even though i know he will never see this, and doubt anyone else will care to read either, the emotional roller coaster i am currently on is telling me to write this. to just let it all out. that this will somehow make me feel better and take some of the pain out of my chest. but i met this boy in the summer of 2015. the first time he walked into my friends dark basement and sat in the beanbag chair in the corner, i immediately thought he was so cute. no boys ever showed interest in me, so i was surprised to see my friend text me just a few days later telling me he wanted my number and to hang out again sometime soon. i’m not going to type out all the little details of how we became to be, because that is too painful for me. but all i can say is that we fell in love, but we fell in love fast. we did everything together. we would always make time for each other. he would ask about my day and make me feel like i was so lucky. all that cliche bullshit. he never cheated on me, he wasn’t that type. i was jealous of other girls of course, but he never did anything with them. i would see him every day, multiple hours a day, and never got tired of him. the summer of 2016 we basically lived with each other. the only time we didn’t see one another is if one was out of town, and even that was too long of a time for us to bear. he was my best friend. the best friend that i have ever had. i told him so much shit that i have never dared told anyone else, and he did the same with me. i had thoughts of what we would be like in college, living away from him but knowing we would make it work, because we always did right? i even had fucking thoughts about marrying the guy. yup. marriage. i know i’m dumb and naive to believe that i would marry him. but i thought it anyway. then i started to notice little things about him annoying me. nothing deal breaking, but things that wouldn’t annoy me before started to really get under my skin. i questioned whether this things drove me completely away, but they didn’t. he genuinely made me feel beautiful, special, and all the other nasty couple shit people don’t want to hear about. but it was so fucking nice. so fucking nice. then, not even two days ago, he broke my heart in my driveway. about the same exact time i’m typing this. he told me it would be easier to break up now, than in eight months at the end of the school year. the thing is, we had talked about this. not even a week before. we both agreed that we would decide on what we were going to do later, and enjoy the time we had left together. that was our plan. we were going to go to homecoming (which would exactly be our one year) and prom and spend all the time we could with one another. i saw everything in my future literally crash and burn in that car. he was crying. i was crying. we were both sobbing. i got out of the car and ran inside, straight to my room. he texted me as soon as he got home that he loved me, and he always will. i told him he had no fucking right to say that to me, not after he just crushed my heart. i called him in hysterics, begging him to reconsider and to please continue our relationship. he told me he couldn’t and that he was sorry. i told him to have a nice life, and that was the last thing i have said to him. probably the last thing i will say to him. i threw his shit into a box and had his friend come pick it up. i deleted all of my pictures with him, blocked him and anyone who would post pictures with him on social media. the thought of him with other girls makes me physically sick. i haven’t really eaten anything for the past two days, all the crying i have done has made me too nauseous. but as i’m sitting here, typing this all out for myself, i have realized that he was the one that fucked up. i hope he realizes what he’s done, that he has lost the only girl who would put up with his shit. i told him that i wouldn’t and can’t be friends with him, that it was all or nothing. and he decided what he wanted. do i hate him? no. do i love him? yes. but i’m getting over it. i can feel myself healing already, slowly getting better. i’m going to miss talking to him every day, having someone always there. but he lost me, gave up on me, so why should i care? the pain in my chest will heal with time, but i hope he regrets the decision he made forever.
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