Hey all my friends and mutuals. It’s been awhile. I think over a year honestly. I don’t really remember the last time I logged in here, but I did tonight on a whim, and saw all my missed messages and asks and notifications, and felt I owed some of you guys an explanation. I understand if nobody cares or if everyone’s moved on so if that’s the case just disregard this post.
I want to start by saying that I never intended to ghost or go on this long hiatus from tumblr. Throughout my first year of college, my activity had already dwindled, and then it kind of slowed to a stop. I’m in my second year now, and honestly even busier than I was last year. I didn’t prioritize my online presence, and so I just…didn’t log in. While that was happening, my interests also began to shift away from things like prsk or enstars or anime (none of which I’ve really touched for even longer than I’ve been away) and towards things that didn’t really have a presence on tumblr, so when I was on social media, I ended up gravitating towards other spaces instead.
One day I noticed that it had been a really long time since I had logged in, and guilt suddenly hit me that I had accidentally been ghosting and avoiding everyone here. By then I was scared. I felt I had been gone too long and if I showed my face again everyone would be upset, or something. I don’t really know why I felt like that, but essentially the guilt consumed and thus paralyzed me or whatever. So then I was knowingly avoiding the platform.
I talked to my irl friends about it a couple times, and I came to a realization that, in my time off the platform, I had actually grown, I guess? I realized that I hated the person I was on here. I vented all the time, I overshared, I complained, I was miserable and chronically online and festering in that misery, and engaging in stupid discourse. I hate that I’m that guy! I don’t want to be that guy! Remembering I was that guy, and that I exist in so many of your memories as that guy, is awful! Even more than that, some of the worst parts of my life and some of the worst things I’ve ever said and done are documented in graphic detail by my own hand on this very account. Some of you were here throughout all of that and witnessed all of it. I’m ashamed of it. By stepping away I was actually able to put those things behind me and grow from them, and now they’re but a bad memory that I cringe and feel immense guilt about when I remember my behavior. This gave me even more reason to stay away.
But despite all of this, I’ve missed tumblr both as a platform and as in the people. I’ve missed Marlo, and Nyx and Rose and everyone else that I considered more than just a “mutual” but a genuine friend. Friends that I am scared that I hurt by my silence. I’ve wanted to apologize and explain myself for a long time but I couldn’t. But now I think it’s due time, and I owe it to you guys. I’m sorry for disappearing without saying anything, and I hope I didn’t worry you. I know I posted concerning things here quite frequently. I’ve certainly been having a time and a half, but nothing extremely terrible happened, nothing that any of you should worry or feel concerned about. Even if I wouldn’t say where I’m at in life is “great”, I’d like to say I’m doing pretty well. I have a job, I’m in school, I’m living in the city, I have friends that I spend a lot of time with, and I’m on my way to entering the professional artistic field that I’ve wanted to for so long. So don’t worry about me. I’m sorry if you did. I know just those words don’t make anything better, but I do mean them full heartedly.
I don’t want to say that this is a comeback. In truth I’m considering deactivating this account and all associated sideblogs permanently and finally putting the nightmare that was my 16 year old self to rest. I am however considering restarting and creating a new blog, a fresh one for a new era, free from all that baggage. I’ll leave this account up until I decide if I want to do this or not, and if I do I’ll leave a link here if anyone still wants to or cares. I want pissfizz gone and dead, so eventually this account will probably disappear entirely, but this time I want to make sure you all know where I am going first. I don’t want to just vanish again on you guys.
This is a lot out of nowhere, and it’s really rambly. If I did hurt anyone with my silence or disappearance you’re of course under no obligation to forgive me. I’m so sorry and even after all this time, I love you all. Thank you for everything guys. This feels kind of dramatic, but I wanted to make sure my thoughts and feelings were encapsulated and were understood.
Aside from a potential new blog, I do already have other accounts on other platforms that I use frequently. You can find me on instagram under the handle qzm_illust, on twitter under majiyoroshikuu, and on discord under chesnutbunny, if anyone wants to catch up or anything.
Thank you for reading this far, and I hope my feelings reached you. I truly have missed you all deeply and regretted my actions.
🫶
