I have been wanting to do this years ago. No, maraming beses ko na itong ginawa, actually. I’ve written tons of these but for some reason, I always end up deleting them. As much as possible, I really don’t like putting myself out there because introvert talaga ako. So, I don’t really know how to start this and how this will affect you. Maybe you would stop talking to me for good after you’ve read this. Whatever the outcome of this post maybe, I want to sincerely say sorry to you in advance. My intention for writing this was not to hurt you or to make you feel bad. I just really need to get things off my chest that I’ve kept for so long. Right now, this is the only way for me to feel better.
I am not really the type who dwells on people who left. For me, everyone has the right to choose the people they want to be in their lives. The moment I realized that you’re gone, I got hurt but I told myself na okay lang. Choice mo yan eh. I also told myself na I’m done with it. I’m done with you. I’m over it and I’m over you. But, obviously, I’m not going to do this if it’s really over for me diba! I admit mataas talaga ang pride ko and to write something about you at this point is quite hard to swallow. But, I never gave a damn about my pride when it comes to you. Something that I have never done to anyone else. You’re the only person who walked in and out of my life without saying a word and all those times you came back, I accepted you hoping you will stay na for good. But there are things that are not really meant to be and that includes us. Anyways, the only thing I wanna do right now is to unload because I think what stops me from completely getting over you is that I didn’t get the closure that I wanted. Yung type of closure na maayos lahat, every aspect malinis, lahat ng issues napag-usapan, walang ill-feelings and all.
So, fast forward muna tayo to where and how we are now. I honestly did not expect this because even if we haven’t met, we had a really strong bond or so I thought. The past days, months, years made me realized a lot of things. Mostly negative that challenged the positive side of me. Honestly, it is one of the things that I loved about you. I think it’s what drew me closer to you. Hindi ka boring in any aspect. You challenge my entire being effortlessly. Very raw and natural yung pagiging challenging mo. And by not hearing anything from you for so long, I realized that you were not really into me pala. You are not the person who I thought you were. I don’t want to sound negative or bitter but I know I will. I am bitter because I expected so much from you. You have your flaws (just like everyone else) but I never focused on them. I never looked at them nor looked for them. For me, you were nothing but perfect. Kind-hearted, thoughtful, nice, respectful, someone who loves me and everything. Bonus point pa na gwapo ka. I could describe you using all the positive words in the dictionary without having second thoughts because for me, that’s who you are. For the first time, I found someone that I really find perfect. YOU ARE PERFECT. That’s why I felt really guilty for lying to you. I could’ve kept everything a secret from you and just walked away or keep pretending na lang but I did not. I came out clean on my own. But like I said, I find you perfect so I thought you would be able to forgive, understand and accept me. I thought you are someone who would always be there, someone who really cared about me and someone who will keep understanding me, someone I could rely on, someone who could love me unconditionally (things you've made me believed) but hindi pala. Instead of hugging all my flaws, you ran away from me the moment you saw my other side. I was expecting you to be someone who would fight to be with me no matter how hard I push you away because we are opposites. But you did not. What I saw was someone who badly wanted to leave. Someone who wanted to escape from me. That’s why I let you go. But God knows how much I wanted to be with you. Ayoko i-bring up si God but damn, I prayed about you everyday. Twice or thrice a day pa nga kung minsan. I asked and begged Him for you every single day. And I did that for 6 years, bimb. I kept bothering and asking God for your ass! I honestly wanted to fight with you, to stop you and tell you to, “please, stay with me” but I did not because I felt that you are not happy with me anymore. At the time, it seemed like going away from me was the only thing thing that you want.
And it was. I slowly realized it while you were gone. I began to realized na you are not someone who I thought you were. Everything became clear to me. You are not someone whom I thought would be able to love me unconditionally, someone who would accept me ng buo. I came to realization na conditional ang love mo. Or let’s just say your love is limited. I even started to doubt if you really loved me because I realized that I never got your trust. Yes, you never trusted me with anything. I don’t know your address or where you are exactly located in New York. I don’t know where you work, what your work is, your brother’s name or even your car’s plate number. Simple things, little details pero malaki ang impact sa akin. It hurts to realized that from the start, you already find me as someone who cannot be trusted. I know I also didn’t give you my exact address but at least you know where in Pasay I am located at. You know my family, you saw their pictures, you know their names, where my brother works and all. Hindi naman ako criminal. I don’t even stalk people pero parang I cannot be trusted because you only know me virtually? If that was your reason then sana you avoided me na lang from the start instead of treating me that way because I did not force you into my life. Pero okay lang if it makes you feel safer.
