If I did it my way...The Phantom Menace
So after watching Episode 1 from start to finish for the first time in years. I got thinking, with a large amount of alcohol, (which should always be present in watching any of the prequel films.) Along with a friend who I had totally not blackmailed into watching the film with me (It was totally John) we began to spit ball ideas on how this film could have been so much better.
Iāve tried not to delve into the expanded universe for this. Because honestly, a lot of it is trying to fix the mistakes that where present in the film. So letās dispense with that. (Besides, now that Disney has paved over the EU itās helped clear things up. Cannon is a funny thing, the looser it is the more chance you are going to have of breaking things more than you are going to fix them.) You shouldnāt have to rely on an expanded universe to fix the mistakes in your broken ass movie. What this will be is less of an essay, or my own film, but rather a thread of ideas loosely thrown together, they probably donāt all gel together perfectly. And would most likely take a much more skilled hand than mine to make into something that could work properly. But what the hell, itās not like Iām making money from this. So, without further ado, letās get this party started.
Naboo. My first problem with this planet, setting aside the fact that they have a democratically elected Monarch, but the planet was wasted potential. So the trade federation are blockading itā¦.okay. That would be aboutā¦what? 50 ships. Fair enough, seems a lot of energy and effort for a planet that has nothing on it. Iās apparently trade disputes but the line is tossed aside so quickly that you donāt care. The opening crawl in this film is a mass of exposition dump as no one cares about trade rights or Occupy Naboo. We want laser battles and robots exploding dammit.
How could this have been fixed? Well, one idea could be make Naboo a planet of value. Setting aside the Gungans for a moment. Letās just imagine this is a lush planet that people have come to colonise, and then mine the crap out of. It would make perfect sense to have a planet blockaded if it was worth something. If the planet was a massive galactic resource pool, full of raw minerals for making hyperdrives and star ships, they you have decent motivation. So there isnāt a royal family. But instead, Amadala, the child heir to the Naboo mining corporation, potentially worth a lot of republic credits and is a young head of the company in training.
So, the Trade Federation, the Naboo mining corporationās biggest rival decides to use scrupulous means to erect a blockade around the planet using less than decent means. It is however a delicate situation as both companies provide a massive amount of raw goods that are used all over the galaxy. So in order to try and sort this out, the council on Coroscant, decides to send two Jedi to handle the negotiations on having the trade Federation remove their blockade of the planet.
So okay, with me so far? Itās not too far off from the original plot, but already thereās reasons for things to be happening. But while the larger details are interesting, letās look at the smaller ones as well. Those damn battle droids. They look so freaking cool. And yet they are given such damn stupid dialogue as āUh Coroscant, that doesnāt computeā¦I Uhā¦youāre under arrest!ā Itās annoying because these are some pretty cool and unique looking henchmen for the films. One of their best moments is actually when the are literally being unfolded at the end of the film for the final battle. They are a mass produced army of huge numbers. Sometimes itās not about strength, but sheer numbers. These robots where made to look so inhuman, taking advantage of the then new digital technology to make these villains interesting. So why not make them sound cool as well? Given that they are machines they wouldnāt really need to talk. After all, we have machines now that can ātalkā to each other with no need to actually produce sound. There have been various fan edits that have made all of the grunt level droids totally silent. I say get creative at this point. Make them alien. Their long sweeping heads and thin skeletal bodies make them look very insectoid. Make them just that little creepier, and instead of silence, give them this inhuman clicking sound, or chirruping, like an R2 unit, but a kind of horribly offsetting sound. You could actually make them creepy!
Now we get to the Trade Federation trying to kill these two Jedi. To be perfectly honest, while Neason and McGreggor deliver performances so bland you could cut them in half and count the rings, their presence in this film doesnāt offend me. So they mostly get a free pass, so they can escape this rant with only minor wounds.
So after a failed attempted at killing these two Jedi with very obvious gasā¦Seriously? Cloudy gas? I could name several methods that would kill these two in 30 seconds or less.
Vent the air from the room, holding your breath will only kill you faster.
Pump in carbon monoxide. Itās odourless and colourless and kills pretty quickly in high enough quantities.
