"The anchors through the morning tremors is not the smoke"
Pluey as a morning anxiety attack, his partners help. My first fanfic, it's a bit of hurt/comfort with lots of fluff (those are the words right?)
Trigger warning list and other things:
-tw anxiety, paranoia, nausea/vomiting (only briefly mentioned that it happened, no graphic description or anything like that)
-tw cigarette addiction, smoking/lapsing. i don't smoke so the description I give are taken from what Google says smoking feels like so it may not be accurate.
- English is not my first language
- i'm dysorthographic so basically I have no idea how to properly use punctuation, I tried my best :'), i am also dyslexic so please be patient if there any writing error I did not notice
-i'm aroace
-Pluey's symptoms are heavly based on my own experience with morning anxiety
-Battat is autistic, also based on my experience (tbh everyone here is)
- it took me so long to come up with the title I don't know if it sounds dumb or not
Here's the fanfic:
Pluey woke up suddenly.
Jongler was out for their early morning shift so it was probably 5-6:00 am. weird for Tenna to call for Mike this early.
*What if something bad happened?*
*What if something really bad happened?*
He shook his head, trying to remove those thoughts. He told himself that he couldn't just start panicking first thing in the morning, right? That would be silly.
…
That was exactly what was happening.
He felt restless, his jaw and upper back hurt from how tense his muscles were, his stomach was doing backflips as waves of (thankfully mellow) nausea kicked into his throat going hand in hand with waves of fear.
fear of what? Nothing in particular or maybe it was everything, he was just scared.
Pluey looked over to his side, noting the green hand resting on his arm. Battat was sleeping like a log, head buried in a pillow, arms spread open covering all the surface they could.
Pluey stared at him, breathing much faster than he should have. He calmed down only after watching Battat's chest rise and fall a few times. Why was he afraid he wouldn't be breathing? Why was he afraid he was dead? Why would Battat be dead? What was wrong with him? Why was he panicking for no reason?
*Ok, ok, ok, bad self-talk isn’t going to help right now, just calm down Pluey you'll be fine*
He got up into a sitting position, carefully letting Battat's hand slip from his arm without waking him up. He didn't. thank the Angel for that one, he was not in a state to properly explain what was happening to him.
Pluey shifted to the hedge of the bed, his back hurt a lot more than he expected but his stomach did seem to enjoy that position better. Now he was starting to feel pressure building in his chest. he took carefully measured breath trying to reason with himself. No, this wasn't a heart attack, it wasn't the first time this happened to him. a morning anxiety attack.
He wasn't expecting one. Normally they occurred the morning after a difficult day, and he could avoid them by taking meds before going to bed. but yesterday wasn't stressful at all! so he didn't take any! So why was it happening!?
Whatever, it didn't matter now. All that matters was calming down.
He kept doing breathing exercises, inhale for 4 seconds ,hold for 7, exhale for 8, repeat.
It seemed to be working, until a sudden very strong weave of nausea hit, he ran towards the bathroom, apparently the anxiety had taken a toll on his body since the night before and his stomach had refused to digest anything, that explained why his HP was so low.
(I imagine darkeners' bodies digest food and turn it into HP/ Magic sort of like how it is implied it works for monsters in Undertale. There are some foods that are meant to be “Instant HP regainers” , basically the healing items we get in game. but others are more similar to food in real life and get digested in a longer period of time, like the tea we drink in that scene at the beginning of chapter 4. “it's my theory boss, he's human shaped, it would be cool if he had human anatomy” anyway back to the fanfic sorry for the interruption)
After cleaning up he went to brush his teeth, he wouldn't have gone back to bed and he definitely wouldn't have eaten anything so-
His thoughts were stopped as he shot a glance at the pile of dirty clothes sitting in the laundry basket. On top of it was a jacket he had worn a few days ago, a cigarette pack dangling for one of the pockets.
Why was it even in there he didn't know. He had promised Battat and Jongler to stop smoking. they all knew quitting cold turkey wasn't a good idea, so he still kept a pack around, but he had been completely clean for almost 2 months now. Why was he still bringing it with him?
