philipsenpai's fanficion blog

[philipsenpai-fics]

I Heard That

original upload date: april 3, 2014

reposted by the writer

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a/n: a few weeks back a teacher dropped this bomb on us by bringing her wife to work, and I just had to write about it.

beta: Megan

~4.4k, extreme parent fluff and Phil being a teacher :3

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Keep reading

[philipsenpai-fics]

Oh i am so stupid!! This is Mr. lesters husband and not i heard that!! Ill fix it soon ish

[philipsenpai-fics]

The Name On My Wrist

original upload date: may 10, 2014

reposted by the writer

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~1.6k, fluff, soulmates

summary: “I care about the queer people who are outed by the names on their arms.” (prompt) 

a/n: i should be doing something else like studying for my exams

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Keep reading

[glynna-gold]

For the love of heaven please let there be a sequel to this beauty.

[philipsenpai-fics]

There is ^^ its a chaptered fic called symposium and you can find it on the blog :)

[outofthisworld-fic]

Out of This World

authors: Daphne and Ben

beta: Charlie

artist: Brooke (x)

word count: 22k

genre: sci-fi, fluff, fantasy, slight angst

warnings: swearing, homophobia, mentions of existential crisis. (PG)

summary: Dan, an ordinary boy from outer space who is obsessed with stars, receives an odd picture one day. It’s a photograph of a boy, but not the kind of boy he’s used to seeing. He had a pale skin and blue eyes, meaning he was from planet earth. Extremely mesmerized by the boy, Dan goes on a quest to find him and gets himself into all kinds of adventures he never thought possible…

a/n: this is extremely lateAfter months of hard working, stressing, and skyping, our long awaited fic is finally done! This of course woudn’t even be possible without the help of our incredible beta, Charlie. We really couldn’t thank you enough. We also want to thank Brooke, for making the incredible artwork that goes along with this fic, thank you so much for making it even more awesome! And now, without further ado, we present our contribution to the phandom bigbang: Out Of This World.

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[philipsenpai-fics]

Lovely day

As a celebration of me hitting 200 followers, I decided to write one last fic! This is a part 2 of Mr. Lester’s Husband, I hope you all enjoy! 

word count: 3,426

genre: fluff/slight smut

summary: Phil goes on a trip with his class, and takes Dan and Bo with him. 

[philipsenpai-fics]

I'm Not Really In The Mood (and that'd okay)

original upload date: mar 28, 2014

reposted by the writer

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Everyone in this fandom and other fandoms are probably aware of the Alex Day/Tom Milsom scenario, and I’d like to say something about that too. This is a little late, I’m sorry, I was very busy with school, but I think that doesn’t matter. I think what matters is that it’s wrong to have sex with someone if they don’t want that, and that you shouldn’t push them into doing it anyway.

Besides that, it is also important to be aware of this: it is totally okay to refuse. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, you don’t have to be afraid to tell the other person that, you don’t have to be shy and do it anyway because the other might be disappointed in you.

            I’m not a professional therapist or something; I’m just an 18-year-old ordinary girl who likes to write fanfiction. But because I still want to raise awareness I decided to do it the way I do best, by writing about it. That’s why I wrote this:

I’m not really in the mood (and that’s okay)

5 Phan scenarios where one of them wants to have sex, but the other doesn’t. To show that it is completely okay to refuse.

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[philipsenpai-fics]

i am so happy reading all the tags people leave on this. That reaction is the best thing about this, and also the goal of this fic. This is still accurate and i'm glad i can still raise some awareness. Thank you!

[philipsenpai-fics]

The Name On My Wrist

original upload date: may 10, 2014

reposted by the writer

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~1.6k, fluff, soulmates

summary: “I care about the queer people who are outed by the names on their arms.” (prompt) 

a/n: i should be doing something else like studying for my exams

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[spcilers]

PLEASE WRITE A FULL FIC WITH THIS I LOVE IT SO MUCH

[philipsenpai-fics]

I dont write anymore but 'symposium' is the chaptered version of this so you could consider that a full version fic?

[philipsenpai-fics]

The Happiest Man On Earth

original upload date: oct 5, 2014

reposted by the author

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word count: 2.8k 

genre: fluff, mpreg!!

a/n: i haven’t written anything like this but i felt like it and wrote it all in one sitting… enjoy! 

“Why not seize the pleasure at once? — How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!”  ― Jane Austen 

They hadn’t even tried at all, with Dan only being 23. But it had happened anyway. Maybe because of a drunken night; when they had been too drunk to remember. Or maybe the condom had ripped. Dan didn’t know, but it didn’t matter anyway. He was still here, in the public toilets of a pharmacy, with a positive pregnancy test in his hands and tears falling down his cheeks.

With Dan being a carrier, they had obviously planned to have kids in the future, but neither of them had planned them this early. Dan was practically still a teenager, and even though Phil had a stable job in radio, he didn’t even know if he was ready. Heck, he hadn’t even thought about it at all yet.

But now, there was life growing inside his stomach, and he couldn’t just ignore it until it went away.

So Dan slowly opened the door from the toilet stall, and stepped outside. The girl behind the counter from whom he had bought the test from quickly made eye contact with him, and when she saw the tears her smile fell.

Dan didn’t want to talk to her at all, so he quickly left the store after flashing a small smile to her. He stuffed the test in his backpack, and decided to walk home instead of talking the tube. He didn’t want anyone to see him cry.

When he arrived home after a 30-minute long walk, the house was still empty. Phil had his radio show every weekday from 7 to 8, so he wouldn’t be home for another hour. Dan sighed, and threw his bag into his room. He had an urge to throw away the pregnancy test, but that way Phil would probably find it in the trash when he was taking it out, so instead he hid it underneath his underwear.

Despite his mood, he still chuckled when he thought about that. It felt like hiding the test would be equivalent to hiding his pregnancy, but eventually that would be inevitable. There was a growing, living thing inside his stomach, and he couldn’t hide that underneath his underwear. His smile fell again.

A growing, living thing. A baby. There was a baby inside his stomach. Living. Dan gulped, and for the first time he absentmindedly stroked his tummy. It didn’t feel out of place or too big yet, just like it always was, but he knew that would change soon, whether he liked it or not. He needed a drink.

He walked to the kitchen, and opened the fridge. There was one bottle of wine opened up, and as much as he needed it, he couldn’t do it. Now that he knew he was pregnant, he couldn’t drink anymore. Instead he opted for a glass of water, and frowned when he thought about how many times he had drank wine or beer when being pregnant, hopefully not too many times.

While waiting for Phil to come home, he ate some chips (allowing himself to eat two small bags instead of one, he was eating for two now) and went inside the bedroom when he heard the front door open. Out of fear, of course. How could he tell Phil about this?

He needed to tell his boyfriend of 28 that he was pregnant with their child. That in about nine months he had to raise a whole new person, with a lot of responsibility and a lot of needed attention. Dan hadn’t even thought about his possible reaction yet. He could be angry, stunned, pissed off or saddened. As Dan lowered himself onto the bed and lay down with his head on Phil’s pillow, breathing in his scent, he completely forgot to think Phil could be happy about it too.

“Dan?” He heard Phil call out, and Dan buried himself underneath the duvet, pretending not to hear him. If he closed his eyes maybe Phil would think he was asleep.

“Dan, are you home?” Phil called out again. Dan was always home at this time; of course Phil would grow worried soon. “Is there someone here?” Phil’s voice grew a little louder, and Dan peered through his lashes to see if he had entered the bedroom already. Ha hadn’t.

Dan heard Phil walking in the kitchen, where he started cooking according to the sounds he was making. Dan closed his eyes again and focussed on his breathing. Maybe he could use some sleep for a while.

-

A little later Dan woke up when someone sat down on his side of the bed. It was Phil.

Dan slowly opened his eyes and saw the smiling figure hovering above him. He smiled back and yawned, what earned him a kiss on the nose. “Slept well?” Phil whispered, and Dan nodded tiredly. “Dinner’s on the table, I made us Chinese.” 

Phil pulled Dan out of bed and kissed him once again before taking his hand and leading him to the dining room. There were two plates on the table waiting for them and they sat down, Phil smiling at Dan more than normal.

“I have news.” Phil announced with a smile, and Dan looked up from his plate. He had news too but he wasn’t sure he was ready to tell that right away. Instead he smiled at Phil and leaned closer. “What is it?”

“I got a promotion!” Phil said, while almost leaping out of his chair, and Dan’s eyes opened wide as he heard the news.

“That’s amazing! Congratulations babe…” He took Phil’s head in his hands and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. When he pulled back Phil was blushing. “Thank you.”

“I work 5 to 7 now, a little longer and a lot more people will be listening around that time.” Phil’s smile couldn’t grow bigger as he told Dan. “We’ll be making a lot more money and we can eat at a decent time now, nine o’clock is so late every day!”

“That’s great! I’m so happy for you…” Dan smiled and kissed Phil again, trying to sound even happier than he was. “We should celebrate!” Dan exclaimed, and Phil nodded. He jumped up and walked over to the kitchen, shouting, “I will get the champagne!”

Hearing that made Dan’s smile fade quickly. He wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol, but Phil didn’t even know that and Dan couldn’t explain it to him either. Panicking, he tried to think of a way to get out of this, but before he could get his brain to start thinking Phil was already back with a bottle and two glasses.

Phil popped the champagne and filled the two glasses, giving one to Dan. Dan grabbed it and tried to smile convincingly, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the glass he had in his hand. Could he take one sip?

He brought the glass to his lips and took one tiny sip, setting the glass down immediately after. He tugged his hands underneath his thighs nervously, and cleared his throat. “You want mine? I think I’ll have something without alcohol tonight.” He said quietly.

“Why? It’s just one small glass…” Phil answered, and Dan could feel his eyes burning.

“I… I’m just trying to-to better myself, I guess.” Dan moved the glass away from him and blushed heavily, hiding his face from Phil.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked while taking Dan’s glass, and Dan quickly nodded. Nodded too quickly perhaps.

-

That night Phil still shot Dan concerned glances now and then. But Dan forced himself to smile and when he got a bit tired he told Phil he was going to bed.

While brushing his teeth he pulled his shirt up again, and looked at his stomach. There was no bump in sight, and Dan wondered when that would happen. He didn’t exactly know for how long he was pregnant, so it could either take a long time or happen in a few weeks. He sighed and dropped his shirt again, sliding under the covers not to long after.

When he was laying in bed he absentmindedly started stroking his stomach again, where there was a tiny, fragile baby growing. He bit his lip again and grew anxious, his limbs tensing underneath the duvet. He got lost in his thoughts and didn’t hear Phil come in, but when he felt someone step into the bed he woke up from his daydream.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Phil asked with a small voice, and Dan hummed in approval like he had done all night. Phil didn’t reply back and nuzzled against Dan’s back, wrapping one arm around him so it could rest against his tummy. To his surprise Dan’s hand was already there, so he squeezed it and placed a gentle kiss to his boyfriend’s neck.

-

A week later Dan started to notice his shirts were getting tighter. Frowning one morning when his Yeezusshirt didn’t fit nicely around his stomach anymore, he pulled it off again and grabbed one of his older shirts from when he was a little heavier.

He still hadn’t told Phil, but now that he couldn’t wear his clothes anymore he didn’t have much time anymore. He would have to tell him quickly.

“Haven’t seen that one in a long time.” Phil commented from behind his coffee and cereal when Dan came down, and Dan nodded while grabbing his own coffee.

There was an empty bottle of beer on the counter from last night when he and Phil had played scrabble. Dan had drunk orange juice. The way Phil stared at him then made Dan think he was almost going to comment on it again, as he hadn’t drunk wine or anything the whole past week, but he seemed to swallow his words every time.

“Ready to go to Glasgow today?” Phil asked with a smile, and Dan nodded again. They were going to the BBC event that happened every year, Big Weekend, and Phil had to present a bunch of things there. Dan went along with him to watch the performances, and meet Phil’s colleagues. Every year, it was a lot of fun, so Dan was genuinely excited for this.

He took a sip of his coffee and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe he could tell Phil after this weekend.

The warm substance flowed down his throat, and immediately after he had swallowed the coffee, he knew there was something wrong. His stomach was twisting and turning all of a sudden, and as Dan clutched his stomach he ran towards the bathroom. He didn’t know what was happening, but not a moment later he was sick and leaned over the toilet pot with his head. It stank, the taste was awful as there was nothing in his stomach yet, and Dan closed his eyes in disgust. He knew what this meant.

“Dan…” A voice travelled through the house and then there was a hand on his back and a cold towel cleaning his face. Phil sat behind him and a few minutes later, when Dan’s sickness calmed down a little, he pulled him between his legs and hugged him tight.

“Baby… What’s wrong? This is the third time this week this has happened.” He said, and Dan’s eyes started watering. He knew it was the pregnancy, it couldn’t be anything different, but every time he thought about telling Phil he chickened out immediately.

“I’m s-so sorry…” Dan cried, and turned around to bury his head in Phil’s neck. Tears wet his shirt but Phil didn’t seem to mind and pulled Dan even closer to him. They rocked back and forth and the elder whispered sweet things into the younger’s ear repeatedly, to calm him down.

After a while they were still sat on the floor, and Dan’s crying hadn’t stopped yet.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Phil broke the silence, and moved back a bit so he could look at Dan’s face properly.

Dan shook his head.

“No, Dan, there’s something wrong and I want you to know you can trust me, whatever there is I won’t judge you or laugh at you. I love you Dan, always remember that.” Phil kissed Dan’s forehead and Dan swallowed. Could he tell it now?

Giving himself no choice, he opened his mouth and balled his fists. “There is something.” He managed, and then quickly stood up to walk to his underwear drawer. Phil frowned and followed him silently, not wanting to push him.

A tear fell down onto one of his boxers as Dan dug to the bottom of the drawer to find the test. When he felt it in his hands he turned away from Phil and held it. His heart leaped in his chest but he couldn’t back out anymore. He had to do this.

“I- Please don’t be mad at me.” Dan’s voice shook as he glanced down the test and saw the big glowing plus again. Then, he closed his eyes and turned around, thrusting the pregnancy test forward, into Phil’s hands.

Phil was confused at first, not knowing what Dan was talking about of course, and the thing that was put into his hands was unfamiliar to him. But then he took a second look and recognised the brand.

His breath caught in his throat as soon as he realised, and he moved his thumb over the plus on it, indicating the thing he feared.

He looked up to Dan again and saw him with his eyes closed and his body shaking all over in front of him. Then he looked down to Dan’s stomach, and swallowed hard. He opened his mouth slowly but didn’t exactly know what to say, so he closed it again. All this was so much to process at once, and Phil just kept staring. The news of Dan being… well, pregnant hit him hard, but not in a negative way. Phil wanted kids; of course he wanted kids. He was 28 years old and he couldn’t wait to settle down with Dan, but Dan was still so young. That’s why they wanted to wait longer, because Dan wasn’t ready yet.

Phil’s eyes widened and he looked up at Dan’s face again. Dan wasn’t ready. And now he had been carrying this news around for who knows how long, frightened of what would happen; he was shaking and crying, and for good reason.

Phil pulled Dan forward into his arms, and hugged him close to his chest. Stroking his hair softly. “How could I ever be mad…” Phil whispered into Dan’s hair, and kissed his forehead.

“Really? Not for not telling you, or-or the b-baby?” Dan stuttered, and leaned more into Phil. How could he not be mad? This would change their whole planned future and Dan didn’t even know if Phil wanted kids yet.

“Dan I’ve been ready to settle down and have kids with you for a long time. The only thing I’m concerned about is if you are ready for this… We waited because you are still so young, and maybe not ready for this big of a step, so the only thing that matters to me right now is if you want this.”

Dan had to think about that. Did he want kids? Yes. Did he want them in less than nine months? He didn’t know.

He knew he wanted to settle down with Phil, whether it was now or in ten years, and he was still falling in love with Phil every day, so much that you could call him ‘the love of his life’. But this baby was unplanned, completely out of line with everything they had planned for the future, and Dan didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing.

It was a bad thing because Dan was still young; he was unprepared just as pretty much everything about this pregnancy was. It was a bad thing because they were living in a small apartment now and if they had this baby they would need to move.

But it could also be a good thing. It would bring them closer, bonding them in the closest way possible, and it would start a new part of their life. A part Dan had always planned to start eventually, and now was maybe the best time to do it. It could also be good because Dan already felt attached to his baby, and if he had to give it up right now he wasn’t sure if he could ever get over that. And moving to a bigger place could also be a good thing.

 Smiling slowly, Dan finally looked up to Phil. He was ready for this; he knew it. He hugged even closer into Phil and nodded, “I want this.” He said.

“Than you may call me the happiest man on earth.” Phil responded, and attached their lips in a kiss. 

[philipsenpai-fics]

Symposium (all parts)

original upload date: may 13, 2014

reposted by the author

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“According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

“Happy birthday, honey!”

My mother slowly opened the door, and sat down on the side of my bed. I still had my eyes closed and my hands tucked under my duvet. My hands were sweaty and I had been awake for more than an hour, but I was too scared to look at my wrist.

If I opened my eyes and looked at my wrist I would know, but I was so scared. The name would define my future, the one who I was going to spend my life with! I wanted to know her name, but I felt safe the way I was living now. I didn’t want to grow up, and have responsibilities. Being a kid, careless and free, it was what I was used to, and I didn’t necessarily want to change that.

  “Dan, open your eyes.” My mother called for me again, and I slowly opened one. She was right in front of me and had that look of hope and impatience all over her face. I knew she wanted me to look; she wanted to know just as much as I did.

“I’m too scared to look.”

My voice was crackly and almost inaudible, and as I let my eyes adjust to the sunlight I pulled my right hand up. It wasn’t the one where the name was on, so I had nothing to worry about. I pushed the duvet down a bit to let the cool air touch my skin, but it didn’t stop my heart from pounding fast.

“Do I need to look for you?” My mother asked, teasing me a bit and pulling the duvet down more so my left wrist was almost visible. I quickly shook my head; I had to do it myself. Without thinking twice, I pulled my left hand up and held it before my eyes, palm facing me. I opened my eyes and once they were adjusted to the sunlight in the room I saw it.

Nothing.

No name, not a trace of a single letter, just nothing. No soulmate.

“Wh-”

“And?” My mother turned my wrists around and I could see her hopeful smile disappear from her face.

I started bluntly at my hands, and it took some time to process it all. My heartbeat slowed down, not because I was relieved but because I had just lost all my hope. What if there was absolutely no girl destined for me? What if I was just a lost cause? I felt tears tease the insides of my eyelids, and I blinked a couple of times to pry them away, but they came anyway.

I wet my cheeks, and my hands too as I wiped the tears away, but the tears made no difference. Crying was never the answer, but it felt like the only thing to do.

“Am I a hopeless cause, mum?” I asked, my voice was small and my mother carefully wrapped her arms around my back. She rubbed my shoulder blades and spine softly and shook her head.

“Of course not, Daniel, her name will come, I’m sure of it.”

I hiccupped and swallowed the lump in my throat, but the joy of my birthday was gone. I was officially a disappointment. I had to go to school, face my friends who all had their hopes up high, and I had to disappoint everyone. I had to disappoint my father, who was waiting downstairs, and I was a sixteen-year-old boy who was crying in his mother’s arms on his birthday. I was pathetic.

“Come on, my cake will cheer you up.”

I shook my head on my turn, but still kicked the duvet off my freezing legs, and walked downstairs with my mother’s hand still resting on my shoulder.

“And, who’s the one?” My father’s voice rose from the kitchen, and as I turned the corner and faced him, I hid my wrist behind my back. I swallowed again and broke eye contact, mumbling something irrelevant. My eyes were still red from crying, and my father wasn’t dumb, he could figure it out himself.

“What’s wrong, not the name you expected to see?” My father’s voice was still hopeful and I looked up to see him exchange a look with my mother. I shook my head, because it wasn’t that, it was nothing. No name, even worse than a terrible name. I would’ve given everything for a terrible name right now, that way I could still show my dad something.

“Daniel, tell me what’s wrong, I can see you have been crying.”

“Is there cake?” I let my eyes glide over the kitchen, everything better than eye contact with my father right now. I spotted the cake but out of the corner of my eye I could see my father stand up.

Me made his way over to me and I shoved my left hand in my pocket, still not wanting him to see, but I was afraid it was already too late. He moved my chin up with his finger, and I looked into his hazel eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay, you can show me the name.”

No! I couldn’t! That was exactly the problem. I felt another wave of tears and I started shaking my head furiously, I couldn’t show him the name even if it was a shit name!

“I can’t.” I responded in between my sobs, and he furrowed his brows and let his hand fall to my shoulder. It was heavy, as heavy as a father’s hand can be, and I flinched away slightly.

“Why not?” He asked, his voice softer than before.

“Because t-there is-isn’t o-one.” I balled my fist and pulled my hand from my pocket. I faced the ground as I stuck out my wrist to show my dad the empty space that was still there. I saw him take my arm in his hand and a tear fell to the wooden floor. I was such a disappointment.

“Dan… Oh Dan, you don’t have to be ashamed!” My father’s voice was light and caring, and I looked up with the traces of my tears still on my face.

“But I don’t have a soulmate!”

“Yes you do, you have one when you’re ready.” My dad explained, and I frowned. I was ready; I was 16 years old!

“Dan, the name appears when you’re sixteen, that means it can happen all year. You know, when I was your age, I was the same. I was a disaster, my birthday was one big mess, but now I know why.

“Your soulmate doesn’t just appear out of nowhere, the universe has to know what it’s dealing with first! You’re not ready, your personality, preferences, feelings, it’s all messed up right now, if the universe has to pick a soulmate for you right this moment, you two might not even get along!

“Dan, your body and mind have to settle first, and that happens during the year, eventually. You won’t even know it! The best thing is to just live on, and pay no attention to the stupid patch of empty skin on your wrist, and then, one day, you’ll be the happiest person in the world because your soulmate is right for you. The universe likes to wait until the moment is right.” Once my dad was done talking, my tears had dried and I didn’t feel like a disaster anymore. The hand on my shoulder was suddenly a lot lighter and the smile on my fathers face was so genuine, I almost smiled too.

I knew he was right, he always was, but now I understood too. My time will come.

I heard my mother come into the kitchen, and I blinked a few times to snap back into reality.

“The right time…” I mumbled, repeating and mesmerizing my father’s words in my head.

“Yes, and that time will come.”

“But for now, I think it’s the right time for cake, my little boy is still turning sixteen today!” My mother rubbed my back and squeezed my father’s hand quickly before she turned around to get the cake.

I smiled and sat down next to my dad, smiling at him too. I just had to wait, just a little bit longer, before I would see her name.

And I was finally okay with that. 

----

part 2

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The sunlight was too bright for my liking, especially for a normal day like this. It was Monday, my least favourite day of the week. I yawned as I walked down the road with my hands in my pockets, my hood on to protect me from the sun. I kicked a little stone in front of me as I made my way to school, alone.

It was also too warm for a normal day like this; it was only May! I was wearing a grey hoodie and black jeans, a normal choice of clothes, but for this day they were too hot. I was sweating on my back and it itched everywhere, the hot sun burning on the black of my jeans, but I wouldn’t take it off, under no circumstances. That just wasn’t me.

  I stumbled further until I reached the gates, too early, and I pushed the door open that led to the empty hallway of school. I looked up and shrugged my hood off, taking in the school in this empty, unusual state. It felt too grey and depressing, and the ceiling was too low and dirty, with needles and ripped posters stuck everywhere. They were the things you never see when you’re with others, and I was suddenly glad these things didn’t stand out.

I dumped most of my schoolbooks in my deserted locker, and yawned again as I made my way to English. I wandered the halls towards the class, and I saw more and more students arrive. They crowded in front of lockers and tables, none of them hurrying towards class like me, because they all had stuff to do and people to go to, I didn’t have those things.

I wasn’t the only one in the class though; my teacher was also already there. She was wiping the chalk off the board with a wet towel, and greeted me with a nod. I gave her half a smile before I sunk down into my chair in the back. I unpacked my bag as the other kids arrived too, and I let my shoulders droop to stay invisible. There was gum on my table, so I scratched it off with a corner of my English book to pass the time.

With everyone inside, my teacher started the class, and I kept my eyes trained on the board and my mouth shut. It was like I was paying attention even though I really wasn’t, because English wasn’t interesting at all, but because it got me through class for the past 3 years, it was good enough for me.

Today’s class was boring too, and I lost my concentration after thirty minutes. I looked around a bit and I yawned because everyone was yawning all the time in this class, it was too early and too boring.  

When my teacher closed the windows because ‘it was getting too cold’, I groaned and pushed my sleeves up. It was too hot in my sweater and I didn’t want to sweat all over my body. I let my bare underarms rest on my desk and I tried to pay no attention to the heat, which was still unbearable even though my arms were sweater-free.

I let my eyes wander over the room, and after deciding that nothing was actually worth watching, they drifted outside. I looked through the closed window and saw the birds and the blue sky and so many other things I would rather be surrounded with instead of this ridiculous English class, and I let out a sigh. I was so done with being here!

My school days were never fun, there were little to no friends I hung out with, not that I minded, but the lack made me enjoy school less. The classes were boring and no one looked at me, or listened to me. Secretly I wanted school to be a fun time, with friends and interesting classes, but then I had to stand up and talk to people, or ask questions in class. It was like a vicious cycle, because I absolutely loathed those things.

I much rather sat at the back of the class, taking part in everything in a passive way.

My gaze was pulled away from the window when Jeremy, the boy in front of me, started to throw little paper pellets at the teacher. Jeremy was on the football team, and too full of himself. He was, not surprisingly, very popular, and all the girls were attracted to him.

His shoulders were broad and I always imagined his muscled arms hugging me, which must be a fantastic experience. I sighed a little as I kept looking at him, and I blamed it on my boredom.

Suddenly, Jeremy turned around and his eyes met mine. I became beet red on the spot and clenched my teeth. His green eyes were beautiful, and he gave me a quick smile before turning back again.

My breath had gotten faster and I was shifting in my chair, why did Jeremy smiling at me make me so nervous? My heart was beating in my stomach and I kept staring at Jeremy’s back, unable to take my eyes off him after this.

“Okay everyone, see you next week.”

The teacher’s high-pitched voice yanked me out of my unusual daydream, and I shot up in my chair. I mumbled a reply and packed my bag quickly, needing to get out of class as fast as possible. I pressed myself through the door to escape the pile of students, and hurried away from Jeremy.

What had happened in there? It was suddenly so hot…

We still had fifteen minutes until next class, so I wandered through the hallways while keeping my eye out for Jeremy and his girlfriend. I definitely didn’t want to see them right now. So I kept my pace slow and tried not to stare as I saw Jeremy kiss his girlfriend softly on the lips.

I had nowhere to go, no people to meet, no girlfriends to kiss quickly before the bell, so I just just walked around a bit. I was okay with it though, I didn’t mind. The heat was still itching and I scratched my wrist to make it go away, I regretted wearing this sweater already.

“Hey, Howell!” Someone called, and I stopped walking.