I told myself before that I am going to meet you one day no matter what but now, I honestly don’t know anymore. There were times that I wanna meet you. There were times that I don’t. You were right. I am scared to meet you because I am aware of what and what not to expect from you to the point that I see you as a stranger already. You are not the same person that I used to know. And to be honest, I am not upset with you kasi it was all my fault. Kahit na alam ko na relationship goes both ways, it didn’t matter to me anymore. I took all the blame because I am the one who destroyed it. You've changed because I did you wrong. I also don’t blame you and I am not mad at you for giving up on me. A person can only wait for so long. And I know I’ve pushed you to your limit. But I want to be honest with you. I really wanted to let you enter my world. Like see me, get to know me, my family, my life and everything about me but I couldn’t get the same vibe from you. Parang may something. Parang you don’t want to become a part of my life completely. Maybe you do but only to an extent. Everything you gave me was limited. Your emotion, connection, trust, love, time, attention, lahat limited. I felt like you only want to have a lovelife but not a commitment. I mean parang you only want the feeling of having someone but you don't want the other things that comes with it. Anyway, it’s all done. The only thing that I wanted from you was a nice closure. Something you didn’t give me. I kept telling myself that it’s okay, forget about it and move on. Pero hindi eh! I couldn’t figure out how to move on from something that was left hanging. I had so many unanswered questions that it came to a point na I was answering them myself just to make myself feel better. Sana you told me straightly na lang whatever it is that’s bothering you or whatever your problem is. I can take whatever it is that you want to say to me or about me. It would have been easier for me to handle if sinabi mo agad na you don’t want anything to do with me. Simple and short but clear.
PERO WALA NGA TAYONG CLOSURE… Ang kulit ko but yun talaga yon eh! I don’t know if you “strategically” did it so I won’t be able to move on because of what I did to you or that is really your character. I don’t want to think na attitude mo talaga yung basta na lang mang-iwan sa ere. Everything was left hanging. I was left hanging or maybe I wasn’t but that’s how I feel. Maybe I am the only one who finds it hard to accept because yun nga, I feel like I was left hanging. Kahit kasi simple “Sorry” wala akong nakuha from you. And even if it’s not okay, I have accepted the fact that you are a non-apologetic person or maybe because allergic ka sa word na "SORRY" kaya you always have a hard time saying it. But I've learned to accept it. I accepted everything about you, good or bad even if they upset me sometimes. I remember it was even you who convinced me that we’re still friends but what happened? You went MIA for a year tapos you went back. You remembered me kasi you’re visiting the Philippines. Ang galing! Actually, that is the only thing that you’re consistent with. Everytime you come to the Philippines, you’re consistent about wanting to see me and all but once you’re back in New York, you act as if you have an amnesia. It’s as if I don’t exist. Whenever I text you, you become cold and distant. It’s almost like telling me to get lost because you don’t need anything from me anymore. It is annoyingly stressful because I don’t really allow myself to get close to people who remembers me or talks to me only when they need something from me. But you were able to do that to me. And I allowed you to treat me that way for years! And to add more to it, you expect me or you want me to sleep in your hotel. Sometimes I ask myself if I come off slutty for you to think that I could sleep with someone and act like nothing happened the next day. I also remember the free meals (the coffee, halo-halo, breakfast and dinner) you were offering me to make me feel a little better. Para hindi ka na mag-effort from now on, I have decided to decline all your future free meal offers. Kasi we both know na there is nothing good that will come out of it. You’ll go back to New York and forget about me and we'll go back to being strangers. Please, do not misinterpret that one. I’m not asking you for a commitment or any other type of relationship. I just want to say na it won't do any help sa situation natin (like it won't make us any less stranger to each other). We couldn’t even settle our differences privately, what makes you think we would be okay publicly? Baka we'll end throwing plates and knives at each other pa. I feel uncomfortable, awkward, scared, confused, upset and unsure around you now. I don’t know how I should act around you because I know and I am aware that you don’t like me. And I can't also act and pretend like you do. I am the person that you walked away from and the person that you don’t want to be friends with or even talk to and I also don't like the "new" you so I don't know how being together will work. I am actually close to thinking that you are allergic to me because of the allergic reaction-ish signs you've been showing me. Hahaha!
