PIELOAF 2.0 @pieloaf - Tumblr Blog

New game!

Bike and yoga and poverty. The poverty is important because pasta & rice & bread have replaced kale most of the time. The bike is important because it is transportation and therapy. The yoga is important because it is extra therapy. Someday, I will have disposable income again! I am learning to code, which is what I focused on in school in the first place over 15 years ago, but that's slow. I am so ok with slow and I blame precision nutrition. Everything is okay. This moment is not ideal, but what moment is? I am at 135 depending on the time of day, but I still do want to lean out. A challenge on cereal grains, but doable.

alas!

still plodding along. took a little bit of a break around christmas - we had family here from the 26 to the 1 and i didn't get many workouts in,but plenty of bike riding and some extra hours (read: extra steps and lifting and movement) at work. i slacked on measurements and photos because i was convinced all those cookies (i mean. a LOT of cookies.) were going to have messed me up. but they have not!

since starting consistent workouts and really paying attention to mindful eating i am down 6 inches in girth. i'd like to get smaller, and the rate has slowed, but it's also january and that means i like to eat for the sake of eating, and drink for the sake of drinking, and comfort is harder to obtain! though i have taken to trying to run / dance around and workout instead of turning the heat on. craziness, here it is.

i still should write down what i eat, but i truly feel like that pulls me into disorder. because if i eat too much and know i eat too much, and its recorded, it is there staring me in the face for the rest of the day. but if i eat too much and say to self "it's fine. it'll digest. forget about it and do something else" - that turns the lurking bug to purge right off and it IS fine and i DO forget about it.

so i am low on bank accounts, which kind of bugs me but i live pretty simply so it's not a huge deal --- but its always in the back of my mind because emergencies happen and what not. but really, what frustrated me most about my jobs thus far was: lack of activity and lack of interest. this job is never boring and it challenges me to speak to people and i'm active all day. but it's funny that the price of a happy body is so much compared to being paid a lot to sit in a box and type on a keyboard all day, with some homework into the night. i don't think i can do that ever again.

write down what you eat habit

so, i haven't been following the lessons, just the workouts. i'm on week 2 of phase 4. but it's about time i start writing down what i eat, because i'm noticing it gets out of hand some days where i'm not even very physically active.

today: 5:45am 1/3 cup oats, 1 egg yolk, 1/2 tbsp butter. 2 cups coffee, 1 tbsp half & half. not starving, but preparing for Non-Desk-Job.

(planned)

9am: apple, handful almonds

after that, sunday funday but i'm doing my best to stay away from beer - personal experiments prove that although it is delicious it hurts my brain for days afterwards. i'm not riding to work today, but we will probably either ride or walk a bunch of miles.

nearing end of phase 3?

i haven't been following lessons or habits at all. "write down what you eat" i believe was the next one, and it was just too much for me to handle. i'm doing the workouts and biking 10-17 miles a day and eating the entire kitchen and STILL staying sane, losing inches, feeling a nice state of contentment and control. the workouts are challenging and the bike riding replaces intervals. trying to get 6 miles to work by 6:45am in 40 degree weather on a bike is generally inadvertent intervals!

helps that the morning job is constant activity. i have a fitbit and am at the 'suggested activity level for sedentary americans' by 11am on most days. no longer sedentary! totally broke, totally not "using my education," but completely content. current total measurement girth is 200.275. photos later this week and maybe will make the bodylog public, as its kind of exciting to see the change even if i'm not exactly where i want to be yet. i'm closer every week!

reduced the hours for the other job. it was a stressor physically emotionally and mentally and not worth the hassle for me. i got nothing else to say about that right now.

and a word about carbs. i know they're gonna slam me with the "watch your carbs obsessively compulsively disorderly" habit sometime soon which is another reason i've been ignoring the habits. i want to search and reference habits when i need them, not in some weird agenda/chronology. on work days i am so active that the "carb timing" thing is irrelevant. i can eat them. i have noticed that sugar doesn't bother me as much as gluten; brown rice is totally okay, winter squash is pretty much ideal, and beer fucks me up for a week or so, where cider/liquor just make me a little dehydrated the next day. also, good meat is expensive, and i can make a week's worth of mostly balanced lentil soup out of a handful of lentils, and some rice and a can of tomatoes.

it's really not a big deal! but all of this was such a big deal when i had a lot of income and a lot of time sitting at a desk and too many options to make a holistic choice about what my body needed to sustain its level of activity.

beginning of phase 3

i haven't been keeping up with the lessons (!) but with the workouts i've been consistent.

i got sick last weekend and things got a little sloppy. work takes up a lot of 'sit and think about things' time, but i'm super active. the problem with being super active is that i make exceptions for sugar. i'm noticing that sugar and/or cottage cheese/ff yogurt are causing major digestive discontent, probably bloat too, cellulite is more visible. measurements off. i FEEL better, overall, but the mind is not 98% there, more like 82% sometimes.

