen? after all we did to get it? “ something boils from deep within him, molten hot and thick like syrup. “ it’s just been reassurance after reassurance. “ he says, all while trying to hold back the burning sensation that wells in his throat, nails digging into calloused palms. “ don’t you hate it? how we take five steps forward and get kicked ten back? because of plans not panning out the way they intended to? because of– because of people like me who can’t even imagine how they’d ever be able to keep up with you all? “
another long inhale, it appears to almost be painful in its execution, especially with the slow, drawn out way he lets himself breathe out. something hurts, oh yes, something hurts, something that smells of pride, of something saline hidden in the corner of his eyes. “ who doesn’t by this point? why– “ with an audible “fuck” as the child’s voice cracks, he breathes in again, rubbing quickly at his face before breaking eye contact with the girl before him. “ why won’t… “
“ … why won’t anyone let me say sorry, ruby? “
and why won’t saying sorry make him feel any better?
❛ ... Of course I do. ❜ IT’S spoken so quietly and after such a long pause that it was easy to miss --- unless, of course, you were Oscar and you were expecting some kind of acknowledgment. The moment she’d begun to hear his voice waver, she had to look away; she continues to look away, gaze firmly fixed on a crack in the pavement. If she looks up and sees him waiting for some kind of answer --- or worse, expecting a platitude --- it’ll just make her eyes sting more than they already are. ❛ Of course I hate it. Of course I understand what happened with the relic. You think I don’t ? ❜
There’s a sharpness in her tone that she rarely uses with friends --- one she doesn’t think she’s ever used with Oscar --- but there’s no stopping it. Each sentence, each reminder of what they’ve just been through --- and how far they came just to get kicked right in the gut, again --- is another hammer to the dam she’s carefully built up. That dam which, incidentally, has been growing weaker and weaker ever since she’s returned to Spirale. She’s already slung barbed words in her mom’s direction, someone she hasn’t spoken with since --- why not add to the list ? ❛ How can I not know exactly what position we’re in ? What, you think... You think you’re the only one that makes mistakes ? Oscar --- half the things that went wrong in Atlas... They wouldn’t even be going wrong if I hadn’t screwed up before you even met us. Neo, Cinder, Tyrian... All the damage they’ve caused, the people we’ve lost... If you wanna play the blame game, I promise you --- I’d win. ❜
Her voice is level, but the sort of level that only makes one anticipate when it’s going to crack. She doesn’t know how it hasn’t already, considering how painfully tight her throat feels. ❛ You saw how she fought... I’ve seen it, too. You honestly think any of us could’ve done any better against her ? If I’d have had the relic, she would’ve just come after me when I was alone, too... And she probably would’ve tried to finish me off for her old partner’s sake. You’re not as far behind the rest of us as you think, so if you wanna apologize... Go ahead. But I’m not gonna tell you what you wanna hear, I --- I’m not gonna... Add onto the way you see yourself. ❜