That was my name. I didn’t reply, but rather waited for the other person to say what he wanted, it could be something I’d rather ignore.

“Hey! Gay boy, I said your name.” The same person called again, and I vaguely recognized that voice, but I didn’t have time to think about it.

“What did you call me?” I turned around slowly, looking down into the eyes of Matt Peterson, who was a nasty little brat that thought he was better than everyone.

“I’m not gay.” I was at least two inches taller than him, but I still felt tiny when standing next to him.

“Yeah, sure about that?” He grabbed my left arm and held it before his face, laughing almost dramatically. He apparently saw something I couldn’t see, so I frowned and pulled my arm out of his grip.

“What?” I asked, but I didn’t really need to. Once I had turned my left wrist so it faced me, I could see what he was talking about.

It was a name, a name on my wrist. I opened my mouth to yell an insult at Matt, but my mouth was dry and I couldn’t think straight anymore.

“Ph-” The letters on my wrist represented a name, and as soon as all the letters, all ten of them, made their way to my conscious mind, I was speechless.

I shook my head and kept staring, because this was not real. The letters were representing a fake name of a fake someone, because there was no way-

“I’m not gay!” I yelled, and Matt jolted back. I blinked a few times but the name didn’t disappear. I pinched myself to stop myself from dreaming, but I was still in the same hallway, with the same name on my wrist.

“Is this a sick joke, Matt, did you write this?” I asked him, my voice breaking and the tears almost rolling down my skin. I could see him shake his head but I paid no attention to it. Instead, I started rubbing my wrist hard until my skin was red raw and my tears were wetting my sweater, but nothing helped. The letters were still there; they hadn’t changed at all.

“What does this mean?” I asked no one in particular, but I heard no reply. Everyone in the hallway was quiet, and even Matt had a beaten expression on his face.

“Does this mean I have a s-soulmate?”

My heart started beating faster and even though I should be disgusted, all I could feel was butterflies.

I looked down at the name again and there were tears on my cheeks, but I smiled anyway, whispering the two words quietly to get used to the sound.

“Phil Lester.”

It sounded good.

----

part 3

-----

I was just buttoning up my jacket when I saw Matt coming off the bus. He waved and sped up his pace to join me on the pavement. It was weird how quickly someone could become your friend when you identified with them.

As it turned out, Matt was also having trouble accepting his soulmates’ name. His soulmate, Jack was his name, was one of Matt’s best friends and when he found out he didn’t sleep for weeks, unable to face Jack again. After a month, when I had to sigh very loudly in order to make Matt shut up about, I set up a blind date, and since then they’d been that kind of couple everyone was jealous of. Me included.

For me, of course, luck wasn’t on my side. I tried to look Phil Lester up on Facebook, Twitter, everywhere I could think of, but I hadn’t found him. His last name wasn’t even in the phone book! I also wondered what he was doing on a daily basis, at least five times a day. I felt connected even though I had no idea if his eyes were brown or blue or if he was tall or short, fat or thin, I had no idea, but I still felt like I knew him. I found myself at night, worrying about a boy I had never met, wondering if he was all right, if he was having nightmares maybe? It caused me headaches, and I knew I just had to find him soon.

  Matt talked me through my worries and pointless crying all the time, and I was so happy he had thrown away his angry façade the day I found out about Phil. He was good for me and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. We walked to school together now, and he was the perfect listener. I would tell him about how I dreamt of Phil all the time, and how I imagined him with blue eyes. Matt would nod understandably and he would pat my back, telling me he could turn up every moment.

But as the days became shorter again, my hope became almost pointless. Why did it take so long, and why couldn’t I find him? It was making me sick, thinking about the people who never find their soulmates, and I didn’t want to be one of them.

“Come on Dan, get out of that head of yours. We’re going to be late.” Matt tugged on my sleeve and I sighed, following him silently. Leaves had started falling down and they crunched under my shoes. Autumn had come way too fast, and it made me realize I had been waiting for Phil for almost 5 months, which was too long.

I followed Matt to school, and as soon as we were in class I let my eyes drift outside and spend another day zoned out, my thoughts mainly focussed on Phil. How old would he be?

-

“Dan, you really need to stop worrying, he’s looking for you just as much!”

“Then why have I heard nothing from him?” I stood up from my chair and threw my pen across the room. Matt was scribbling down some notes, because we had to do homework, but my head was way too busy concentrating on Phil.

“He knows my name, he can look me up too!” I was shouting now, emotions spilling and slipping out because I’ve had them contained for too long. Matt sat next to me, wide eyed, and he dropped his pencil. He rolled his eyes and

“Well, I’m sure he just can’t find you either. Just please, sit down and shut your brain up, I can almost hear you thinking!”

I sat back down with a groan, I was sick of Matt’s fake reassuring’s that it was going to be okay, because I was sick of waiting and I wanted to be with Phil.

“What if he’s not real?” The thought had crossed my mind several times now, because I couldn’t find him and he seemed like a ghost in my mind.

“Oh shut up, Dan, he’s not a ghost.” Matt pushed a pen my way and I got back to work, Phil still on my mind.

-

The rest of the week passed uneventful, until Matt came running towards me during break on Friday.

“Dan! I found him! Phil… I found him on Facebook…” He was panting and leaning forward with his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

I stopped walking and froze to the spot. I could find him! I turned around and pulled Matt up to face him.

“I have to talk to him.” My voice was harsher than intended but Matt nodded eagerly. It was endearing how excited he was about this also, and we ran towards the school’s computer.

He logged on and typed in Phil’s name, misspelling is three times and I was leaning over towards the screen to see it better. 

“Let me… Dan! Get out of my way!” I heard him groan beside me and he pushed me away, hitting ‘enter’ as soon as he got Phil’s full name typed in the search bar.

Noting came up.

“See? Look, he is one year older than you and his hair is bla-”

“Matt, I can’t see a thing, stop fooling with me.” I pushed him aside and took place in front of the computer.

“You are literally staring at his profile picture right now.” Matt waved in front of the screen but it remained blank and I felt all the hope sink into my shoes again. Had the universe decided to fuck with me? I didn’t have the time and patience for this! I needed to meet Phil and I needed to meet him fast.

“You can’t see it?” Matt was now frowning at me and I nodded, I couldn’t see a thing on the screen even though Matt was staring right at him.

“How is this even possible?” I asked Matt, still looking at the screen. I tilted my head back and forth and turned the screen, but nothing showed up. Refreshing the page didn’t work either, and I sat back, letting out a loud sigh.

“Why can’t I just fall in love with my soulmate?”

I grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled, frustration building up in me. Matt began rubbing my back but that was about the last thing I needed right now, so I brushed his hand away and ran out of the library, not looking back. I didn’t need this bullshit right now; I needed to go home, because my dad might have answers.

I ran home as fast as I could, holding my maths book above my head to keep the rain from hitting my face. Wet leaves stuck to the bottom of my shoes as I ran over the street, I had so much adrenaline all of a sudden, and I needed to let it out. The soles of my shoes echoed when I ran through a small tunnel, and seconds later I could feel the rain hitting my face again.

My house wasn’t far, but the wind was cold and strong and my body ached for some rest, but I didn’t stop. The ache in my heart was stronger; I needed to know why everything, above all my soulmate, was turning against me.

I arrived at my house, panting and soaked with rain, and I pushed open the door. I stumbled inside and called for my father, who was reading the newspaper. He was surprised, to say the least.

“Dan! Aren’t you supposed to be at school?”

He lowered the newspaper in front on his face and his curious eyes stared right through me.

“Dad… I need to-to ask you something…” I kicked off my shoes and leaned on the table, my elbows supporting my body. “Why can’t I find Phil?”

My father’s eyes widened and he straightened his back, but soon relaxed again, and patted on the chair beside him. I sat down and waited for his answer, knowing he had one.

“You tried to look him up, didn’t you?” He asked, and I nodded quickly.

“Right… I knew this would happen eventually.” He sighed and it was confusing, what was wrong with trying to find the one you’re destined with?

“Dan, you must know, the universe has nothing against you. It’s just like I said before, the universe likes to wait until the moment is right. You’re unable to contact him now, until you meet him on the exact moment the universe has planned out for you.”

That was ridiculous! I opened my mouth to protest, but my father was faster. 

“And I know it’s unfair, and stupid, but we humans can’t bend these rules. You have to be patient, and wait; he will be there eventually. I’m sure he’s just as desperate as you are, don’t worry about that, but you need to wait. The univer-”

“Fuck the universe!” I shouted and pushed my chair back hard, causing it to fall over. I stormed out of the room and with tears running over my cheeks, I ran to my room. What had I done to upset the ‘universe’ my dad was talking about? Did I do something wrong? I had been waiting patiently, or at least I hoped I did, so why couldn’t I just get what I wanted?

I was so fucking done with everything! I slammed my door and fell over, my body collapsing onto my bed. I let the tears flow and they stained my bed sheets, maybe then the ‘universe’ pitied for me.

I just wanted to fall in love. I was ready. 

----

part 4

----

The leaves were gone and they had been replaced with ice and snow. I fell over three times when walking to school this morning, and there were little bits of ice stuck to my eyelashes. I missed summer. I missed how the birds would wake you up in summer, and how there was always at least one bee circling around your head in spring.

  It’s been almost a year now, since the day I found out who my soulmate was. I still felt ready, but the universe thought different. I didn’t complain anymore, though, I didn’t go on Facebook to find him, and I didn’t listen to the annoying voice in my head that said I was never going to meet him. I tried to enjoy life, even if life had made that very difficult.

There was a rumour about a new boy; the girls were all crazy about it. I hadn’t heard his name, but people had been talking about him all day. At first I didn’t really mind, lots of kids arrive in the middle of the year without any fuss, but I had the feeling this one might be different. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, though, I had learned that the hard way.

So I tried to pay as little attention to the small name on my wrist as possible, and it helped. I still woke up with Phil on my mind, and went to sleep with him, but it wasn’t desperate anymore. I was patient, ready, maybe then the universe would finally listen to me.

  Matt and I were currently eating in the cafeteria, Jack obviously on Matt’s lap. I had trained myself not to be jealous of their perfect relationship, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. The way they kissed each other gently after their rare disagreements, and the way Matt’s hand was permanently glued to Jack’s lower back, it just made my stomach ache for the same, but with someone else.

“Dan, are you done with copying my maths notebook?” I looked up from my food and grabbed Matt’s book to give it to him. I dropped it in front of him instead of handing it to him and I heard him sigh, because I wasn’t paying attention and I hadn’t been paying attention all day. I was tired and exhausted from winter, and I just wanted to go home.

The bell rang too soon and I hoisted myself up from the bench, walking towards class with my head hanging low. Matt and Jack were right behind me, Matt’s hand in Jack’s back pocket, and I turned my head away from them.

“Good morning, Dan.” My teacher greeted me, and only me, and I quickly nodded my head to draw the least attention to myself as possible. I already was ‘the teachers’ pet’, and I didn’t want to be bullied for it.

I sat down and watched Matt take his place a couple of tables away from me. More and more people arrived and soon enough the whole classroom was filled with chatter and laughter.

“Everyone! Quiet down, please!” Our teacher started shouting immediately because over the years she had leaned that being soft and kind wasn’t going to help with this class. Then clapped her hands a few times and I could see some movement behind the door, but it was too little to make out something, or someone.

“Sarah, sit down! Pay attention everyone!” Her voice was high pitched and unbearable to listen to for a whole hour, so I leaned back and tried to concentrate on the snow quietly falling down. It was peaceful and looking outside was the only way for me to survive this class.

“We have a new student joining us today.” The words my teacher spoke pulled my out of my trance, and I slowly turned my head to look at her. The rumours were true, there was going to be a new boy!

The movement behind the door became clearer and I knew it was the boy, but I couldn’t make out any of his features because the big wooden door was still blocking him from everyone’s sight.

“Please be nice to him, he just moved here, and I don’t want any of you to ruin it for him!” She pointed her finger at some people in my class, and they faintly snickered, not listening to her anyway. I hoped he could take a joke, or else he was going to have a hard time here.

My teacher walked to the door and opened it, revealing a boy I hadn’t expected to say the least. He was tall and lean, and all the eyes were suddenly on him. Mine too.

His black hair was what caught my eye at first, it was cut in a fringe similar to mine and I could see some light brown roots on the top of his head. It was gorgeous, and as cliché as it may sound, his hair shone in the sunlight. But that wasn’t all. He was wearing black skinny jeans, the kind you never see around here, and underneath I could see he was wearing two different socks, and I chuckled at the sight. He was the perfect mix of punk rock and adorable.

He was tall, at least two heads taller than my teacher, and he had broad shoulders. I studied every inch of him, because I couldn’t deny he wasn’t attractive. His shirt hugged his torso perfectly, the blue contrasting with the paleness of his skin, and even the small freckles on his arm were adorable. He was holding a jacket, which had a nebula pattern on it, and his bag hung over his shoulder and caused his shirt to wrinkle just under his shoulder. He was slightly muscled, and it suited him beautifully.

I felt slightly guilty for checking him out so publicly, because I still had to meet my soulmate and I couldn’t possibly fall in love with him! But on the other hand, looking at him gave me a weird ache in my stomach and I bit my lip at the thought that maybe…

“Well, why don’t you introduce yourself?” My teacher interrupted my train of thought rudely and I glared at her, but only for a second because the boy’s eyes found mine when he looked at the class, and my breath got stuck in my throat.

His eyes were blue, light blue, and the sun reflected in them and I could see spots of green and brown and it was so unbelievably rude to stare at a stranger for such a long time, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Um… Hi.” His voice carried through the class and it was low, but not heavy or dark. I could very easily imagine his voice whisper certain thing-

I mentally slapped myself for thinking such things, and focussed on him again. He gave the class a quick wave with his right hand, and his sleeve rode up just a bit so I could see the black tattoo on his wrist. It was handwriting, just like everyone else’s tattoos on their wrists, and it was clear he already knew who his soulmate was.

“My name is Phil Lester.”

My heart jumped up at the words and I felt all the blood rush to my face. Had I heard it correctly? Phil. The name I had mesmerized every evening.Phil Lester, whose name was written on my skin, stood in front of me.

I swallowed a couple of times but the lump in my throat didn’t disappear, it only grew. I felt Matt’s eyes bore their way into my back because he knew too, but I couldn’t pay attention to him. All I could think of, all I had eyes for, was right in front of me. With his blue eyes and his friendly smile that made the sun dull.

My heart was raging in my chest and the adrenaline shot through me. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and counted to three, and held my left wrist in front of my face.

Phil Lester.

Before I could think I shoved my chair backwards and stood up, facing the boy whose face was so much better than I could’ve imagined.

----

part 5

----

My hands were sweating and all eyes were suddenly on me. I didn’t know what’d gotten into me when I rose from my chair, but I had still done it. I felt a strange numbness in my toes and I couldn’t move, my stomach exploding with too many butterflies because he was looking at me.

“Can I help you?”

I blinked and looked at my teacher, breaking eye contact with Phil. The butterflies in my stomach were gone and suddenly I was curling my fingers hard into the side of my thigh, embarrassed. My cheeks turned an awful shade of red while I looked around, finding all my classmates’ eyes burning into me.

  “N-No…” I mumbled, my voice breaking the slightest bit. I wasn’t used to so much attention, and I didn’t like it. But it was also my own fault.

I searched for Phil’s gaze again, and our eyes locked when I stared into his diamond blue eyes. Swallowing, I hoped he was feeling the same thing I was feeling, burning cheeks and a stomach swirling with tingles and butterflies. I hoped he felt the connection I was feeling, but I couldn’t see it in his eyes. So I just raised one eyebrow and smiled, sitting down and letting my shoulders fall.

He didn’t show any kind of recognition, and I knew he didn’t know my name yet, but I had felt this ‘connection’ for months, and I was afraid he didn’t feel the same for me. Did he even have my name on his wrist, and not just someone else’s? I grew worried and my legs tingled and itched because I wanted to run up to him and shake his shoulders, shouting I was the one he was looking for and that I loved him, but I couldn’t do that. I had already embarrassed myself enough.

Phil was pointed to a seat not far from me, but he was sitting a couple of tables behind me so I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t turn around either when he sat down and said hi to the girl next to him, the reason for that being I was too shy, and had probably freaked him out already.

I could hear his voice behind me though, the vibes sending shivers through my spine. I had the constant urge to kiss him and tell him about my feelings, but I had to bite my lip and suck my feelings up, because he didn’t even know me at all.

It bothered me that I was hearing his voice a lot in class, and he was talking to the popular kids a lot too. He couldn’t befriend them! He needed to befriend me. Why couldn’t he just walk up to me and kiss me, so I didn’t have to walk up to him and take courage. It seemed he had plenty of courage unlike me, his laugh breaking the silence in class often, and I was jealous of him and the people he was talking to.

I was so close to him, much closer than I had even been before, but I felt much more distant. When I hadn’t known him yet, I felt our connection and I would imagine our picture perfect meeting, kissing in the sunset, and I would feel so close to him. But now I could see his eyes, practically rejecting me, and I didn’t have one bit of courage to walk up to him and tell him it was I whose name was written on his wrist.

I buried my head in my hands and silently whished for my teacher to call me out, just because Phil would hear my name, and then maybe he would come up and talk to me first.

-

Class ended sooner than I’d hoped, and I lost Phil in the crowd when I was walking through the hallway. Matt was still behind me, calling out my name and I knew he wanted to talk, but I wasn’t in the mood.

I wanted to follow Phil to the cafeteria, but I found myself walking to the men’s bathroom. Opening an empty stall, I sunk to the floor and hid my face in my hands again, but this time I did it out of shame for myself instead of hiding from the people from my class.

“Why do you have to be such a pussy…” I whispered to myself, and banged my head backwards so it hit the tiled wall of the stall.

“Dan, you’re not a pussy.”

Matt’s voice was close to me and I knew he was on the other side of the door, waiting for me to get out. I sighed and shook my head.

“I am though, my fucking soulmate walked into class and all I could so was stare at him. I couldn’t even open my mouth! How does that make you feel?” I raised my voice and tugged at my hair. I regretted my reaction in class, but I couldn’t go back in time and re-do our meeting.

“Remember when you had to set up a blind date in order to get me to talk to my best friend? Dan, everyone is scared when they meet their soulmate, you don’t have to be embarrassed about anything.”

Matt carefully opened the stall’s door I forgot to lock, and he crouched down next to me.

“Care for lunch with me and Jack? You’ll talk to Phil later, he won’t run away.”

I nodded and let him pull me up. He rubbed my back firmly and I wiped away a single tear in the corner of my eye. I wasn’t going to cry over Phil, because Matt was right, I had plenty of time to talk to him, show him my feelings.

We walked towards our table in the cafeteria, and Matt waved at Jack with his loving smile on his face. I searched the room for Phil, but I couldn’t find him or hear his voice, so I let my gaze follow Matt’s footsteps and I sat down opposite of them at our table.

“Hi…” I greeted Jack, Matt doing the same with a kiss on his lips, and my depressed greeting earned me two concerned looks.

“Dan, don’t be upset, eat a donut.” Jack held out his lunch bag and I rolled my eyes and smiled, not turning down his donuts.

“I presume Matt already told you…” I mumbled while biting down in my donut, and Jack nodded. He wasn’t in our previous lesson, but there wasn’t a thing he didn’t know because the first thing Matt did was text Jack as something exciting happened.

“He doesn’t hate you, he just doesn’t knows you yet. There’s no reason to hate you, Dan. You’re lovely. Please eat your donut and smile.”

And I did, because they were, again, right. I didn’t have any reason to be sad or grumpy about this, because Phil had been here for barely three hours and there were so many years left on this school. I could start talking to him tomorrow, of the day after that-

Behind me, I heard a familiar laugh. It interrupted my thoughts and donut eating, and I almost turned around before realising who it was that was laughing. It was Phil. He was laughing about something one of his new friends said, and I felt the jealousy boiling up already.

His voice rose from the table behind me again, and I recognized Maggie’s and Eva’s voice along with his. They were both laughing about something Phil had said, and I hoped they knew he was gay, or at least had a male soulmate, because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to handle this.

“Dan, don’t pay attention to it.” Matt told me, placing his hand over my arm to get me to look at him, but I shook my head.

“What if he becomes one of those popular pricks? He’s already sitting with Maggie and you know… They’re just that group everyone knows about and I just want him for myself.” I whispered the last part and cautiously looked around, hoping Phil hadn’t heard my hopeless cries for love.

But everything I told Matt and Jack were true, I didn’t want to lose Phil before I even met him. I didn’t get along with the popular kids, I didn’t like girls like Maggie, who fucked everything that moved in order to get attention.

What if Phil became part of that group? I would probably lose Phil forever, him becoming a copy of Jeremy, who bullied the ‘nerds’. I didn’t want to see Phil doing that, with his mismatched socks. He didn’t belong there; he belonged with me. Only I had no idea how to make that clear as I was still stuck to my chair, too shy to say a word to him.

----

part 6

----

A month passed and I still heard Phil’s voice behind me every day. It was taunting me and I felt him grow further away from me every day. He hung out with Jeremy and Maggie now, going to their parties and hangouts where I was afraid he would drink too much, because I still cared for him.

It had been a very long month, a month where I had grown sick of my own behaviour. I didn’t want to be the shy boy anymore, who turned red whenever someone pointed a finger at him; I wanted to be like Phil and his friends. But I couldn’t change myself.

I had tried, though, I stood in front of my mirror every week, telling myself to be brave and stand up for myself, but once I set foot in class I lost all courage immediately and buried myself under my grey jumpers and hoodies. If someone paid any attention to me, apart from Matt of Jack, I would feel the blush on my cheeks and eyes on my back, and all I seemed to be able to do was look at the ground.

Today was another one of those days, where I felt like I was looking down more often than looking in front of me. I had spent my lunch in the library because Matt was sick, and I felt safe. Jeremy’s gang would leave me alone when I was in here.

They always sneered at me, their words cutting deep into my skin. I wish I could ignore them, but I couldn’t. Their insults never stopped because everyone knew I was ‘that gay boy’ who everyone could just bully. It felt like they had taken the privilege to shove me against lockers and walls, only ever punching me with words, which hurt just as much.

But the library was safe, safe from Maggie and her boyfriends. I sat at the back, surrounded by stories I would rather spend my time living in. I devoured those stories, read them over and over until pages began falling out and I had to pay for the books.

The librarian knew my name and I was maybe a little bit ashamed of that, but it was better than sitting alone in the cafeteria where everyone could see me. So I came here and gave her a smile as I walked to the back, where the stained orange reading sofa stood.

“Dan, I have a couple of new books that arrived yesterday, you might like them.”

Miss Abby, she told me to call her by her first name, reached over the counter to grab the books she was talking about and I smiled as she handed them over, patting my hand a couple of times before she got back to work.

I took the books to the back, and opened the one on the top. ‘The Universe Versus Alex Woods’, it read, it looked interesting enough and I opened it immediately without even reading the back. My back hurt a little bit because the sofa I had claimed as my own was saggy, but I didn’t care.

I read and read and read, the words sucking me into the story too quickly. I turned the pages and my head was so close to the letters that if there were people around they would’ve told me to buy a pair of glasses. Alex and his story surrounded me completely and I had no eye for the world around me anymore. The springs in the sofa creaked and I sunk down a little bit more as someone sat down next to me, but Alex was just meeting the widower, so I had no interest in looking up.

Minutes passed and the stranger next to me didn’t move or leave, they remained seated and I couldn’t tell if he or she was reading, but I honestly didn’t care. It did feel a bit strange to be here with someone else, because I was always on my own here. The presence of another person made me feel a bit uncomfortable, and it made me unable to be completely consumed by the story I was reading. I felt their eyes watching me, and I started fiddling with the corners too much until I accidentally tore one up. The stranger continued looking at me and I gave up, throwing the book in my lap.

I frowned and was planning to glare at the person until they went away, but when I finally looked up I stared right into a pair of extremely friendly eyes that made my heart thump in my throat. It was Phil, and he was staring at me with his electric blue eyes, which made my fingers tremble and my palms sweat underneath the pages.

“H-Hi…” I stumbled over the single word and wanted to disappear into the fabric of the sofa I was sitting on, but his eyes were on me and the corners of his mouth turned up, which meant that he was smiling and oh my god Phil Lester is smiling at me-

I blushed furiously and I could swear he was too if I had looked at him properly. But I had already turned my gaze away because I was too shy, too much of a loser.

“Hi,” He said, his voice light and friendly, “I was just…” He pointed down at my lap –while blushing, I knew for sure– and I followed his finger. Was he pointing at my book, or my wrist? His name wasn’t visible during that time, but he could have easily seen it during the time he had been sitting next to me.

“T-The book.” He muttered, and then immediately stood up. I frowned and looked at him, he was rubbing the sides of his legs while seemingly searching for words, but none came. I wanted to say something, start our first conversation, but he suddenly rushed away, and disappeared behind the bookshelves.

I closed my book quickly and pushed myself up from the sofa, I had to follow him. I searched behind all the bookshelves but he was fast, I couldn’t find him anywhere! With the book still clutched in my hand I walked to the front of the library, where all the other students were spending their time reading or doing homework. Abby smiled when she saw me with one of her new books, and I approached her so I could borrow it.

“You like the book I see?”

I smiled and nodded, handing her the book so she could scan it. It took her some time because the computers at our school are always lagging, so I tapped against her desk with my fingers.

“Abby? Have you seen a boy here? He’s about as tall as I am and has black hair.” I asked, because it couldn’t hurt. I still had to find him and the only way out of the library was by passing Abby’s desk.

“Sorry dear, I haven’t… Why? Are you looking for him?”

“Um… I was just… He borrowed my English notes and I need them back.” I lied, mumbling something because I probably shouldn’t be telling the librarian I was rushing after my soulmate; that would have looked weird.

She furrowed her brows a little bit but before she could question me again, I turned around so I could avoid her hearing. There were a couple of people behind me so I kept my gaze down to prevent me from making a fool of myself.  

“Howell! You forgot your book!” Abby called after me, and I froze.

I quickly turned around and grabbed the book from her desk and I wanted to rush off immediately but before I could do so, I bumped into something tall and soft. It was a person.

“H-Howell?” His voice was soft and his eyes were blue, and I stumbled backwards with my book clutched to my chest. Phil raised his arm and looked at his wrist, stroking the name with the thumb of his left hand. I could feel my breath escaping me and it was like there were suddenly ten rocks in my stomach, making all my breaths heavy and painful.

His eyes locked with mine for a second but before he could grab me or speak another word to me I turned around and ran off, tears blurring my vision as I escaped the library.

----

part 7

----

I had been avoiding Phil for almost a week now. When I saw him in the hallways I turned the other way around and I didn’t listen to him when he was sitting behind me. I didn’t read the note he placed on my table the other day and I didn’t listen to Matt when he told me Phil had come to talk to him about me.

I didn’t know what was happening, why I was suddenly so shy and afraid of rejection. That boy was my soulmate! But no matter how hard I tried to stay still when he was approaching me, I felt like I couldn’t face him after what had happened, I was too embarrassed.