But honestly, I envied all of your exes. Kasi feeling ko nabigyan mo silang lahat ng closure except me. That is if I even made it to that category because looking back, I couldn’t really say that I became your "partner". FAN is the best word that describes me when it comes to you. I was your blind fan. But in terms of romantic relationship, I felt na sa HOPIA category yata ako belong. Do you know what a HOPIA means? It can be a food (a mooncake) or it can be a Filipino slang for someone who have super high hopes bordering to illusion (gay lingo of hopelessly hoping). Hahaha! I also envied your officemates because you spent more time and effort dealing with your problems with them than ours. I was so jealous of them. You did not take me seriously when I told you that, did you? But I was. You were willing to fix everything except us. I know from the very start that I was not part of your priorities. I felt it and I prepared myself for it. You have sons and they are and should be your main priority. Naintindihan ko yun. But never did I expect to slid to the 4th or 5th spot of your priority list. Happy na ako sa idea na at least I'm in Top 3. I should be naman talaga if you really consider me special. But I was not. You put me in the last spot and you can deny it all you want but that's how you've made me feel. Everything and everyone comes first before me. Your sons, your work, your friends, your staff... Everyone is a priority but me. I bet even your food or your car or even a homeless cat will come first before me. I've always asked myself kung nasaan ako sa life mo? Kasi ako mismo, I couldn’t say that I am included there. Okay lang sana if it was just me overthinking but no. I heard it straight from you. 2 years ago you were talking about your future plans and I asked you, "What about me? Am I not part of your life?" You answered, "Why would you become part of my life?" I couldn't believe hearing it from you. Of course, you don't remember it anymore because you have amnesia nga when it comes to me diba. Hehe! But I will never forget how you made me feel that day. Tinalo mo pa si Osama Bin Laden sa pagka-heartless mo but did I even get upset with you? Hindi diba. Instead of getting mad, I tried to understand you and I even justified your actions kahit na super red flags na yung mga pinapakita mong signs. I bet you will make me go through hell if I did the same thing to you. I bet you will ignore me for months. Anyway, I'm used to it naman na because you only spend time with me naman when you are available. But you are always unavailable when it comes to me. Kahit 5 seconds lang of your entire day eh hindi mo nga maibigay sa akin. I mean, how long does it take ba to send a text to let someone know that you're still alive? Pero kahit yun hindi mo magawa kasi busy ka nga. Actually, you were always busy whenever I needed you. Kahit off mo, busy ka pa rin. You would rather spend time alone or with your friends. Sometimes I don't even hear from you for days. Maybe I just got really obsessed with you kaya I never felt that we ever had quality time together. It’s always not enough. But I never complained to you. What made it worse was that I couldn't talk to you about it because ayoko mag-start ng argument. And for sure it will end in an argument because you have a very short patience and understanding for me. #AllergicReactions
I am the type who deals with issues beforehand. But with you, I had to adjust. I had to learn to restrain myself. Neglect the issue until it becomes forgotten because I also don’t want to stress you or upset you. You become non-communicative kasi pag upset ka kaya nga I was scared of you. It’s one of your traits that I don’t like but I’ve learned to accept. Mabuti pa talaga yung treatment mo sa staff mo eh noh! Even if you are upset with them, you talk to them unlike sa akin. Pag upset ka, you ignore me for months. Grabe! I was so scared of losing you kaya kahit mahirap, I adjusted myself and my actions to your liking. I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH. There are still times that I cry over you. And it has been what? Almost 2 years na yata since we ended. I am not this kind of person but with you, bumaliktad yung mundo ko. I gave my whole heart to you. That’s why I wanted us to be friends kasi nga I didn’t want to lose you. It is hard to stay friends with someone you have intense feelings for but I pushed myself to do it because I wanted to keep you. I wanted you in my life so bad that I would settle for us to be friends man lang. But you didn't see or realize it. Feeling mo kasi I always have hidden agenda when it comes to you. It doesn't matter whether I have good intentions or what kasi for you, everything that's related to me or about me is automatically bad. That's why you also deprived me of your friendship. Out of all the things you did to me, this is what hurt me the most. It was like you putting the final nail in the coffin. It took some time before I was able to accept it. Maybe it's also a reason why I couldn't move on because I feel so judged by you. What makes it more painful is I wasn't able to do something about it. I was never given a chance to prove or show my true self. I've been judged and misunderstood since day one. You made me question myself if I am really that bad for you to reject me even as a friend. But then again, okay lang. Your life, your choices.