annnd i gotta get going to work, will update more someday....

end of week 7

lesson this week was protein with every meal. i've been doing alright with protein, but trying to focus more on 80% and slowing down, still! it's the tough one.

protein for me is on the backburner for several reasons. i'm riding 15 miles a day (thank goodness for free parking downtown on sunday mornings, not riding today and my legs are thankful for the break) (though you know i do kinda wanna ride) (no!) measurements seem to be going down regardless if i am perfect about protein. so, it's working, so far. but like, today, i probably will keep protein on the low because not active.

with my life right now i've got things back how i am comfortable growing. i'm active at my jobs. i'm active getting to my jobs. there's virtually no sitting in most of my days! it's awesome. i don't have much money, but everything is calm enough in the right directions.

last week i was freaking out a little because measurements had gone way up. turned out it was that time of the month. this week they're 'way down' but really just as down as they would be had last week followed the pattern measurements have gone so far. so it's fine. everything's fine! it's only when i start to second guess or get paranoid or freak out and let that take over and dictate my behavior ("booo i'm no good, i'm not even losing anything, i'm not gonna work out today") that things slip. it's brain-driven.

yesterday i had a gin and tonic and (50% of!) a greasy reuben for lunch and everything's okay.

phase 1 success

today is the last day of phase 1. i took my measurements. weight is about a pound down (we don't care about weight around here) and has been virtually immovable since the start. again, we don't care about that in these parts.

the measurements! 4.7 inches down in 6 weeks. i feel better. clothes fit better. the too-small shorts i don for my photos still don't fit, but the point is that they're ridiculously too-small and i don't want to get too confident about losing inches. otherwise i'll quit right now. and i have a lot to go.

i know i shouldn't identify with a size or a number but. part of my ideal end goal is to fit in the vast majority of sizes 6 and under. i don't want to be bigger than a size 6. (of course there will be occasional outliers above and under 6 because women's clothing is the devil.) letting go of that standard is what got me here in the first place. i do hold keeping my body in check as a goal, part of my identity, part of the things that keep me stable and sane and confident. i do blame letting go of that control (control is a bad word. consciousness?) for me sinking further.

i don't have to self-hate, destruct, abuse, starve, binge, excess, under, verbally whip myself...i need to take care of myself and recognize that for me, growing wider is not part of my desires/self/ideal/goal/me-as-my-own-role-model.

voila!

#Precision Nutrition #lean eating

catching up with week 6

When it comes to health, nutrition, and exercise, what are you afraid of? What are you REALLY afraid of?: losing the ability to enjoy a variety of food: both junk and healthy; falling out of touch with the good streak i'm on right now and regaining more weight.

What is ONE thing you could do today to spit in fear’s face? eat slowly & with conscience, and do my workout. could slowly enjoy some junk food but i did that last night (pizza) and the world did not shatter.

hunger is not an emergency: What would be the best, most thoughtful choice possible under these particular circumstances? ...so on wednesday i had training for job#3 downtown and had to scurry over to job#2 about 4 miles away, kinda got lost on the way there, stumbled over to the grocery store and bought a clif bar, half conscious of that being the best refueling solution for the circumstances. i REAALLY need to figure out meals with the new commute, and probably that will involve making my own high-ish calorie portable energy bars. there's just not a lot of room for a bunch of meals in my bag, and i'm gonna be gone from 6am-7pm soo... yeah that's kind of an emergency if i am too hungry to ride from one job to the other. BUT, i don't want to overfeed: this week also included the lesson about embracing discomfort as a part of change. just like finding 80%full, though, finding the line between discomfort and pass-out-starving is still tricky.

marshmallows / delayed gratification lesson: also on wednesday, i got home and g immediately wanted to go out and run errands. i was so freaking hungry and out of it (but not hangry, in good spirits, channeling patience, possibly due to knowing that my earlier "emergency" was not world-ending). we stopped at trader joe's and well, you know how it is when you go to the store hungry...EVERYTHING looks fantastic. but i only got things i needed! more specifically, got foods that i knew i'd be able to carry easily during my commute. and those foods still sit and wait for hunger-mergency commute moments. talking to g about how i was feeling helped and he confirmed i was just hungry-almost-hangry. (what's the word for wanting to buy/eat entire grocery store due to empty stomach??!)

notes:

What do I want right now?

What do I ultimately want?

Am I willing to sacrifice my values and goals for what I want right now?