On Tuesday, about a week after the library incident, Matt called me for some sort of intervention. At first I didn’t want to go, but Matt was my friend and I couldn’t do that to him.

“Dan, you’ve been acting really strange lately, and I talked to Phil again yesterday, why won’t you talk to him?”

I sighed and tried to break free from Matt’s iron grip on my arm, but it was no use.

“Because I made a fool of myself and he’s my soulmate and I’ve been avoiding him. He is probably really angry with me.”

“No he’s not.” Matt dragged me to the benched outside and he sat me down in front of him. “He’s your soulmate Dan, what do you think that means?”

“I don’t know…” I lied, because I did know what that meant. It meant he cared for me in the same way I cared for him, it meant we were destined and that we were perfect together. He wouldn’t be angry with me; that was impossible.

“It means you are made for each other. He can’t possibly be angry with you!” Matt’s voice became louder and people looked over their shoulder to see what was happening. I was sat on the bench with drooping shoulders while my friend was shouting at me about love; it probably looked like I didn’t even want to meet my soulmate. Which wasn’t true.

“Dan, just talk to him.” Matt sat down next to me and laid his right hand on my shoulder.

I considered saying ‘okay’ to him, but then I remembered I was a shy kid who never had the courage to talk to others. I chickened out whenever I was invited to a party (not that I ever was) and my face became red if people spoke more than one word to me. How could I possibly walk up to my soulmateand tell him about my feelings and that I was sorry? The thought only made my knees shake and my heartbeat throb in my stomach.

So instead of saying what I wanted to say, the only thing I managed to respond was “I can’t.”

When I looked at Matt again I could almost see the disappointment in his eyes. But instead of bailing on me, like every sane person would so because I was just being a massive, inveterate loser, he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up to my feet.

“I will make you talk to him.” He announced, and pulled me inside the school again.

-

Phil was wearing a yellow top today. It had a Pokémon on it but his back was turned to face me so I couldn’t see it properly. It may have looked a bit childish, but this was Phil and to me that top still looked sexy.

At the moment he was talking to Jeremy, who made my stomach jump just a little because Jeremy was most definitely the worst influence you could get in this school, but I didn’t do anything about it.

Matt had dragged me to he knew where Phil was, music class, and he was guarding the door to prevent me from walking away.

“I don’t want to do this.” I whispered to him. I was already shaking and with all Phil’s friends in the room I was prepared for the worst. There were too many people in the room and I didn’t have the guts to approach Phil like this. All those people would be watching and it would go public and it would ruin Phil’s reputation and it would all be my fault.

I felt my stomach tightening and I was ready to hide behind a corner if someone made eye contact with me, but Matt nudged my back to push me forward.

“Give me a minute!” I hissed to Matt, he was way too impatient and I needed to take my time with this. I knew I couldn’t avoid Phil anymore, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t take my time with this.

“Suck it up, Dan!” I got as a response, and I would’ve rolled my eyes if I weren’t so nervous.

Suddenly I heard some laughter in the corner Phil was standing, and Jeremy made quick eye contact with me. Were they talking about me? I frowned and tried to hear their conversation, but they were whispering.

Still, Jeremy wouldn’t have made eye contact with me after laughing if it wasn’t because of me. Did it sound like a bad or a good laugh? I bit my lower lip and tried to think of the exact sound of the laugh again, but Matt poked me in the back again and I didn’t know anymore.

I took two steps forward, not enough to hear Phil yet, but it was a bit closer. To anyone sitting in this room it must’ve looked like I was trying to slowly rob the music classroom, but no one was really paying attention to me so that didn’t matter.

Jeremy found my gaze again and this time he smiled at me, to which I could only frown more. What was going on there? Phil turned around a little so I could see the Pokémon on his shirt was Charmander, and he made eye contact with me too.

I started sweating and didn’t know where to look. Phil’s eyes were blue as ever and I wanted to be able to look him in the eye, but I couldn’t do that without shaking and coming off as a total fool.

Jeremy stepped away from Phil and came walking towards me. Each step felt like a stab in the heart and he was towering over me even though I was taller. I prepared myself for another nasty comment about my sexuality and squeezed my eyes shut in case he wanted to hit me for a change, but he walked right past me. I felt a light pat on my shoulder to which I flinched, but other than that he kept smiling at me and swear I could see him trying to get a glance at my wrist.

I turned around to follow him with my gaze, to see what he was doing, but he just walked out of the door and when I turned back around Phil was gone.

“What just happened?” I asked Matt, hoping he could still hear my whispers because they were becoming quieter with every word.

“Nothing. Phil’s over there…” Matt pointed at one of the doors to the little practice rooms, and I could see Phil’s silhouette through the semi-transparent matt glass. “Go on.” Matt encouraged me further, and this time I did take a few more steps forward.

Phil was alone now, and I could approach him and talk to him without everyone staring. It made me less nervous, but nevertheless, I still had to talk to him what made me nervous enough.

I approached the door slowly and I could hear my heart in my throat. It was hard to swallow and if someone or something moved it would probably scare me shitless. The door was so close now and I could reach the handle without sticking my hand out all the way.

Everything came down to this. If I screwed this up my soulmate would hate me forever and my life would be like one of those people who lost their soulmate or never even met their soulmate. I reached out and grabbed the door handle and pushed it down, causing the door to click open and with a little force I pushed it further.

Phil was standing in the middle of the room with a few wires in his hands, probably to plug in the electric guitar or microphone. He turned around as soon as he heard me come in, and I couldn’t hear my own breathing over the beating of my heart in my chest. His eyes looked at me and the corners of his mouth turned slowly upwards when his gaze locked mine.

Swallowing hard, I took another step forward and closed the door behind me, not breaking eye contact with Phil for one moment. This was it. This was the moment I opened my mouth and started talking. I was still shaking a little bit, but for some reason Phil calmed me down and I didn’t feel as nervous as before.

I smiled at him and realized that if I didn’t start speaking fast he would probably think of me as a freak and question me. “H-Hi…” I stumbled, and watched as his mouth formed a proper smile.

---

part 8

----

“I was wondering when you’d show up.”

My face flushed at the words Phil said, and I looked at my feet thinking of a good response. I couldn’t come off as a weirdo or a stalker or something, no; I had to be spontaneous and nice in order for him to like me.

“Y-Yeah… Sorry.”

Fuck. That wasn’t really spontaneous and nice. I shuffled backwards and looked at him again. He had this nice smile plastered onto his face permanently, and it was bugging be because he couldn’t be this perfect, right? Didn’t he ever get sick of people?

“You don’t have to be sorry. I get it.” He said in his soft tone, and I blushed again. “I’m Phil, I believe we haven’t properly introduced ourselves.” He said with a laugh in his voice, and I let out a giggle.

“I know, and I’m Dan…”

We were now past the introduction stage of the conversation, but I had no idea how I went from that to the stage where I said he was my soulmate and everything. I felt lost in my head and his blue eyes weren’t helping either.

“Um… I-I need to, uh…” How did this whole ‘conversation’ thing work again? I chocking on my words because I needed to make clear I was sorry for running away in the library while at the same time being nice and open about it, and also telling him I really liked him because he was my soulmate. It was too much for one sentence and my head was about to implode –or explode, I didn’t know anymore- when Phil placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and opened his mouth while his eyes searched for mine.

“Dan, you don’t have to be nervous.” He stepped closer and I almost wanted to take an extra step back before I remembered he was my soulmate and he would probably never hurt me.

“Yes I do, be-because you’re…. you’re it. I can’t screw this up because you’re my-my…” Breathe, breathe Dan, please don’t panic. I was screaming at myself in my head and my shoulders were shaking under his hand. “S-Soul…” The word didn’t come and my throat was so sore I just closed my mouth again.

No! Why couldn’t I just say this? How was this even a hard thing to say? Everything was one big soup in my head and I was drowning in my thoughts and feelings and insecurities, and most of all my worries.

“Dan, it’s okay.” Phil stroked down my left arm and gently took my hand in his. He pulled it closer and I didn’t once think of pulling back or struggling because his fingers were soft and gentle and I felt at home.

His eyes tore away from my face and he looked down at the hand he was holding. My palm was turned upwards and his eyes glided over his own name. Shivers ran over my back and I felt like I was being judged. It wasn’t like he didn’t know before; it was just so real all of a sudden.

His eyes found mine again and I smiled shyly, not really wanting to be too forward. I was so caught in between feelings I didn’t really dare to do anything, so I just stood there waiting until he said something.

Suddenly Phil stuck out his arm and for the first time I saw the gentle letters that represented my name on his arm. It looked surreal; the thought that he had been walking around with my name on his arm was surreal. But it was there and it was real.

“I have your name too, you know, you’re not alone.” He said, and I smiled while stretching my right arm forward to gently stroke my name on his arm. His skin was a bit cold but it was soft and light and I felt his blood pulsating through his arm under my name.

“I like it. T-The choice, I mean. I like the fact that you are my soulmate. Y-You seem nice, um… we-we would be quite alright… I mean…” I was still staring at our wrists next to each other, and I felt his gaze on me but I was too shy to look up. “I mean I didn’t expect it… for y-you to be a boy. I was so-so fixed on my soulmate being a girl, and-and I feel so bad for saying this but once I found out it was you I felt devastated.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and still avoided his eyes. “But now, now it’s good. I’m glad it wasn’t a girl. I’m glad it is y-you.”

“Shh…” He whispered, and I shut my mouth quickly because I was rambling and not even listening to myself anymore. His left hand, the one without my name, found my chin and he slowly tilted my head upwards so our eyes met.

“I like it too.” His voice was calm and comforting, the soft vibrations echoing in the music room and those four words were completely perfect. “It wasn’t a surprise for me, I’ve known I was into boys for a while, but you seem so much better than all those other boys.”

My cheeks flushed red again and warmth spread throughout my body. He was lighting me up and setting me on fire, it felt amazing.

His index finger stroked up and down my jawline and he brushed over the little hairs. Little goose bumps appeared there and it felt electrifying. His touch was like a drug and I knew I couldn’t possibly cope without him anymore.

We stood there for a minute. No talking, only our breathing filling the room, and it felt amazing. I felt complete, but when I looked at him I still felt like I needed to do something else. But when I thoughts about it only one thing came up in my head, and I wasn’t sure if he wanted that too.

“D-Do I have t-to kiss you now?”

----

part 9

-----

Phil didn’t kiss me that day. Here’s what happened instead.

“Our love isn’t obligatory, Dan. You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want that.” – Really, I wanted it. I was just too shy to say it. – “I can be your friend too. Soulmates can be friends.”

Friends.

The word must have echoed inside my head a million times after I rushed out of the music room that was slightly too small and damp. I may have left him taken aback with my reaction, but I didn’t really mind at the moment. I needed to escape and I needed to think.

“Dan! What happen- Dan?” Matt was still waiting for me just around the corner, and when I ran past him he tried to grab my arm but missed, so I sped up my pace and escaped him too.

Friends. He wanted to be my friend. What had I done wrong? I gave him the wrong intentions, probably. Things would be different if I would’ve kissed him right away, that’s what I should’ve done.

  My words had been too insecure, too hesitant and shy, and no one fell for a shy, awkward kid. I wouldn’t fall for a kid like me. I had a weird red spot on my cheek and only one dimple, my shoulders were slouched because I was too tall and my hair was greasy because I had to straighten it every day. I wasn’t attractive and I wasn’t confident and Phil was, because he stood straight and his hair shone and he took care of himself because he probably knew he was fucking hot whereas me, I was just a stupid kid.

Reaching the front door of the school, I ran out. I had no idea where I was going and I didn’t know if I still had a class or not, so I just ran. I was panting and my heart was raging, I never exercised much so running this far did no good to me, still I didn’t stop.

Once I knew no one could be following me, I walked up to a tree and slammed my fist hard against its bark.

“Fuck!” I yelled, my voice echoing in the forest.

I had fucked it up so bad. How could I ever face Phil again? He would probably still smile at me like nothing was wrong, one of the things I hated about him at the moment, and his words would still be kind and soft. But I bet you; he was probably very disappointed with me. It was like I had given up on him by running away, and if I came crawling back and asking for his love, that would make me even more of a pathetic loser.

I started crying. And when I was tired of crying I went home, where I could bury my face in my pillow and cry even harder.

-

Today hadn’t been better. Matt tried to talk to me all day, which made me mad, because I told him to leave me alone and he refused to listen. I also saw Phil a lot, which made me mad too. He was, like I told you, still smiling and talking to his friends like nothing happened, but I noticed the little glances at me.  

I could see he wanted to talk to me too, but unlike Matt, Phil was nice and was probably waiting for me to talk to him first so he would be sure him talking to me wasn’t bothering me. But I wasn’t going to take the first step. I wasn’t going to crawl back to him like a baby.

So I spent my day mostly alone, eating in the bathroom because I was afraid Phil would come looking for me in the library or the cafeteria, and sitting alone in class to avoid Matt’s annoying chatter all day.

I thought it would help, avoiding all responsibilities so they eventually faded away and life would be normal again, but it worked rather counterproductive to say the least.

Eating alone caused my mood to die even worse, and avoiding Phil made me feel guilty –which I was, but I didn’t want to admit that of course. I knew I eventually needed to talk to him, but nevertheless I still kept walking away from where he was standing.

-

Maths was boring again, as always, so I stared out of the window while my teacher talked about the previous test. I had an A - obviously also a good reason for everyone to call me a teacher’s pet - and I didn’t feel the need to pay that much attention. I could feel Matt’s eyes on my back but I didn’t turn around.

I felt bad and guilty for not talking to him, so I just stopped looking at him. It only made it worse, I knew that, but I still did it.

At the end of class I was almost falling asleep until the loud ringing of the bell woke me up from my tasteless daydream. I packed my bag and left the class early to avoid trouble as usual. I hurried to my locker when suddenly; someone harshly grabbed my upper arm.

“Dan, come with me. We need to talk.”

At first I was afraid it was Phil, who was angry with me for ignoring him all week, but it wasn’t his voice. I had heard it before, but I didn’t know who it was. I tried to pull away from this person’s grip but he was strong, probably on the football team, and he kept pulling me away from the crowd.

My heartbeat sped up a bit and I started to worry about this person being someone like Jeremy or one of his shit friends, and I tightened my stomach to prepare myself for a punch, but it never came.

Once we stood still I could slightly turn around, and when I did I saw it was just Jack. Matt’s boyfriend who I almost never talked to except when he was with Matt.

I sighed in relief and let my back hit the wall so I could come to terms with my raging heartbeat and myself.

“Dan, you’ve been acting really strange, what’s up?” Jack asked, and I looked up at him.

Of course he was right, you had to be fucking thick not to notice my strange behaviour, so it was only a matter of time before this would happen.

“Is it Phil?” He asked me again when I didn’t answer, and I nodded.

“I messed up.” I said quietly. I could lie to him but it would require me to lie myself out of this and I wasn’t in the mood for that.

“You didn’t. I know what happened, Matt told me you talked to him and ran away afterwards, so I’m guessing you guys didn’t kiss.”

I shook my head and avoided his gaze. We were crammed behind a block of lockers and it was too small for my liking but Jack was still lightly holding my upper arm so I couldn’t run away.

“Hey, I know how you feel. Soulmates are scary as hell. Especially when they’re not exactly what you expected.” Jack let go of my arm but I didn’t walk away. “When I figured out my best friend was my soulmate I was so scared. I didn’t talk to him for almost a whole month! And eventually I didn’t even take the first step, you did.”

I chuckled because I could still remember the day I had brought them together. It was priceless to see them together for the first time in a month, but other than it making me happy, it also made me slightly jealous. But now that I had my own soulmate and I didn’t have to be jealous anymore, only I still was. Their relationship was perfect whereas mine was already ruined before anything had happened.

“And I’m still thankful for that, Dan.” Jack continued, “But not all things go as great. We have arguments, and some days aren’t as good as others, but that’s all part of it! You don’t have to like him as a boyfriend on the first day, he’s still a stranger to you and you have to get to know him in order to fall in love.”

“But I do like him! He doesn’t like me because he turned me down, and I know it’s because I was acting like a twat and he is so confident and… and perfect and I-I’m just… Dan.” I banged the back of my head against the lockers hard. “I’m just Dan.”

“Well ‘just Dan’, I know for a fact that Phil didn’t turn you down,” Jack locked eyes with me and rested his hand on my shoulder for comfort. “he was just worried. I can see you are nervous when you talk about Phil, and he probably thought you weren’t ready, so he felt obligated to take things slow, for you.”

My head shot up at his words and I started shaking my head as I felt tears tease the insides of my eyes. “Well that makes me even more pathetic! He must think I’m some sort of baby who isn’t ready for anything.” I almost started yelling and my voice echoed a bit too loud in between the lockers so I quickly shut my mouth again.

“He doesn’t. Why do you think he’s so patient with you? He still loves you, even if it’s just as a friend, Phil loves you.”

I shook my head more fiercely.

“Yes he does, now please, go talk to him.” Jack spoke with confidence and I almost believed him, but I couldn’t just go talk to Phil after what happened!

“I can’t, I just…” I sighed and tried to hold back the tears, being somewhat successful after years of practice.

“Dan, he won’t be mad at you, that’s why he’s your soulmate. You’re made for each other remember? Matt’s and mine arguments are extremely rare and we always make things up, so he can’t be mad at you. You’ve done nothing wrong, and now he’s probably just extremely worried. So give him another chance.”

Another chance. The words echoed in my head and it made me reconsider.

I still couldn’t completely believe Jack, because I had still been an absolute loser in front of my soulmate, but he was kind of right. I mean, he probably was worried, and not even mad because that just wasn’t Phil, so I could try…

“And?” Jack asked me because I was staring at the floor, lost in my thoughts, and hadn’t even responded yet.

“Yeah…” I replied, and I saw him smile the slightest bit. He let go of my shoulders and I stepped away from him, immediately hitting the lockers.

“We should probably get out of here.” Jack joked, and I nodded. “Walk with me to the bus?”

I shook my head, biting my lip.

“Sorry, next time, I-I have to go… talk to someone.”

----

part 10

----

When I saw Phil he was surrounded by his friends, as usual. I stayed back for a moment because they still scared me, with their snarky comments and rude gestures towards others. I couldn’t believe Phil liked those people, I mean, what did he see in them? All I could see was the rudeness they treated people with and the satisfaction in their eyes when they brought down yet another innocent student who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But Phil, somehow, saw them as friends and as much as I wanted it, I couldn’t do anything about it.

When the bell rang to announce the next class Phil’s friends slowly walked away and I knew this was my cue to approach him before he started walking himself. Unsurely I took the few steps forward and I felt my heart beat dangerously hard in my chest, but I didn’t let it stop me.

  I had taken the courage to come to this point; I had to finish it.

“P-Phil?” My voice broke almost immediately when I softly pressed a finger into his shoulder to nudge him, and he turned around with a smile on his face. Most of the students had already gone to their classes and we were almost the only ones left. I already knew I was going to skip my next class, so it didn’t bother me we were running late.

“Hey! Dan…” Phil seemed to take his time processing me standing in front of him, which was understandable, I mean I had ran away from him the first time we met.

“Hey… U-Um, I want to-to apologize.” The sentence barely left my mouth the way I wanted it and my lips were quivering, but I didn’t back out.

“What for? You haven’t done any-”

“No, Phil, hear me out okay? I’m sorry for running away the other day.” I took a couple of breaths to calm myself down, and Phil seemed to understand I didn’t want him to interrupt me because he kept his mouth shut. “It was stupid of me, and I regret it. And-And I accept. I mean, um… I want to be your friend.”

Phil’s lips slowly formed a bright smile and I hesitatingly grinned back at him, happy he accepted my apology. He didn’t say anything yet, which worried me, but he didn’t look mad.

“Is it too late?” I asked, studying his face carefully.

“It’s not too late, you shouldn’t worry so much! Actually, I want you to have lunch with me at our table, you seem so alone sometimes.”

His words made my heart glow and I grinned widely at him. It felt good to be accepted again.

I nodded quickly, which made the smile on Phil’s face reappear, and he leaned forward on his tiptoes for a moment. I could see he wanted to lift his arms and hug me, but decided against it in the process. It made me sad to see that, but I couldn’t complain; being Phil’s friend at last was a great accomplishment.

“Great! See you tomorrow!” He waved and I waved back, considering a hug but eventually only lifting my arm. I watched Phil leave and I was already excited for tomorrow.

-

I had a hard time sleeping, and around midnight my excitement had been replaced with worry. What if Phil’s friends didn’t approve of me? I mean, I already disliked most of them, and they had bullied me in the past, so why would they like me? The only one I really trusted was Phil, and if he wouldn’t protect me I wouldn’t be sitting at his table for long.

The next morning I was worn out and had a headache from worrying too much. The sun was bright and hurt my eyes while I walked to school. Matt joined me after a couple of minutes, and after that I couldn’t ignore him anymore.

“So, have you talked to Phil already?” He asked me while nudging my shoulder as some sort of greeting.

“Who told you that?”

“Jack.” Of course… “Well? Have you?”

I sighed, there was no way I could avoid his questions anymore. He had probably waited for this perfect moment for a long time, because I could easily ignore him in the hallways. But right now we both had to go to school, and we both took the same road, so there was no possible way out anymore.

“A bit.” I mumbled. Did mine and Phil’s exchange of words yesterday count as a conversation? “I apologized and he said we could be friends.”

“That’s great!” Matt exclaimed, and gave me a hard slap on my shoulder only a good football player could do. “Are you seeing him today?”

“He invited me for lunch, so I guess. I hope his friends don’t hate me.” My head was still spinning with all the possible hateful comments his friends could give me.

“They couldn’t possibly! Have you seen the look Jeremy gave you when you first talked to Phil?” Matt pointed out, and I did remember. I remembered him smiling at me when I expected a slap and a nasty comment, and he hadn’t been mean to me ever since.

I nodded and Matt smiled knowingly. Sometimes the amount of confidence Matt had in other people scared me, but then again, he was right most of the time. He trusted people easily, something I couldn’t do, and he always helped. I was so grateful he was around.

We arrived at school a little late because we had been talking too much and walking too slowly, so we hurried down the hall and burst through the door of our music classroom. They had already started, most of the kids trying to figure out a way to play the hard chords on the guitars they were holding.

I knew Phil must be in here somewhere, and to avoid him I found an empty room and closed the door firmly. I turned around and searched for a piano, the only instrument I could find my way on. While I looked, I realised I was in the same music room Phil and me almost kissed. I immediately felt weird and didn’t want to touch anything, but I couldn’t leave anymore because then I’d have to face Phil and maybe his friends.

I tried to ignore the memories that this room kept and sat down behind the piano. The keys were cold and I let my fingers glide across all of them, getting used to the feeling of an unfamiliar piano. I pressed a few keys and tones filled the air, then I pressed them a little harder just to get to know the piano better, and shuffled on my chair to get into a comfortable position.

Once I was used to the feeling of the room and the piano, I blocked everything from my mind and started playing. It was one of the sad songs I knew, and it’s tones resonated in the air and hung around for a little while before fading away. The room didn’t have the best acoustics in the world, but it was manageable.

The song I was playing wasn’t hard, but it kept a lot of memories. I always played it when I was sad because it helped me relax. Its slow melody had made me cry before, and when I started thinking about Phil and all the things that had been happening in the last few weeks, I felt the first tears sliding down my cheeks.

I thought about all the times I had cried myself to sleep because I didn’t have a soulmate yet, and after that when I found out my soulmate was a boy. I almost felt guilty because I had spilled so many tears.

More and more tears fell down and the keys got wet the longer I played. I thought about Phil’s blue eyes, and his smile, and it made me cry. Why couldn’t I be the person I wanted to be for him, why did I have to be my own clumsy, awkward self who managed to let his own soulmate reject him?

I must be special to make that happen. I mean, why did I have to be nervous all the time? Phil spoke with such confidence, never stuttering or mumbling, and it made me jealous. But mostly, it made me fall in love with him. He wasn’t perfect, I knew that, but in my eyes he was. He made me feel important, the way he talked to me –even though that didn’t happen often.

And that made me mad, because I wanted to speak to him with that same confidence, that same love he talked with! But I had tried before, and I couldn’t do it. I always ended up mumbling and tripping over my words when I talked to him. I was such a disappointment. I disappointed him and I disappointed myself.

When I finished the song I had to wipe the tears away with shaking hands, and luckily no one had come in that hour. Once I heard the bell I left the music room quietly and followed the rest of the students to my next class.

English class was mostly boring. I sat alone and had my eyes fixed on the boy two seats in front of me. Phil was animatedly chatting with Jeremy and as much as I wanted to ignore them, I couldn’t. Their voices carried all the way to the back of the class where I was sitting, and their laughs filled the classroom every five minutes.

The girls in my class laughed about their jokes too, and I wanted to vomit. Everyone was in trance when they looked at Phil –not that I wasn’t- and I felt and ache in my legs to stand up and tell everyone Phil was mine! I was the one who had his name on my wrist, not any of those giggly girls swooning over him.

Except I wasn’t his, I was barely his friend. I already got nervous when I thought of having lunch with Phil, way to go Dan.

I sighed and rested my arms on my desk, if I could keep Phil’s laughter out of my mind for just a few more minutes, maybe I wouldn’t panic so much. I finished my homework in the last quarter of an hour we had, and then packed my books.

I quickly shoved my notebook in my bag and zipped it up before leaving class, and with nothing on my mind I started thinking about lunch again. We had a 25-minute break and I wondered if Phil would be waiting for me in the cafeteria.

Anxiousness started boiling in my stomach the more I thought of it, but I couldn’t bail out. Phil was counting on me and I had agreed to be his friend, so I had to act like one. I slowly walked up to the cafeteria and when I saw them sitting at a table in the center of the cafeteria.

There were so many people surrounding them, so many judging faces. I didn’t know if I could do this! Whenever I had lunch here I was always in the corner with Matt and Jack, never in the middle. Why did the ‘cool table’ always have to be in the middle?

Honestly, I wanted to bail out. I was nervous and my stomach twisted and turned when I thought of talking to all those people, especially Phil. What would they say to me? And what did I have to say to them? I wasn’t popular, I didn’t do football or soccer, and I didn’t fit!

I began turning around but then I made eye contact with Phil, and he waved me over. A few other people started looking, and my heart sunk. With nothing to lose, I swallowed hard and approached them. 

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part 11

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I couldn’t do this anymore.

I was sat in Phil’s room, playing some sort of game he had picked out and I was completely done with being his friend.

Whenever he moved a hand towards me my heart sped up and I got all nervous and shit and it made me want to take his head in my hands and kiss him hard. My wrist hurt from thinking about it so much and I didn’t know how much longer I could take this. Because I didn’t want to be his friend anymore, I wanted to be more.

  But I was afraid he didn’t see it. He didn’t touch me in the same, affectionate way you touch someone you’re in love with, and most of the time he didn’t even respond to my secret glances during Maths. Of course I wanted to believe it was because he was oblivious as hell and didn’t notice all the little touches and the short glances, but as time flew I started to doubt that theory.