After he rinsed his mouth,he took the cigarette pack out of the jacket, wouldn't want it to accidentally end up in the washing machine and break it right?
He looked at it, anxiety still making him tense but it seems like vomiting calmed him down a bit. for some reason.
Smoking had been his way to deal with stress for such a long time, the thought almost became second nature to him, but he stopped himself. no. he wasn't going to. as much as it would have helped in the moment, it would only lead to more problems later.
Suddenly another wave of fear washed over him. His instincts screamed at him to run, run somewhere. hide, hide right now. something terrible is gonna happen to you. and him too.
Pluey ran into the bedroom to check on Battat. Obviously, he was still there. Still sleeping, obviously, why wouldn't he be?
Pluey still let out a sigh of relief, a very audible sigh. The silence in the room was suffocating, he could hear his own heart racing, every little micro-movement caused a noise, and considering he was scared of doing practically anything right now, it definitely wasn't helping.
He couldn't go on like this.
He walked onto the balcony, feeling the relief of the fresh cold air on his skin immediately.
Given the early hour it was mostly quiet, but not that unnatural, absolutely dreadful silence that sent shivers down his spine. He could actually hear some birds singing which was nice.
He started the breathing exercises again while leaning on the railing as he took in the pleasantly crisp air. That wasn't the greatest idea. The Mike room was on the highest floor of TV world, he was afraid of heights.
The moment he looked down he immediately jumped back. fiddling with the door trying to open it, but in his previous panic he had forgotten to not close it all the way so it was looked.
he knocked on the door but Battat was sleeping, he wouldn't have heard. Who knew when Jongler would have been back? He was stuck there.
He tried to reason with himself again. He wasn't going to fall, there's no reason to panic, but he couldn't help it.
He just stayed there basically glued to the glass door, staring at the chair safely tucked under the small table, forcing his eyes to not immediately dart towards the railing and its implied, terrifying, height.
maybe he would have felt better if he sat down?
Pluey's hand shakily took out the chair revealing a stray lighter resting on the seat.
That made him suddenly aware of the cigarette pack he was still gripping with his other hand.
He hated feeling like this. He hated being scared. feeling like an insane person and jumping at everything. His muscles being tense, his back hurting, his chest hurting. He couldn't handle it anymore, and the solution was right there in front of him.
He took out a cigarette, the pack was still mostly full, and quickly lit it before putting it in his mouth and inhaling. The moment it hit he felt lightheaded, his shoulder physically slumped as he took another deeper inhale, all his fears seemingly melting away as he relaxed.
He let the cigarette hang between his fingers and exhaled a cloud of smoke, accompanied by a raspy saxophone note.
“Pluey…?”
Just as he was beginning to take a second whiff, the muffled call followed by the sound of the door opening. literally took his breath away.
“What are you doing out? It's col- oh...”
Pluey tried to quickly hide the cigarette behind his back while giving a huge grin to his now awake boyfriend, but the smoke still coming out from his nose betrayed him.
They both looked at each other for a second.
he could see the disappointment in Battat’s eyes as he left the door ajar, stepping into the balcony.
“...why are you smoking?”
Battat said in a dead pan voice, not even a hint of sarcasm but it somehow got under Pluey’s skin, it felt like a tease and he didn't like it.
*What kind of question was that?? What does he want me to say??
“oh it’s because i’m an anxious addict nothing more! XP” Come on now!*
An annoyed note escaped his mouth, which he immediately regretted.
Battat didn’t respond, just looked at him with his classic “I literally just woke up and have no idea where or when I am™” face.
He shuffled closer to him, it was clear he wasn't as fan of the chilly air like Pluey was.
“yeah sorry. stupid question…just…um”
awkward silence for a while, before his hand reached for Pluey's arm, petting it
“Hey you're not in trouble, okay? Relax geez!”
Pluey must have looked like a puppy expecting to be hit. plus his hair was still puffed up and the cigarette didn't actually help with his tense muscles that much.
He quickly discarded the still lit cigarette onto the ashtray that had been collecting rain water from the while of disuse, extinguishing it with a buzzing sound.
