Remember Bea? She asked this question back in October 2013 that was answered by Dr. Michi Fu:
I’ve always been more muscular than any of the females in my family. I dress in boys clothing and cut my hair short because that’s how I feel comfortable. Unfortunately, this small amount of comfort doesn’t eliminate low self-esteem. I’m struggling right now to build up my confidence and to learn to love myself due to recently relocation back to my parents’ house.
Because of my androgynous look, I still get put down for being “not man, not woman.” It hurts because I’m trying so hard to figure out my identity and can’t come out to my parents (fearing that “my-daughter-can’t-be-gay” scene from “Saving Face” every day). I can’t help feeling like I’m moving backwards into a negative environment. Perhaps Chinese parents just have their own weird way of expressing love to their children.
If there’s anybody else out there that feels this way or knows of any advice that may be comforting, I would really appreciate it. I’m seeking therapy currently with the Asian American Wellness Center, but it’d be nice to hear from others as well.
She wrote us recently with an update and we were so happy to hear from her:
The past several years have been spent "re-wiring" that inner critic; I'm still not sure whether or not it's the voice of my conservative and critical traditional Cantonese father, or something that I adopted unhealthily after being exposed to it for so many years. My "look" still remains androgynous but leans to more softer, feminine side - I've grown out my hair and only put makeup on for formal occasions but I still choose suits over dresses.
With the help of therapy, I've been able to work through the guilt that comes with "living your own life/making your own decisions" versus "doing what's right and honorable for the family." There have been many times that I hold myself back by worrying about my mom (she lives by herself in the Bay Area as I have no other siblings or relatives from her side of the family here in the US) and it's been a struggle looking for the perfect job that allows me to be a creative while dealing with the expenses that comes with living in big cities like San Francisco/Los Angeles.
2016 has felt more of an awakening for me, learning to not put up with critical remarks (from others or myself), repeating to myself that I'm strong, independent and can fight through anything as long as I put my mind to it. I have not introduced anybody to the folks yet and keep my dating life and sexuality quite private from them, but I hope that along the way I'll find somebody who is right and able to understand (or be sympathetic to) the struggles with growing up as a first generation Asian American and coming out. To this day, I'm thankful to you both for providing such a wonderful outlet and will continue to support your efforts.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Bea, and for keeping up with this/OUR space. We are proud of how far you’ve come and we continue to root for you! The guilt that you’re referring to is something that I feel often. I’ve landed on doing what I can and not let my family be a trigger for me. A lot of this is about letting go and being present.
We’re thankful for you and the update. Hopefully we’ll hear from other readers with their updates too!