Today was just the same. I stared at him and lost the game and he would playfully hit me with his right arm and then I would blush and he would look away again, as if he hadn’t seen anything. Next thing I know, he goes to the kitchen to get some more snacks and I’m left on the bed with all my thoughts cramped up inside my head, not knowing what to do.  

Later I lost some more games due to staring, and he would ask me what was wrong, because I mostly won, and I would –of course- respond with a simple “nothing”, and then he wouldn’t ask any questions anymore. He would just start up a new game and stir the thoughts inside my head again as he gave me a friendly squeeze.

It was like a tornado inside there, my thoughts swirling around and threatening to spill. I had all these perfect scenarios in my head, about how I would straddle him and kiss him and he would kiss me back and everything would be perfect. About how I was going to talk to him after school, behind the locker room, and he would understand and kiss me afterwards. And I knew that was never going to happen, but I could still fantasize about it, right?

Matt had told me to do something about it, say something to him, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t change my attitude completely and turn into someone who was confident and sure of himself and would easily approach Phil and tell him the truth. I would most likely stutter and trip over my words as they clumsily fell out and he would absolutely laugh at me in the most horrible way.

On my turn, I had told Matt that, but all he did was pat my back and snicker a bit. He thought Phil felt the same way about me, and that I had nothing to worry about, but I didn’t believe him. He only said that because he wanted to make me feel better about myself, not because Phil reallythought the same as me.

He just saw me as a friend. I knew for sure. And if he wanted me to be his friend, I would, because I would never give him up completely. So I sucked my feelings up and played his video games with as much attention as I could. I wanted to make him happy, after all.

“Dan! This is the fourth time in a row you’ve lost today!”

Phil nudged my shoulder with his controller and I pulled of a half smile. “Yeah…” I breathed, and his smile vanished for a moment before he jumped up and stuck out his hand.

“Let’s do something else then!” He exclaimed. I let him grab my hand and he pulled me up. Suddenly I felt his warm breath in my neck and his feet were so close to mine I nearly started sweating, but I couldn’t take a step back because he got me backed up against the bed so I just awkwardly shuffled sideways.

Sadly, he let go of my hand and skipped away in front of me, and all I could do was hastily follow him. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what he was about to do, but it was Phil, and therefore it was probably a very fun thing to do I had never done before.  

He led me all the way to the back of his house, and then wriggled himself through what seemed like a hole in the hedge, and I unsurely followed him. I felt a bit dirty, climbing through the bushes like that, but I desperately wanted to spend time with him, so I sucked it up and continued.

“You know what’s so good about the forest?” He asked me, and I hummed as to let him know I didn’t know what was so good about it because I never came there, all the while trying to avoid getting my hair stuck in all the branches that were hanging loose.

“The absolute nothingness. The freedom.” Phil’s voice became quiet and he looked at the trees and the branches and I just stared along, nodding a bit but not feeling the same way.

I never went to the forest, so maybe that was why it left me so cold, but honestly I didn’t get the feeling of freedom Phil apparently got from being here. The trees were like soldiers, protecting you but also captivating you. And it was so easy to get lost in a forest. Especially when the trees were huddled together and their branches hugged each other while you had to clamber your way through them.

“What do you think, Dan?”

I didn’t like forests at all, but of course that wasn’t what I said. If I were to say something like that Phil would probably turn around right away and have me tell him what to do, because he wanted me to have fun. But I wanted to stay with him. Phil’s face lit up when he did something he liked and it was magical to see just how much energy he put into it, to make it fun for others too. So I smiled at him, my dimple showing, and I walked a little closer to him from now on.

“I like it. It’s quite all right.”

“Quite all right?” Phil giggled, and he bumped my shoulder playfully. “Doesn’t it make you feel free?”

“I don’t know.” I mumbled while kicking a branch out of the way. I didn’t know if the forest made me feel freer or more threatened. All the trees were so tall around me and I was afraid I didn’t see the same freedom Phil saw in this. I suppose the light shining through the tips of the trees was nice, but you didn’t feel the sun here because the branches blocked out the sun. You were in a cage made of green. “I suppose not.”

“Have you tried?” Phil asked, “I think it does feel free, because the forest blocks out my heavy thoughts and for a moment I don’t have to think about anything, I can just be free.” Phil said while lifting his hands to circle them around him in an, I think, ‘freeing’ motion.

“I feel locked.

“I feel like the forest doesn’t want me to feel free because all my thoughts are suddenly locked inside this huge box of brown and green and every time I try to set my mind off of them, they come back three times as hard. I don’t think it’s freeing at all.”

I let my head hang low and avoided Phil’s confusing gaze.

“What do you think about, then?” He asked, his voice quiet and his gaze fixed on the ground. I suddenly had the feeling he perfectly knew what was going on in my head, and before I knew it I had already said it.

“You.”

Blood rushed to my face and my hands were shaking. I couldn’t have just said that, right? I stuttered something irrelevant but there wasn’t a word you could make out of it, so I gave up and looked the other way.

“Really?” Phil asked, his voice still barely audible over the wind that howled through the forest. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you, too…” He admitted, and I blushed even harder.

When I finally looked at Phil he was still calm. His eyes locked with me and they were blue as ever, friendly staring back at me. I was blushing and sweating and I wondered what it took to be as calm as him in this moment, because he just smiled at me like he mostly did and it was freaking me out a bit.

“Do you like me, Dan?” He asked, and now I was a real mess.

“W-Well, I-I… Phil-“ My bottom lip quivered and I took a step back, right into a big puddle of mud. Great. “I- Yes. Yes. I like you.” I clenched my teeth hard and my hands formed fists behind my back.

“Why haven’t you told me?” Phil asked kindly and helped my out of the mud by holding me by my shoulders and pulling me forward. I was suddenly a lot closer to him and my breath got stuck in my throat for the millionth time and-

“Because… Because you said we could be friends and, and I thought you didn’t feel the same way so I just went with it because I don’t want to lose you. You’re my soulmate and if you only want to be my friend then… then that’s what I’ll be. I j-just don’t want to lose you…” I could feel the tears behind my eyelids but I didn’t blink. I took a deep breath and looked at him again, fearing rejection once again.

“Dan… I thought you weren’t ready for a relationship. I thought you needed me as a friend, because you were so nervous back in that music room. I didn’t think you felt for me tha-“

“That’s because you are such an idiot!” I yelled while stepping closer and throwing my hands above my head. Tears stung the corners of my eyes and I snorted. “You didn’t see? I-I am so in love with you Phil and y-you-“

He pulled me closer and crashed his lips into mine, not even letting me finish my sentence. 

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finale

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“Dan!-”

Phil and I were sitting on the floor of my bedroom with heaps of paper lying around us. I was supposed to finish my -already late- Geography paper, but seeing Phil next to me, being all sexy and distracting, I just couldn’t concentrate on the history of the Pacific Ocean.

  “Dan stop staring at me like I’m naked, and concentrate on your paper.” Phil ordered, and I sadly turned away from him. Picking up my pencil once again, I stared at the few sentences and let my head fall against Phil’s chest.

“I can’t do it.” I whined, and he giggled.

“Of course you can babe, just write down what the teacher said and you’re done.”

I eyed him up and down and bit my lower lip. Looking at him in one of my worn out hoodies and those delicious skinny jeans, I decided I still had all day tomorrow to finish this stupid paper.

“Well the thing is, I wasn’t exactly paying attention that day…” I snickered and quickly straddled his hips before he could push me away again. “I was distracted, you see.”

Phil laughed and tried to push me off of him. “I’m sure you were, now finish that paper.”

“No.” I tightened my grip on his legs and ground down on him just for the fun of it. “You’re distracting me.” I simply stated, and enjoyed the perplexed look on his face.

Now that we were dating, I felt a lot more comfortable around him. I felt like he changed me for the better, and when we were alone I wasn’t that shy anymore. Phil, on the other hand, still had to get used to that. So whenever I said or did things like I was doing now, he got a bit flustered.

“D-Dan… Come on, you don’t have time for this!” He tried, but his voice was faltering. I grinned and threw my arms around his neck.

“I know, but I don’t really care…” I locked eyes with him and I knew he was trying to suppress a smile. “I’d rather want you.”

This brought a blush to his cheeks and I giggled. He could be as popular and tough as he liked, protecting me in school, but I could still make him blush like a shy teenager, and I didn’t know what I liked best.

Ever since we started dating people stared more and gossiped more, but as long as Phil was next to me I didn’t feel afraid. He hadn’t been attending this school very long, but he befriended the most popular people, and that had made him invincible. As long as Phil was at my side, his arm draped protectively around me, nothing would hurt me.

But Phil in bed, that was a whole other story.

“Dan get back to work, I mean it!”

“No you don’t.” I giggled, and bit my tongue before I added the fact that I could feel he didn’t mean it…

I lowered my head and let my body relax against his, my arms still hanging around his neck. Our lips melted together, moving slow and in sync until I slowly dragged my tongue over his bottom lip.

His cheeks were bright red, but he opened his mouth anyway and moments later my tongue licked in his mouth and circled around his. Our lips fit together perfectly and I pressed his back against the floor slowly, until I hovered above him on my hands and knees.

“Hm… wanna finish that paper tomorrow?” Phil asked, and I smiled against his lips.

“Yeah…” I whispered, and quickly kissed his lips before I sat up to take my shirt off. 

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[philipsenpai-fics]

You're My Nicotine (1&2)

original upload date: apr 28, 2014

reposted by the author

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He didn’t dance, but his hips swayed to the beat of the music and he had his eyes closed, one hand running through his hair. I parted my lips and sighed, why could I not be so confident? I would be dancing and running my fingers through his hair by now if I was, but I wasn’t.

—-

There, in his black leather jeans and too tight shirt, which accentuated his torso in the best ways, he stood amongst the others. The cigarette he held between his fingers was lit, and he parted his lips to exhale the smoke that was trapped in his mouth. While his eyes followed a boy in a leather jacket he brought the cigarette back to his parted lips and inhaled, his cheeks hollowing in the sexiest way.  I wasn’t aware that I was staring at him with my mind open and my drink almost spilling until his eyes found mine, and he gave me a wink while the fume of the cigarette came from his parted lips. With a burning face I looked away, focussing on my friend, who was talking to me.

‘Phil, you should talk to him.’ The words made me blush harder, was it that obvious I liked him? I shrugged at PJ and slightly shook my head. I was way too nervous to talk to him, with him being undoubtedly one of the most unattainable boys in my year. He hung out with the poplar kids, and never looked at students like me, the nerdy art student. With a barely drank beer in my hand I felt incredibly out of place. The loud music pounded into my ears and I could not hear my friends over the yelling and screaming of other students. When I was invited to this party, I had stared at the text message for about 5 minutes, debating whether I should go or not. Not that the host himself, who at the moment stubbed out his cigarette in the soil of a plant pot, invited me himself. No, my friend PJ invited me, he told me everyone was invited. And he did not lie; the place was crowded.

The words PJ had said still went through my head, but I didn’t know what to do. I kept shaking my head no, but my eyes were still fixed on that gorgeous, slightly ruffled head of brown hair in the middle of the dance floor. He didn’t dance, but his hips swayed to the beat of the music and he had his eyes closed, one hand running through his hair. I parted my lips and sighed, why could I not be so confident? I would be dancing and runningmy fingers through his hair by now if I was, but I wasn’t, and I tore my eyes away from him. With the feeling I had to gain more confidence, I brought my drink to my lips and drowned it quickly. I squeezed my eyes shut with the big amount of alcohol suddenly running through me, but the feeling faded away quickly, making place for the weightless, careless feeling alcohol brought you. I nodded quickly at PJ and he pushed me towards the crowd with a smile, I had convinced myself I had to do this if I wanted to have a good night. I slowly approached the boy in the leather jacket, feeling the alcohol work it’s magic. Before I could say anything to him he turned around, looking at me with his warm brown eyes that did absolutely not fit his personality, but who was I to judge. He was about an inch taller than me, so I had to tilt my head a slight bit to look at him.

‘So you’ve finally decided to join me.’ His voice was soft, and I couldn’t quite concentrate on what he was saying because of the way his slightly chapped lips moved when he talked. I let the words sink in and blushed, looking down. I kept avoiding his gaze when I realised I had no idea what to say to him at all!

No, Phil! You did not come here to stare at your feet and be a fucking pussy. I couldn’t give up in this now that I had started. I swallowed my doubts and looked at him, nodding as confident as possible.

‘I like that very much, I’ve been keeping an eye out for you for quite some time now, time was almost running out.’ He stepped a bit closer, and if I wanted to I could easily close the gap between our bodies. I nodded again, but nodding wasn’t going to bring me anywhere.

‘I thought… why not? There’s just… this…’ He cocked his head to the side and for a second I thought he was going to stroke my cheek. But he didn’t. ‘this… thing about you.’

When my words reached him one corner of his mouth curled up, and he smiled at me. ‘Well, you’ve quite got a thing yourself.’

I moved closer, me arm brushing against the leather of his jacket and a shiver ran through my spine as I looked in his eyes again, getting lost in them. A new song came up, and on the fast beat of it Dan started to sway his hips in rhythm. Around us it was crowded, people pushing each other and dancing to the music. A girl fell against me and pushed me toward Dan, and the gap between our chests closed. Dan kept swaying his hips, and without a warning he brought his hands to my hips and lowered his head.

‘It’d be a shame if you didn’t dance…’ His low voice was close to my ears and his hands guided my hips to sway in the same rhythm as his own. I loosened up more, and with the beat of the music pouncing in my ear I moved to the music, in sync with Dan. I was close to him, closer than I had ever been before. I felt his hot breath against the skin of my neck and I closed my eyes, getting lost in the moment. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, keeping them at the sides of my body and not moving them at all. He noticed it, and with a swift movement he took my hands and led them to the back of his neck. My cheeks flushed red as I felt him lift my arms, pulling me even closer to him than we already were. Our bodies were pushed against each other; my shirt rode up a bit while our hips moved together. A shiver ran over my skin when he let his fingers graze the revealed patch of skin, and his fingers slid further under my shirt. It made my heart pound like crazy, and I was suddenly very aware that his face was so close to mine, our noses almost touching. I could kiss him if I wanted, but I was way too shy for that.

The hand that was under my shirt kept tracing small circles and other patterns over my skin, and I felt him grasp my hip firmer, holding me closer. ‘I’m really glad you came up to me, to be honest I had been staring at you all night…’ His voice was hot against the skin of my ear as he whispered in my ear, and I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. I nodded, and when he pulled back his head he looked me in the eyes, the grin on his face was flirty and oh so sexy… For a moment he broke eye contact to look at my mouth, and back. I knew what was coming, but I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for it.

Slowly, our bodies still pressed together and swaying on the beat of the music, his face came closer until his nose touched mine. He tilted his head and came even closer. My heart was ready to jump out of my chest, pounding harder than ever before. For a moment his lips grazed over mine, and my heart skipped a beat. My legs were shaking and I pulled myself even closer to him, feeling his lips on mine again. And then we were kissing, his lips capturing mine and pressing down softly. We moved in sync to the music, and my eyes were closed just like in the films. Just a moment ago I was too shy to talk to this boy and now I was in his arms, on the dance floor. I felt his hand slide further over my back, and it made me shiver again, I wasn’t used to the touch. Totally unexpected, his lips suddenly parted, and his tongue slid over my bottom lip. I knew where he was getting at, but opening my mouth and inviting him in was harder than I thought. I slowly parted my lips and felt his tongue exploring my mouth. He tasted of cigarettes and mint; it tasted very much like him. Without knowing what to do I let my tongue collide with his, circling it around his. I liked it; I liked the taste and the feeling of kissing someone. My head was tilted to one side and my lips fit perfectly on his, like two puzzle pieces.

He disconnected his lips to catch his breath and his hand moved up to my cheek, stroking the skin on my jaw lightly. I looked briefly at him, and he winked, his mouth curling in a crooked smile showing one of his dimples. Without a warning he captured my lips in another kiss, and he deepened the kiss immediately. The hand on my cheek travelled to the back of my neck and he entangled his fingers in my black hair. I was so close to him, my whole body pressed against him, and it felt so safe but so dangerous. I knew him, sure, and I also had a massive crush on him, but he didn’t know me well. We had spoken before, the conversations we sometimes occupied a very special place in my heart, but he didn’t consider me a friend as far as I was concerned. When he walked by my heart went crazy, my cheeks turning the darkest shade of red possible and my palms suddenly so sweaty. And even though he was so wrong sometimes, hooking up with the wrong people and smoking his cigarettes with the most obscure people in college, I knew he was perfect. His perfect dimples and perfectly styled hair. He wasn’t ever mean to me, always smiling and helping me, but I didn’t have the slightest idea whether I could trust him or not. And now I was kissing him. The most gorgeous boy was suddenly holding me tight and letting his hand glide over my back like I was made of china, like he had to protect me.

I let him part my lips and our tongues danced again, his mouth sometimes tightening around my tongue and sucking on it slightly before letting his tongue enter my mouth again. All I wanted to do was come closer to him; hold him tighter and never letting go if him. His smell surrounded me, the smell of burned cigarettes and worn leather. And the fact that I was just a tad bit shorter than him made it feel like he was protecting me, surrounding me with his care. Even though I didn’t even know if he cared about me. Lost in my thoughts, I almost didn’t notice him breaking the kiss to lean his forehead against mine, his dark brown eyes staring at me.

‘Do you maybe… want to go upstairs?’ His voice was shaky and his question surprised me. It took me a few seconds what going upstairs meant, but when it hit me my head turned flaming red, and my hands started sweating again. Did it mean he wanted…

Swallowing away my insecurities I nodded, not completely realising what I had agreed to. He took my hand and pulled me through the crowd. I searched for PJ, my eyes scanning the people in the room to find him. He was still at the bar, a half-empty beer in his hand. He saw me and lifted one eyebrow, gesturing to the person who was pulling me. I nodded and he raised his thumb, before swallowing a swig of his beer and returning to the person he was talking to. Dan pulled me towards the stairs, and I started climbing them with him close behind me. I was very aware of his eyes on my back and I hurried up the stairs. He led me to his bedroom, a dark room covered in black and white band posters, and if I had to pick a room for him this would be it. His bed was big, and covered with a messy duvet and several cushions. He closed the door behind him and it was silent, the low bass of the music barely audible through the walls. Without thinking I walked up to him and connected our lips again, wanting nothing more than more. His strong but gentle hands led me to the bed and I sat down, the mattress denting in underneath my weight. Without disconnecting our lips he pressed me down, my back against the soft fabric of his duvet, and he crawled on top of me. He straddled my hips with his knees; the feeling was new and exciting, and he tugged at my hair as he kissed me. I let my hands run over his back and slip underneath his shirt, pulling up his shirt a little bit. I didn’t know if I was going too fast or if I had to do more, so I just kind of followed his lead. His lips felt soft on mine, his tongue colliding with mine, his hands running through my hair. I tried not to think about what was coming too much; it made me nervous and anxious. He seemed to know what he was doing, but I never had sex before, and I just hoped he would be patient.

He disconnected our lips and sat up straight, pulling off his shirt in a swift move. His chest was tanned and flat, and you could see the slight curve of his hips above his belt. My shirt was still on, so I removed it as well. I threw it on the floor just like him and I felt his eyes on me, looking at my naked chest. You could see my fast heartbeat and I avoided his gaze, I knew my body wasn’t as perfect as his and I just hoped it didn’t put him off. It didn’t. He laid his hands on my chest and ran his fingers over it, feeling the little hairs I had on my chest. A cold breeze ran over my body as he bent forward, his lips grazing over my earlobe.

‘You’re hotter than I thought.’ His low voice was suddenly ten times sexier than before and I let out my breath that I was holding. It turned me on and I fluttered my eyes shut as he ran his fingers over my hard nipples. He pinched them and rolled them between his fingers, the unusual touch almost made me moan and I felt so stupid that I was already such a mess even though we weren’t doing anything yet.

‘Dan…’ My voice was almost a moan and I wasn’t sure he had heard me, but he had. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me, his brown eyes distracting me from what I wanted to say. I needed to tell him this was my first time, before he assumed otherwise. ‘I… I’ve never…’ I didn’t have to finish my sentence for him to understand. He nodded and sat up again. ‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want that, Phil.’ He told me, his sexy voice gone.

‘No! It’s not like that, I do want it, Dan, it’s just that you know.’ I had the urge to climb back into my shell and hide myself from the world for being so awkward but that wasn’t an option. ‘I want it.’ I said it again, more for myself than for him but he took it as his sign to give me another kiss. His lips were gentler than before, and he laid kisses over my neck and collarbones, leaving a few love bites. His lips were warm on my skin, his tongue gliding over the light skin of my chest. He went lower, and my heart was ready to beat its way out of my chest. My breath was fast and hasty, and I looked down to see him graze his fingers over the buttons on my jeans. He opened them and tugged my jeans down. I had to buck up my hips to get it to go over my hips, and while my jeans were being pulled down lower and lower a cold breeze ran over my naked legs, causing goose bumps to appear on my skin. My head went red when seeing that the outline of my hard-on was clearly visible through my boxers, and Dan could see it too. Here I was, spread out on a strangers’ bed in only my boxers, my heartbeat high and my breath stuck in my throat. He seemed extremely comfortable, and he tried his best to make it as comfortable for me too by gently stroking my legs as he tossed the jeans on the floor. His hands travelled up and felt cold against my sweaty hot skin. They stroked my thighs and he brought his head down to press a kiss directly above my waistband. His lips tickled on my skin and I was so turned on by his hot breath against my skin that I didn’t want to wait anymore. With a hurry I took the waistband of my boxers between my fingers and pulled it down a slight bit. He took the hint and stripped it completely, revealing my hard cock. I tried not to be uncomfortable with him seeing me naked, but I couldn’t help getting a bit flustered. He stroked my thighs and left a lovebite dangerously close to my throbbing length.

‘Is this okay?’ He asked again, which was really sweet, and I nodded. I was horny and needed friction. I felt his fingers stroke up my length and I grasped, not used to the touch. I closed my eyes and focussed on the feeling of him wrapping his hand around my hard cock and moving it up and down. He ran his thumb through my slit and pumped his hand up and down faster, and my breath got stuck in my throat. I wanted to moan out his name but I didn’t know if that’d be okay with him or not, so I just swallowed my moans while he continued moving his hand up and down.

It got harder and harder repressing my moans as he started licking up my shaft, his tongue sliding over my hard cock repeatedly. He took my tip in his mouth and slowly took me in, his lips tight around me making it hard to breath. When he circled his tongue around me and hollowed his cheeks I couldn’t hold it anymore, and I let out a loud moan. What I didn’t expect was that it actually turned him on, causing him to moan around my cock, sending vibrations through my body. He began bobbing his head up and down and I threw my head back, getting lost in sensation. His tongue swirled around my length and I felt the back of his throat hit my tip several times. I grew closer to an orgasm with the second, and I raised my hand to warn him, words being unable to form.

‘D… Dan… so cl-close.’ My voice was shaky and barely a whisper, but he heard it and stopped sucking. He licked up the backside of my length to my tip one more time before he rid himself from his jeans and boxers. He was hard, and big. It wasn’t the first time I had seen someone else naked, or course, but this intimate was new to me. I tried not to stare and acted as normal as possible, but on the inside my mind was going places it had never been before. So much could happen, so much could go wrong, and I had to keep my cool. He leaned forward to grab a small bottle of translucent lube, and opened the lid. The pop that came free with the lid being opened broke the silence in the room and I looked at him dribble some of the substance on his fingers. He rubbed it between his fingers and I took a deep breath, clenching and unclenching around nothing in anxiousness. I was writhing underneath his touch and I needed him.

‘You’re still okay, right? If you don’t…’

‘Yes I do, I need you.’

I closed my eyes and felt a slick finger at my rim. His finger circled around and teased me a bit before slowly pushing in the first digit. It felt weird to have someone else do it, but it also felt ten times better. His finger pushed further, and I tried to relax around it so it would hurt less. As he pushed entirely in, I let out a long moan and furrowed my eyebrows. His finger hurt slightly, the stretch wasn’t that big but I wasn’t used to it. Spreading my legs further to give him more access, he started to pull out again so he could thrust the finger back in. It burned, and I bit down my bottom lips. He pumped the finger in and out of me and pleasure replaced the pain burning in my stomach. Not long after I felt a second finger at my entrance, and he pushed it in slowly.

He moaned, ‘so tight…’ and slowed down his thrusts. When he scissored his fingers I almost chocked on my moan, the stretch was painful and my walls were tight around his fingers. Unwantedly, I clenched around his fingers and that hurt more, I wasn’t used to this and I almost couldn’t keep my hips still. ‘Relax…’ I heard him whisper, and he reached for my hand with his free one. I clasped it firmly and he scissored his fingers again, this time more bearable. The feeling became pleasant, and I let out another moan when he curled his fingers. He brushed against my spot and I cried out, squeezing his fingers hard.

‘M-More…’ I moaned, and with every thrust of his fingers he brushed against my prostate, making my whimper underneath his touch. I needed more; I needed him. I looked at him and saw his fingers thrust deep inside me. ‘Dan… I want you.’

He slid out his fingers and wiped them clean on the sheets as he picked up the bottle of lube again to cover his hard cock in it. I lifted my legs up to wrap them around his waist and pulled him closer, not wanting to wait any longer. He guided his length to my entrance and I felt it press on my rim. He looked at me and I stared into his eyes for a second, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath. I nodded to tell him it was okay to push in, and he grabbed my hips and pushed his tip in. The stretch was painful and he was quite a bit bigger than his two fingers, and I furrowed my brows and let my head fall back on the pillow. He pushed in further until he was completely in, the base of his cock disappearing inside me. I tried to steady my breath and relax more, wriggling on the mattress to get used to the feeling. When it was okay for him to move I nodded again, not able to get any words out. He pulled out and thrust back in a bit faster, causing me to scream out. He dug his finger in my hips hard and his thrust became harder, faster, and my legs juddered and I pressed my heels in his back. When he hit my spot again I cried out his name, clenching around him and hearing him let out a trail of moans. With every thrust he hit my prostate harder, pushing in further as he pushed up my legs with his hands. I clasped the sheets with my hands to steady my moves as he moved faster and faster, him moaning loud and long.   

I felt myself growing closer to an orgasm, the feeling tingling in my toes and making my body shake. ‘C-close.’ I whispered and I opened my eyes to see his sweaty chest moving close to mine. He was bent forward and his mouth was open, drips of sweat trickling down his forehead. He increased his rhythm and hit my spot over and over again. I wrapped my arms around his back and scratched my fingers over his back, biting down on my lip to repress another scream. He changed his angle and thrust into my spot hard, sending me over the edge and I spilled all over out chests. My orgasm washed over me as a wave, and it was so much better than every other orgasm I had ever had before. He jammed in me, against my prostate, and that made it so intense I had trouble keeping consciousness. I clenched around him and let my eyes flutter shut, my hands falling down on the bed and my legs spasming. Not long after me, he came hard inside me and he collapsed on top of me, his body wet against me and he arched his back to ride out his orgasm. He moaned against my neck and his low groan sent shivers through my body, seeing him like this was hotter than I had ever expected. His hot breath against the sensitive skin of my neck made me moan again, and he finally pulled out slowly, giving my sore prostate rest.