Could I wait a little while?

ignore the impulse

get away from it

find other activities to replace it

this came up in my feed this week too, so i'm gonna throw it here because it's right on time:

http://weeta.tumblr.com/post/61763060526/identity-based-habits-how-to-actually-stick-to

week 5 recap

parents were here for a visit. all was well with food. i really tried to not do fat speak or too much food speak and be just normal with food. i hope it rubbed off!

i am feeling awesome. and this time around, life is more in sync with how fearless i want to be, with the job and where i live and bike commuting and finally having removed my emotions from this enough that the weight is coming off easy.

it's been 42 days of green checks and no purging, and bingeing is once again a foreign concept.

day 031

"List two noticeable signs that you are not hungry."

feel like could comfortably ride bike a few miles

brain is ready to go

"List two noticeable signs that you are hungry."

brain is shorting, mood is teetering on brink of rage

activity brings on a little weakness

this week has been odd; on tuesday i did not eat much at all (no workout, just bike commute and a whole day of cleaning) and felt fine. wednesday i feel like i maybe overate, but it wasn't that much food (workout, still lots of cleaning & bike commute). it's still a challenge to time meals and get the right amount of food in all day rather than letting myself get veryVERY hungry by dinner.

wednesday was a little digestive discomfort but i tied that to either too low carbs or too much flaxseed (or eating questionable grilled tuna).

things are going well! with workouts and feeling more confident with the movements, feeling better about this sack of fat body that is slowly losing fat. been avoiding beer a lot more, which is difficult with a partner who drinks beer every single day and many of our outings revolve around beer...but i have homebrew kombucha and i've recently learned the "it's totally okay" feeling of drinking ice water at the bar while he drinks beer. the beer sets off the gluten rage / bloat / intestinal revolt in me, as much as i appreciate the fine craft beers produced in this city.

my parents are visiting this weekend and i want to practice the 'share your food' thing (later in LE, i recall, right?) with my mom, and just general overall positive speaking when she gets hopeless and fatalistic. (think i know where i picked up on that kinda thinking in the first place). i want her to be her best, and i want her to enjoy her time here and not be preoccupied with stressors.

The signals you notice when you’re no longer hungry and 80% full might include: - a fuller (but not stuffed) sensation in your gut - no desire to eat - contentment - minimal cravings - good energy - alertness

precision nutrition

week 4 recap

not gonna do a day by day, no time!

Who Are You? If your identity and goals match, good health often follows. Change seems easier — at times, almost effortless — when you're true to yourself. Reframe yourself as someone who already has what it takes to be healthy, lean, and fit.

The 5 Whys Engage your inner toddler and ask yourself their favourite question: Why?You may just find your reasons for being here are a little deeper than you thought.

Outcomes vs. Behaviours – What Really Works You can’t control outcomes but you can control what behaviours you practice to get you there. So set the right kind of goal — a "daily doing" goal, rather than a "someday" goal.

Are We There Yet? Once you know where you're going, know the signs that tell you you're getting closer... and when you've arrived.

Measurement Day What gets measured gets managed. Tracking your progress helps you see where you're at, and where you need to go. Don't be discouraged if you haven't seen the numbers change yet — that's normal. Tomorrow's new habit will really get the ball rolling.

wouldn't you know tumblr just ate everything i wrote.

still losing about an inch a week! but not going to count on that as a regular thing, i know that much from last year. i'm pretty pleased with my body right now and know it's going to get better, but i can't expect it to continue at such a satisfactory rate. it didn't last year, but i still made it to a very good spot by about month 5, when i kinda gave up after life exploded.

i don't feel 100% sure about mindful eating but i'm going to continue working on it with 80%. i feel like i am riding my bike way too much, that i might burn out; but as it is my only mode of transport at the moment, i'm a little stuck. i suppose i could slow down ;)

024 outcomes/behaviors

OUTCOME:

lean body with sustainable habits to keep it that way

THIS MONTH:

make sure i am adapting to life/schedule changes by structuring habits appropriately, preparing for days ahead.

THIS WEEK:

eliminate worrying/wondering and plan for what i can (commute time, packed meal ideas)

TODAY:

do my workout and eat slowly

more condensed days

on day 024 now but i don't have enough time to go back and recount each day in its own thing. here's recent things:

who are you lesson

oh jeez.

i am easily angered and frustrated and anxious, do not like to be pushed to do things i don't want to do without warning or time for thought, i like to be creating or learning or doing and not bored.

how do i turn all that into positive?! i don't have the answers from last year in my saved versions of the lessons, which is...good and bad? i oughta check in here if i wrote it, but let's just start at square RIght Now.

in that above rambling sentence I have pretty much established that I know WHY i get anxious, angry, frustrated. and looking from the outside as not-me, i can say: don't be so stubborn and stuck in your roots. i have to open myself to stuff i don't want to do because that's where all the magic happens. i know this! but it's still a work in progress. it's gotten a little tense sometimes with the bf-fiance-thing where we're both struggling to communicate each other's present state of understanding or discontent or content. maybe we just thought that as soon as we both were up here all our problems would be solved. solutions are ongoing for everything, nothing is permanent, all my 'problems' are fleeting and not a end-all be-all of any state of anything, right?

but here's who i want to be: open to random new adventures, approachable, confident (i know that's vague, but, not thinking about any little shortcomings more than i am thinking about the present moment, maybe?), strong, someone others look to for guidance

five whys:

Why are you doing Lean Eating?