Then placed his now-free hand on top of Battat’s, which was still petting his arm, speaking a clearly apologetic note while leaning his head to the shoulder adjacent to arm.
How could Battat stay mad at that face?
“Come on, let's go inside, I'm freezing over here!”
He spoke in a hurry but unmistakably fond tone. He was still in his “pigiama” which means a pair of worn out shorts and an old oversized shirt. Of course he was cold.
They made their way back inside.
Apparently Battat had woken up without realizing Pluey was outside and had already started making coffee. The comforting smell lingered in the house.
Pluey sat on the couch while Battat handed him his notebook, which had been sitting on the kitchen counter all night.
“Did something happen? You should tell me if something happened."
He was never the greatest at emotional support, but he tried. Pluey took the notebook, explaining what happened probably would have helped, maybe, he hoped.
“I had morning anxiety again. Don't worry I'm doing better now, but I was really scared and that was ultimately the only thing I thought would calm me down. I'm sorry, I promised I would stop smoking, but it's hard. I'm not trying to make excuses, I just want you to understand that I'm not going back on my promises, I'm still trying.”
He wrote while Battat went to pour the coffee from the moka pot.
He showed it to him once he returned, sipping on his mug. The moment his eyes scanned the first line they widened. He lowered the mug, Pluey could see his expression looked almost surprised, it took a few seconds to finish reading.
“oh… okay. so definitely no coffee for you then.”
Battat sat the mug on the counter and quickly moved to open a few drawers seemingly looking for something
“i can make you some chamomile, would you like that?”
He responded with a nod and a thumbs up, accompanied by a few “uhm! uhm!”-like notes. Battat when to work, putting some water to boil in a pot.
He was always a bit awkward when it came to emotional support, the act from before a clear example of that. Who pets someone on the arm? very unusual. But he really does try, and being taken care of like this was already enough to make some of the anxiety go away-
-And of course even just thinking about his anxiety made another wave of it crash over him.
Pluey folded his arms , his whole body leaning forward instinctively, he was actually going to cry this time, he could feel it.
“It's going to take a few minutes for it to brew”
He could hear Battat's voice just a few steps away. right, he was there, Pluey could ask him for help. He should ask him for help.
“Do you need anything else-?”
Battat stopped in the middle of the living room
“Are you alright?”
Pluey shook his head and made grabby hands, hoping to get his needs across. It worked as Battat urgently crossed the room, stopping within arm’s reach.
Given the closeness Pluey couldn't help himself and grabbed him. pulling him on lap in a tight hug. Battat immediately hugged him back, squeezing him reassuringly.
“Don't worry i-I'm here for you, okay?! I've got you…”
Pluey buried his face in his shirt, squeezing him tighter.
He finally felt safe, so sheltered. He could finally let himself go, fall apart a bit, without fearing the world would shatter around him, because even if it happened he knew he could hold on to Battat.
They stayed like this for a while, then Battat started pushing his wrist into his back, gently massaging it
“Is this okay? Your muscles are really tense, they must hurt…”
Pluey nodded. it was very ok, so very ok,The relief was almost indescribable, a small sigh escaped his throat.
“Hey I can stop if you don't want me to! I'm sorr-”
Pluey quickly took a hold of his arms which were starting to retreat, stopping them.
His saxophone voice wasn't the best to portray concepts, but for his emotions? It was perfect. He sang a loving tune, hoping it would communicate just how much he was loving this and how grateful he was that Battat was here.
Battat sat stunned for a bit, before chuckling
“You know, if you loved it so much I can give you a proper shoulder rub, but you’ll have to stop hugging me for that”
Pluey pulled back a bit, giving him a surprised face that said “really?”
“Umm..yeah, to give you a proper massage you'd have to lay on your stomach.
you can't hug me like that. It's your call, you tell me what you prefer”
Pluey nodded and immediately repositioned himself to be laying facing down with his arms crossed and elbows on the armrests, his torso supported by them making it slightly more elevated than the rest of body, on which Battat was still sitting.
“Woah! warn me next time! I almost fell!”
Whoops he hadn't thought about that.
Pluey looked up apologetically.