‘Oh god… that, that was amazing.’ He looked up at me as I spoke and smiled lazily, rolling off me and landing on his duvet. He took some tissues from his nightstand and wiped us both clean, the hot cum on my stomach being tossed into the bin.

I settled in next to him, laying my head on his chest and his arm carefully draped over my shoulders. My eyelids were heavy, and I began drifting into sleep. With his free hand he caressed my hair, combing it with his fingers.

‘You should come here more often…’

His voice was calm and the words he spoke were the last ones I heard before falling into slumber. I would definitely visit him more often, I was completely sure of that.

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part 2

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It was still strange to be Dan Howell’s boyfriend. Boyfriend. The word sent pleasant shivers down my spine and my mouth instantly curled up in a smile. Dan was my boyfriend and I was his, and everyone knew it.

After the party I had stayed with Dan for the entire weekend, discovering we actually had a lot in common and both had a big love for Muse. Our conversations just kept going and I didn’t once think about leaving that weekend, so by the end of Sunday I fell asleep in his arms.

Those two days were absolutely perfect, the days after that made me slightly scared. I was dreading to go to school, afraid of people’s opinions and bad looks, but Monday came and before I knew it I was on the back of Dan’s motorbike, facing more than a hundred kids who were all staring at us.

“Is that Dan Howell?”

“With that Lester kid?”

“What is Dan doing with that loser?”

The rumours were spreading throughout the school like wildfire and even though the stares weren’t always nice and friendly, Dan refused to remove his arm from my shoulder. He had me wrapped up in his embrace that smelled of cigarettes and big leather jackets, and wouldn’t let me go for one moment.

Every little kiss on the cheek or nose he gave me that day felt extra special, and by the end of the day everyone knew my name was Phil Lester and that I was Dan’s boyfriend.

-

Today was Friday, the only day I didn’t have classes with Dan, so my hours consisted of doodling on my sheets and staring out the window. I couldn’t wait until I was with him again, held closely in his comforting arms. And even though people still stared at us when he held me during lunch break, I wouldn’t trade his hugs for the world. I had grown a special love for the smell of cigarettes and mint, his smell, and I honestly didn’t give a fuck about other people. Whether they found us disgusting or if they were just jealous, Dan was mine and I was his.

During science, my last class of the day, I stared patiently out of the window waiting for the bell to ring. Sighing, I looked at the time and saw I still had to pay attention for 15 minutes more. Time passed so slowly when I was waiting for him, so to pass the time I let my gaze wonder outside again and tapped an upbeat rhythm with my pencil on my desk.

-

When my class was finally over, I ran towards the front gates of the school to catch the bus to Dan’s house on time, but I found out that it wasn’t necessary.

He was already there, leaning with one arm on the steering wheel of his black motorbike, wearing his signature leather jacket and some very hot skinnies. The other students had their eyes on him too, and I swallowed nervously, taking his appearance in from tip to toe. He was looking at me too, with his crooked smile that caused my heart to beat ten times faster, and when he spotted me he pushed himself up and smiled, giving me a small wave. A rosy colour appeared on his cheeks, and I giggled at the sight. He could be as punk rock as he liked, but he still blushed when he saw me.

People turned their heads but I didn’t really see it, I had only eyes for him. His smile grew bigger as I approached him with a bright red on my cheeks, and he held out his hand.

“Hello gorgeous.” His voice was quiet and soft, and my blush became even darker.

“Hi…” I hesitated, looking around to see most of the school still staring. They apparently weren’t quite used to us yet, but I had to ignore it. This moment was for me. Dan was saying hello to me and he was holding a spare helmet out for me, not for anyone else.

“I figured you might like a ride home.” He said, and I widened my eyes. He had never been to my house before. But when I saw his smile fading, I quickly nodded and smiled brightly back at him, I couldn’t reject his offer to bring me home. I hoped he had time to stay…

“I’d love that.” I said, a bit louder, and his hand found mine. He pulled me closer and placed a gentle kiss to my forehead. It was suddenly a lot warmer outside.

He handed me his spare helmet and I pulled it over my head, ignoring his sniggering as I struggled with the straps. The straps were slippery and my hands were so sweaty, I couldn’t get it over my head properly. I hid my face as my fingers tried to attach the two straps of the helmet, but then he swatted my hand away and fixed then for me, his hands warm and gentle against my skin. His fingers were so soft, and when he was finished he let them linger on my skin for a bit longer before pulling them away. If it were up to me, they should’ve never left my skin.

“Let’s go.” He mumbled, and swiftly got on his motorbike. I could only stare at him because he did it all so graciously and I would probably look like a cow getting on that motorbike, but I didn’t say a thing and threw my leg up. Bad idea. The seat was too high and I couldn’t throw my leg far enough up in the air, so when I tried taking place behind him I almost fell and grabbed a fistful of his leather jacket so save me from falling.

My cheeks were burning and he let out a laugh but he still pulled me up, and I secured my hands in front of his stomach so I wouldn’t fall again.

“Hold on tight.” He warned before starting up the engine and making our voices drown under the noise of it. I nodded and pulled my chest close to his back. He still smelled of leather and mint and I laid my head against his shoulder, inhaling deep. The helmet was preventing me from actually touching him, but this was close enough.

We rushed through the traffic and I decided to close my eyes, letting the wind blow on my face. It felt freeing. My worries washed away in the wind and the only thing that mattered was Dan. I could feel his heartbeat through his shirt and I snuggled close into him. I felt so content being so close to him; I never wanted to let go. I wanted him to keep driving, forever.

The sun was warm on my skin and sometimes he drove a bit too close to another car and my heartbeat would speed up, but he never lost control. Unfortunately, the ride home wasn’t that long, and we arrived at my front door 10 minutes later.

Both my parents were still at work, so Dan parked his motorbike in our front lawn. I was still pretty nervous. He had never been here before, and I had no idea whether he would like my room. I had a lot of rubbish in my room, and all my posters were nothing like his, varying from Pokémon to Kill Bill and Buffy. I didn’t have all the cool stuff he was used to, and I was afraid he might think I was childish.

I bit my tongue though, and didn’t say a thing about my room as we walked inside. His hand was on my lower back as we walked up the stairs, his cold fingers brushing just over the naked patch of skin. It felt electric.

I hesitatingly opened the door to my room, and he walked in. I kept my eyes on the floor as he looked at my stuffed lions and small toy robots. When I heard him chuckle I looked up.

“I think I’m in love with your room.” He said, his voice soft. He picked up my small stuffed lion and let his fingers graze over the fur. The lump in my throat was instantly gone and my mouth broke into a big grin. Seeing him in my room, with his black clothes and his leather jacket over his shoulder, was a funny sight, and I didn’t think he would actually like my room. But he did, and I walked up to him to kiss his neck.

“I think I’m in love with you.” I whispered, and immediately froze to the spot. What had I done? You didn’t confess your love within one week! My hands turned sweaty and my heart was beating out of my chest as I stepped back and mumbled so many apologies I lost count. Oh, he would hate me!

I flinched when I felt his hand on my cheek, and I hesitatingly looked up because it didn’t feel like he was hitting me in any way. To my big surprise his smile was still there and his fingers traced lazy patterns over my skin. He stepped forward and I simultaneously stepped backwards, but his hands held me in place. He secured my wrist in the palm of his hand and when I stood still he brought that one up too, so he was cupping my face.

“Me too.” He said, and I furrowed my brows. “I’m in love with you too.” He cleared his throat and when the words he had said reached my mind, my mouth fell open in awe.

“Y-You d-do?” I asked, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he brought his head closer to mine and before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine and we were kissing.

It felt better than the first time, or any other time, because he poured his heart and soul into the kiss and for the first time this felt actuallyreal. I was kissing Dan Howell; I was kissing the boy I was in love with. And I smiled into the kiss when I realized he loved me just as much.

When he broke the kiss I fell against his chest and buried my face in the crook of his neck, strands of his hair covering my face.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked, my voice muffled against his skin.

“I’d love to.” He stepped away from me to look at me, and I spotted a blush on his cheeks. He kissed my forehead and then he walked to my bed to fall face down into the pile of cushions.

I turned on the television and didn’t bother to pick a new movie to watch, knowing Kill Bill was still in the dvd-player. I pressed play and when I looked around to join him on the bed, I found him sat against my headboard with his arms spread out.

I giggled and walked over to him, the nervous feeling in my stomach replaced with a warm tingle, and he pulled me into his arms. I lay down in between his legs and my back was pressed against his chest that was rising and falling in a soothing rhythm. He locked his arms in front of me and when the opening credits were playing, I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes for a bit, just enjoying the feeling.

-

During the movie our attention wasn’t exactly focussed on the screen. After less than one hour my body was turned so I was facing him, and his hands were woven into my hair as his tongue swirled around mine, our lips locking perfectly together. His breath was hot and the sounds of Uma Thurman killing an entire team of ninjas weren’t enough to tear my eyes away from Dan.

His lips were still chapped and soft at the same time, and the smell of mint lingered around us. My hands were at the back of his neck and I drove my nails into his skin as I pulled myself up, desperate to be closer to him. His hands were in my hair and he tugged a bit too hard but I liked it nevertheless. His tongue licked into my mouth and I wanted more, I needed him so bad and as I felt his hands dip lower, all my blood rushed south.

His fingers dipped under my waistband and by now the movie wasn’t important anymore, and I just pressed the mute button because I couldn’t bother doing anything else than kissing Dan. His hands were so warm and he cupped my bum, pulling me even closer. My breath got stuck in my throat and I didn’t notice the rain pouring down outside because all I noticed were his eyes and how full of lust they were.

I was suddenly on my back, and he was hovering above me on his knees and hands, and he looked so hot with the light of my lamp shining on his face. It lit up his dark eyes and sent shivers down my spine.

“I-I want you…” I moaned, my voice breaking the silence in the room. And he sat up on my legs to remove his shirt, pulling it from the nape of his neck, and he threw it across the room. His chest was flat and tanned, the muscles from his shoulder prominent and breath taking. I ran my fingers over them softly, the warmth of his skin radiating onto me and I felt the tiny hairs on his chest. I almost let out a moan, and I placed my hand flat on his heart. I noticed how he silently watched.

He bowed over me again, and began to undo the small buttons of my shirt. My heartbeat sped up but I didn’t stop him, I needed him so badly. Once my shirt was off too, it was his turn to run his hands over my chest. I had never felt more self conscious, but the way he caressed every inch and even left some kisses, made me feel wanted, and I wasn’t to nervous anymore. For some reason he knew exactly what to do and what made me feel good, and I loved him so much because of it.

My erection was painful against my jeans, and I could see he was struggling with his jeans as well. His belt was tight and he pulled his hands away from me to undo it, pulling his jeans down inch by inch. I swallowed as I saw his half-hard cock through the thin fabric of his boxers; it was so thick and not even fully hard.

I began to undo myself from my jeans as well, and when I had them completely off, his fingers were under the waistband of my boxers again, teasing me and stroking my hips.

“You are so beautiful.” He whispered, and brought his head down to leave a love bite just under my belly button. He sucked lightly and flicked his tongue over it a few times before he began to kiss lower and lower, pulling my boxers down with him.

I kept my eyes on his movements constantly, and my breathing got faster when the cold air hit my hard-on. He kept stroking my thighs and he was holding me so carefully, I felt special in his arms. My chest rose and fell in a not rhythmic pattern, and I could feel his breath on my length. It was all still so new to me, we had only done this once before, but it felt so much better. I knew him better now and we weren’t wasted with alcohol buzzing in our brains. I could think straight as he pulled my underwear completely off, and it all felt so right.

“You sure you want this?” He asked, his fingers lingering over my tummy, and I nodded. I wanted this. I wanted him.

His fingers dipped down and this time I didn’t close my eyes. He took my length in his hand and his thumb flicked through my slit, making me bite my tongue. He started stroking me slowly at first, but I took the courage to tell him to speed up, and he built up a fast rhythm. Blood was pulsing through my veins and everything was heightened. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from him for one moment and he was kissing my inner thighs lightly, leaving no marks.

I kind of wanted to tell him to leave marks, but I didn’t. I was too shy, and his mouth on my skin made me dizzy and light-headed. He licked up my legs and I was aware of what he was going to do next, anticipation building up in my stomach. I let out a sudden moan, and that encouraged him to take my tip in his mouth and suck gently on it.

His lips formed a perfect ‘o’ shape around my tip and he hollowed his cheeks, his hand still stroking me where his mouth wasn’t. My toes tingled and I gripped the sheets next to me as he dipped his head further, taking more and more of my length in his mouth. His tongue swirled around my shaft and occasionally moved along the underside of my tip, stimulating my most sensitive spots.

My stomach flipped over as I hit the back of his throat and he swallowed, bringing me closer to the edge each time he sucked.

“Dan… I-I’m gonna-ah!” I couldn’t finish my sentence because waves of pleasure washed over me and I had to hold my breath to keep myself from hitting my high. He stopped sucking and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. He brought his head close to mine again, and I kissed his lips. His tongue licked over my bottom lip and I opened my mouth for him, letting our tongues collide.

“Do you have lube?” He asked, his lips still on mine, and I nodded. I opened the drawer of my nightstand and he picked up the small bottle. He moved back on the mattress and I held my breath for a moment or two, just preparing myself for what was about to come. His hands gripped my hips and I felt him trying to turn me around. I furrowed my brows and moaned loud as I thought of him fucking my brains out on my hands and knees, and my cock twitched.

I turned around and rested my head on my pillow, sticking my ass far up in the air. His hands stroked my cheeks and he slapped me once, causing me to yelp. He chuckled and kissed down my spine while covering his fingers in lube. He pressed one slick finger to my entrance, and while it still felt weird, his lips on my skin distracted me a bit from it.

I squeezed the sheets in my hand as he pushed his finger past my rim, and I tried not to clench. The feeling was odd, but he made it feel good. He pushed his finger further before pulling it almost out again, earning a moan from me. He started pumping his finger in and out softly, increasing his speed with each thrust. When he added a second finger my mouth fell open, and I tried not to moan too loud. He curled and scissored his fingers inside of me, and I heard his puffy breaths behind me.

My muscles were tight around his fingers and it felt so good, I felt so much at the same moment but it was so good. He pressed his third finger next to the others, and started thrusting harder, faster each time he pushed them in. My chocked moans filled the room and I was gripping the sheets so tight my knuckles were white.

My cock was leaking and had undoubtedly stained the bed, but I didn’t care. His fingers filled me up and the stretch was big, and when he brushed against my prostate I cried out, clenching my eyes shut. A wave of pleasure hit me and every time he thrust his fingers in, he made sure to curl them right up my sensitive spot. And I was dizzy because of the pleasure, my eyes falling shut as I crawled closer to my orgasm.

And then his fingers were gone, leaving me empty. I whined and clenched around nothing, desperate for him to touch me, fill me up. I looked behind me and I saw him covering his length in lube. Anticipation built up in me and I arched my back so my ass was far up in the air.

He grabbed my hips and led his tip to my ring of muscles. He lined himself up and pushed his tip in. I bit my lip so hard because the stretch was so different, so much better, and I was sure my lip would be bleeding by the end of the night.

He thrust in further, and my toes curled until it hurt. My legs were spread wide and he held me up with his hands so I wouldn’t fall to the mattress, because he was still pushing in and he was so big, it was amazing. I craved for the stretch and when our hips were touching he kept still for a moment, letting me adjust.

I wriggled my hips, desperate for more friction, and he kissed the nape of my neck softly.

“Please move.” I choked out, and he pulled out before thrusting in harder than before. He filled me up completely and I had never felt this good before. Last time I hadn’t known if I liked it or not, but this was so intense, and the feeling was something I wanted to keep forever.

He started a rhythm, not so fast at first, and I moved back to meet his thrusts. His breath was hot against my neck, and he started leaving little kisses from my earlobe to my shoulder. His lips felt soft, and so contrasting against the burning feeling in my stomach; it was wonderful.

“F-Faster…” My moans became louder and he smiled against my skin, increasing his speed. His fingers dug into the skin on my hips and it was so rough, I moaned against the pillow and reached in between my legs to stroke myself.

My hand found my leaking cock and I started stroking fast, trying to get the same rhythm as Dan’s thrusts. It was pure bliss and I was so close, his cock hitting my prostate every time. I kept my mouth open and my eyes closed and I needed him so bad, I needed the release.

“D-Dan… Ah!” I cried out his name so many times I couldn’t count anymore, it made my throat as sore as my knees that were rubbing against the mattress. The pleasure was too much, and my hand stroking my cock couldn’t keep its rhythm. I let my eyes roll back and I came with a scream, my cum all over my hand and sheets. I clenched hard and he came inside of me, screaming my name. I was so glad my parents weren’t home.

I collapsed on the bed and he pulled out, my prostate so sensitive it hurt when he brushed against it one last time.

“Y-You… That was…” I couldn’t breathe. “amazing…” My arm found his chest and I curled myself up against his warm, sweating body.  I looked up and saw his face, his lips red and raw from biting and his forehead sweaty, curls sticking to it.

I kissed his sore lips and left a faint bloodstain on them, coming from my lips. I collapsed on top of him and I felt his heartbeat in my ear, fast and pounding. My eyes fluttered shut and I mumbled an almost silent ‘I love you’, but I doubt he had heard it, because his breathing was steady and his eyes were shut. I heard music in the background, the end credits of the movie rolled over the screen.

[philipsenpai-fics]

Stranded

original upload date: feb 21, 2014

reposted by the author

---

~4k

Genre: Fluff, Fantasy

Summary: human!Phil finds merman!Dan around the corner of a shop and he takes him back to the sea (AU).

A/N: inspired by this drawing and this video 

It happened on a Wednesday evening, around 5 o’clock. Phil, the one who was always looking for an adventure, found himself more than one. He saw him on one of the streets he always walked past when going home from work, just past the bakery. The pair of bare feet lying on the ground just behind the baker’s house caught his sight and in curiosity he stopped walking, wanting to know whom those feet belonged to.

Phil stood still for a few seconds, debating whether he should go home or let curiosity win it? In the end the feet, which didn’t move at all and were way too clean to have come walked here on the dirty pave, looked alarmingly interesting and Phil dropped his bag and walked over to the pair of feet.

  Slowly turning the corner, Phil saw that the feet belonged to a pair of long, lean legs and Phil walked on to see the owner of these legs. A boy, presumably a few years younger than Phil, was lying on the ground with what seemed like a borrowed pair of shorts and a ripped button up shirt, completely wet even though there was no water around. He was asleep, or so it seemed because his chest was moving up and down, and he had his head turned away from Phil. His brown hair reached just below his ears and was also completely wet. His skin seemed to glow, tiny bits of gold reflected in the sunlight and it was almost like his skin was laced with glitter.

‘Hello?’ Phil asked, not sure if he could hear him or not. He walked closer, getting down on his knees and poking the boy in his shoulder. He didn’t respond. ‘Are you awake? Can you hear me?’ Phil raised his voice a bit, pulling on the boy’s shoulder to turn him around so he could see his face. He turned the boy over and his heart skipped a beat, completely forgetting how to breathe for a moment.

The boy’s eyes were closed, long and elegant eyelashes resting on his upper cheeks. His lips were full and his mouth was slightly open, and Phil saw him breathing slowly through his mouth. His face was angelic and it seemed to glow in the orange sunlight. Phil stared at the boy, his breathing being in sync with him. Phil got to his senses and poked the boy again, this time harder, and asked if he was awake once more.

This time the boy didn’t remain silent. He jerked his head up and coughed up a mouthful of water, what streamed down his chin. Phil furrowed his brows. How could all that water end up here? And why did it look like he just drowned even though he was lying on solid ground? Phil didn’t have time to answer those questions because the boy was now opening his eyes.

A pair of chocolate brown eyes looked at Phil, and Phil swore he saw a tiny bit of gold on the centre of his eyes when he looked into the sun. He left Phil breathless, and all he could do was stare. The boy however wasn’t even slightly startled when seeing Phil, and instead of that he just kept staring at him.

‘Hello, who are you?’ Phil asked again, this time hoping for an answer.

‘W-Wa-’ The boy coughed again and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Need… water.’

Water? But he was soaked? He was hydrated enough, why did he need water? Phil took the boy’s arms and lifted him up, sitting him against the wall with his back so he was sitting up straight and Phil could look at him better, see if he was okay.

‘Tell me, what is your name so I can help you.’ Phil insisted again, he’d call the police or an ambulance if there was something wrong with him and they would have to take care of him. Also Phil didn’t even know the boy, for all he knew he could just be lost or something.

‘No. W-Water.’ The weak voice of the boy suddenly got a lot louder, and two surprisingly firm hands gripped his neck. Phil backed off and peeled the boy’s hands off him so he could reach his bag. If the boy needed water to tell him his name, he would give it to him. He still had a small bottle in his bag and he wasn’t thirsty himself.

‘Here you go.’ Phil handed the bottle and held it before his mouth so he could drink it. The boy took the bottle with both hands but instead of drinking it, he brought it up above his head and poured the water on his hair, letting it trickle down his face and onto his shoulders like diamonds falling down.

Phil didn’t understand one bit of what the boy was doing, and just sat there staring at the boy who was now pouring the last bits of water over his arms and legs. The last drops of water fell out of the bottle and he threw it away, closing his eyes and letting his head fall against the wall. The boy sighed, looking a lot more alive than just a minute ago. He looked healthy again and Phil couldn’t follow that logic, surely pouring just one bottle over your head didn’t clean your whole body, right?

‘My name is Dan.’

Phil snapped back to reality when hearing the boy’s voice. He sounded a lot clearer now and his voice was silk-like, making Phil almost feel disorientated in his own mind.

‘W-What?’

‘My name is Dan.’

‘Oh…’ Phil smiled at Dan, slightly embarrassed by his own awkwardness. ‘I’m Phil.’

Phil got up to his feet, expecting Dan to do the same so he could lead him out of this place and maybe point him to the direction he needed to go, if he needed to go anywhere. Phil rather had him staying but he couldn’t just ask that.

Dan didn’t get up though, and Phil saw him tightening the muscles in his arm as he tried to push himself up, but it didn’t work.

‘Do you need help?’

The question surprised Dan, and he didn’t know what to respond in the first place. What did he need? What was he supposed to do in the first place?

‘Um… I don’t know, can you maybe explain what you are doing?’ He asked, hoping his question didn’t sound weird or offensive, because it looked like Phil was doing it like it was nothing.

‘Do what? Shall I help you get up?’ Phil offered, holding out his hand for Dan to grab.

‘Help me up?’

Phil furrowed his brows, what was there to misunderstand about that question? Surely he knew what ‘getting up’ meant. Phil bowed down and took both Dan’s hand, pulling him up to show him what getting up meant. Dan’s eyes widened and he was startled, his legs feeling weird underneath his hips.

‘What are you doing?’ His voice got louder, and Phil tried his best to understand the boy’s questions, but that got rather hard.

‘Phil, stop! Please, what are you doing I don’t know what to do.’

Dan started to panic, the feeling of two feet underneath his body wasn’t something he was used to and he didn’t know if it was actually strange if someone didn’t know how to use them.

‘What’s wrong? Do you want to sit down for a moment?’ Phil asked, now worried about the boy in his arms who looked genuinely afraid of him and that what was happening.

Dan nodded and Phil helped him sit down again, his legs bending underneath him and looking almost uncomfortable.

‘Phil…’ Dan whispered, ‘I don’t know how to do that… that what you do.’ His voice got shaky again and he needed water.

‘Do what? Walk? You don’t know how to walk…’ Phil was confused as well as startled, he’d never met someone who didn’t know how to walk, and it seemed like Dan didn’t even know what walking was.

Dan shook his head, and Phil felt kind of sorry for him. He looked at the lost boy in front of him, with his glowing skin and golden eyes, and he placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down a bit.

‘Where do you need to go, I can still take you there.’

Phil was certain; he couldn’t just leave Dan here without someone. He looked so lost and it was like he was growing weaker by the second.

‘Water… I need to go to the water.’ Dan’s voice was only a whisper now, and Phil knew what he had to do. He picked Dan up and carried him bridal style, one arm supporting his back and one arm under the back of the knee. There wasn’t a lot of open water in this area, but he knew of the sea that was just outside of town, about 30 minutes of walking away. He’d manage, Dan didn’t weigh that much.

‘I’ll take you to the sea.’ Phil responded, and Dan was more than pleased to hear that.

Phil was still confused, why did this boy need to go to the sea. He was completely wet and Phil had found him behind the bakery, completely lost. And he only needed water to throw it on himself; it was not like he was actually thirsty. Phil started to wonder, like he always did, and he wondered whether it could be possible that Dan was not what he seemed like.

‘Why do you need water when you’re already soaked, if I may ask?’

‘I can’t tell. You wouldn’t believe me if I did.’

**

‘P-Phil… I need water… now.’

They had been walking for about 20 minutes now, Phil’s feet were sore and Dan grew weaker and weaker with the minute because of the unknown source Phil still hadn’t figured out. Phil heard the soft words leave Dan’s mouth and he looked around for water, spotting a small fountain a few feet away.

With hurried steps he took Dan to the fountain and he lay him down on the edge of it, the water sprinkling on his face and wet clothes. Dan opened his mouth and felt the water on his skin, making him feel alive again. Phil filled his bottle with water and let the water flow over his head, lightening up Dan’s skin and immediately making it shine again, like magic. Phil tried not to be too surprised with the things that happened to Dan, being used to his strange way of speaking and the unusual things that happened to him.

Dan felt the water come down on his legs, and moved away from the water quickly, almost falling off the edge. He had to be careful. Phil quickly took him again and lifted him up in his strong arms.

‘To the sea, right?’ He asked, just to be sure. Dan nodded and they were walking again, Dan feeling much better now.

‘Who are you actually, Phil?’ Dan asked, out of pure curiosity. He liked Phil, maybe a little more than usual. And perhaps that was because of the way his fringe fell over his eyes and how the black perfectly fit the blue in his eyes, or because he was carrying him to his sea with his strong hands and his odd questions he kind of liked.

‘Well, I’m Phil, and I live just behind that block of houses. I work at an illustration company, where I design labels. Kind of average though, noting too special.’

‘I think you’re very special.’ Dan interrupted him, looking at Phil with his brown eyes.

Phil smiled, his cheeks turning red, and he asked himself if he actually liked this boy. He was interesting, and nice. And he was absolutely the most gorgeous boy he’d ever seen, with his glowing skin and perfect eyes that almost looked unreal.

‘What about you then?’

Phil was determined to know more about him; he was being way too mysterious. But Dan shook his head.

‘I can’t tell you, I told you. You wouldn’t believe me.’ He told Phil, for the second time.

‘After finding you today and carrying you to the sea I think I’d believe you.’

‘Wait and see.’ Was all Dan said, leaving Phil completely guessing.

When they arrived at the sea Dan was silent again, his eyes fluttering shut every minute and his head falling back, arching his neck in an unpleasant way. The sun was setting, coating the ocean in an orange light and you could still see the transparency of the water.

