TL;DR: YIKES

hey im rhys. this is a vent blog. read the links.

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am i a bad dad? am i a bad dad? i almost, almost missed my kids birthday. am i a bad dad? 

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noah fence but im looking back at selfies to reblog and i just flashbacked to when axton and clyde’s jack said i looked like a rat and i cant not think about it

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i was looking at old messages and i remembered rose. and i cant put into words how much guilt i feel. goddamn. the last conversation we had it was just small talk. after the kids were born. the last time i was online. 

the conversation before that he was a wreck. i forget what it was about, it was so long ago and when i first saw it today i immediately closed the chat because i couldnt handle it

i just remember all the promises i made to help him. of course i fell short. now hes not here. and i guess that just happens sometimes. but. he was one of the few rhyses that never got to get away from their jack and that kind of feels bad. wrong. 

[plssface]

i killed jack for good. had axton drive me to the nearest volcano. ironically, the volcano where his actual self died. i asked him about it and we had a quick laugh about it. it was really... i dont know. unceremonious. i was going to tell axton to leave and just wait for us in the truck so i could just be alone with jack awhile longer but that probably woulda been a bad idea. i wouldnt blame ax if he didnt trust me. hell, i didn’t trust myself alone with him, he coulda easily talked me out of it. which was why, in the end, i had ax wait a few feet away...

i stood there holding him for awhile longer though. and we talked. it wasnt anything like i imagined it. nothing like “i regret what i did, i hate you, i love you, dont do this, please get it over with, i’m sorry” (especially not “im sorry”. we were past that.)

we just had small talk. “this heat reminds me of a summer break back during my college days” and stuff like that. it was. i dont know. i guess i felt like it should have been emotional but it wasnt. and its probably good that it wasnt, right? i dont know. 

i shut him off and let him fall. watched him just sink into the magma. and i didnt cry. not right away, anyway. i think i was in shock for a few days. it was about a few days after when i started crying real bad all day. i only stopped when i heard scooter start crying. i think ax and clyde were both busy at the time so i had to go take care of them

and i guess i got better after that. im still sort of upset. but it’s fine. i’m fine. it’s just one of those things that you think back on and are upset about? even though i know its bigger than that. everything about jack is huge to me. it’s hard to pinpoint my feelings about him but at least i can take solace knowing its over. 

[plssface]

blows off the smoke on this

[lucidsuggestion]

why do i miss something that hurt me so bad?

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@saintadonis

thats gay. youre gay. and sweet. i love you

[plssface]

@fuuhrer 

or you and axton can hold hands and focus your STRONK energy and send it to me when i lay jack to rest. and itll be really cool... ill be looking like some douche pulling a sword out of a rock or whatever. hair flowing in the breeze. two people i love standing behind me...

[plssface]

i dont know if ive been “getting better”

ive been learning on how to handle myself better. my delusions and my paranoia. its still present. i still have violent impulses. everything is still here. so i dont know if i am getting better. 

but im turning out to be an ok person. im not going to hurt my kids. im not going to hurt my boyfriends. im not going to hurt my friends. 

and im not going to turn into what jack was. 

i think ill be ok

[plssface]

@fuuhrer

im going to ask axton if he can drive me somewhere that can like. actually destroy him. like a volcano or something. so he might be there. but uh. 

i wouldnt mind it if you were there, too. youre my best friend and i love you and things have been hard as all fuckin hell and i think itd be easier if you were there to hold my hand... in a metaphorical sense. holding hands is gay

[plssface]

im going to be honest. im really scared. i dont want him to leave or die. 

but hes a self destructive AI who really is only going to keep hurting people. pandora? helios? his daughter? me, the last person he has. 

hes finally got it and hes ok with it so i should be too. but that doesnt meant itll hurt less. 

[plssface]

he was upset at first. he said he could help me run atlas or help with the kids or help with anything. but hed destroy everything he touched and i think he understands that now

[plssface]

its been a long long time and he and i have been talking a lot. 

i think this is something were both going to come to terms with. like something that i have to do that hes accepted. 

[plssface]

it might not work for me though. 

[plssface]

mmmm.

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in the end im always the one apologizing

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i feel bad i don't want to ignore him but there's literally no way i can help is therr