Moms always seem to be the best of the worst. They’re your best friend and worst enemy at the same time. Growing up my mom did everything under the sun that she could for me. She spent all of her money on new clothes for us, but wore the same stained, holed up clothes for years. My mom never was dealt the best cards in life, nor were me and my siblings. But she tried her hardest.
2017 started out pretty normal, a year like any other. The beginning of the year everyone was getting taxes back, buying new “toys,” going on trips, all of the fun stuff. In April, my mom took me to a hotel about 45 minutes north of where we lived, she allowed me to drag my cousin along. We stayed in a hotel a few days, went swimming, went to the aquarium, went out to eat, and had lots of laughs. At the beginning of June, we went to St. George for a vacation. My sister, her family, my grandma, mom and I all stayed in a hotel. It was great. We went to an arcade and played the games, and of course mini golf. We went to Sand Hallow reservoir and rented a boat, we spent the entire day on and in the water.
But just a few short weeks later, things turned. June 13th had started out like any other day, I woke up and checked my phone. I scrolled through, and found a few posts from my mom. She was never the best at texting, so it didn’t surprise me that the posts didn’t make much sense. But one of them made me pretty upset. I’ll bare your time, and won’t tell you the whole story, but the post was basically telling my father if he didn’t bring me a truck he had given to me she was going to call the cops and all sorts of other stuff. She had every right to be upset, it was just pretty embarrassing to have our dirty laundry on facebook. I texted my best friend, Tyleen, and asked her to come over. I got off my phone until she got there, we watched funny videos. Everything was fine.
At some point we decided to make brownies, as soon as we walked in the kitchen my sister, Destiny, and her two kids, Davin and Tailynn, came through the door. We said hi, and they all said hi to my grandma Pat. Destiny kept telling Davin and Tailynn to go wake grandma Amy up, but they wouldn’t. She eventually went downstairs and took them with her, to wake my mom up. I was mixing the brownie batter up when my sister yelled for me, telling me she didn’t think my mom was breathing. I rolled my eyes, figuring she was being dramatic.
Me and Tyleen walked downstairs and Destiny and the kids went upstairs. When I walked into my moms room, I froze. I knew by the color of her skin that she was gone. I felt like I was in some sort of trance, it was like I could hear what was going on around me, but I couldn’t move or speak. I just felt almost fake. When I realized that my sister was asking me if she needed to call the cops, and Tyleen was telling me to tell her yes, I yelled yes. I went up the stairs, by this time grandma Pat was asking what was going on. Destiny, in a panic, blurted out “My moms dead.”
Grandma Pat headed for the stairs, me and Tyleen tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t. So Tyleen helped her down the stairs. I sat on the couch, and stared at the wall. I had lost multiple family members before. But this one just didn’t feel real. Tyleen walked in and hugged me, asking me if I was okay, truth is, I don’t know how I felt. I didn’t know if I was okay, or if I ever would be again.
My sister was on the phone, pacing around the house, crying, yelling at dispatch for asking too many questions when our mom was dead. I don’t blame her, what more did they need to know? She had just found her mom dead. After getting off of the phone with dispatch, she called her husband, Tyler, but eventually he hung up on her and called me. “Destiny is crying too hard, I don’t know what she’s saying. What is going on?” I don’t remember exactly what I said. All I know is the drive from where he was working to my house was supposed to be an hour, not 20 minutes.
The rest of the day seems to be a blur. I remember my moms boss and one of her coworkers stopping by, they saw the ambulance and thought it was something to do with my grandma. When we told them about my mom, her coworker hugged me while I just cried. I remember sitting on the porch all day, I was uncomfortable being in the house my mom died in. I sat on the porch with my dog, Gizmo, in my lap. I hugged her and cried in her fur for what felt like hours. I remember my phone blowing up, what felt like thousands of people came and went that day. By bed time, I laid in my bed on my stomach, and Tyleen laid on top of me, and we both just cried. I was stuck wondering how I was going to go on for the rest of my life, and how. Tyleen was there to let me know she’d be here for whatever came next. And for everything after that.
The next day I woke up, Tyleen still in bed with me. Tyler brought us both a coffee, I got out of bed and went to the living room, grandma and Destinys family were all there. We sat down on the floor, and Destiny called my therapist to schedule appointment for as soon as possible. I’m not so sure what i do and don’t remember after that. I feel like for a while, life became a blur. I had a hard time believing in reality, I feel. I didn’t cry lots. I went to therapy, I tried to learn to cope. To be honest, i’m still not confident that I know how.