Phil slowly walked up to the water, anxiously because this is what he had been waiting for all the time. Dan was trembling and his hair was almost dry, giving it an unhealthy grey colour.  He was dying, or so it looked like. His eyes were shut and Phil walked as quick as he could towards the blue water of the sea.

The waves splashed over Phil’s feet as he walked into the water, every step bringing Dan closer to it. The smell of the water and the ocean kept Dan conscious, and he forced his eyes open to look at Phil again. Phil’s eyes looked terrified, he had no idea what to expect when Dan was finally in this water, his conspiracy theories getting stronger by the minute.

‘W-Wait..’ Dan’s weak voice rose from his chest and Dan began to unbutton his shirt, the shirt eventually falling down into the ocean and leaving his chest bare.

‘What’s going to happen?’ Phil asked, his voice slightly trembling with fear.

‘Nothing, it will be fine.’ Dan managed to keep talking just to calm Phil down.

Phil walked on, more and more of his body going underwater, until Dan’s feet touched the water. Abruptly Phil stopped walking, keeping his eyes focussed on Dan’s feet which seemed to glow brighter than ever. He blinked a few times but it didn’t go away, and with all the strength he had Phil kept walking.

More and more of Dan’s body disappeared underwater, and Dan felt it change his body again. With the last strength he had he pushed himself away from Phil and fell into the water, his hair shining again and he was finally able to open his eyes. Finally underwater, Dan took a deep breath and felt his gills appear again, the four small cuts in his skin that helped him breathing. His skin glowed and he felt alive again.

He dove further into the water and the tingling of his skin began, transforming him, waking him up. He opened his eyes and the tiny spots of gold Phil saw earlier appeared, making his eyes glow. He looked down and saw the spots of blue growing, taking over his body and he closed his eyes to ease the slight burning pain he felt tingling in his legs. His feet were glued together, and it felt good again. He knew his body and when Dan opened his eyes a few seconds later, his blue tail shone and moved in the water exactly like it was supposed to do.

Phil watched it happen in front of his eyes, and he was not sure what to think anymore. He saw Dan’s legs transform right in front of him, and his legs were no longer there, but a beautiful blue tail replaced them and Phil was staring open mouthed at it. Phil couldn’t even blink, his eyes glued to the blue tail that was attached to Dan’s body, and currently swimming fluently through the water. There was no way Phil could’ve foreseen this, Dan being a merman. He shook his head slowly and smiled, in what kind of adventure had he put himself into today?

It did explain all the odd things about Dan though, like why he needed water. He needed water to survive, but not only to drink it or to clean him; he needed to breathe. It also explained why the poor boy couldn’t walk, because he never had to walk before nor he knew what legs were. Phil smiled, seeing Dan move in the water, and he saw the smile on Dan’s face who realised he was home again.

Phil, who stood up to his waist in the water, suddenly widened his eyes as Dan submerged from the water. His hair was vividly and his eyes were shining again. He came closer and instinct made Phil back up, taking a step back from Dan. Realising what he had done made Phil feel horrible, and he saw the smile fade from Dan’s lips as Dan almost swam away again.

‘No! Please I didn’t mean it.’ Phil said.

‘Are you scared of me?’ Dan asked, hesitating to come closer again.

‘No.’ Phil took a deep breath and walked forward, up until his shirt was halfway underwater. ‘I’m not.’

With a smile Dan came closer again, this time not hesitating and he swam towards Phil until their noses were almost touching.

‘Thank you. Thank you for saving me.’ Dan said.

‘That’s okay; I quite liked it actually. I quite like you actually.’ Phil’s lips were trembling with fear; afraid the boy would turn him down. But his fear faded away when he felt Dan take his hands and intertwine their fingers.

‘I like you too.’ Dan said and he pulled Phil further into the water. The water wasn’t cold, on the contrary, and Phil easily let himself get pulled into the water. The water was soft against his skin and as Dan swam backwards, Phil felt his smooth tail touch the skin of his legs a few times. The feeling felt strange, and Phil had the urge to back away again out of fear for the giant tail, but he didn’t. He knew it would make Dan upset and second of all he wasn’t even afraid of him.

Their hands were still intertwined and when Dan stopped moving, Phil bumped into Dan with small splash of water. Their bodies were pressed against each other and even though Phil’s shirt was soaked he liked the feeling of their body’s together. He pulled his hands away from Dan’s to let his hands travel up Dan’s arms, feeling the muscles tighten up until his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck and he felt Dan’s fingers on his back, holding him close.

‘This is a lot to take in…’ Phil admitted, letting his eyes wander over Dan’s body and tail again. ‘with you being a mermaid and all.’

‘Merman, if you don’t mind.’ Dan responded.

‘Sorry.’ Phil said, a smile appearing on his face. He looked into Dan’s eyes and their heads came closer to each other, the tips of their noses almost touching. The world was set in slow motion as they moved closer, and Phil tilted his head slightly and closed his eyes. When their lips touched Phil felt it tingling in his stomach, and he leaned into the kiss. Their lips fit perfectly and when Phil opened his mouth to let his tongue slide over Dan’s bottom lip, Dan’s hands tightened around him and a muffled moan came from his lips.

They deepened the kiss and Phil tasted the salty taste of water on Dan’s tongue, and much to his surprise he quite liked the taste. Their tongues swirled around each other and Phil felt Dan pull him closer, further into the water. Dan dug his fingers in Phil’s back and got lost in the kiss, not letting the magical moment fade. He pulled Phil further, and they were up to their chins in the water. Phil didn’t mind, if Dan wanted to be in the water that was fine, as long as they kept kissing.

But Dan didn’t stop there; in one pull he pulled Phil entirely under water and continued kissing, feeling the water around them. Phil’s eyes shot open when he got pulled under, and he let go of Dan’s neck to try and swim up to the surface. Dan held him firmly and the only thing he did was hold his back. Panic started to grow in Phil’s stomach and he broke the kiss, quickly closing his mouth but it was already too late, the water in his mouth tasted salt and he couched. He saw the bubbles of air float away from him and his mouth was filled with the salty water, Dan let him go with one arm but still held him firmly underwater so he couldn’t go anywhere. Phil panicked, the tingling feeling in his stomach being replaced by fear and he tried his best swimming up to the surface, kicking his arms and legs around.

Dan remained calm, and with one hand he pointed to his gills in his neck, Phil should use them so he could breathe under water. He raised his eyebrows as he demonstrated them by taking a deep breath, but Phil still didn’t understand.

Phil frantically shook his head, did Dan think he could breathe underwater too? Did he not know Phil needed air to breathe? Phil kept shaking his head and he pointed at his mouth and lungs, Dan had to understand if he wanted to live. Phil felt himself grow weaker and then finally the grip on his back loosened and Dan pulled him up.

Phil sucked the air into his lungs when they reached the surface, and he couched hard. His breathing was fast and the panic slowly faded away as he was breathing fine again.

‘I…I can’t breathe underwater.’ He said to Dan, who didn’t look like he understood what was going on.

‘You can’t?’ Dan’s hands covered his mouth and he swam towards Phil to wrap his arms around him. ‘I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.’ He couldn’t believe he almost killed Phil. Phil hugged him back and told him it was okay, but Dan couldn’t forgive himself. This was unacceptable and he couldn’t ever do that again. If he lost control he could kill Phil again, and that was something he could never ever get over if that happened.

‘I need to go. I can’t stay with you. If I lose control this could happen again… I need to leave.’ Dan backed away and he tried to swim away from Phil, but Phil held him tight and didn’t let him go.

‘No, you can’t just leave. I want you to stay.’ Phil said.

‘No.’ Dan shook his head again. ‘If I don’t leave you might die.’ His voice was only a whisper and he came closer again. He closed the gap between their lips and kissed Phil one more time, their lips moving in sync and the salt on their lips tasting strange. It felt different than before, Dan was afraid to do something wrong and held back, not taking the risk and doing the same thing as before.

When he broke the kiss, Dan looked into Phil’s blue eyes that matched the water perfectly, and he wished he could see him again, even if it was just for a day. But that could never happen.

Dan let go of Phil and saw the sadness in Phil’s eyes as he swam away from him, but he didn’t stop swimming. He stayed up as long as possible until he felt the air burning on his skin and he dove under, tearing his eyes away from Phil and he swam away fast. He didn’t look back.

Phil saw Dan swimming away, and he wanted to go after him. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t. It wouldn’t work; fear always won. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks as the image of Dan became smaller and smaller. He’d never see that boy again, not ever. Dan disappeared into the water and Phil saw his blue tail splash on the surface of the water before he was entirely gone, only leaving a salty taste in Phil’s mouth that Phil hoped never faded away. 

[philipsenpai-fics]

About Time

original upload date: june 30, 2014

reposted by the author

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word count: 780

genre: angst

summary: i follow numbers instead of my heart

a/n: whoopsie daisy…

 -

  In all honesty I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve his smiles and his kisses. I was just a sad teenager and when I think of where I was then and where I am now, I have my whole life thanks to him. Shouldn’t I be grateful? Shouldn’t I kiss him back with that same love he gave me, and gives me still?

His hugs were the bandages on my knees and his kisses were the stitches in my heart. He taught me how to run and if I didn’t have him I would still be on my knees, reaching up but never reaching something.

And sometimes I was awake all night while he was asleep. Those were the worst nights. The tears weighed heavy but when I let them flow they didn’t make me float. They only drowned me further until the only thing I could see was the bottom, the emptiness void I didn’t want to face.

Phil was there to pull me up, and he did. He pulled me up so far I was in the clouds, high on his love. I was blind, and I should’ve held his hand when he started falling.

But I didn’t. Because once I was in the clouds, I didn’t need to hold his hand anymore. Sure, Phil was still at my side, but most of the times I was pulling him along with me instead of the other way around.

I still remember the day my subscriber count exceeded Phil’s. I saw, but I didn’t tell him anything, afraid of his reaction. Later I knew he knew too, but we didn’t really talk about it. Once the hundreds became thousands, he started talking, and the words that left his mouth were still curing, careful and healing.

He was telling me it was okay, that it didn’t bother him, and even after the numbers started changing he was still trying to take care of me, because in his eyes I was still that lost teenager with bleeding knees.

But my knees had healed and I didn’t need his bandages anymore. My heart was beating on it’s own now, the stitches only holding it back.

He still kissed my cheeks and lips and at night my head was always leaning on his steadily beating chest. But things changed. I didn’t crawl into his arms anymore and at night he was the one who pulled my head closer to him.

And I tried; of course I tried! I kissed him with dedication and hugged him at night, but my heart didn’t beat in the fire anymore, it was cold and hard and at times it felt like it would be better for me to be on my own.

The only problem was, we were always together. We had grown together and we made a living together, everything was always together! We acted dependant but in reality I didn’t shed a tear when he was away for two solid weeks.

Slowly but surely his adorable traits became a thorn in the flesh, and all the little things he did that I used to love so much became irritating, somehow. I didn’t want to hear his theories on Pokémon anymore and the cute animal noises he always did made my cheeks red with embarrassment instead of amorousness. To be honest, I didn’t want all these toys in the living room, and I didn’t enjoy myself playing board games for children anymore.

I’d rather make my videos alone, because I now knew how to edit and I didn’t need him anymore. And slowly, the amount of views on his videos relied on whether I was in them or not.

Surprisingly, it didn’t make me feel guilty at all. I tried being sad and heartbroken, but I didn’t miss his kisses anymore because they used to cure a wound that no longer existed.

Sleeping in my own bed was much more relaxing than losing the feeling in my right arm under the weight of Phil’s body.

And I knew I had to feel sad because of this, but I wasn’t. I felt strong and independent and I didn’t need Phil to heal me anymore.

And then I realised,

It was about time I moved out.

[philipsenpai-fics]

Truth Or Dare

original upload date: feb 12, 2014

reposted by the author

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A/N: for the Phanfic weekly challenge ^-^

Challenge: A Valentine’s date to make us squeal in less than 300 words.

‘My turn!’ Dan shuffles on the bed he and Phil are on, the sheets are warm. His eyes focus on Phil for a second before he says anything.

‘I choose… truth.’ With wide eyes Dan watches Phil think of a question. The reason they were on the bed playing this game was simple; they didn’t have anything to do on a Friday night. That that Friday happened to be Valentines Day wasn’t important at all. While Phil was still thinking of a good question, Dan looked at him. His slightly ruffled hair and his adorable sweater looked good on him, and Dan couldn’t deny he never had a slight crush on his best friend.

‘Okay…’ Phils voice was softer than before, and Dan had to move a little closer to hear him clear. ‘Does it bother you that you’re single?’

Dan was surprised by the question, and he didn’t have an answer directly. ‘Um… I guess.’ He looked up to avoid Phil’s gaze, feeling the tension in the room. ‘I’m not a person who likes to be alone.’ His answer was the truth; he’d rather have someone to talk to every second than to pile all his thoughts up in his mind.

‘I also choose truth.’ Phil said, and his blue eyes found Dan’s brown eyes again.

‘Do you miss being in a relationship?’ Dan asked, his face turning slightly red. ‘A bit.’ When Dan looked at Phil again his face was closer than before. And Dan held his breath as Phil continued, ‘I don’t miss my ex’s though, but being single isn’t really ideal either.’ After Phil had answered it became silent, and without knowing it they brought their faces closer to each other.

‘Truth.’ Dan said again, he didn’t know why he didn’t pick dare, he guessed this was just safer.

‘Have you ever kissed a boy?’ Phil’s voice was only a whisper now, his face so dangerously close to Dan’s. Dan shook his head and didn’t say a word. Phil picked dare, and this was possibly the only chance Dan would ever get this evening.

‘I dare you to kiss me.’ 

[philipsenpai-fics]

Mudita

original upload date: aug 18, 2014

reposted by the author

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word count: 1.2k

genre: fluff. An unhealthy amount of it, im warning you in advance

a/n: the other day at work I had to set up an entire rack of baby clothes and it took so long I started thinking about phan again, like always. The title is the buddhist term for ‘finding joy in other people’s well-being’ ah look at me being all spiritual..

I noticed him just as I was sticking the last ‘50% off’ sticker on the rack of shoes. With his brown fringe and similarly brown eyes, which appeared to be searching for something, he caught my attention, and I slowly lowered my hand for it to rest against my leg.

  He was pacing in the isle in front of where I was doing my work, filling the newly installed racks with baby shoes as I worked here in this local store, and because he was about 3 inches taller than the entire rack of items I could easily follow him with my gaze.

“What would she… hm… maybe, no… I should…”

He started talking to himself quietly, his back slightly hunched as he was looking for something on the bottom of the racks. His hair hung in front of his face and his voice was low, his lips barely moving as he spoke. Studying his face more carefully, just because I could for there had to be no way he could possibly spot me behind him, I guessed he had to be about thirty years old, or a little younger. I chuckled; he was definitely not unattractive. He had a dimple when he bit his lip, and he often used his hand to fix his hair. A habit I had, too.

When he walked further down the isle, I realised I had been staring at the man for way too long to be still acceptable, so I picked up my work again and started putting the prices on the new collection of baby jumpers. They were cute, the pink bundles of fabric, and I wondered what the man with the brown fringe was doing in this particular isle.

Smiling to myself, I bowed down and tried not to get distracted again as I hastily finished my work. The background music in the store filled my ears and I hummed along. I knew all the songs by heart, unsurprisingly, but they still didn’t tire me. I liked working in this store.

While I was tapping my foot along with the beat of the music, I hadn’t noticed another customer walking up to me. Not until I heard him clear his throat and shuffle one foot back and forth like he was nervous, I looked up.

“Hi. Um, you work here… could you, erm, maybe help me?” The man I had seen before, and stared at obnoxiously, was stood before me and I quickly got up to my feet and smiled.

“Of course! How can I help you?” I asked, quickly putting down the last pink jumper, and while I looked up to lock eyes with this stranger I realised I was no less than 5 inches shorter than him. Craning my neck up almost uncomfortably high, I smiled again and motioned for him to lead me his way.

His head shot up, and he walked in front of me to the aisle he had been pacing in previously. I eyed the multiple baby socks and tights and then looked up at him again, waiting until he started speaking.

“Right, um… I was just wondering what kind of these would be best for keeping warm.” He gestured towards the rack of socks. “My daughter, she is 9 months in a week or so, has cold feet very often and because it’s winter now, my partner and I need new socks for her.” I looked up at the use of the word partner, but quickly nodded in understanding as it was absolutely not my place to ask him about it.  

“Well,” I turned my attention back to the socks, and picked up a pair of thick socks with dots on them. “these are particularly warm, and commonly used for underneath the shoes.”

He nodded also, and I handed him the pair. Then I picked up another pair, showing him them. “These are the warmest baby socks we have, they consist of wool and cotton, and the soft layer on the inside makes them extra comfortable. Unfortunately we don’t have these in white or pink anymore, but I have them in green, yellow and blue.”

“Great! Thank you. Um, could you maybe…” He handed me the other pair of socks he was holding, and turned around to wave at, probably, his partner and their daughter. I smiled, and while waiting for them to turn up I noticed he wore his wedding ring on his left hand.

“What do you think of these?” Another voice piped up behind us, and I turned my head in surprise.

At the end of the isle stood a man, black hair and blue eyes framed by black glasses. He smiled at his husband and me and I stared back at him, slightly surprised. The man was clutching the hand of a young boy, and in his other arm he held a sleeping girl.

“Phil, we can’t buy that.” The man with brown hair laughed. Their son was wearing a ridiculously large hat that hid his entire face, and he seemed extremely proud of it. “Come take a look at these.”

Phil approached, and let go of his son’s hand to take the pair of baby socks that his husband handed him. He turned it around in his hand and made eyes contact with his husband. “I like these! What colour would be best, Dan?”

“They have them in yellow, blue and green. I was thinking yellow, maybe.”

“Yeah, I like that as well.” Phil smiled at me and I quickly searched the rack for the pair of yellow socks. “Thank you.” Phil said as I handed them to him. “I think she would love these.” He held the socks in front of his daughter’s face and chuckled, she was sleeping tight.

“A pleasure.” I looked at Dan again and watched him trying to make his son understand as to why he couldn’t buy the hat.

With the socks and his daughter in his arms, Phil walked up to them and squatted down next to them. I walked back to my spot at the end of the isle, where my jumpers still waited for me, and sat down with my eyes still on the family.

When the hat was off and put back under loud protest of the little boy, the two fathers stood up again and started walking away. The one with the black hair, Phil, handed the sleeping girl to Dan and bowed over to pick up their son. He kissed him on the nose, successfully wiping the frown off his face, and then turned his head to kiss his husbands cheek, and I smiled at them from behind, admiring the way they looked so complete, and utterly happy.

When I saw them walking out of the store later on, both zipping their children’s and their own coats up, I stopped and stared at them again for a while. While I watched them leave the store a warm feeling filled me. I couldn’t tell where it had come from, but it made me smile until my cheeks hurt and even long after the four of them had gone out of sight, the corners of my lips were still perched up. 

[philipsenpai-fics]

Mosaic

original upload date: aug 8, 2014

reposted by the author

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~2.4k, smut

game of thrones based (you don’t have to watch/read it, it’s literally pure smut nothing else)

The door was brown wood studded with gold, and Lord Phil of House Lester hammered on it with his fist. Cold wind rushed past him and little flocks of snow covered his eyebrows. The weather in King’s Landing had been like this for over months now, the snow filling the streets and the waters unable to cross. The people stayed inside to survive, so when Phil crossed the street he was the only one out.

The door creaked as it opened, and a young, tall lady in a thin garment was revealed. She smiled brightly at him. The woman was flowing in lilac silks and smelled of lavender, her hair fair and black. She led him through the front hall, graciously gesturing him to follow while her bare feet padded on a mosaic floor portraying two women entwined in love. It smelled of some exotic spice and Phil started taking off his thick woollen cloak, as it was warm and pleasant inside. His cloak was embroidered with thick woollen patterns, the great lion of House Lester on the breast.

  Phil was a high lord, his father Hand of the King and leader of the King’s Council. It was no secret he liked to visit Chataya’s brothel, but no one outside these walls knew he preferred the company of men to women. He kept it a secret, his Lord father undoubtedly sending him to The Wall if he knew.

“Can I be of any help?” The tall woman asked him; Phil had never seen her around before. Chataya must be busy entertaining, he thought. He nodded. From behind an ornate carved with flowers and fancies, they peered into a common room where the whores were seated. They sat on great cushions, and Phil saw a drunken lord with a naked girl on his knee dripping wine over her breasts so he could lick it off. The other girls all turned their heads as Phil and the woman walked in. Some of them looked at Phil seductively, but the lot quickly looked away as they knew he hadn’t come for them.

“Who would you like to pay a visit?” The woman asked, and she gestured at the girls. She was obviously new here. Phil’s gaze followed her hand to be polite, but soon his eye fell on a petite boy standing behind the curtains of the great window. Ignoring the whore’s question, Phil walked over to him to give him a better look.

His skin was a tanned gold, unlikely for someone who was born here in Kings Landing, and his eyes and hair had the same shade of a warm brown. He was wearing a thin robe, just like the others, but his was tied around his waist so Phil could see his nipples were erect.

Phil approached him until the boy saw him too, and gave him a smile. The boy blushed immediately, and his hands covered his chest. A shy one, and maybe a virgin, excitement started building up in Phil and he could feel stirring in his groin. When the boy finally looked up at him he returned Phil’s smile briefly. Phil stuck his hand out to stroke the boy’s chin briefly, but the boy edged backward against the wall. Startled, Phil stopped moving. He didn’t want to frighten the boy at all.

“What’s your name?” Phil asked.

“Daniel.”

“Can I?” Phil reached out to touch the boy’s soft skin, and Daniel nodded quickly. Phil’s hands stroked down his shoulders and chest, and he took his stiff nipple between his fingers. He heard the boy’s breath quicken from perhaps fright, perhaps excitement. He didn’t stop either way.  

“M’Lord, if you allow me, I can show you to our chambers.” The tall woman said, and Phil looked at her. He nodded again and then placed the palm of his hand against the small of Daniel’s back, and led him through the hall. The other girls’ eyes were all on them, and Phil could swear he saw a little pity in their eyes, if not jealousy.

They were led to a hallway with doors painted red and gold. Rugs and fabrics covered the floors and a grand chandelier hung from the ceiling. Here too, it smelled of spices, the aroma’s filling the air. Not a thing was out of place, neither the flowers nor the candles. This place was fit for kings.

The woman pushed open a door at the end of the hall, a big one with flowers painted on them. The other doors all had a painting of two women on them, so Phil figured this chamber must be Daniel’s one. When the tall whore left them, Phil led Daniel through the door inside his chamber.

The room was spacey, and light shone through thin golden curtains onto the bed. It was a large bed, round on the edges with red fabrics surrounding it and there were several cushions spread out on it. There wasn’t much else in the room, apart from numerous erotic utensils Phil didn’t want to take a look at. As he took in the room, it almost felt wrong to be here.

He was taking advantage of this boy, paying to lay with him. If Phil had liked girls just like any other man he would be in a happy marriage by now, his wife probably with child already. But he wasn’t married, not yet, and instead he visited male whores at night to seek pleasure. He eyed Daniel again, and gave him another smile, this one being less confident.  

Daniel looked at him with less fear in his eyes, and he even took a step further towards Phil. “Milord, is there something wrong?”

Phil shook his head quickly, and pushed his fear aside as he looked at the boy before him. Daniel’s chest heaved quite fast, and Phil placed a hand on his heart. It hammered through his skin, and their eyes met again.

“Have you ever laid with a man before?” Phil asked.

“No, milord.”

“Are you afraid?” Phil took a step closer to him, reducing the space left between them.

“No, milord.” The boy answered once again.

Phil slowly nodded and he placed his hand on Daniel’s cheek. He didn’t step back, so Phil lowered his hand until he was stroking Daniels flat chest. The boy’s skin felt warm against his hand, and Phil found the boy’s waistband. His garments were thin, but still covered him up, and Phil’s fingers slid up and down the fabric in search for the knot that fastened it around Daniel’s hips.

When he found it, Daniel opened his mouth at first, but closed it quickly again. Phil’s fingers slipped underneath the loose fabric, and he quickly undid the small knot. The soft fabric fell to the floor gracefully. A breeze of cold air hit the boy’s skin. Daniel brought his hands down to cover himself, but Phil swatted his hands away and stepped back to have a better look at him.

His length was small, and his tip was red. There was little to no hair covering the boy, and Phil smiled at that. Bringing his hand down, Phil stroked the boy once, making his breath quicken once again. He slid his hand over Daniel’s skin smoothly, and then brought it to the small of his back. He swatted the boy’s cheek, making him jump closer to him so Phil could feel his stiff length along his thigh.

Daniel was blushing bright red by now, and Phil chuckled. “Lay down on the bed.”

“Yes, milord.”

“Please call me Phil.” Phil insisted as he watched Daniel walking backwards to the bed until his legs hit the side and he sat down. Without breaking eye contact, Daniel moved back onto the bed and lay down with his head on the pillows and his knees bent.

“Yes… Phil.” He hesitatingly said, and Phil smiled once again.

Phil began to undress himself quickly, and as his thick garments fell to the floor his now hard erection sprung free. He was thick and long, and Daniel stared at it with big eyes. With slow steps, Phil approached the bed too and knelt down next to the boy. Daniel didn’t move, only changed his gaze so their eyes met again.

“Are you going to fuck me?” He asked.

“Yes.” Phil said.

“It will be expensive.” Daniel told Phil, but Phil shook his head.

“I have enough gold.”

Phil let his hands touch Daniel’s skin again, and he felt the boy relax underneath his touch. He rolled a nipple between his thumb and finger, and Daniel bit his lip. His length grew stiffer and he bucked upwards slightly.

“Are you enjoying this?” Phil asked, smiling, and he brought his other hand up to touch the boy’s other nipple too.

Daniel nodded and craned his neck upward, his brown hair falling from his forehead onto the pillows. To see this boy so putty in his hands made Phil even harder, and he began to stroke his own length slowly.

Daniel saw it, and he gave Phil a questionable look. “Don’t I get to pleasure you, milord?”

“I have something else in mind.”

Daniel visibly swallowed, and Phil retreated his hand from the boy’s red nipple. With some olive oil found on the side of the bed, Phil covered his finger slowly and watched Daniel as he did it.

“Spread your legs for me.” Phil ordered, and Daniel did as he was told. Phil moved to sit in between his legs, bringing one hand down so he could circle the boy’s hole slowly. Phil pushed his finger in a tiny bit, and Daniel held his breath in surprise. He tightened around Phil’s finger and Phil held still, afraid he would hurt the boy if he moved any further.

“Have you ever done this?” He asked sweetly, and Daniel shook his head, blushing.

“I wasn’t allowed to. Chataya told me I wouldn’t be pure anymore.”

Phil nodded, and pulled his finger out again. “Are you sure you want this?”

“I am a whore. I don’t have a say in this. You come, you fuck me and you pay, that’s how it goes.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Phil said, “If you don’t want this I will stop.” He knew first times hurt, no matter what you did.

