enditnow

i am a simple person with many thoughts in mind that can't be concise in a one hour tell all story. loving every wrong doing that i've done and will do :) and i am ending every hardship and pain that i have now-

[phamfhersz]

Kanino mo pwedeng sabihin na pagod ka na?

Yung parang naiwan ka sa lugar na paulet ulet ang pangyayare? Di ka makatakas. Yung nag uumpisa pa lang, alam mo na agad ang kahahantungan. Nakakapagod pero nasanay ka na.

Sobrang sanay ka na, na ultimo sakit na naramdaman mo parang wala na lang. Dati halos para ka ng mamatay, ngayon, isa o dalawang patak ng luha na lang.

Sanay na, pero di ibig sabihin na di ka na nasasaktan.

[quoteastic]

One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

[phamfhersz]

I have been having a new low lately. I am used to being sad, depressed, angry, rage, suicidal thoughts. But now I have this death wish for someone. I even prayed 7 nights straight for someone to die. This is new. It's different and really, really dark. Guess I'm so done hurting and praying for the better. Now I just want them to suffer more than me.

[phamfhersz]

Confession Time.

I don't feel like I'm the other woman. But I am the other, other woman. I'm the deepest, darkest secret. I want to get out of this situation, but at the same time, I don't want to. I know he will never choose me. He has tried to leave me for too many times now, and he keeps on coming back. And I keep on welcoming him back. I'm so easy and stupid. It's been a year and 20 days now.

July 10, 2023

[phamfhersz]

That kiss. I know it's wrong but I do enjoy that kiss from him and all the things that we are.

Though I promised that I'd never ever fall as what we are is just something we only do for fun, validation and excitement. I've never been in this situation and I feel bad that I don't feel bad 🥲 (if it make sense)

#excitingpart

[phamfhersz]

Everything is back to how it should be. Alone. I know I am never meant to be with anyone. There's no more reason to drag it on for so long.

I just realized that today I am just ready to move on and say goodbye. I really loved him, unconditionally but it's time for us to say goodbye.

I really do wish for him to be happy. That he achieve all the things that he wanted in life. Find that missing piece and feel complete. In return, I'll try to be alive and live my life.

Ben, thank you for everything.

March 7, 2022 5:53am

[siickangel]

LANY // Thru These Tears

[phamfhersz]

I want to be strong enough to commit suicide.

[deeplifequotes]

“It’s ok to disappear until you feel like you again.”

— Andrew Zaffina

[phamfhersz]

I feel like something died inside of me. And I can't go back.

[phamfhersz]

I feel so broken browsing at my old photos. I used to be genuinely happy, still depressed but can still find joy in everything.

I used to be confident and smile a lot. I used to be with people, lots of people and I enjoy their company.

Now I can't even snap a picture of myself without feeling sorry. I hate how I look how I smile. I hate everything about me. I feel so insecure about everything and everyone. I feel so little about myself

I can't bare to be around anyone and try to avoid social gathering. I even avoid responding to any messages. I only have 3 whom I can respond to.

I'm so different. I know why I end up being like this and I can't seem to find a way out.

[deeplifequotes]

“Don’t be afraid to lose people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.”

—

[true-love-is-everything]

“I need you. Because you make me laugh more than anyone else, and I’m the best me when I’m with you. And because when you’re gone, nothing feels right until you return.”

—

[deeplifequotes]

“The common denominator in all of your problems is you.”

— Ed Latimore

[phamfhersz]

I'm the problem

[deeplifequotes]

“Thank you, Pandemic. Before you came around, whenever we got a little bit of something good, we wanted more of it. When we got more, we wanted even more. Only when we lost it all did we finally realize that little was enough.”

— Timber Hawkeye

[deeplifequotes]

“You only see yourself as destroyed, I only see you as art.”

— B.E. Van de Veire

[phamfhersz]

I sent him a screencap of all the times he asked me to leave him alone.

After 27 months finally I was able to do what he’s been asking for a long time. I sent it to him to let him know how much he treated me for the last seven months. He asked me to leave him alone for a lot of times.

But after 2 days of finally leaving him alone, I just have this urge to read our old conversations again. I searched for phrases like “I’m sorry”, “Pam” and “I’m here”. And as I go through it I realized that he did say “I’m here” much more than any other words or phrases.

I wasn’t perfect like him. He did bad things to me, unintentionally and I did bad things to him, intentionally. But all those times, for the last 27 months he was there for me. He was there for me. He don’t want to leave me. He don’t want to abandon me even of he can.

He wants me to leave him alone because he can't.

I don’t even know what’s the point anymore.