𝑩𝑼𝑳𝑳𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑻.

eddie kaspbrak.

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

hi i miss writing eddie a lot so i added him to my multimuse over at @peaceprose !

[placebofied-blog]

‘ you remind me of mint. fresh, sharp, kind of cold, but in a nice way. i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite. ’     @notbeeped​

warmth floods him immediately and, for a long moment, eddie doesn’t know how to react. can only blink at the other, surprised. confused, mostly. but he doesn’t dwell on the fact because he likes it. he likes it a lot. more than perhaps he ought to. a thud, thud, thud in his chest that he doesn’t want to add a label to. doesn’t want to address with himself, because that means he needs to delve a little deeper and understand why exactly he’s feeling this way. eddie doesn’t think about it. refuses to dwell on it. refuses to. not now. not yet.     “oh,”     comes the delayed response. a smile curling up his mouth as he’s nudging their shoulders together. doesn’t know what else to do. doesn’t know how to stop the redness that has threatened to ting her feature.     “oh--  that’s nice. i think,”     eddie has never really been a fan of mint. always found it too sharp. he thinks, maybe, that’ll have to change.

[spctlessminds]

based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’ ‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’ ‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’ ‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’ ‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’ ‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’ ‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’ ‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’ ‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’ ‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’ ‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’ ‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’ ‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’ ‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’ ‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’ ‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’ ‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’ ‘  i am fucking divine.  ’ ‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’ ‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’ ‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’ ‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’ ‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’ ‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’ ‘  i bow to no man.  ’ ‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’ ‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’ ‘  i cannot be saved.  ’ ‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’ ‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’ ‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’ ‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’ ‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’ ‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’ ‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’ ‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’ ‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’ ‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’ ‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’ ‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’ ‘  i have no home anymore.  ’ ‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’ ‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’ ‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’ ‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’ ‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’ ‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’ ‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’ ‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’ ‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’ ‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’ ‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’ ‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’ ‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’ ‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’ ‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’ ‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’ ‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’ ‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’ ‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’ ‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’ ‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’ ‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’ ‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’ ‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’ ‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’ ‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’ ‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’ ‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’ ‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’ ‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’ ‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’ ‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’ ‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’ ‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’ ‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’ ‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’ ‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’ ‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’ ‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’ ‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’ ‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’ ‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’ ‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’ ‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’ ‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’ ‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’ ‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’ ‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’ ‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’ ‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’ ‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

[placebofied-blog]

richtozicr‌:

he mutters something about jeremiah – his roommate – going home for the winter and how he literally will be out of the country and fuck kaspbrak why does it matter.  it’s not like they’re going to be short on time, they can talk about things later. richie was used to not talking about their relationship. he wasn’t sure if he knew how to talk about it anyhow. that’s why they worked so well, they were clearly an item. clearly. it wasn’t hard to see if you were looking that patiently at them. but it was also so clearly hidden. it was all in the closed doors and what was said between them. their relationship is personal, something the world doesn’t need to know about anyhow. it’d been like that for awhile. 

eddie is the cutest when he does anything, but when eddie blushes? when he gets so flustered his ears start turning red and richie can basically hear his heart pounding out of his chest. they haven’t had alone time like this in a very long time. richie pushes eddie up against the wall and then hoists him up and holds him against the door as he continues to kiss him back just as hard, until he pulls away and starts to nip and suck on bits of eddie’s neck. he’s planning on making marks. he doesn’t care right now. they’ll fade by the time school comes around again. it’ll just be a reason for eddie to not go home. “mine, mine, mine,” richie whispers against his boyfriend’s neck. he doesn’t get possessive a lot, but when he does, it’s to this sort of extent. 

he’s so fucking ridiculous sometimes, eddie thinks, as richie all but curses him out for even asking. has eddie pushing fingers into richie’s hair and tugging that bit sharper than usual because; “alright, don’t be a dick ‘cause i asked,” he’s mumbling, but he’s clearly not mad. not really. because nerves have taken over and it occurs to him that they’re alone. really alone. that eddie can stay here for however long jeremiah is gone, at least over this break, and that means he doesn’t have to stay in his room and deal with kyle and— and he hadn’t even thought to ask his roommate if he was staying for break. eddie didn’t know the answer for himself let alone anyone else. other than richie.

the thought is gone because richie’s shoving him against the wall and picking him up, hands under his thighs, and eddie can’t stop the noise that escapes him before he’s wrapping legs around richie’s waist. pulling him closer. his face is redder. embarrassed like he still expects someone to walk in at any moment. like he still expects that they’ll be caught; as if they haven’t been before, as if they weren’t obvious even if eddie didn’t go around screaming it at the top of his lungs. richie would like that too much. it’s a thought lost as he hears the words, muffled beneath the gasp that escapes him at the sudden feel of teeth against his neck. “rich—” he’s whining, twisting like he doesn’t know whether he wants to press into it or further away. “fuck— richie,” he’s going to have marks. he’s going to be covered, isn’t he? eddie presses fingers into the other’s hair again, gives him what he wants. “’m yours – only yours, rich.” always has been. always will be.

