[pikafloret]

I have a character I created for fanfics that encompasses all the qualities I wish I had, whether real or not. As my quality of life continues to dwindle, I can’t help but wish more and more that I was not myself and rather the character I invented.

[pikafloret]

Sometimes you have to scream. When it becomes too much. Or you just need to let it out, let it go. Or you just need people to hear you, to know what it is you truly feel. I’ll keep screaming, even if it’s to the void. I’ll scream as loud as I need and for as long as it takes to be truly heard. I’ll scream...until my illness takes my lungs away.

[pikafloret]

Just because I look healthy and appear to be “doing well” does NOT mean I am no longer suffering pain and am no longer chronically ill. This can’t be emphasized enough!

[pikafloret]

#2

If you ever feel like what you do is never good enough, I truly believe it’s not irrational. And what’s worse is that you can apply to this anything: depression, politics, racism, jobs, health, etc. If you’re on the fence about something, both sides will chastise you for not being on a side. And of course judgment is cast upon you without hesitation by the side you didn’t pick. But sometimes these sides give you no choice but to be on the fence, especially when you agree with aspects of each side. God forbid you try to maintain your balance, there will always be a number of people who are quick to shoot you down. It’s literally a lose-lose situation! And I honestly feel it is a big part of the reason so many suffer from anxiety and depression. From my own experiences, I can understand why it still feels like you’re alone and isolated despite knowing others are also suffering. You’re trapped in this sense of not living up to the expectations of others and not having the same beliefs as those close to you. It feels like no matter what you do or say, there will be people who will judge you harshly and without thought, regardless of whether they know you personally or not. And it weighs you down, even if you try to convince yourself you shouldn’t let it. The action of it impacts you faster than your conscience can. So when people say stick to your beliefs, it’s harder than it seems.

[pikafloret]

I think it’s REALLY stupid that insurance companies get to deem what is “medically necessary” or not. Like insurance companies have any fucking idea what patients truly go through...

[pikafloret]

There are two constant struggles of living with pain: 1) Learning to not constantly apologize for having pain. 2) Learning to accept that fact that your life is now literally a pain.

[pikafloret]

Being a person whose energy and strength reserves are equivalent to a cell phone battery that dies quickly is frustrating. But if you use that little bit of energy towards happy things, it makes that short-lived time all the more precious and meaningful.

[pikafloret]

#1

Daily 9/10 and 10/10 chronic back pain as part of a rare illness. That’s been the norm the past year and five months (and counting...). It is exhausting, most times quite literally. And those without it don’t legitimately understand what it does to you. Not just physically or internally, but emotionally and mentally as well. But despite all that, sometimes you just need a place to let it out, even if it’s just to the void. A place without a doctor giving you their medically versed practice or more medications that may or may not ease the load. A place that offers a sense of freedom from the heaviness, even if it’s just brief. I hope I have found that place here as I continue to count the days until I have less to no pain.

[pikafloret]