hi, I’m a hopeless female bisexual and I’m wondering, how do I let other girls know I’m into them and that I see them as more than a friend?? I’ve tried flirting but either I’m really bad at it, too subtle for them to realize, or they think I’m just saying it in a friendly way? halpppp
Oh goodness me. If you had ever met me in real life you would NEVER think to ask me for help with this, I’m like. Legit useless. Let me tell you a story to highlight how bad, I, personally, as a human, am at this. And then I will impart some wisdom that I have gained from others but have never effectively utilized myself
Back before my wife and I did the whole queerly beloved thing and got ourselves, hitched, we met on the internet. AO3, technically, then moved to tumbler, and eventually ended up chatting through facebook messenger. There were definitely times I thought she MIGHT have been flirting with me, but I was a bi girl at the time married to an “I’m not homophobic I just don’t see why everyone needs to make a big deal about coming out of the closet, we get it, you’re gay” cis dude, so my radar for these things was not exactly well tuned. add to that the presumption that because I was married and she was a cool lesbian, she could never actually be interested in me in that way anyhow, I probably ignored some giant signs, painted in glitter.
There was this one notable moment when, and forgive me for I cannot recall the exact premise of this conversation, as a reply to something clever I said, @kreweofimp informed me that she’d more than happily prostrate herself at my feet in a princess leia gold bikini.
And I, being the useless bisexual that I was.
Wasn’t entirely sure if there was anything even approaching flirtation in that.
To this day I’m pretty sure the only reason we’re ACTUALLY married is because @plaidaleckiandsnackles told me that she was, in fact, flirting with me and that maybe I should flirt back or something.
ANYWAY, now on to the part of this answer that is useful i any conceivable way.
The thing that I have experienced with regards to being a girl is that we tend to be socialized in a lot of ways that boys aren’t (and yes gender is anything but a binary, but we do tend to be socialized as either girl people or boy people even though that’s a dumb thing that shouldn’t happen). We tend to be more physically affectionate with our friends and family members from a young age. We tend to be more complementary about our female friends appearances or non-physical traits. what is basic comfy friendliness for people who are socialized as girls in the way that I was, is also kinda the kind of stuff that falls into the broad category of flirting. Affectionate touches maybe, complements, a certain kind of eye contact or active listening, expressing an interest in the interests of the person you’re speaking to. If you read any of those teen girl magazines (and good lord please don’t they are not helpful), those are the things they’ll tell you to do if you wanna flirt with a boy. Well that’s kinda the way most girls I was friends with acted around me when I was a closeted teenager, and THEY certainly weren’t flirting with me. So when I became a less closeted adult, I was already hardwired not to read any of those things as flirting. What I’m saying is that you MIGHT be flirting just fine but maybe these girls have similar baggage about reading flirting as flirting.
There isn’t actually any tried and true way to effectively flirt, or to read for sure if you’re being flirted with, or to tell if your flirtations would be welcome, with the exception of actual conversation wherein you and the person you would like to be flirty with discuss these specific things and disclose your opinions. Super romantic, I know. But eventually that’s a conversation that’s going to have to happen.
Think about the way they respond to your flirtations. How comfortable do they appear interacting with you? What is their body language like? Does it change from how you see them interact with other people of various genders? Try to get a read on how welcome your interactions are. If they;re going over like a lead balloon, then it’s possibly irrelevant whether they’re received as flirting or just friendliness, and this may not be the girl for you. But if it’s well received, it could possibly be a stepping stone towards stating your interest with actual words and seeing what kind of words you get back.
This isn’t a perfect ‘system’. It really isn’t a system at all. Basically what I suggest is getting to the point where you’re comfortable actually approaching the object of your affections to see if they’re amenable to what you’re amenable to. Nobody’s going to have a big flashing neon sign on their shirt that says “flirt with me!” Sometimes girls just gotta talk to girls.
(anyone who is less useless at this stuff than me PLEASE jump in and help anon, literally everyone in my real life and everyone in my wife’s real life knew we were in love with each other before it EVER occurred to either of us that the pining was mutual, we’re married and I still don’t really know how to flirt with her)
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