Despite of everything, I am still thankful to you kasi you also taught me to stop being dependent on you. But I am also confused and upset. Confused on why you would say something like I could still consider you as my "beau" if I like. Upset on why you couldn't make up your mind about me. You kept leading me on for years. Why do you keep doing this to me? From the way I see it, you have too much hatred and underlying anger towards me. I can't say it's love because you don't treat someone you love the way you've treated me. Are you trying to get back at me (like get your revenge)? I know I messed up with your feelings and for years you've also messed up with mine. You've already put me through some serious shit, isn't that enough? What do I have to do for you to stop playing with my emotions? If you got hurt, I also did. 10 times more of the pain you've felt because between the 2 of us, I was the one who invested so much in the relationship. I didn't just invest my time, effort and emotions. I changed and bent my beliefs for you. Even if I wanted more, I settled for what you were only capable of giving me (with regards to your time, attention, love, patience and understanding). Wala kang narinig sa akin. I gave so much of myself to you to the point that I completely lost myself. I gave you the best version of me and yet it's still not enough for you. You were always looking for more (mostly wrong pa nga). You were constantly looking for my mistakes or you keep picking up a fight with me just so you could have a reason to keep me out of your life. I don't want to be mean but being with you feels like walking on a broken glass. There is no room for error. One wrong move and you get hurt. Instead of talking to me so we could easily fix the problem, you isolate me from your life and ignore me for days, weeks and even months only because I said or I did something you didn't like.
Honestly, I miss the old you. A LOT. I miss the bond that we used to have when you were still the person that I thought you were. Ang sad lang because it’s something that I know we won’t be able to get back to. We’ve outgrown each other. We’re both new person to each other now. And whether you admit it or not, we both know we have this animosity going on between us. And it doesn't seem like it's still repairable. And because of that, I don’t think we’ll still meet one day because whatever connection we have is gone. There is too much awkwardness and bitterness between us. We are not in the same page anymore, no more common ground. We are like oil and water na kahit anong gawin mong mix, fail ang outcome. I don’t expect us to talk anymore. We'll just fight if we do because I am extremely upset with you. Remember those last few days we talked? You told me you keep trying to push my buttons to make me upset but I stayed cool. Well, now you got what you wanted. Congratulations! Hahaha! Your fucking mind games (making me assume about everything), sweet but fake love (fake because you never trusted me, remember), false hopes to lead me on (treating me special one day and ignoring me the next day), the harsh words ("Why would you become a part of my life?" - thanks for telling me), the neverending character test (picking up a fight to check my maturity but couldn't handle my attitude, seriously?) and the rude treatments you gave me (telling me you changed your mind about missing me a day after my birthday that you have also forgotten, wow)… They’re all too much. I don’t need them in my life. I want to be rude to you and treat you like how you’ve treated me but no na lang because unlike you, I’ve always wanted to end things nicely. It's the least thing I could give to someone who became a part of my life and I’m going to stick to that than let my anger turn me into someone like you. So, on that note, I am really sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I honestly don’t feel like I still have to apologize for them because as far as I’m concerned, bayad na ako by giving myself, my understanding and my loyalty to you. For years, I tried so hard to suck it all up and accept you changing into someone else because of what I did to you. But I realized I cannot keep blaming myself for it and I cannot go any further. I’m done. Maybe I just got so caught up in my painted version of you and the person you keep showing me is who you really are kaya I find it so hard to let go. But now I am letting go. I’m fine about you revealing your true self and us not being friends. I also don’t want or need anything from you. Not even a call or a text. Nothing. So don't even bother to try to contact me again. I have also deleted your number because it only triggers me to text you nasty things which I don't want to happen. Ayoko na makipag-argue sayo. I just wanted a closure. I sincerely wish you all the best. Sana okay ka and I hope one day you will find someone who could give you everything you want and everything you’re looking for. And I hope there won't be another "ME" in your life. I mean someone who will go thru all of it and still won't have you in the end. Please stop breaking people's hearts. Even so, I think and I still believe that you are a nice person (to others). Hehe. Thank you for all the lessons and for making me a better person. I mean it in a good way. GOODBYE, GREG.