Honestly, he didn't expect him to be this casual about physical affection. He would usually babble into a blushing mess at anything more than a hug. And, judging by the lovely light green color covering most of his face, that was still true.
As expected he was embarrassed, of course, he always was. but he was doing it anyway, for him, because he cared for him, and wanted him to feel better. That made him feel so loved.
Battat started petting his shoulders almost experimentally, trying to find the tightest muscle. funny how he always looked for logic and efficiency even in these kinds of situations.He found his target started applying pressure, Pluey melted into the touch as his body relaxed.
After a minute of drawing circles into his back he slowly let go, hands idling just above his back.
“um.. i-is t-thisokdoyoulikeit?”
the babbling blushing mess spoke very fast, Pluey couldn't help but laugh from how flustered he clearly was, it was cute. The laugh ended in a sigh as Battat returned to work out the tension in his muscles.
“I'll take that as a yes…”
He responded to the tease in a slightly annoyed tone. continuing to massage Plueys upper back, gradually working their way towards his neck. It felt amazing, who knew massages could be this good? And why did Tenna always insist on having HIM to them when Battat was so good at it??
Pluey started humming a happy tune very similar to a cat's purr while flexing his finger in the fabric of the couch like he was making biscuits, he was a happy cat.
After a bit of quietness Battat spoke, in a bit of a shy manner
“About earlier Pluey… you don't need to apologize for smoking.I know you aren't making excuses.”
His tone sounded almost professional, very straight to the point.
Pluey had nearly forgotten about that, the cigarette, the anxiety, Battat was a fantastic distraction.
Suddenly he spoke again, fast.
“A-and I want you to know that I will never be mad at you for that.”
Before Pluey could respond he spoke again
“You're struggling. It happens to everyone. No reason to give you pain for it.
it wouldn't help, you know?”
It was surprisingly comforting to hear those things spoken out loud. he already knew Battat felt that way, but hearing it still chased away the lingering worry.
Not that the massage wasn't already working magic to melt away all his anxiety,
“and obviously. I love you Pluey.”
Ok, he wasn't expecting that, he turned around to look at Battat, forcing him to stop his massage.
Battat stared, very intensely into his eyes, which was especially unusual considering Pluey as a shadow guy didn't have eyes.It was clearly unnatural for him.
“Umm… and, and, and you– so you don't have to worry! about. that, okay?”
Okay that was weird actually, he turned around completely, now laying on his back, raising an eyebrow slightly concerned, Battat took a deep breath before speaking again, this time in a much more controlled voice.
“I love you Pluey, Jongler loves you too. we will never stop loving you, okay?”
Finally something clicked in Pluey's head. He was reassuring him, making sure he knew he was always loved no matter what, just like he and jongler always did for him.
He never really had problems with feeling loved. Especially not as much as the pippin currently sitting on top of him. Pluey, of the three, was probably the most outwardly affectionate. So it really shouldn't have affected him that much.
But something about his tone. his words. his care. his worry. his hand that traveled from Pluey’s shoulder onto his face and was now carefully stroking it.
It made his heart melt into a warm frizzy goo, that travelled for his chest to his entire body, settling in the cheeks as it colored them with a nice pinkish hue. Battat was giving him the most gentle and wobbly smile he could as his other hand found its way to the messy black hair, playing with it caringly
Pluey let out a high pitched squeak, he didn't know why it got to him so much. But all that love felt very overwhelming. He loved it, he felt like he was in heaven, but it was a lot.
A few moments before the squeak, Jongler had come back. they had already taken off the mask and the jacket before making their way into the living room.
“aww someones a happy kitty!”
They said moving closer to the couch.
Plueys purrs were very loud at this point. You could probably hear them from outside
Jongler crouched down a bit to be at their level before adding
“And youse looks lik’ a happy dice too, boss”
“WHAT? N-! well I-I'm just trying to make HIM happy, s-so of course.. seeing him happy made me happy too”
He responded nervously.
He always spoke matter-of-factly, despite the clear emotion he was feeling, Pluey loved that about him, he thought it was very cute.
Jongler giggled, clearly thinking the same, before giving him a quick zap (kiss) on the cheek.
