“I'll never smile again, until I smile at you.”
I look out from my bedroom window, seeing couples pass by while their kids are playing in the snow. I wonder if Meeks is on his way? He never posted a letter since the day I received his letter about coming home for Christmas. The fire from my fireplace is slowly dying as I sighed; I walked towards the fireplace, igniting the papers and twigs.
I turned on the radio as I sit back and relax on my study table. "And now, ‘I'll Never Smile Again’ by Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra featuring Frank Sinatra is coming up next!" I exhaled and closed my eyes. I hear knocking and a faint talking from outside my door. It sounds like Charlie, with a little bit of Neil and Todd, also with a mix of Knox and Cameron.
Wait, all of them are here?! I open the door to see my friends, frowning. "Hey guys, I miss you all!" I smiled at them and gestured them to come in. "So, which drink do you guys prefer? Tea, coffee? Or beer?" I joked and they look much sadder and devastated. "O-Oh, sorry. Um I—" "Pittsie," Charlie stood up from the sofa and walked towards me.
"Meeks is..." Charlie started crying while I'm perplexed, "Meeks is what, Charlie?" I started to breathe heavily. Charlie couldn't speak nor move. A knock escaped from the door as he wiped his tears away, "Hello Gerry, sweetheart, here's your letter. It took so long for them to send it, it's been snowing so much these days." I received the letter and thanked the landlady.
December 15, 1965. He wrote this last week. I gently open the letter; the smell of dried soil fumed my senses, his handwriting is messy, there are smears of dirt around the letter. My lips quivered as I started reading the letter.
This is difficult for me to write; I might not come home to U.S. for Christmas. Why do people regret everything when it's too late? I keep asking that question and realized that I am one of them. Even a genius kid can be stupid. I thank you for everything, the moments we cherished, the joy we shared, and even the radio we made back in the days.”
I widened my eyes, not sure what to react. I continue to read.
“I am also sorry for telling you this just now. I sincerely am. I regret for not telling you how much I love you, not as a friend, not as a bestfriend... more than that. I mean it. I never got the chance to say I love you in front of you or feel your warm embrace before I die. I'll miss your cheeky smile, I'll miss our small talks, I'll miss you so much. You mean so much to me, Pittsie. I love you forever.”
I whimpered as I feel a lump in my throat, it felt like I got punched in the gut. No, this must be a dream, a nightmare to be exact! There's no way this happened!
“A boy with a bright smile
Cleared the clouds in my mind
He brings a grin in my face
A person to talk, to cry, to laugh with
His laughs I never forget
Eyes sparkle like the galaxies
Gerard Pitts, no matter where the universe pull us apart, I will always love you from the bottom of my heart.
I finished reading the letter. My tears streaming down my face. I-I can't believe it. My friend, my kin, my love, Steven Meeks... is gone. "I'll never smile again, until I smile at you." Frank Sinatra's voice echoed through my mind, my agonizing screams and cries surround the apartment. I fall on my knees, still screaming from the pain I felt in this moment. This moment that I'll never forget, the first and last heartbreak that I'll never forget.
I can feel Knox, Charlie and Neil hugging me, trying to calm myself down. "I'll never laugh again. What good would it do." I took deep breaths as I look at our photo together at the top of the fireplace. "No matter where you are, I will still love you, Steven Meeks." I murmured as my hands went ice cold. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. It felt like I've been crushed by a boulder.
When he first left me, it felt like I've lost the half of me. And now this feeling is true, I really lost the half... of me.
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