[placebofied-blog]

richtozicr‌:

@placebofied​ / nadine said horny richie rights.

     they’d been in this weird secret relationship for awhile. not that they need to keep it secret. richie’s fully aware that half their friendship circle knows about them. they aren’t subtle by any means in the slightest. but it’s not like they have to be subtle. it’s winter break and neither of them are going back to home. back to their family. not yet, at least. but richie’s roommate had decided to leave for the break, so when his room was fully clear, all richie could do was drag eddie all the way to his dorm and slammed the door behind them, pushing his boyfriend up against the door with a very needy and not at all well behaved kiss.     “ we have the next three weeks to do literally anything,” he explains, with a smirk on his lips.  it doesn’t help that he’s worried that eddie might be convinced to go back to his mom and leave richie, but until he does, richie’s going to spend all his time he can with his boyfriend. it’s not like they get a whole lot of alone time. “ i can think about all the things i want to do, and they all start with the letter E. “ 

richie moved his hand up to push eddie’s shirt up and over his head, just taking his hands and tracing over his chest with a grin.   “ plus, it’s cold, wouldn’t you say you wanted to heat things up, eds? “ 

it wasn’t something they’d really spoken about, if they were going to tell people -- eddie hadn’t known how to say the words. admit the fact that,  maybe,  maybe,  he’s gay. that it twists in his stomach and makes him think of everything that his mom would say. he couldn’t tell her. could barely tell himself----  richie doesn’t talk about it, though. doesn’t make him feel bad. the others know anyway, don’t they? they aren’t exactly subtle when eddie is red in the face and trying to hide a mark sucked into his neck, or when he’s playing with richie’s hands rather than focusing on something stan is saying.  he doesn’t have time to think about that though, as richie’s pulling him along towards his dorm room and eddie practically trips over his own feet to keep up.     “what?”     comes the confused response, but his fingers are already in richie’s hair. arching against him with a huff of something between annoyance and quiet pleasure.     “you have the room t’yourself?”     his mom’s already called. he didn’t answer, knows what it’ll be about. eddie doesn’t want to go home. doesn’t even consider it to be home. 

“oh my god, you’re the worst,”     he doesn’t mean it. absolutely doesn’t mean it as he’s lifting his arms, letting his shirt fall to the floor. resists the urge to squirm with the way the other’s looking at him. makes him feel self-conscious. knows that sometimes richie prefers the way he turns red.     “i was warmer with my shirt on, fucker,”     before he gets the chance to respond, eddie’s fisting fingers into richie’s shirt. pulling him in. kissing him harder than richie had started things.

[placebofied-blog]

richtozicr‌:

his stomach lurches forward as eddie blatantly tells richie that he wants him. they’re so deep for each other and he wants to just keep kissing eddie but he’s also horrified of this truth. he wants to throw up, only slightly. it’s not that he’s nervous. it’s just that he actually told eddie what he feels. he needs more alcohol in his system. though, on the opposing side, richie knows that if he does have more drinks, he’s most likely just going to throw up. he wants to take care of his best friend. he pushes his forehead against eddie’s and looks into his eyes, running his hands through his hair. god, he wishes this didn’t happen. 

richie knows eddie is right. they could get killed. it’s derry. they have worse things to deal with than killer clowns a few years back. he hates this more than ever. richie just wants to cry and keep kissing him so when eddie starts kissing him, he’s glad that the bathroom is locked. he’s relieved that it’s just them because maybe it will be okay. at least they know the truth now. 

it could get us killed. shit, he already had gotten the shit kicked out of him before earlier that year. he’s tired of hiding it though. okay, it wasn’t like he wanted to jump for joy and tell everyone, but god damn if richie and eddie were into each other– he wanted to have that, at least for a little bit longer. 

   “ you know what? i’m — “ he finally just sighs and presses their noses together and just continues to live in this moment of just being close to eddie.      “ i love you, eddie. i just really need you to know that, i don’t care if you’re not totally sober but– i think you should know i’m head over heels for you. “

the last thing in his mind is the door. didn’t realise richie had locked it, hadn’t cared because richie was kissing him back and… and that was what he wanted. maybe he does have a death wish. he thinks he’d die for him, though. if richie asked. if he ever had to. he thought it before, when they were in the sewer, and eddie was so convinced that his life was going to end that day like georgie’s had. like betty’s had. like stan’s almost did. he was so convinced, and he would have. because it would have meant that richie hadn’t died, and that was all he cared about. he wants him. he wants to be consumed, entirely, through and through, his. marked and branded. no doubt in anyone’s mind. perhaps, he has a death wish. he suspects that richie would tell him as much.

his hands find themselves lost in richie’s hair, and he’s pressed against him. crowding richie against the sink in a way that he can’t see as being comfortable at all. is all but literally climbing up him in an attempt to reach his mouth. he wants to drag richie down to his level, but he doesn’t. not yet. not while richie is still resisting. not while they’re still in a place that is dangerous. eddie doesn’t know where would be safe: not his. not with his mother awake. not even with the tension in his shoulders as he waited to hear her snores echoing throughout the house. he’s terrified. he can’t deny that.

their noses touch and eddie doesn’t know when he closed his eyes, but he keeps them closed. breathes in the same air that richie does. laughs, because he can’t stop himself. laughs because his head is spinning and richie loves him. “i love you,” he whispers, confesses. richie is more than a god. always has been. “i love you, richie— have for so fucking long.”