I am doing Lean Eating because I've been unable to get my body in the state I want it using my own techniques alone.

Why do I want my body in that state?

Because I think it will make me feel healthier and leaner.

Why do I want to feel healthier and leaner?

I want to feel healthier and leaner because I feel like I am preoccupied with feeling flabby all of the time, and like I am not in control and my body's rebelling and that preoccupation keeps me from feeling confident.

Why do I want to feel confident and in control and not flabby?

Because I know I am confident and I know I can change myself, and I know changing this one dumb little body thing will saturate all other areas of my life with confidence and fearlessness.

Why do I want confidence and fearlessness?

Because I hate feeling like I'm just getting old and need to give up!! I want to be able to do things without irrational fear, without obsession about arm flab and calories and "right" foods, I want to be strong and happy for a great many more decades and be an inspiring person outside of the norms of tired, lazy, sheeple, "feeling old," afraid to do anything.

(still no consciousness raisin, i'm working on it)

last year i set my expectations a little too high. today's lesson hits that right in the face.

three behaviors that will lead to my outcome goal:

consistency with activity

patience and savoring of small meals

checking in on myself and my goals daily

day 019, 020

019 is consciousness raisin...

putting that off for a day when i have some silence (and some raisins, duh!) but i'm kinda excited for it. it was a really nice awakening last time; i do remember being terrified of something so sweet the last time because it'd been a while since i'd binged, and i was convinced dried fruit would make me binge again, but eating it slowly was so freaking powerful that the fruit, it did nothing to binge command central.

but my day 019: we rode bikes about 10 miles and then some more miles and then 10 miles home. i did not get stabby or ragey or head explodey one time!!! i was hot and sticky and angry but i did my best to notice it and let it go. 'we have to go up that hill?! that means we get to come back down, that will feel nice and it will be worth all the suck it takes to get up it!'

it's like i'm an adult, or something.

i still have been eating a lil too much a lil too fast, but measurements are slowly going down, yo! which all ties in with today's lesson, slow down and do just a little bit better every day.

#mindful eating #lean eating #consciousness raisin

i made this last year, based on the lesson from day 018.

been talking (arguing!) a lot with G about "my anxiety"

time to kick it out!

having a hell of a time being a social person, upholding tact, keeping in touch, getting my ego out of the picture. but i am conscious of it and noticing what i need to change, and taking steps to fix it, and none of it is really as big a deal as i dread that it is (at least, i hope it's not.)

- anxiety and - reactionary-ism and i'll get there

#lean eating #Precision Nutrition

day 17

thursday- still haven't nailed slow mindful eating, not quite. it's an excellent challenging week for it, for sure. i have a ton of things at the one job, trying to find more income on the side, and the house is a mess and if i was approaching all of this wrong, things would have been very different right now. but they're stable.

so while i'm still a little more munchy than i'd like to be - i recognize it as i'm doing it, i KNOW i'm doing it, but i feel in control of it? and it's not out of hand. i'm trying to really understand the munch. there's eating at a high level nutritional age and being a superstar, which i'm not, and which induces guilt in me (and maybe anyone) when done for an extended amount of time; there's eating mindful meals and also enjoying food just to ENJOY FOOD and maybe company of others, chill, you know, chill out time. food can be a part of that and it doesn't have to be a guilt complex. but it's finding that middle ground and not letting the guilt take me into the low level nutritional age where everything i put in my mouth is WRONG SO WRONG, I AM A BAD PERSON FOR EATING.

i think i'm pretty close to the middle. a vague memory of a lesson that won't come up for a buncha months - treat self with lots of compassion and love at all instances. would i talk to the kid i babysit like i talk to myself? nope. so be nice, self.

a good example of that was... i had just finished my workout. i knew i was running late. i knew we had a meeting at work as soon as i got in. i was rushing and stressing and trying to convince myself itd be okay. went and got the bike out. realized i had 20 minutes to get there, get changed, be functional before meeting started. bike was just not going to cut it - i would be stressed, upset, and negative during the meeting, and it was humid as fuck.

so i drove. i sat my ass down in the car and opened up the windows and sat in traffic, and got there on time. i paid a lot of attention to my brain telling me i shouldn't be driving, i should be riding; i don't have the money for gas and the car is due for $800 or so of service and omg i can't do this this is wrong! but at that one point in time, at that break in a LONG streak of riding my ass off to work, it was right and the compassionate thing to do for myself. i don't always need to martyr myself. so there.

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