Torture myself, that's what I feel I'm worth.

[pirategash]

I recently gave my mum a list of questions, similar to what Lisa has done in her life, in this movie. Some deep, some trivial, some silly, but all with intent. All things that I would like to know about her, why her life is the way it is and why mine inevitably turned out the way it has. All questions that IF she was die tomorrow, I had answers to and could move on with my life accordingly. Difference being, Lisa got her answers. I’m still waiting…

I resonate with this film deeply. A truly sad but comforting story of knowing you’re not alone and that someone else has experienced something similar to you.

“Disconnection is the only motherhood I’ve ever known”

[pirategash]

I cried in the gym today. Why you ask? A combination of listening to Dermot Kennedy and feeling proud that I’ve gone two days in a row 😂 Imagine 😂 The girl that at one point used to gym 5x a week CRIED because she has been twice in a row! Oh my days. The inconsistency this past year has been insane and I am beyond disappointed in myself for lacking discipline. Something I was once proud of possessing. I can literally pin point the last time I felt consistently good about myself and that was about 3/4 years ago. Before I went to Australia. I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror cos I see a double chin, I see round cheeks. I’ve barely bought any clothes this past year because I don’t believe I deserve them. I don’t deserve to have nice things when I can’t even look after myself properly. Here’s hoping this time next year I’ll be happy to have my photo taken again and I’ll have a wardrobe full of things I like and feel good (not just comfortable) in.

[pirategash]

I have my first counselling session on Monday. I’ve booked two days annual leave. I will wipe my tears with the kitten I am getting tomorrow.

[carpe-noctvm-deactivated2025021]

Northern lights showed up again!

Instagram

[pirategash]

I need a timeout from life.

[pirategash]

At this point, I just hate myself. How can I be annoyed at my mum when it’s me that keeps giving her the power to do it over and over again?

Why can’t I cut ties?

[pirategash]

Everytime my mum fucks up it hurts my heart so badly.. It emphasises how much love I have to give and how I would never let my child go a day feeling unloved. And then that in itself makes me sad because what if I don’t ever get that opportunity.. What if I don’t get to give the love I never got?

[pirategash]

I guess I don’t get to be at peace until she passes...

[mmmsay]

[sorrrowfull]

[storyexcerpts]

#229

I want to be happier, I just dont know how. Every time I try, I end up trying to hard and feeling even worse than before.

[pirategash]

Just a lot of low thoughts at the moment for no particular reason. I think 4 months of being back home has deleted my social battery.

Tryna kick it before the depressive episode takes over.

I rejoined the gym so time to focus on myself for a little bit til I can clear my head and recharge.

[pirategash]

Is it not mad that someone can go from being your everything to an absolute stranger again? I saw my ex in town yesterday, that’s the first time Ive seen him (he didn’t see me) in person in a year 🥺 I broke up with him almost two years ago but seeing him yesterday just made me feel so weird. I don’t even know how to describe it other than weird..

[yuyuuyuyuu-deactivated20230726]

[pirategash]

Wow, I’ve been back a month already.

I’ve caught up with most people I needed to catch up with, spent all my money (which wasn’t a lot cause Australia was constant holiday mode spending) and now I’m waiting impatiently to start my new job.

I want nothing more than to fast forward to a few months of grafting and feeling settled and comfortable again.

[pirategash]

At the airport.

Fuck, this feels so surreal. I’m not sad though.

I’ll miss some people I’ve met along the way but nowhere near as much as I’ve missed the people back home.

[love]

By Richard Mercille