[placebofied-blog]

richtozicr‌:

he doesn’t mean to start crying but he does. and he feels terrible about it. richie just looks away from eddie because he genuinely cannot look his best friend in the face right now. he wants to throw up. eddie’s being dramatic. he can’t even listen to eddie because he feels sick to his stomach. his curly hair is being gripped by his own two hands as he pulls away from eddie and stares at himself in the mirror.  he doesn’t want to think about this. this is all a mistake. eddie doesn’t feel for you the way you feel for him, you’re a fucking idiot tozier. 

he doesn’t want to listen to eddie, but he’s crying and he can’t think straight and eddie seems desperate for richie to listen to him. eddie’s just been drinking. why would he feel the same ? richie finally looks at his best friend and wipes his face. “ no, YOU don’t get it, eddie. you don’t fucking get it, “ he snaps, feeling his body shake ever so slightly at how much emotion he feels. he’s not even angry. he’s upset, but not angry.

“ i’ve been in love with you ever since you fucking told me ‘ beep beep ‘ the first fucking time. you are such a shithead and i can’t ever stop thinking about you, “ he snaps, clearly needing a fucking drink but he’s just freaking out at this rate. “ and i don’t even know if you’re with it right now but shit, eddie, i don’t even want to go to college because i feel like i’m never going to see you again. i don’t know how to deal with that. i already am losing stan, and he’s my best friend ! now i’m losing someone i can’t even think about without getting red in the face. you’re so fucking cute and i fucking hate that, “ he snaps. his hands just gripping onto the counter behind him. 

he lets go of the counter finally and tries to calm down. “ i just think you’re too loosened up right now. that you’ve had too much so you don’t have to think about the shit out there in the world. where as i do. i think about that all the fucking time. all i want to do is be with you and i feel like you look at everyone else in the world except for me —- “ it’s a lie, he thinks sometimes eddie looks at him just as much as richie looks at him, but he’s upset and he’s worried that now that eddie’s trying to show him that he likes him, he’s going to pull back and say ‘forget it’ or tomorrow wake up and say it was all a joke.

richie’s number one fear is that it’s not going to be a joke and that he’s going to have to lose eddie in a matter of a few months when they finally ship themselves off to college and he doesn’t know which heartbreak is worse for him.

it isn’t often that richie’s angry – eddie thinks he can count on both hands all the times he’s seen him genuinely angry throughout the time that they’ve known each other. not including any interactions with that fucking clown in those fucking sewers that eddie definitely shouldn’t be thinking about now, when richie’s lips have touched his, and he knows how richie’s body feels pressed against his. even only for a moment. even only for a second. it’s a knowledge that will keep him awake in the middle of the night.

he’s like a storm; angry and furious. capturing attention and refusing not to be listened to and eddie can only curl in on himself. an arm curling around himself; a protection. not that he thinks it’ll be turned towards him – no, richie would never. eddie, even like this, knows that. he just wants to be held. he just wants it to be quiet again, but richie is raising his voice and telling him that he doesn’t get it and eddie, for a long moment, doesn’t. does not understand in the slightest. wishes that he did.

i’ve been in love with you ever since you fucking told me ‘beep beep’ the first fucking time.

oh. oh.

“richie—” he’s talking, still. about college and separation and all those things that make eddie want to bury his head in the sand and refuse to think about. that he’s allowed himself to ignore because— because he doesn’t want it to be true. his mom had wanted him to go to derry college. to stay here. eddie couldn’t live his life that way, refused to. he hadn’t considered the consequence. “richie­— please look at me,” he’s begging now. because he can’t stand there and listen to richie berate himself. refuses to. even in a bathroom that isn’t barely large enough for the both of them now that the other is pacing around, creating his own space. eddie’s back still against the door.

“richie, i’ve wanted you— i’ve wanted you to kiss me for so fucking long that it hurts. because i always saw—because i always thought you’d never— why would you want me?” he’s taking a step forward, careful. hands raising. he wants to bury them in his hair. eddie touches his face instead. eyes not as glazed as they were before. he’s never meant anything more than he does, now. “you… you call me eds and i fucking hate it, but i only let you call me it. i only… i only dream about you, and… i only sit in bed at night and think about you because i’m too fucking scared to tell you because… because it could get us killed, couldn’t it?”

he kisses him. forces himself into richie’s space and kisses him, harder than before.