“Youse must’ve bin’ doin really a great job then”
Battat shooed them away with his hands, seemingly not realizing he was also flapping them, he really was a happy dice.
They leaned down slightly more to do the same for Pluey.
He reciprocated with a brief kiss almost immediately remembering about the lingering smell of cigarette still in his mouth. It wasn't like he was planning to keep it a secret from them or something, but he wanted to tell them on his own terms, not slap the evidence directly in their face and let them figure it out.
Jongler broke away for the kiss silently, their face harder to read than normal.
oh no
were they mad?
Disappointed?
“Plue, did somethin’ happen ?
Youse knows if somethin’ happened ya can tell us, right?”
Almost the same wording Battat had used, under different circumstances, Pluey probably would have found it hilarious. Instead he felt overwhelming relief.
of course they weren’t mad
He reached for his notebook and added a few lines to the previous note before holding it up for them.
(This is the previous message)
“I had morning anxiety again, don't worry I'm doing better now but I was really scared and that was ultimately the only thing I thought would calm me down, I'm sorry, I promised I would stop smoking but it's hard, I'm not trying to make excuses I just want you to understand that I'm not going back on my promises, I'm still trying.”
(This is the “few lines” he added)
“Battsy was helping me calm down, I'm doing great now, I feel fantastic so don't worry”
Jongler responded with relief
“I's glad youse doin better now Plue, remember we're always dere for ya”
Jongler reached and patted his head.
"See? I told you. You can always count on us. We love you."
Battat added that while softly petting Pluey's head, his loving gestures stood in a bit of contrast to his somewhat flat tone of voice.
Jongler gave both of them a loving look, the kind someone would give to a pair of kittens cuddling together. which was basically what he was looking at
“Aww batts! Youse so sweet!”
“I’M NOT SWEET!! I just– I just wanted to reassure him!”
Battat immediately defended himself from the ‘accusation’, he would soon realize the tease
“Awww! so youse do love us!”
Jongler shot back while hugging Pluey, who happily joined the teasing with a string of notes that copied their tone of voice.
“OF COURSE I LOVE YOU TWO!!!”
He flailed his arms around dramatically before narrowing his eyes as they both burst out laughing.
“We knows Boss don't worry!”
His annoyed look dissipated as he suddenly remembered about the chamomile tea.
“Pluey do you still want the tea? I mean, you don’t really look like you need it anymore.”
Pluey sat straightened up like an excited dog and nodded enthusiastically. Battat tried to get down but Pluey wrapped his arms around him, he was about to say something when Jongler crouched back up.
“I’ll get dat for youse, don't cha worry batts”
They headed for the kitchen while Pluey continued squeezing Battat.
“Let me guess. you are gonna stay glued to me all day aren't you?”
In response, he snuggled his face into his shoulder rubbing their cheeks together, the message was clear.
“Is it da cat mug?”
“Of course it's the cat mug.”
Jongler soon returned with a cat shaped mug.
Pluey begrudgingly let go of Battat and took it into his hand. The cup had a couple simple cat designs scattered across the surface and a lid shaped like a cat's head which also served as a saucer.
The lid was in hindsight a smart choice as it made sure that the drink didn't turn cold while they were having their little “cuddle-comfort session”.
Pluey took a sip, the flavor itself was obviously not very strong, he could really only taste the insane amount of honey Battat put in it for him.
it was just the way he liked it.
Battat and Jongler would often tease him about his “otherworldly sweet-tooth”, what can a man do? He loved sweet things.
between sips he let questioning note out, direct at Jongler.
“yeah Jon, what did Tenna want this early?”
Battat asked to. Jongler looked like they were ready to rant for hours
"tell me 'bout it!
tenn's was havin' a ‘bit of a style crisis’, so he had ta try own every suit the man owned!"
“and he HAD to know Mike's opinion?”
“youse bet!”
“At 5 in the morning?”
Jongler put their hand on their forehead in a dramatic gesture, putting their other arm around Pluey, petting his head like a fidget toy.
He was contentedly drinking his sweet beverage and fondly listening to his partner's discussion. When their hand met his head he immediately began purring louder.
