What to do when a BDSM relationship ends.
I’ve chosen to write about this first because its something that I have recently gone through, and that I am still processing. We all know when a relationship ends it can suck. Yes there are those times when people both agree to move on at the same time, but that doesn’t always happen. When it does come as a surprise and the relationship ends even in the vanilla world it can be devastating at times. It seems like in our wide world of Kink, when a Dom/me and Sub part ways it feels like it’s even worse. At first all the light fades from the world, all the joy is gone, food and drink turn to ash in your mouth, everything and anything just seems to highlight that missing piece in your life. There’s that void inside you that feels like nothing can fill. Sometimes there is anger at the person who left you like this, sometimes there is longing, sometimes there is still love.
I’m no expert in psychology, in fact I have had my butt on the couch asking for help more often than not. But I have had my share of relationships end, both in the vanilla world, and the BDSM world. I at least wanted to write and share some of the things that have helped me through those times, when you don’t even want to get out of bed, much less go to work/school.
- Take time to process what you are feeling, write it in a journal, but take your time. Your feelings are valid and you need to work through each of them as they come. But here’s the trick once you have taken the time to properly process them, let them go. Holding on to that pain, sorrow, loss, etc. is only going to hurt you in the long run.
- Talk to the people close to you, if you can talk to family great, if not talk to your friends in the community, but keep things confidential between the two of you. Not everyone needs to know everything, but letting those things out to the people who are close by can help. If you can’t talk to anyone in person reach out to people you can trust online even. There are tons of us out there willing to listen and keep things private.
- If you need to, seek professional help. There are some ways in which a relationship can end that pretty much call for professional help. If there was abuse in the relationship especially seek it. But also when someone ghosts on you, and you have been together for a long time, I recommend getting help. It’s happened to me, and I needed help when it happened.
- Make sure you set a schedule for yourself, and keep to it. Make sure you are getting regular sleep, drinking plenty of water, take vitamins, and get plenty of sun. Also make sure you go to the gym – I’m not saying start going and go everyday for 4 hours, you don’t need to become the hulk, but working out will help release endorphins and other chemicals that will help you feel more positive. Try to eat a healthy balance of protein, carbs, and sugars. Your diet can play a huge factor in how your body, and brain process things. But also allow for some of those indulgences like ice cream, chocolate, etc.
- Don’t try to jump right into something else with someone new. And don’t let anyone pressure you into a new relationship. I know people will say “oh, you just need a rebound!” In my experience this does more harm than good, and more people can get hurt. You will know when you are ready to get involved with someone again.
- On that same note – take a break from some of the kink world. There are going to be a lot of things that are going to have very strong memories attached to them. So take the time to step away for a little bit, maybe still go to munches, or events. But I would recommend taking a break from any play time, or scenes. While I know how much a good impact or rope session can be cathartic, it can also be damaging to both you, and the person you are engaging in the play with.
These are just some of the things that can help. But followers if you have anything to add by all means do so.
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