LIFE

Dream grandly. Act humanly. Live gratefully.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Competing with their desperation made me so broke. Now, i am done. Enough with child's play. Have to start anew. I could be broke but not with dignity.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Sometimes, it is not all about the standing ovation.

There is also power when someone is holding at the edge of their seat.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

No matter how much we get a time to be in the mood to complain about it, most of the time, it is pure innocence.

No one can really catch up all the time to each and every one that we cross paths in this lifetime. It is really not that bad (even though the thought really makes you feel bad) if an old acquaintance suddenly connects with you because they need something, and that's all about it. Sometimes, that is all the catching up you can have with that person.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

No one sees your bleeding.

No one sees you are wounded.

No one sees your battle scars.

Because no one is looking at you.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Is this time i am spending now with you for the memories or for the future?

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

How can i teach my children to be true to themselves when you are always making me feel guilty everytime i try to talk to you about my thoughts and feelings?

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

it's not easy to be with you

you say things related to them

it hurts more when you think that it's just nothing and you even expect me to smile or laugh after

the pain did not decrease over months of betrayal

i just start to live with and get used to it

i have learned to shut my mouth when it hurts

i start to keep my questions in my head

but this is not the real me...

making it more not easy to be with you.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

It's quite funny to think how questions become the answer one is looking for.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

huh... did not realized i like to ride motorcycle with my husband 😏... maybe someday... when we finally meet 😮‍💨

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Would i want that?

Would i want someone who cannot say no to me but felt forced?

Or would i want someone who keeps saying i love you but does not feel the need to stay with me or even choose me when the going gets tough?

Better to stay alone.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Now, a part of me wants to stay in the past. The past where it is so different in the present. The past that i appreciate now.

But what is the use of clinging to it now? It will never change anything now. It will just make me more miserable and make me hate the present more.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

At the end of the day, it boils down to whether that someone cares about you or not.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Yesterday night has been the most truthful and, the most hurtful (for me) conversation we ever had as a couple.

I am very sad yet very grateful.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Now, the Truth Gate has been widely opened. And everything i have been feeling sad for the past year has been confirmed... unfortunately.

And, it is looking like there will be no us anymore in the coming years. So, better make the most of this year, at least make up for the mistakes done.

So, this is how and where it all ends. It is not really about the music or the environment or even the children. It is just me all along that he is having a hard time to accept and tell me upfront.

It will be quite hard to change "me". And, marriage without compromise is impossible to continue after all anyway.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Should i still hope for some plot twists that will lead to our happy-ever-after together?

Or, this is already the end of our story?

#MDJ

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

Maybe there is a way...

Let us just see each other as long time friends, well.. better if best friends... but not expecting much.

Then i can just think that someone else is my jerk husband.. so i can just talk about him with you without any hard feelings towards you.

Maybe in this mindset, i can look at your wives eye-to-eye and treat them normal. no hard feelings at all.

[pil0s0p0tasyo]

I am not the one who broke my marriage vow.

I am not the one who keeps secrets and keeps cheating.

I am not the one who spent the money i do not own.

I am not the one who deceived and married others in secret.

I am not the one being a hypocrite.

I am not the one lying continuously.

I am not the one giving in to this world's temptations.

I am not the one who say words that I do not mean.

I am not the who keeps making promises and keeps breaking them.

I am not the one hurting my children.

I am not the one who cannot fight for the person i truly loved.

I am not the bad person.

And yet, why am i the one doubting myself, hurting much, crying every day, and broken-hearted while trying to do the right thing in this situation?