“Youse very cuddly today aren't ya Plue?”
Pluey finished his drink with a big chug before releasing an extremely cat-like “prrrrmeow” his head moving upward into their hand.
He glanced at Battat, whose gaze immediately bolted towards a random unidentified corner of the room, failing triumphantly at hiding the fact that he was staring.
It wasn't really embarrassment, he had explained to them how overwhelming it could be for him to look people in the eyes sometimes. even if neither Pluey nor Jongler actually had them, they understood.
Still wanting contact but not wanting to overwhelm his boyfriend, Pluey held his hand.
Battat leaned into him. Jongler adjusted positions slightly to more comfortably take a hold on his hand as well, while still petting Pluey.
The three of them stayed cuddled like that for a while, Pluey purring like an engine.
Eventually Battat asked
“... are you still feeling anxious Pluey?”
Pluey shook his head.
“...good…”
They stayed snuggling for a bit before Tenna called Mike again.
The day went on without any particular event after that, aside from their boss's extremely sparkly purple suit, which he seemed really proud of.
Soon the work day ended, and all three ate dinner together and binge-watched one of Jongler's favorite western shows.
Jongler looked over at the sleepy pippins and the even sleepier-looking shadow guy.
"We should hit the hay soon, don't youse two think?"
Battat yawned while writing something in his notebook before responding.
“you two should go, I wanna check these shows out first”
He moved to the side of the couch to pick up a box full of old CDs and VHSs
"These definitely belonged to the original Mike! So if I could find which ones he used more, I could get a sense of his personal-"
Pluey shushed him with an annoyed saxophone noise making, him turn around.
"Don't youse think youse could do dat tomorrow?"
Jongler responded with a sarcastic tone
“well i can get started-”
Battat tried to reply, but Jongler stopped him again
“Don't youse think youse would do a better job theorizing when youse not all sleepy-eppy?”
They stated, they were definitely right.
“I guess…”
Battat responded while getting up and stretching his arms.
Pluey grabbed them and picked him up with little to no effort, so that only his tiptoes touched the floor. Then quickly ran to the bedroom, much to Battat's surprise and discontent before setting him down gently on the bed.
“DONT YOU-”
Battat stopped himself, took a deep breath before continuing
“Don't ever do that again, you clod!!”
Pluey giggled and got around to the closet to get their night clothes
He registered Battat moving up to get more comfortable in the bed and Jongler entering the room.
He launched the clothes at the two. Jongler gracefully caught theirs. Battat got hit in the head by his, not hard enough to hurt him but to goofily make him lean back.
After they got them on Pluey was about to climb into bed but Battat stopped him.
“Wait!”
Pluey tilted his head in confusion
“i think you should take your meds. Before going to bed. I- I don't want you to get another panic attack tomorrow”
Battat said with a worried tone Pluey wasn't used to hearing from him. Jongler spoke as well
"yeah, plue. It'd be better to prevent it than to cure it ya know? even if ya feel better now.
but it's your body of course. Youse know best."
their tone caring as ever, Battat also felt like adding
“yeah exactly i think that too! but really you should think about it”
Pluey nodded with a sweet smile and walked towards the nightstand.
He heard Jongler whispering gently to Battat
“Youse really are da sweetest, ya know? You cannot hide that from us”
Battat grumbled something incomprehensible as a response, making Jongler laugh quietly.
Pluey took the pill with some leftover water inside a bottle that had been sitting there for far too long, tossing it in the bin after being finished.
Then he ran into bed, after seeing Jongler slowly petting Battat’s head he quickly went to pet him too.
The pippins wasn't acting like he was a fan, even if he didn't actually do anything to stop it, until it escalated to Pluey pressing little kisses onto his forehead.
“Ok that's enough! you two are done!!”
Battat said before hiding his head under the pillow, the two chuckled and wrapped their arms around each other, sandwiching Battat in the middle.
“ *Sigh*... good night”
The muffled voice came from under the pillow.
“Good night boss”
Jongler responded, then they started petting Pluey’s back
“Good night Plues, sleep well alright?”
Pluey responded by nodding, “I love you two so much” was the last thing he heard before drifting off.
