I decided to chronicle my life via photos and videos. Now also with my words.
For myself and those who battle mental illnesses daily.
The stigma is real, but we are too. We are humans. Although about 95% of the time I feel like an alien. Connection to a human is damn near impossible sometimes.
I've been extremely depressed for the past couple of months. I was stuck in bed 24/7 crying in the dark. Alone. Me and me and all my other versions of me just tearing me apart.
I decided I would start to post more raw truthful posts because someone might read them and think yes! I don't feel so alone now.
I've recently went into I'm so happy everyone is great everything is amazing mode. I had a few "good days" but last night the "bad days" came back for me. It crushes me harder every single time.
When people do question what the hell is going on with me I often find myself lost for words so they can understand. Understand without trying to find the problem, fix it and BAM 1...2...3... cured!
Now I explain my bipolar disorder as a light switch that someone/thing controls. Sometimes they just make the lights flicker. Other days the light switch is left on and those are my "good days" but they come with the heavy burden of knowing whenever wherever that light switch will turn off. Then I'm alone again in the dark. In the dark in the middle of the ocean 24/7 just hoping you can wade long enough for a "good day"
Sometimes you tell yourself if you drown you the fighting daily is over. Peace. However I know I will fight until I can't possibly fight anymore.
Being at war with yourself inside is so frustrating on so many levels, but I'll make a post about that.
I am ill, bipolar, bpd, PTSD, sometimes I CANT even go outside because death ... I'll explain that in another post too. I have social anxiety, general anxieties, eating/weight disorders, and I pull out my hair all over and half the time I don't realize I'm doing it. I hear /see what I call my "shadow ppl" whenever they show up.
Yes I do have a therapist and doctors as I live between therapy and the mental ward. Which mental wards oh I'll get to that.
I just wanted to vent and if u are anything like me the solution is to talk and get feelings out positively. As hard as daily life can get for us we all live life. I hope someone reads this and understands. Even if you read it to understand someone u love better! Xoxo Mandie
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