chronically ch(ill) @pickyourheartupoffthefloor - Tumblr Blog

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week eight and i’m full of hate 😩 i hate this episode and how it’s making me feel. the last depressive episode i had was so brutal and devastating because i felt all this self doubt and hatred i hasn’t felt since i was a teenager. it’s come back so while it’s not as severe, i feel like my inability to function is so much worse. i’m struggling with everyday stuff especially all the stuff that helped me have some kind of routine and normalcy last time. this essay is fucking me up and i just feel lost and awful and so emotionally worn out from the past month 😞😞😞

japanese patties with slaw and wasabi mayo 👌🏻 this depressive episode is crippling and nothing that kept me together last time is there or possible so i just feel hopeless and like i’m a shell of the person i was 6 weeks ago. ticking every damn box for depression and it’s just weighing on me so heavily. i’ve gotten nothing done on my essay this weekend and have just been crying and having panic attacks. i just want to feel okay again and i don’t know how long that’s going to take 😞 i want to do my essay and find a housemate and just feel like myself again and it’s painful to miss yourself so much

thursday nights seem to be the hardest lately. going to group is hard and the trip there and back feels long and group takes quite a lot out of me. i don’t feel positive about the things we discuss and i feel like i have nothing good to report so by the time i finally get home i just feel so sad and empty. after facing the week all alone and not having any potential housemates to meet with on the weekend, i just flop in bed and feel awful. i don’t have a fun outing this weekend because i’m too worried the crowds at the aflw will be too much to handle and i’ve got an essay to write so i feel like i have nothing but anxiety and stress awaiting me. anxious about talking to my teacher on monday and i’m just trying so hard to remind myself why this is important and something i need to do and not let anxiety rule this. i am just struggling to find good moments because i know that’s the best i can hope for right now. coming out of this depressive episode is going to be slow and it won’t really hit until i’ve had a few good days in a row and i’ll go oh wait i haven’t cried in a while or felt anxious or upset and then it’ll hit me like a ton of bricks in a good way just how many things have improved. very very very over feeling depressed 😞 i feel like a very hollow version of myself and i miss the version of me i love and enjoy

living alone is really bad for me and it’s probably going to be a few more weeks. still no solid interest so i’m emailing my ex housemate on the weekend to tell her she needs to pay rent again. just gotta keep looking and messaging people and hope next week is more successful. he might pee on the carpet sometimes and barks at people, cats and dogs who go past but he loves me on those really hard days and reminds me i’m important, matter, worthy of love and a happy home and i’ve had a lot of them lately

chilli con carne with a major side of depression 😩 showered, did housework and cooked dinner despite spending the afternoon crying so idk if it’s a win or a tie at this point. this shit sucks

he does an amazing job of loving me on the days i struggle

classes this tri have rattled me and it didn’t happen last year but i figure it’s due to wanting to work on getting experience this year and kicking things up a notch. after making myself cry on the train home from insta captioning it took me a bit to realise a lot of this comes down to having a depressive episode. sometimes the symptoms can be subtle and i think today is a good example of it. the career and job prospects, anxiety and doubts i have might be factual but they might only be 20% where my brain feels like it’s 80%. so it’s all consuming and feels depressing and impossible when it might only be a small part. i got good feedback on my first essay and heard from a really awesome speaker today. i think the long day just drains me a bit so my anxiety comes up easily and it’s hard not to be thinking about where i wanna go in life and what i wanna do. i am so fucking worn out though so i’m very thankful to have leftovers and fruit salad. i also don’t have another early morning til the 9th so i’m going to enjoy my sleep and hope this depressive episode doesn’t get too much worse

week seven and this morning is a struggle 😩 i’m going to be counting down til i can flop in bed later for sure. last week was a public holiday, next week i don’t have a morning class and the week after is easter so at least that means no early mornings for a few weeks

thai style pork salad 👌🏻 three weeks and no solid interest with potential housemates and it fucking sucks. i hate living alone 😩😩😩 doing all the housework sucks, not cooking tons sucks, cooking for one and eating alone sucks. i just hate it and want to find someone new and wonderful already. i don’t want to settle for the first person i interview and want to have a few options so here is to hoping this week brings me a bit more success

saturday night aflw 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

the relief of submitting your essay without any further panic attacks. things had been building for a while and wednesday was just breaking point and that’s okay. i still have two more essays and a group assignment and at this point it’s making me wish it was an exam 😩 time to breathe and pay myself on the back and hope this gives me my first hd 🤞🏻

feeling tired and awful and it just sucks. i wanted to skip group to finish my essay but i’m dragging myself there. stressed that i don’t have any potential housemates to meet this weekend and just feel like my ex housemate has given me no proof that she’ll be cooperative and pay more rent. i don’t want to settle for the first person i interview and end up with a bad fit like before. things just suck and i feel like i’m trying really hard to keep together but i had two awful panic attacks last night and everything i’ve been terrified of hitting me from the past few weeks hit me so hard 😞😞😞 just gotta try take each day as it comes and hope things somehow work out

black bean, corn, roasted red capsicum, tomato and jalapeno quesadillas 😍😍😍 the flip was a bit of an epic fail like today has felt. the day after a really good day always feels a bit off and difficult even if i don’t actually feel bad. this essay is definitely a struggle and i feel like i haven’t done enough work on it tonight but don’t want to go to the hassle of getting an extension. i know they exist for a reason and i have a pretty high stress situation happening right now as i’m about to post a fb ad. i just need to practice some self care and kindness and get the medical certificate and see how i go tomorrow night and whether i can finish it or not. if i do then i do and if i don’t then i can use the extension. tomorrow i’ll go to the dr, get some donuts and fruit salad and hope for the best but hopefully allow myself some compassion that i’m just trying my best and if i can’t get it all done tomorrow then that’s okay. time to flop in bed and watch some tv

no eight dua lipa 😍 i don’t think i even saw eight last year so this feels awesome. the palais is such a cool venue and i’ve seen some amazing shows here like florence and the machine when i first moved properly to melb and knew this was the beginning of things really falling into place. i saw halsey here and it was a defining point in my life because i was incredibly sick with migraines and hit a turning point of them going from bad to horrific and i almost didn’t go but i pushed myself. i sat at the side of the venue with the staff and just felt my life aligning and making sense and that i wanna work in music and found the right degree and over two years later it’s so much better. i know live music is where i belong and that it’s going to be a challenge to get experience and work my way up and juggle my health problems but it’s where my passion is. it’s a daunting thing to undertake and i’m going to face continued anxiety over inexperience and my age and my health issues but what’s the point of anything if i’m not following what makes me the happiest and turning that into what almost my entire world revolves around. my happiness is so important to me and i know as each concert goes by things are feeling better and i’m getting closer to my goals of working and doing this 👌🏻 today’s been a good day and i really really needed it

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