what was the tenor of your joy then?

"provocative" — my psychiatrist

[pigeonhold]

conniveo’s personal blog. i softblock extensively unless i already know you. ilysm ❤︎⁠

[pigeonhold]

it’s just that if you don’t want to be anxious about being arrested maybe you should stop doing cocaine. but drugs is so fun….

[pigeonhold]

the soundtracking for hxh 2011 is excellent however i have literally no critiques. adore what they did by mixing mozart and prokofiev for the zoldyck family’s theme

[pigeonhold]

hxh heaven’s arena arc is like the enemy is disabled because they are weak and evil because they are disabled

[pigeonhold]

you can prove that you are strong and noble by destroying the enemy’s mobility aids, which again they possess because they are weak/evil

[pigeonhold]

our protagonists are talented and good, so they never suffer lasting physical complications or disability from their injuries. like it’s really laughably bad that this is the arc where we are supposed to cheer and clap for gon’s remarkable healing ability & even hisoka is able to fully recover. given hxh’s stance irt medical inequality in leorio’s backstory there’s clearly a level of sympathy afforded to the unwell/ill as long as they are not visibly disabled <- or at the very least it’s internally inconsistent

[pigeonhold]

hxh heaven’s arena arc is like the enemy is disabled because they are weak and evil because they are disabled

[pigeonhold]

you can prove that you are strong and noble by destroying the enemy’s mobility aids, which again they possess because they are weak/evil

[pigeonhold]

does leorio ever get his own personal villain or is this another way in which he is excluded

[pigeonhold]

hxh heaven’s arena arc is like the enemy is disabled because they are weak and evil because they are disabled

[pigeonhold]

murder, filicide, suicide

i’ll never know how much danger i was actually in from my parents but for months at least i was convinced they were going to kill me. i will also never be sure what my mother’s intentions were on my 17th birthday, except that she made a verbal threat to my life and an unsuccessful (abandoned?) attempt to end it. or maybe it was meant to be just a threat but the danger she put us in was real. she enabled my suicide attempt despite her not being aware of what consequences her actions would bring. i am at home again and i am safe but still feel like i shouldn’t be; i really need to make a plan to move out permanently soon

[geryone]

Judas Goat, Gabrielle Bates

[pigeonhold]

i’m very bad at relationships or so it seems

[pigeonhold]

trauma responses (?)

frustrated at my lack of willpower to work towards a safer/happier life and the impulse to endanger myself further. i was on the phone with diana earlier and told her about the friend who would react violently to verbal jabs and disagreements by choking me. it’s funny because i heavily suspect he is attracted to me: he once confessed to choking his ex-girlfriend to unconsciousness during sex and that breathplay is one of his kinks. because i often react irrationally to [violence] i didn’t tell him to stop the first time he did this, instead inflicting violence back onto him in an attempt to level the playing field. if you hurt me and i hurt you back then it’s just roughhousing!! though i am terrified in the moment always and tense whenever he initiates physical contact while drunk -> maybe the problem really is that i am frequently inebriated around other people, but that is an aspect of my social life i don’t want to give up despite the toll its risks take on me. the same applies for his friendship as well.

this is most definitely related to my lifelong paranoia; my therapy-analogy (when i was convinced that my parents were going to murder me last year) was that i saw my life as a video game, and in order to progress to the next level i had to confront the final boss, which was [bad things]. it’s juvenile but sometimes i can only speak in mimetics. this manifests in somewhat accelerationist behavior where i put myself in harm’s way or not-so-secretly bait others to hurt me. i don’t even know what it is about abuse and violence that i miss, but i do know that i miss it.

[guiltfactory]

sometimes the most romantic ending is murder-suicide

[pigeonhold]

absolutely fascinated by how the zoldycks have been the only family in hxh so far, the ways in which it can be mapped out to a familiar family structure despite their fantastical background. milluki’s desperate vies for attention from his grandfather, silva’s harsh dismissal of kikyo’s concerns, and her implied emotional affair with the butler. very chewy to work with!!

[pigeonhold]

fomo because everybody loves the classics and i don’t particularly care for them

[pigeonhold]

recoiling every time i talk about an established topic on main because the image of that “this has been discussed extensively you’re just 21” tweet keeps popping in my head. but it’s actually fine this is my blog and i am allowed to be repetitive if i want to + tumblr is not an originality contest

[bobdylanyaoi]

[pigeonhold]

i find cuck jokes are unfunny but also distasteful considering its modern origins in mainstream porn about the white supremacist anxiety of black men “stealing” the innocence white women. or how the infidelity/independent sexual life of women is supposedly degrading to her partner, like you are really just insulting everyone except the person you intend to. i don’t care what kinks people engage with in their own time but i suspect the vast majority of people making these jokes have no personal stake in the argument and are only doing it for laughs