pl@stic-journ@l

this will be my journal for now. 

[plastic-journal-blog]

Oh, by the way, I get to take a college class for the summer. That’s really fucking exciting for me. Finally going to do something more for myself. 

[plastic-journal-blog]

If you are going to love someone, make sure you actually know what love means to you. Everyone has their own interpretations of love. Find out what yours is, and see if there is anyone who can do it for you better than you can. Only you can love yourself the most. If you can’t love you, no one really can, can they?

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Chase.

The term “Fuck boy” is derogative, so naturally, people frown upon it. Its like calling a girl a whore. So, I can understand. So, lets just say that Chase is someone who is not mentally capable of actually handling and holding true feelings of the heart to one person. I think that sounds better. Anyway, it was my own fault truly, because while the flirtations happened, he was still linked to his ex, which I was unaware of at the time. He had his on and off relationship for however long. It was a day or two after their final break up that feelings were forced out. It was one of the most anxiety riddled things that I had experienced at the time. I mean, who wouldn’t be nervous to tell someone that you had felt something for them for quite some time? I made the mistake of thinking that I was anything more than just a physical being to help pass the time and mess with for sport to entertain his lonesome. Don’t get me wrong, things seem to be going really well with his new companion, and for that I am happy for him. He still has that cold streak to him. There is only so much that can change for someone who doesn’t really think they have a problem. 

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okay

SO! From living where I do, I have learned many more things about people than I thought I would. I had once pursued romantic feelings for Chase. When I first moved to this state, I liked him. Over the years, my liking was forced into a friendship given the fact that he was dating other people, and I began to do the same. When opportunity rang at the door, I opened it full force. Of course, not initially because I was so scared that I was finally going to be able to expose my lingering feelings. But when I did, I was given the old run around. The only reason I slept with him is because I thought we were going to be together. Doesn’t that sound stupid? YES? no? Well. If I had known that it was all bs and wasn’t actually going anywhere, then I wouldn’t have him taking up a finger on how many people I have slept with. To this day, I am bothered that I did. And, it eventually ended up biting me in the ass later on. He never really felt anything for me. And honestly, I do not think that any of these BOYS ever really felt much of anything besides from their dick. 

[plastic-journal-blog]

Someone

There is someone else who is largely overdue on a post, but I don’t know if I should write about him right now... I feel the urge to do it. I really do. But I would be throwing this off balance, and I really don’t wanna confuse whoever ends up reading this, if anyone even does.

[plastic-journal-blog]

popsicle emotions..

I have so many conflicting feelings about everything around my life. About school, love, my future... I know that my priorities need to be straightened out, but this emotional tension seems to have me locked in place. It’s like I can’t move forward, but I also can’t take a step back. I am just frozen. Like a damn ice box. 

No....

I feel like a popsicle. I am frozen, believing that I am unable to do much or whatever my purpose is. Then, someone takes me out. Makes me feel as though they have chose me. But then they sit there, and are thinking if they really want this flavor right now. And, while they are debating about it, I am starting to melt. I am become more comfortable and connected, hell even confident. Then, they throw my ass back into the freezer.

[plastic-journal-blog]

Right Now.

Right now, I feel completely pathetic.

Right now, I feel like a joke. 

Right now, I feel like I am just some groupie who has signed onto a show with the rest of the sheep, yet I somehow feel so loyal.

This is how I feel. Right now. And I hate it.

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Blunt.

There are so many things I wanna say to these people in this house. But I know that if I actually spoke my mind, I wouldn’t be allowed back. This place holds a variety of people. Mason, the youngest, is gay with an attitude problem. Chase, is a pot smoker, aspiring rap artist, with an anger problem. Carla, the WOMAN of the house, is a sweet lady, but very submissive, with a drinking problem. John, the MAN of the house, is an old veteran, with a tempered opinion and a drinking problem. And then there is Cindy, the mother of Chase and Mason; daughter of Carla, who is bipolar. I could have been more descriptive, but you will soon come to see how and what I see them to be, if you decide to keep reading this shit. 

[plastic-journal-blog]

Intro of Confusion

I am kinda feeling conflicted as to how I am going to interpret the names of the people in my life.. I haven’t really asked everyone for their permission, so I think I will either come up with names, or just use their initial. They may never even know of this anyway.