“Then, I do want this.” Daniel looked him straight in the eye and Phil believed him.

Daniel spread his legs a little wider and Phil prodded his entrance with his middle finger again, sliding it past the firm ring of muscles with a little more ease. He moved it up to the knuckle, and started thrusting it in and out.

Daniel leaned on his elbows, and his eyes were fixed on the finger disappearing inside of him over and over again, and when Phil started to circle and bend it a bit, he closed his eyes in pleasure. As Phil moved in a second finger and then a third, Daniel let his head fall back to the bed and he clutched the corners of the sheets in his fists.

When Phil found that he had stretched the boy well enough, he pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheets. Daniel looked up, and his hole clenched from arousal and the break in activities. He lowered his gaze to Phil’s throbbing erection, and his cheeks turned red again. “Are you going to put it in me?” He asked.

“Yes.”

The boy swallowed hard and spread his legs a little further still. His head fell back onto the mattress and he waited until Phil finished covering his length in the olive oil. When he did so, Phil took hold of both Daniel’s thighs and lined himself up with the boy’s clenching hole.

When Phil entered him, Daniel had to bite down on his tongue hard. The pain of the stretch was excruciating, and his skin burned. Gasping, the boy felt Phil move in further and further, and it seemed like there wasn’t an end.

“It’s in so deep.” Daniel whispered when Phil stopped moving, and he chuckled low. Clutching the boy’s thighs harder, he started thrusting in a fast rhythm that sent the boy bouncing on the bed. He had to grab hold of the sheets lying beside him and his eyes were closed.

Their moans and shouting drowned out the clattering of hooves outside, and the air was thick of the smell of lovemaking.

Feeling his high coming, Phil’s brows dove in concentration and he spilled his seed deep inside the boy. Slowly, he slid in and out a few more times until he pulled out and watched his load drip from the boy’s wet hole.

Daniel was still squirming on the bed and his hands begged for Phil’s attention. With a slight smirk on his lips, Phil brought his hand down and took hold of the boy’s red, throbbing cock. It was untouched and at the feeling of Phil stroking it lightly Daniel let out a scream already.

Stroking harder, it didn’t take long until Daniel himself hit his high. His seed landed on his flat stomach while his legs shuddered on the bed. When he lay panting, Phil brought his head down and lapped up the white with his tongue. He swallowed it and then finally he let himself rest, falling beside the boy on the soft mattress with his head on one of the pillows. The silence that followed brought back the clattering of the hooves and the chatter of folks outside.

“What does it taste like?” Daniel asked, breaking their silence.  Phil smiled at him. He was dazed, and his eyes almost fluttered shut.

“Come here.” Phil ordered. Slowly, the boy came crawling up to Phil, and he pressed his skin to Phil’s. Phil cupped Daniel’s cheek, and for the first time that night he kissed him.

Daniel licked at Phil’s lips and tongue, and started suckling so he could taste himself. He moved back once out of breathe, and laid his head in the crook of Phil’s neck.

“And?” Phil asked.

“It tastes salty.”

“Like the sea?” Phil stroked the boy’s sweaty hair and relaxed against his body.

Daniel nodded. “I’ve always loved the sea.” 

[philipsenpai-fics]

It's All About Trying New Things

original upload date: july 14, 2014

reposted by the author

---

1.2k, romantic food play, fluff

a/n: Happy birthday Ruta!!! I finally finished your prompt you gave me the other day, I hope you like it :D Have an amazing day and birthday sweetie, ily!

 “Phil, close your eyes.”

Phil was sat on the couch playing a game of Mario Kart when Dan walked into the lounge, a spoon in his hand. At the sound of Dan’s exciting voice, Phil jumped up and turned around thus far his car fell off a cliff in the game.

A groan came from his lips as he saw his car falling down. “Dan,” He said, dragging out the ‘a’, “what was that for?” Dan laughed at Phil’s annoyed expression.

“Close your eyes and open your mouth.” He said again, glancing over to Phil to see if he was listening to him. The spoon he held in his hand was still carefully kept from Phil’s vision.

“You’re not poisoning me, are you?” Phil said while shaking his head. He exited the game and tried to turn around to look at Dan, but a hand found his shoulder and held him in place.

“I’m not going to poison you, you dipshit. Just do it.”

Phil could hear Dan’s grin through his words and still didn’t completely trust him. It was Dan after all, who had successfully pulled the ‘2 girls one cup’-prank on him not too long ago. Phil hesitatingly closed his eyes while he imagined what Dan had in mind for him.

“Phil! Open up.” The smile in Dan’s voice was gone and Phil quickly opened his mouth for him, anticipation building up.

The spoon was set at Phil’s lip, and Phil immediately recoiled from the weird feeling, but when he ran his tongue over it he recognized the shape and relaxed. He opened his mouth a bit further and heard Dan’s giggles in front of him, but he couldn’t say a thing about it.

Dan tilted the spoon and something soft and warm fell into Phil’s mouth. The piece of food made Phil shriek as it slid across his tongue, and he brought his hands up to push the spoon away.

“DDngg!” Phil shrieked, but Dan pried the spoon further until what he was feeding Phil had fallen into Phil’s mouth. The elder retched and choked on the food, but it was far too late.

Still disgusted of the slippery feeling in his mouth, Phil opened his eyes and glared at Dan. He desperately wanted to say something to Dan, to get it out of his mouth, but the exact thing he wanted to say something about was preventing him to say it.

Dan brought his right hand up to Phil’s chin and gently pushed his jaw up. “Chew it.” He commanded in an amiable voice, and with an exaggerated disgusted face, Phil did as he said.

He chewed one time, causing the piece of… meat? to cut in half. It tasted salty and very interesting. Phil chewed again; he had never tasted anything like this. It was slippery, but very soft and it actually tasted kind of good.

“Issitfish?” He mumbled while still chewing, and Dan nodded. Making a satisfied sound, Phil swallowed and licked his lips.

“What is it?” He asked, glancing up at the spoon in Dan’s hand to see if he had any more.

“Did you like it?” Dan avoided Phil’s question deliberately.

“Yeah! It felt really weird at first, but the taste is so good! I didn’t expect it at all.” Phil smiled up at Dan and swallowed the lingering taste of the fish.

“It was a mussel.” Dan said, and Phil’s smile immediately faded and made place for a disgusted grin. He hated mussels.

“Dan! Mussels are disgusting!” He protested, and stuck his tongue out to get rid of the taste.

“No they aren’t! You always say you don’t like mussels but you’ve never tasted one before, so you’re in no place telling me mussels are disgusting.” Dan told Phil, and closed his mouth again. “Also, didn’t you just say to me you liked the taste?” Dan teased, and Phil looked down.

“Fine! You’re right.” Phil whispered and Dan stuck out his hand for him to grab.

“D’you want some more? I’m making them for dinner.”

Phil glanced up, and took Dan’s hand. “Isn’t that like a shit ton of work?”

“Of course it is! But I thought, it’s Friday night… and I had time…” Dan blushed. “besides, it’s all about trying new things, right?”

Phil blushed too and walked towards the kitchen, Dan trailing behind him. It almost wasn’t a secret anymore Dan had feelings for his best friend, but the two of them never said a thing about it, both too scared to ruin their friendship and career.

Phil glanced in the pan and saw the numerous little fishes he had once hated, and he pulled out a spoon. He took one out of the pan and started prying the fish out of its shell “How do you eat these things?”

The spoon shot away from the hard shell and Phil groaned, Dan laughing behind him. “Come here.” He said, and Phil gave him the shell. With his hands, Dan opened the shell and pulled the fish out using an empty shell as forceps.

Dan brought the piece of fish up to Phil’s mouth and fed him. Phil blushed while chewing on it, and when he swallowed he gave Dan a shy smile.

Dan studied Phil and smiled at him too, noticing a little bit of sauce on the corner of Phil’s mouth.

“You have a little…” He mumbled, immediately bringing his finger up to wipe it away without even thinking if it would be weird, maybe. He stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it clean, blushing furiously after he realised what he was doing. “Sorry.” He apologised after, but Phil was still smiling fondly at him.

“Let me try it.” Phil said, and using the same method Dan was using with the forceps, he took one mussel out of its shell and dipped it into the sauce.

Dan looked at it and waited until Phil would eat the fish himself, but his eyes widened when Phil brought the fish up to his mouth. He hesitatingly opened it and while Phil bit his bottom lip in concentration, he fed Dan the fish.

The blush on their faces seemed permanent as they stood there, feeding each other fish in the kitchen. The tension was up to the roof and as Dan swallowed his piece of fish, he looked at the floor shyly.

“You also have a bit of…” He heard Phil mumble, and he used one hand to move Dan’s chin up so they were facing each other again. Phil came closer and closer and Dan’s heart heaved in his chest, ready to burst out. And when Phil gently kissed the corner of Dan’s mouth, he clenched his eyes shut while a dark red blush spread over his chin and neck.

Phil’s lips were soft and when he drew back, Dan let out a little sigh. Without even thinking, he brought his hands up to Phil’s neck and connected their lips properly. Both of them froze, stunned by what was happening.

Dan quickly drew away, breathless and shaking. What was he thinking? “S-sorry…” He mumbled, but Phil brought him to silence this time, sealing their lips together.

Their lips felt new against each other, an unfamiliar feeling, but Phil smiled into the kiss and opened his mouth the tiniest bit, swiping his tongue over Dan’s bottom lip.

Dan didn’t know what to do at first, but when he felt Phil’s arms circling around his waist, he relaxed and allowed Phil to kiss him deeper.

What was it that he had said earlier?

Oh right, it’s all about trying new things.

[philipsenpai-fics]

Hold Me For Dear Life

original upload date: july 9, 2014

reposted by the author

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prompt: fansastic foursome on vacation camp or something. At night phan wants to disappear to do the sex but they catch kickthestickz already doing it so they have to escape embarrassed and do it in the tent. – just-another-rainy-day-wasted

(i didn’t add the kickthestickz smut, i hope you don’t mind)

genre: fluff, smut

word count: 4.1k (oops)

tw: alcohol

a/n: there’s smut in a tent god bless

-

“Chris you do realise this is entirely your fault.” Dan exclaimed while dropping his bags on the old leather couch in the cabin.

They had been looking forward to this holiday in Greece, just relaxing and sunbathing on the beach, lovely restaurants and the whole experience. They most certainly had been looking forward to a bed after a ridiculously long drive.

“No it’s not!” Chris chuckled, merely defending himself. He laid his stuff down with the rest of the luggage, and peeked around the corner of the room Dan was in.

“Well why don’t you say that to the receptionist where you personally requested this particular room.” Dan yelled and stomped out of the room to join PJ and Phil outside.

There was one king-sized bed inside the room Chris was in, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was there wasn’t another one. Chris sighed and brought his hands up to fist his hair. Realising that sharing one bed with four people wasn’t going to work out, he turned around and silently followed Dan out of the room, his head bowed low.

“…well I’m not letting this holiday turn itself into a complete disaster so I’m setting up the spare tent.” Phil clapped his hands together and unpacked the small singles tent from his suitcase. They had brought it just in case, and as it turns out that had been an excellent choice.

Chris threw his head back and groaned, sitting down in the grass. He screwed up once again and everyone was pissed at him. And even though everyone was trying to save the mood, Chris still caught Dan’s annoyed glances.

Half an hour later, in which Dan eventually had to help Phil set up the tent, they were looking at the small tent in their garden. They had all silently agreed it was way too small for two people to sleep in it, but they didn’t dare bring that up.

“I’m starving.” Chris said flatly, and Dan shot him another glare.

PJ grabbed his boyfriend by the hand and pulled him up. “Let’s go then! I know a perfect place to eat.” Chris received a quick kiss on his nose to wipe the frown off his face and Dan and Phil followed them, silently giggling to themselves.

Arriving at their destination after a short walk, it turned out PJ didn’t lie when he said it would be the perfect place. It was a typical Greek restaurant, the smell of fish and Tzatziki hanging in the air and a couple of tables placed directly under some grape trees that were wound around the pillars. The sun was about to set and scented candles lit the tables just enough to see the person sitting opposite of you. Over all, it was ridiculously romantic and the four boys found themselves staring at the whole ordeal with gleaming eyes and a big grin.

“Good afternoon, can I offer you a table?” A young lady in an apron asked, and PJ nodded kindly. She showed them to a table for four, and after some shuffling around Dan took place next to PJ and Phil next to Chris. Dan’s legs immediately found Phil’s under the table, and he smiled at the man sitting opposite of him.

“I love it here.” Dan said, and PJ hummed. He had a good taste for this type of thing.

They ordered their food and drinks, and some time later the four of them were already sipping on their second glass of wine. In the meantime Dan’s foot hadn’t left its spot, and it was currently slowly stroking up and down Phil’s calves. Their free hands were intertwined and no words were needed at all to express this moment.

Next to them, PJ and Chris were drinking a bit faster, frantically chatting with each other. Their heads only inches apart and their lips constantly moving to talk and to laugh and to sip their wine, they were having a pretty good time too.

“Two fried squids, one spaghetti with lobster and a grilled octopus?”

The waitress interrupted them to hand them their food, and their eyes were torn away from each other. Dan’s hand left Phil’s fingers for a moment as he took his ordered octopus from her, and the rest of them were given their meals also.

They had decided to try something new today, something completely different from anything else they had eaten ever before. Because they weren’t on a holiday to eat fish and chips, they were here to eat typical Greek dishes.

“Oh my God- this is amazing.” Chris exclaimed as he chewed on his squid, and PJ chuckled at his boyfriend. He was right; the food in this restaurant was definitely not bad. Dan licked his lips as he picked up his fork and knife, and started eating as well.

In a restaurant this fancy, they didn’t want to devour their food like animals, so they tried to eat a bit slower than usual, occasionally taking a sip of their wine. The slow, Greek music in the background filled their ears, and a meal like this made them forget they still had to fight about who was sleeping in the tent tonight.

-

After they finished their food and the music in the background had picked up some speed, the amount of empty bottles of wine began to exceed and their laughter became much more prominent. Most of the other customers had already left, and the sun was far beyond the horizon.

In the meantime their conversations had gone from one thing to another and even Phil’s worst puns were extremely funny. They hadn’t kept count of the amount of glasses they had drunk and their brains were fuzzy and their heads were buzzing. To say the least; they weren’t planning on going home any time soon.  

“Remember that time…” PJ said while taking a much larger gulp of his wine than he intended.

“Yeah…” Chris hummed, and then burst into a fit of giggles.

“We went to Italy… and it was almost just like this. Do you remember chasing each other? I actually still have that video!” PJ laughed and pointed at Dan and Phil. They both nodded, smiling, and looked at each other. It had happened a few years back but they could remember it like yesterday. They felt so free, how you imagined cloud nine would be like. And Phil’s fingers had filled the empty spaces in between Dan’s, making him feel complete.

Reliving those memories, lying in the grass all day with their hands intertwined or making love under the stars, made their hearts thump loud in their chests and it sent shivers down their spines. Just like then, their hands were entangled in each other again and Phil stroked the back of Dan’s hand lightly.

“I love you so much.” Dan blurted out suddenly, and immediately started giggling. He had too much wine in his system and it started to show, it made his head lighter and his actions faster and a bit more blurred, but he didn’t care. He was staring into Phil’s sea-blue eyes, which drowned away every worry he ever had.

Phil brought their hands up to his mouth, and started placing kisses all over Dan’s fingers. Dan giggled louder, and nudged Phil’s leg under the table with his. Next to them, Chris and PJ were looking at them like they always did, with their eyes full of love. They knew very well there was nothing they could do to make them break free from their trance.

“Peej…” Chris whispered, and PJ tilted his head to look at him. “I have an idea.” Chris hesitatingly continued, and PJ heard the smile in his words.

They locked eyes and Chris leaned forward. He really shouldn’t be doing this to his friends who were currently bend forward on their elbows to kiss each other, but he was drunk and his idea was too good to be neglected.

“Let’s go back to our cabin and take the bed so they have to sleep in the tent?” Chris said with a smile while keeping a cautious eye on Dan and Phil next to him.

“That’s rude!”

“But it would be so much fun!” Chris basically bounced up and down in his chair and PJ laughed.

“Come on come on!” Chris dragged PJ out of his chair and they ran off while Dan and Phil were still engaged in each other, way too much to notice their friends leaving.

Their noses were touching and while the Greek music filled their ears, love filled their hearts. Memories of two years ago filled their heads and their mouths left burning marks on their skins. Fingers dragged through their hair while they didn’t break eye contact for one moment. Their low, quiet voices were just loud enough to reach the others’ ear and they could barely hold in their laughter.

“Let’s dance.” Phil whispered, and Dan giggled again. He shook his head but glanced over his shoulder still, seeing a couple of people circle around on the makeshift dance floor. There was a musician and candlelight and while looking, Phil pulled him up and dragged him over there.

All eyes were on them for a moment, and the musician let out a small ‘finally’ before resuming his slow song.

Dan’s hands found their way around Phil’s neck and he pulled him so close his breath was on his neck. They slowly swayed from one side to another, making slow circles on the dance floor, and Phil’s eyes were on Dan while Dan’s eyes were closed.

Their chests were flushed together and after a while of swaying and kissing and laughing without a sound, the effect of the alcohol started to fade and their motions became more conscious.

Phil’s crotch was pressed against Dan’s and Dan’s breath was suddenly so hot in Phil’s neck, he tightened his hands around Dan’s lower back while his cheeks flushed.

Phil lowered his head while the booze of alcohol was replaced by adrenaline, and he reached for Dan’s head to capture his lips in a kiss. Dan’s hands curled into Phil’s hair and their lips moved slow but somewhat needy around each other.

Circling around, Dan moved in synch with the music while Phil was a little slower, but it didn’t matter right now. Dan slipped his tongue past Phil’s hot lips and tightened his fists in Phil’s black hair.

Their mouths were hot and the kiss became more heated with the second. Phil sucked Dan’s bottom lip between his teeth and licked into his mouth. They were sweating and their heartbeats drowned out the music.

When Dan broke the kiss to catch his breath, Phil brought his lips up to Dan’s ear. His breath was warm and Dan closed his eyes once again, angling his head away from Phil to give him more access. But Phil wasn’t planning on driving Dan crazy with hot and needy neck kisses just yet.

“We should probably go back…” He whispered, his voice signalling so much more than just going back.

Dan’s eyes shot to Phil’s and he saw him smirking slightly. Phil licked the shell of Dan’s ear teasingly and then Dan’s hands were pulling out of Phil’s hair to roughly pull him away from the almost empty restaurant. Phil heard Dan mumble something along the lines of ‘fuck me so hard’, and he chuckled.

They walked back with a pace that was probably a bit too fast, the cool air getting rather unpleasant. But they didn’t stop, although they had trouble not to just for kissing. Phil’s hand kneaded Dan’s bottom constantly while walking and when they finally reached the cabin, Dan was pulling Phil in roughly while almost undressing him simultaneously.

“Fuck I need you.” Dan’s hands were pulling on Phil’s and they stumbled towards the bedroom. Phil let out a groan and pushed the door open roughly, their eyes meeting a completely dark room.

Suddenly they remembered their argument with PJ and Chris, and when they heard the soft snores coming from the bed Dan let go of Phil and stomped hard on the floor.

“Those asses, they didn’t even ask if they could sleep in the bed tonight!” He almost yelled, and with a loud thud he shut the door again. Thinking of that ridiculously small tent in the backyard of the cabin, Dan sighed and looked back at Phil.

“Tent will have to do.” He said, and continued to undo the numerous buttons on Phil’s shirt. They opened the back door and the cold air hit them again, but it didn’t slow them down. As Phil opened the zipper to the small tent Dan quickly crawled in and lay down on the one mattress in it. It wasn’t even big enough for Dan to spread his limbs, so Phil somewhat collapsed on top of him as an impatient Dan was pulling him in.

“This is too small, Dan.” Phil said into Dan’s neck but Dan didn’t have any of that. He sat up as far as he could with his head hitting the synthetic fabric roof of the tent while his back was uncomfortably bent down.

“I don’t care,” He exclaimed while trying to buck up his hips to slide his jeans down his hips as quickly as possible. “I want you now.”

Phil groaned as his head hit the pegs of the tent but he slid down his jeans neither way. He was on his knees and leaned back so he could wriggle them over his feet, and he almost fell backwards if Dan didn’t hold him tight.

Dan laughed and he tossed their clothing aside. All that was left were their boxers now and the cold of the night began to make its way inside. A shiver ran over Dan’s spine but then he lay down on the mattress while Phil hovered above him and he didn’t feel the cold anymore. He only felt Phil.

Dan stroked up and down the front of Phil’s chest, the tips of his fingers hot against the elder’s skin. When Phil let his eyes wander over Dan’s body lying beneath him, his erection became painfully hard in his boxers.

“P-Phil… Off.” Dan ordered and Phil reached for the waistband of his boxers. He took them off with a bit of a struggle but he managed. His cock sprung free from the restraining fabric, and the elastic rubbed over his skin he had to clench his teeth to keep from touching himself.

Phil helped Dan slide down his boxers too. Dan bucked his hips up and the clothing was being tossed to one side, Dan’s cock lying hard and throbbing against his stomach.

With all their clothes discarded to one side, Phil leaned down to kiss Dan and he quickly slipped his tongue into his mouth. The kiss was breathy and messy and Dan’s hands didn’t have room to tangle themselves into Phil’s hair like he loved to do so he caressed his neck instead.

The heat coming from their bodies kept the tent warm, causing little drops of sweat to quickly appear on their skin. When Phil broke the kiss he was a panting mess. His lips were plump and red and as he looked down at Dan, lying with his eyes closed and his knees far spread, his cock twitched.

Dan let out a strangled groan and let his hands wander lower and lower until his hand wrapped itself around Phil’s throbbing cock. A blowjob wasn’t going to work in a tent like this, so they stayed in the same position while Dan’s hands jerked up and down and Phil’s soft moans filled the tent with the delicious noise.

The ceiling of the tent swirled just a little when Dan looked up, but it stopped when he closed his eyes and let Phil’s noises and warmth consume him completely.

And if it wasn’t the alcohol making this a much better experience than this was, Dan was still damn good at giving a handjob in this position. His hand skilfully worked on his cock, his thumb sliding through his slit and making Phil’s eyes flutter shut from pleasure.

“Ugh… Phil, need… you.” Dan moaned and while still moving his hand along Phil’s length with force, he reached for the lube next to the bed. They had managed to grab it from their suitcase when stumbling to the tent. He opened the lid and held it in front of him for Phil to grab it.

Phil slowly sat up on Dan’s hips, bowing his head so his head wouldn’t hit the pegs again, and he took the lube in his hand. He poured a generous amount of it on his fingers, and then shuffled backwards as far as he could. Dan spread his legs wide and their eyes locked for a moment. They were full of lust and if the tent hadn’t been so small, Dan would have reached up to kiss Phil again.

Seeing Dan’s hole clenching in anticipation drove Phil crazy and he slowly circled one finger around the rim. Dan squirmed at the touch, biting down hard on his lip. It wasn’t enough but at the same time he was on fire, Phil’s careful and teasing touches sending electric vibes through his whole body.

Phil pushed further, his finger sliding past the firm ring of muscles, and he thrust his finger hard. More was all Dan could think. He wanted to be ripped apart, stretched wide open. His precum was dripping on his stomach and if Phil didn’t do something very soon, he was going to rip out of his skin.

“Stop teasing me and fuck me.” Dan said in between heavy breaths, and then Phil was sliding in with two, three fingers, scissoring them apart and leaving Dan gaping. Dan’s fists were banging on the mattress hard and he needed something to dig his fingers in.

Phil’s erection was twitching as he saw his fingers disappear in Dan’s wet hole over and over again, and he couldn’t hold in any longer. He pulled his fingers out and fisted his hard cock to cover it in lube quickly.

“Ready?” He asked, just to be sure, but Dan was pulling him closer and whimpering and fuck he needed him right now.

Phil pressed the red tip of his cock at Dan’s rim and pushed, the skin stretching tight around Phil’s length. It was intoxicating to watch and Phil wanted to see more, so he pushed in all the way until he was fully inside of Dan.

He pulled out again with a teasingly slow pose, to let Dan adjust to him, but Dan was impatiently wriggling beneath him.

“Phil, for God sakes, move!” Dan yelled and then Phil was rocking forward with amazing force, making Dan see stars. He pulled out and pushed in again with the same speed until Dan was hitting the back of the tent with his head and he had trouble breathing.

Everything was on fire in his head and he couldn’t form one coherent thought. He was rolling his hips into Phil because he wanted only more. Phil who was hard and throbbing inside of him, he wanted only Phil.  

But Phil couldn’t fuck Dan until he didn’t know how to walk anymore and he couldn’t make love to him slowly, because this tent wasn’t meant for sex but here they were anyway. Phil relentlessly pounding into Dan while Dan had to hold himself from scratching his hand over the sides of the tent surrounding him.

His legs juddered and slid across the silky fabric of the tent. They fell to the floor immediately afterwards because the tent didn’t give enough support to hold his legs up. He slipped them around Phil’s waist instead and he screamed out because Phil was so deep inside of him. He felt it in his stomach and it was hot and tight and so much at once Dan had to close his eyes to stop his vision from spinning.

Every time Phil thrust in hard Dan rocked back and forth, and his mouth fell open as he let out whimpering noises. He felt it boiling in his stomach and when Phil shifted just a little bit he hit his spot in one go, making Dan cry out.

Phil moaned and started pounding into that same spot with hard, erratic thrusts. The sound of skin slapping on skin echoed through the small tent along with Phil’s moans and Dan’s whimpers, creating an intoxicating sound.

Their moans were probably audible through the entire street, but they didn’t have time to think about that as Phil was holding onto Dan for dear life while his cock hit Dan’s spot again and again, both moaning loud.

Dan felt almost lightheaded but it wasn’t the alcohol that did it. It was the boiling in the pit of his stomach, wanting to send him over the edge but it wasn’t enough. It was so much at once but never enough and Phil was pounding into him with such force his head fell off the end of the mattress but he barely took recognition.

He felt like crying and screaming at the same time, but he was only able to make whimpering, desperate noises as he was being spread so far over and over and over again. Phil’s cock twitched and Dan could feel him leaning down more, forcing him deeper and he knew Phil was almost on the edge.

Dan’s hands desperately gripped around the sides of the tent in search for something to hold on while Phil was ramming into him, filling him up and tearing him apart, but his fingers only slid over the smooth surface and he had to use all his willpower to not completely collapse underneath Phil.

Dan had to hold himself up and he tightened his muscles, clenching hard around Phil. Dan was so incredibly tight like this so whenever Phil pushed in, again another wave of pleasure was sent throughout his entire body. He couldn’t hold much longer, just like Dan, but kept pounding hard until it was too late to hold back.

The heat gathered in the pit of his stomach and then exploded. Travelling through his body with top speed and he was shuddering all over, his toes curling and his fingers digging in and pulling at Dan’s hips. He spilled deep into Dan, filling him with his heat.

Dan was still moaning beneath him, and as Phil gripped Dan’s leaking cock into his hand he sent him right over the edge. Dan’s legs kicked hard against the side of the tent and everything stopped for a moment. He could only scream and the white was shooting out of him with hot heat. It covered their stomachs and then all that was left was the panting and sweating.

Phil pulled out and fell next to Dan, hitting the cold floor hard, as there was no matrass left. He stared up at the ceiling of the tent and it was still swirling, so he closed his eyes instead.

“Ah…” Dan breathed, shifting more to one side of the matrass to pull Phil up. Their skin was sticking to everything, their clothes and the synthetic fabric of the tent and each other, but it didn’t matter. They felt too exhausted to care and while wrapping his hands around Phil, Dan craved sleep more than an actual bed.

Pressed up against Dan’s chest, Phil pulled the sleeping bag over his body and shuffled just a little bit closer to stop shivering. The outside air was cold at night and the tent didn’t particularly keep them warm enough. Dan’s feet were freezing and he pulled them high up, earning a groan from Phil as he kicked his knees too high up.

“Sorry.” The younger muttered, half asleep already, but Phil shook his head and brought his mouth up to kiss Dan quickly. “’S okay.”

They ruffled the sleeping bag a little more until they were comfortable and warm enough, and after that it became completely silent. No noises from outside the tent, and only their slow and heavy breaths echoing through the tent.

The alcohol and the sex were making their heads heavy, and after some time of staring up at the slightly spinning ceiling of their tent, they both fell asleep.

-

In the morning Phil’s leg had fallen off the mattress and Dan was shuffled up all the way to the front of the tent so his toes didn’t get cold. But they were still wrapped up around each other and it had definitely been the best sleep they had in ages.

[philipsenpai-fics]

The Doctor Dances

original upload date: june 17, 2014

reposted by the writer

---

word count: 5.5k

genre: crossover, fantasy, a little angst

summary: the Doctor thinks he is going to die at the end of Space and Time, and Dan is there to comfort him, but are they sure they can’t save the World?

a/n: i have so much respect for the writers of doctor who, who have to think of these mindbogglingly complicated scenarios over and over again, this one took me 3 weeks!

The Doctor stood with his hands in his pockets and stared down at the earth. The window in front of him protected him from the heat coming from the flames that slowly took over the earth. The heat did not reach him, yet he wanted to feel it. He wanted to feel their pain, because it was his fault after all. History was deleting itself and somewhere out there the Tardis, his beloved Tardis, was burning up. And he could do nothing to stop it.

It had gone wrong about 5 years ago. He was visiting the planet Delphon at the time and laid his eyes on a perfect looking hourglass. The Doctor, not careful and way too curious at the time, set his mind to it and did everything to get a hold of it. And it worked! But then he broke it, and the content of it slipped out and caused this all. It had been going on for a long time now, but slowly it was coming to an end.

Slowly, The Doctor took one hand out of his pocket, and reached for the window. When his hand touched the cold surface he felt it spreading throughout his fingers. He let his eyes wander over the earth beneath him, in all its glory that soon would be gone. Cities were burning and seas were evaporating right in front of him. Once, he walked those places, he protected them against the danger coming from outer space. Now he himself was the one who had put them in danger in the first place. He could not control himself, could not stop himself when it was already too late. He blamed himself, like he always did, and he had no idea what to do. The feeling was strange, being useless; he had never felt it before. It was making his brain ache and his hearts feel cold. He had the feeling it could be over any second; the universe would just delete itself. But it always took too long, if you wanted it to be over.

The Doctor let his forehead lean against the window, looking down and breathing steady. He wasn’t panicking, but only because he knew it was no use. Trying would only waste time, and and now that time was precious he did not want to waste any second of it. He sighed as the reality hit him hard. How long would he still have? Minutes? Hours? Days? He didn’t know, but he did know that it was all coming to an end.

Why was he alone, he wondered? Why now? He would give the world for someone to be with him in this moment. The Doctor never travels alone, not anymore. But it was no use, the world was almost gone and he was still alone. The one that saved those people many times and could not save them now was watching them, and it hurt. Oh yes, it hurt.

“If I only had the Tardis with me… I could save you all. Probably, I’m not even sure of that anymore.”

He sighed; he was talking to himself, like he always did. He could not help it, he himself was the only company he had and company was what the Doctor needed most.

“Look at me! Just look at me, standing here. Talking to myself… I don’t belong here, I am needed down there, to save you all. Yet my Tardis is gone, probably forever now, so please don’t wait for me to save you. Don’t wait for your Doctor, your useless Doctor.”

He let his hand fall down, now resting against his hip and stood up straight. He felt the need to do something; he had to move! But what was the point?

He saw something behind him from the corner of his eyes, but he didn’t feel the need to turn around. Hell, if it were a Dalek he would be glad if it killed him. Watching the earth in his last moments felt more important than turning around and looking for something that was probably not there anyway. The Doctor closed his eyes and let out a breath.

“Don’t say that, you’ve done so much.”

The voice was soft and soothing, but you could hear the pain in it. The Doctor’s eyes opened wide, he’d recognize that voice anywhere.

“It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t nearly enough.”

The Doctor said it while turning around to find two brown eyes looking right through him. The figure was leaning against the doorpost that led to the room they were in. He had one leg casually bended over the other, resting on the floor with only the point of his shoe. His hair was longer, thought the Doctor. He liked it longer, it went better with his features. When the Doctor turned around the person smiled, showing his perfect teeth and his dimples, the dimples that the Doctor loved oh so much.

Dan pushed himself away from the doorpost and took a step towards the Doctor, moving into the light the burning earth provided. Dan chose his steps carefully; it had been so long. The Doctor could have moved on, and forgot all about him. Dan didn’t like thinking about that, but it was inevitable not to think about it. He shot the Doctor another smile to make him feel a bit better.

“Don’t talk like that, Doctor. You were never useless; you’ve been there so many times. You’ve been there for all those people; so many times you’ve saved them, saved me. There’s nothing you can do, and maybe that’s okay.”

The Doctor started to shake his head in denial but Dan kept on talking, not letting the Doctor’s personality get in the way.  

“Maybe for once, you don’t have to save them all. What if it was all just a bit too much for you, you are all on your own. One man isn’t made for saving so much, time has come I’m afraid.”

“Time for what? I’m a time lord, I should know. And yet I am clueless. What is happening to those people, I can’t even understand them anymore. I’m nothing without my Tardis. Where is she?”

The Doctor lifted his hands above his head and looked worried, worried about his Tardis. Dan had heard the stories, the stories about the giant star in the sky. He knew that it was not a star, but the burning Tardis, that’s why he came here. He could find the Doctor here, watching it all, and he was right.

“I don’t know Doctor.”

Dan shrugged and looked away, not wanting to disappoint him with his answer. But the Doctor did nothing; he just looked down again and let his arms fall. He moved around a bit on his toes and kicked away a lost piece of burned paper.

The Doctor lifted his head and studied Dan, studied the missing crinkles in his forehead and his hair that still shone so brightly. There was something different about Dan, like the Doctor had seen him before. His clothes looked familiar, and Dan’s eyes looked different. “You look younger.”

“I am.” Dan simply said, smiling again. With one hand he rolled up one sleeve and revealed a small yet simple time travelling device the Doctor recognized. He had used it a very long time ago, it could travel anywhere in time and space, but only once. The person using it could go to one spot and one spot only, and later travel back.

“Remember that time in Budapest, 1946? I went to the toilet. You had no clue!” A smile danced on Dan’s lips as he told it, and the Doctor was stunned. In Dan’s universe he was taking a goddamn nap! If he had known back then he could’ve saved the world.

“Why didn’t you tell?”

Dan shook his head. “Spoilers.” He stroked the Doctor’s cheek swiftly with the back of his hand.

The Doctor still didn’t understand. “But, if you’re from the past, where are you now? You aren’t-“ His eyes shot a glance to the burning earth, and he feared the worst.

“I’m afraid I’m already dead.” Dan sighed, looking down on his home planet. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh…” The Doctor pulled a hand through his hair and stared at the earth again. He stared long, maybe a little too long. “Can’t we s-“

“No.” Dan cut him off.

“What are you doing here?” The Doctor asked, and Dan looked up, a bit surprised. He came to be there, just to be with him and to comfort him if that was needed. He wanted to be with him because he knew it was ending, he had seen enough to know that. He knew the Doctor needed company and he was afraid he didn’t have any. But it would sound a bit lame to tell the man who always saved you; you came just to be company.

“I-I… I figured something was wrong. And I thought…” The Doctor looked at him with confusion in his eyes, and some regret. “I thought y-you might need com-“

“No, I’m sorry.” The Doctor took a step closer to Dan and looked him in his eyes. “Of course I need you, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m a bit… off.” He admitted, and he looked around the room with emptiness in his eyes. “I just don’t know what to do and it feels weird, I’m not used to this. And I need someone really bad, but that’s hard admitting to yourself. It’s always hard admitting you’re weak.”

“You are not weak! You’re the least weak person I’ve ever known.” Dan defended the Doctor against his own thoughts.

“I remember that time we were together for the very first time. It was on new earth, in the grasses near new New York. Oh, the grass smelled nice, it was all so nice. We lay in the grass that day, just that. Nothing more. We didn’t need more, and I thought we didn’t even need each other. Boy, I was wrong.”

“I never thought you’d fall for me, Doctor. Not me, I’m nothing special.”

“You are, you’re the most special person I’ve ever met. It feels so weird standing here with you, at the end of space and time. You know how it ends, don’t you. You get back eventually after your ‘toilet break’, right? You survive. Why can’t you tell me?” He asked again, desperate to know how he was going to die here today.

“I can’t. Take my hand doctor, you’ve always wanted to dance, remember? It’s your last chance.”

“My last chance, it truly is, isn’t it?” The doctor said. He was going to die here; he could hear the sadness in Dan’s voice. He took Dan’s hand. “We could’ve done so much together. I could’ve taken you to the Ood, and the Midnight train. I could’ve shown you every single star in the Gallifreyan galaxy.”

“But we did so much together doctor, I was always there. Waiting for you I guess, on the moon, on earth, even on the spaceship called England, on Barcelona. Not the place Barcelona, the planet Barcelona. Though I wish I was on the titanic, I’ve heard stories and they were wonderful.”

“It was nothing. But time with you never seems enough. I always wanted to see more of that beautiful face of yours.” Their bodies were flushed together and they danced, heads just inches apart from each other.

“I’m here now. Dancing with you. Dancing till the end of space and time.”

“The end of space and time, I never really believed in the stories about this moment. My father used to tell me about it, as some sort of scary bedtime story.”

“It’s real though, the end. We’re here, and there’s no escape possible. And maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s good we don’t have anything to worry about now.” They spun around and the Doctor closed his eyes.

“I never not worry, but I guess you’re right. No escape possible, we better make the best of it. It’s only minutes away now.

“Have I ever told you I love you?” He opened his eyes again and looked at Dan’s sad, brown eyes from the past.

“Plenty.” Dan smiled, bringing his body even closer to the Doctors’.

“Well it never feels like enough, so I’m saying it again. I love you Dan, with all my hearts. I need you, and I will always need you. I don’t know how much time we’ve got left, but for that time I’ll need you. You were the one that made me realise I can be part of something, that I’m not alone.”

“I love you too, Doctor.”

“Don’t be afraid, Dan. You know my name, you better make use of it before it’s too late.”

“I love you, Phil. And I’ll never stop loving you. We’ll stay together.”

Dan’s hands were wrapped around Phil’s neck and they kissed, lips fitting together like two puzzle pieces. Dan brought his hand to the back of Phil’s head and held him closer, and they almost became one.

Feeling Dan’s lips on his brought the Doctor’s mind back to the time everything was right. Budapest. Their -sort of- honeymoon. Not a worry in the world, and Phil felt kind of betrayed. While he thought they were having the time of their lives, Dan lived through the end of the world without even telling him. They had to do something, something to save it. It could be done; it had to be done.

The Doctor’s eyes shot open and he broke their kiss, bringing his hands to his head and realising this wasn’t over at all. Dan looked at him, shocked, but soon realised it didn’t go wrong at all.

“What is it?” He asked, cupping Phil’s cheeks and looking him in his blue eyes that had that spark he hadn’t seen before again.

“If you go back, you can’t return, right?” The Doctor asked Dan, and Dan nodded. “Wrong.” The Doctor contradicted. “I’ve got my Tardis! Central Library Budapest. Second floor, behind the 7th Russian dictionary. You have to, no, you need to convince me to go here and-“

“But you’re here, Doctor, the Tardis is burning up right now. How can we ever use it?” Dan asked, completely lost.

“No, Dan, think again! Ha!” The Doctor almost jumped up and down. “I dohave the Tardis; I’m taking a nap in it right now! Just think Dan, think!”

“I don’t unde-“ Dan’s confusion grew with the second until he knew. In the Doctor’s time he was already dead, but in his own time he was still alive. The Doctor, in Dan’s time, was in his Tardis, in Budapest. “Oh! OH! I’ve got to go, now! We’re going to save the world!” Dan exclaimed, and he threw his arms around Phil.

“Ok Dan, you’ve got exactly…” The Doctor turned on his sonic screwdriver. “2 hours and 42 minutes to get me here, I don’t care if we’re breaking at least 27 Laws of Time, bring me here!”

Dan turned around and set his time travel wristband to its destination, and he felt the air turning and twisting around him.

“Doctor,” Dan faced the Doctor one more time, “if I don’t make it, please remember that I love you so, so incredibly much.” Before time faded away around Dan he connected his lips to the Doctors’ one last time, and he swore he saw tears in his eyes.

Dan was back in Budapest within two seconds, although he felt like he was gone for hours. He remembered the Doctor’s instructions and he glanced at his watch, 2 hours and 40 minutes to go. He ran towards the library and flung open the door, receiving many rude looks from visitors. He didn’t care. He ran up the stairs until he was on the second floor and a speck of blue caught his sight, the Tardis.

Hidden from all other visitors, the Tardis stood in the corner of the library with its doors still open, and Dan stepped inside like he was back home. The Doctor, completely clueless, lay on two chairs, snoring. Dan chuckled at the sight, but rushed over and shook the Doctor awake.

“Wake up! We need to leave, Doctor! Wake. UP!” The Doctor’s eyes shot open and a pair of blue oceans looked up at Dan.

‘What?’ He asked with a sleepy voice, slowly sitting up and rubbing the back of his head.

“You need to go to the end of time. Right now, I can’t explain but you needto do it. You’ve got 1 and a half hour.” Dan almost yelled and the Doctor jumped up, surprised by Dan’s words.

“What do you mean? I was taking a nap, did the world end while I was taking a nap?”

“Sort of, please just do it. I’m begging you!” Dan’s voice raised and he almost pulled the Doctor to the center of the Tardis where her control panel was. The Doctor, still surprised by Dan’s sudden rush, started pulling levers and pushing buttons. He was so used to this he didn’t even have to think anymore. Well, he always forgot the breaks but that wasn’t really necessary, was it?

The library vanished around them and they were flying, weightless in time and space, and before they knew it they arrived. The Tardis landed on the ship the future Doctor was on, just around the corner. When they arrived, the Doctor, pacing up and down the room, looked up at the sound of his Tardis. Dan was back, and so was he.

“I-I remember…” The Doctor said to himself, and he felt his memories growing as he remembered going here. He didn’t know how it ended though; they still had to experience that part.

A familiar head of brown hair appeared, followed by himself. He smiled at Dan and Dan smiled back, only a bit unsure.

“God, I look old.” The Doctor recognized his own voice and looked at himself, slightly smiling. He looked 20 years younger and he must admit, he looked stunning. His black hair was shining and his eyes had that spark of excitement in them, things he had lost over time. His hair was now faint and his eyes were old, just like the soul within him.

“Ok, this is weird.” Dan looked from one Doctor to the other and didn’t know on whose side he should stand. “I have seen many weird stuff but this is properly weird.”

Both Doctor’s chuckled and pulled out their sonic screwdrivers, one looking less shiny than the other. “Let’s save the world.” The younger Doctor said, turning around and practically skipping to the Tardis, and his older self looked at him with admiration. So much excitement, so much joy… He thought, remembering he was always so full of joy when he was younger. How did he ever lose it?

They entered the Tardis and the older one felt at home, but he didn’t touch anything. “Wow…” He just said, looking around.

“What? You still know her, right?” His younger self asked, walking towards the panels once again.

“Oh yes I do; only she’s burning up in the sky right now. With one snap of my fingers I could blow up the entire planet beneath us.” The Doctor sighed.

“Oh… that’s-“ the younger Doctor replied to himself but didn’t actually know what to say to this. His blue box, his Tardis, was it gone? He looked at himself and wondered what was going to happen to him, resolving in this situation.

“Ok boys, enough chatter, time to go.” Dan clapped his hands together and looked at both Doctors, waiting for them to do something. “Wait, where do we actually go?”

The old Doctor smiled as he looked at Dan. He was so young still; and had all that curiosity still stuffed inside him, wanting to get out.

“Doctor!” Dan called, and both heads shot his way. “Yes?” “What?” Two questions were asked at the same time and Dan sighed, he needed to solve this problem.

“Ok, this is not working. From now on I’m calling you,” he pointed at the younger Doctor, “Phil, and you” he turned around and looked at the other Doctor, “you are still Doctor.”

“Why aren’t I Phil? My name is Phil too?” The Doctor exclaimed and he pouted, pointing at Phil. “Because, you are both the Doctor and Phil, but I’ll go nuts if I keep calling you the same thing. I’m just another ordinary human being and I’m already having a hard time understanding this.” Dan took Phil’s hands in his and caressed his palms with his thumbs.

“Now go somewhere because we still need to save the world, remember?”

“Right.” The Doctor said, and he looked at himself. “We need to go back about, um… 5 years I think, to the planet Delphon.” Phil started moving the Tardis again and they were on their way. The Doctor still looked at himself, touching the handles he hadn’t touched in several years. Thinking back to the day he was on Delphon, a silly little planet, he smiled in himself. “Don’t know why I was there though, but I shouldn’t have smashed that hourglass. I shouldn’t have.” He mumbled something in himself and sat down on the chairs, completely forgetting he had company.

“Why not, Doctor? Is that what triggered all this?” Dan asked, sitting down next to the Doctor. The Doctor snapped out of his daydream and looked at Dan sitting with him, and he was glad he had company again, he was glad he had his Dan again.

“Yes, it was an hourglass from Gallifrey, containing… well, containing time. Not time, but let’s just call it that way or else no one would understand it anymore-“

“I would.” Phil said, looking over at his older self, sitting with Dan, and he laughed.

“I know that, I am you.” The Doctor laughed too and continued. “I broke it some time ago, we didn’t know what we were doing and we smashed it, thinking it contained something useful, something we could use against the Daleks. We were wrong though, before anyone here wants to steal it…” He eyed Phil, who was already glancing at the door. “It contained something much worse; it contained regenerations. And let’s just say that regenerations without a regenerator don’t really work in the way you want them to work. My Tardis sucked it up, basically, and then time ate her away. Until she blew up about 5 years later, she’s still burning on time.” The Doctor let his head fall forward and he sighed, he had been so naïve and influenced by fortune and power, and love.

Dan patted his back and tried to comfort his Doctor, but he didn’t really know what to do. He still had to experience that part, and he didn’t know if you could change the future and history at the same time. Behind them, Phil was still trying to land on the planet Delphon, which caused some bumps in the road because he had never been there before.

“So, what do we do then, Doctor?” Dan asked carefully, still stroking the Doctor’s back.

“I hide it. That’s the only option. If you two don’t know where it is you won’t be able to break it.”

Dan slowly nodded in understanding, and Phil nodded too despite the slight frown on his face. The Doctor knew Phil wanted to find it, but that just couldn’t be happening. And since hiding it would be the only option, they had to go with that.

Of course the Doctor had tried to find another, better solution, but in the midst of his thoughts their little Tardis arrived on the destined planet, Delphon. It was an interesting planet, quite a bit of nightlife and surely a good place for a drink, but it wasn’t big. The natives communicated with their eyebrows and you always needed to keep your eyes open for robbers, who thought amputated limbs were ridiculously attractive.

As the Doctor stepped out of the blue box, he recognized it immediately. The large stone buildings, the bright lights everywhere and the big church in the middle. A warm breeze ran over their faces and it seems to be the middle of the night, because there were only a couple of drunken natives strutting around.

“This way…” The Doctor instructed, and led Dan and Phil to the place they had to go. It was a shop, a little shop the Doctor had often visited. Dan had come along a few times, and that shop held a few special memories.

The hourglass was located at the back of the shop, where no one came except the owner. The owner was asleep now, the Doctor knew that, and with use of his sonic they could easily enter.

“Okay, now you two need to stay back! Don’t sneak up on me and don’t wander off. I’m going to hide this hourglass and then we’ll go back before we meet ourselves.”

Phil nodded but Dan didn’t understand, and furrowed his brows. “Meet ourselves? Are we here, then?”

“Yes we are, it happened around this time so I have to hurry before we finish.” The Doctor tried to remember this day clearly, and then he saw the look on Dan’s face his eyes shot wide open and his cheeks grew a dark red.

“Finish what?” Dan asked again, his curiosity never ending.

“F-Finish no-nothing…” The Doctor kicked a stone out of his way and stumbled backwards. To put it simply, Dan and Phil’s future selves were having sex in one of the toilet cubicles of a nightclub, one of the best nights of his life if he was honest. The Doctor swallowed and supressed a laugh, turning around to hide the hourglass they were speaking of.

He stumbled through the shop, which was extremely messy and dusty, and knocked over the door to the back. He let his eyes wander over all the trash and the less valuable things that didn’t deserve a place in the shop, until he found the shelf he was looking for. It contained a few Gallifreyan things, things no one thought were valuable on this planet because no one knew what to do with it, and the Doctor’s eyes eventually landed on the hourglass about as big as the average hand.

Reaching up, the Doctor quickly grabbed it and turned around. He had to hide it somewhere they would never find it. And knowing himself, he was a pretty good detective for valuable things like this. So empty corners or the back of a drawer was no option, no, he had to think more creative.

The basement, perhaps? He thought, but that would be too obvious.

“Is everything all right?” Dan called, and the Doctor almost dropped the hourglass.

“Ahh!” Ducking down, he laced his hands tightly around the glass of the fragile object, and silently cursed. “Yes! Just a minute!” He replied, and quickly hurried to the very back of the shop. He had never been there before, due to the lack of interest, and figured his past self would find it boring too.

His eyes landed on an old looking wooden box, and the Doctor wriggled it open with his long fingers. He wrapped the hourglass in some of the old blankets and stuffed it inside the box, continuing to lock it once it was inside.

Satisfied, the Doctor walked back to where Dan and Phil were standing, and he grinned widely.

“Done.” He fixed his tie and walked in front of them, back to the Tardis.

Once they were all inside, Dan had another question ready, because this slightly made no sense to him at all.

“Um… How are you still here?” He asked, rubbing his palms together awkwardly. “Aren’t you supposed to vanish?”

“Well, let’s see, shall we?” The Doctor flashed a smile at Dan and walked over to the control panels.

If they managed to travel back to the time they were before, and everything was normal again, their plan worked. If that timeline was still counting down to the end of the universe, they had to figure out something else in less than 40 minutes…

The Doctor turned a few levers and set the right time on the Tardis, and flew swiftly back. He saw Phil eyeing him from one of the chairs, and he grinned shamelessly. He had become so much better at flying the Tardis over the years; he liked to brag.

The Tardis shook, and Dan had to grab the back of Phil’s chair, but they moved. They moved fast, much to the Doctor’s happiness, and once the Tardis stood steady he let out a breath. He really hoped the normal earth would be behind those doors. His heartbeats sped up, because if the Doctor saw the earth burning still, all their work didn’t help at all and he would still die.

He crossed his fingers and didn’t look at Dan, who stuck out his arm and opened his mouth, ready to warn the Doctor. He didn’t listen and walked quickly past him, reaching for the handles of the two blue doors. With his hearts beating in his stomach now and sweat on his brow, he pulled lightly and light shone inside in a clean stroke. The smell of grass and apple filled the air and the Doctor inhaled, smiling with one corner of his mouth.

He looked back and then pulled open the doors entirely, revealing a grass field with plenty of healthy trees and the view of a city in the background. The Doctor’s face broke into a wide grin and he closed his eyes to let the wind blow softly over his face.

It was all right. He was back home, back where he belonged! Opening his eyes, the Doctor sighed contently and carefully took one step out of the Tardis from the past. A pair of strong arms wrapped around him and suddenly he was being turned around again, his lips bumping into something soft.

He opened his eyes in shock and saw Dan kissing him, and he hesitatingly wrapped his arms around him too. Their lips connected and disconnected in a sloppy kiss and the Doctor didn’t know if he had to feel happy or not, because Dan’s Doctor, the young one, was standing in the doorway behind them and didn’t seem to be glad about this.

The young Doctor coughed and Dan quickly jumped backwards, his cheeks turning bright red. “Well… I guess this is goodbye then…” He murmured, and the Doctor chuckled.

“Not at all…” He placed a quick kiss on Dan’s cheek whether Phil wanted that or not, and looked at the field where they were standing in again. Behind some of the trees was a figure, if he wasn’t wrong. And as the Doctor squinted his eyes he recognized who it was.

“This is merely a reunion!” He exclaimed, and he smiled at that figure behind the trees. Dan followed his gaze and his mouth fell open. Behind the tree… it was, it was him! A few grey streaks in his hair, but it was definitely himself!

Dan took a step backwards as the Doctor approached the older Dan, and Phil took his hand.

“You know, after all that happened today, it’s good to know I still have you after all those years.” Phil whispered in his ear, and Dan smiled and cupped Phil’s cheek with one hand and quickly placed a kiss on his lips.

In the field, the Doctor had found his Dan. He might have missed a few years of his life, but he finally had him back again. The Doctor stroked a few streaks of hair out of Dan’s face and wrapped his arms around him, not letting go before he had saved this moment forever in his head.

“Hey…” He whispered, inhaling through his nose to capture the familiar odor of Dan’s hair.

Dan’s arms wrapped tighter around his waist and their torso’s were flushed together. “Welcome back…” His voice was a little lower than the younger Dan, but still exactly how the Doctor remembered it. “Where have you been up to?”

“You know, just…” The Doctor untangled himself from their embrace and loosely wrapped one arm around Dan’s shoulders. They started walking and the Doctor gazed upon Dan’s profile, the orange colours of the sun reflecting in his eyes. “just saving the world.”

Dan smiled and locked eyes with him, pulling a hand through the Doctor’s black hair. “As usual? Good.” He pecked his nose and lowered his hand until it fit perfectly in the back pocket of the Doctor’s jeans.

-

“So, where to? Now that our future selves have wandered off…” Phil asked Dan, who was still wrapped up in his arms.

“Well… what about something a little less complicated?” Dan chuckled as he wrapped his arms tighter around Phil and pushed him towards the control panel.

Phil nodded and let go of Dan with one arm to push down two red buttons, setting the Tardis free from her current timeline. “I suppose Jalian 17 is all right for a party…”