Or if you donāt mind having to do a little clean up. Blow out the window, they get thrown off into the deep space never to be seen again.
Or if you really donāt mind trying to go to an extreme. Have a non trade federation ship pull a John Harrison and shoot out the room from space, making it look like a third party attack and either they get shot up, or they get sucked out into space. It also means itās harder to trace the crimes back to you as you could even hire a bounty hunter to do it.
Now that Iāve displayed the skill that says I could run both SPECTER and the Sith Empire without breaking a sweat. We can get back to the plot. So, Obiwan and Qui Gon arrive on Naboo at the mining facility. Thankfully meeting no one on their way. No one. At all.
So after revealing that they are going to have their planet invaded. Well the jedi suggest to get the higher ups of the company out and get their asses to Mars- I mean Coroscant. In the process the invasion begins and in the confusion much of the planet is taken over. Amidalaās parentās killed leaving her as one of the few surviving members of the company.
While feeling the planet, the ship is struck and nocked badly out of control. With their route to the core planets blocked, the escaping crew can only flee to the outer worlds and hide out on a barren planet to heal their injured and do what repairs they can.
While on planet, Qui Gon and and Amadalaās body guard, (replacing the role of hand maiden.) Is sent to assist Qui Gon, since Tatooine is a bit of a crap hole and the better protection they have the better. He agrees because heās not an idiot.
At this point I should dicuss my own idea of what kind of person Jinn is. Personally, I see him as a very morally centred sort of Jedi. The kind of person who would be sent of this mission to help negotiations because of how he thinks, he plays fair and strongly believes in the code of the jedi.
Now thatās not saying heās never killed someone in self defense, heās not some sort of closed minded hypocrite. But itās an interesting situation that was never explored in the film. A proud and powerful Jedi Knight having to resort of under handed dealings, gambling and deception in order to win the parts they need to get off planet. It would have been one scene, just with him having to deal with what heās doing. And how wrong it feels, because of course, when you have the power to move stuff with your mind, predict the future and influence others, no doubt the temptation to screw with shit in your favor is going to be strong. And I donāt just mean in combat. Think of how exploitive the Jedi mind trick really is. Imagine being to do that all the time. Seems like a pretty big temptation to be honest.
So letās talk about him. We all know we where getting to this partā¦this root canal of a character. And several others in a little section I like to call.
I was drinking and even I and my blackmailed friend could come up with better characters than you can Lucas.
Little Anni. Or perhaps a little bigger. Sayā¦a cocky mid teen? Makes sense when you think about it. The council brush him off as āToo oldā in the film. Really? Because we see the producers children *ahem* I mean the younglings in the next film, and they canāt be more than a few years older than himā¦but still.
A teenage Anakin makes more sense to me. Aside from fixing the creepy age gap between him and Amidala. It also puts him in that age range that would make his character a little more believable. Heās got skill, almost natural intuition, and he shows off a bit. But really isnāt a bad person at heart. Just like most teens. His construction of a Pod also makes more sense when you think about it, heās what? 10 in the film? Dammit when I was ten I wasnāt allowed to use sharp knives. And they give this kid something with jet engines. And he build 3POā¦?
So how about Watto? Well letās just side step the horribly awakardā¦well you knowā¦the voiceā¦and the money grubbing. Iāll just keep moving.
Actually, in the film, he has a lot of potential on his own. Heās not an unkind slave owner. Heck, heās actually pretty kind when you consider he does pay Anakin. He just seems to have these really inconsistent moments. At one point, he seems to be a fairly decent person running a business, to turning into pretty much a Disney/Captain planet villain. If he was kept to a more, cruel, back stabbing and cheating it would seem a little bit more in keeping with the nature and concept of slavers.
Sebulba! Bet you didnāt see that coming. Actually, Sebulbaās character interests me. Because of the way he walks. Hear me out. See, his stance and the way he walksā¦is odd. Nature may have given us the platypus, but itās never going to create something with a messed up spine like Sebulbaās. So why does he walk like heās part of Circus Soleil? Well, pod racing is dangerous. More than likely heās actually compensating for being crippled. Thing is with this guy. He cheats. Always cheats. But if he was so good. Why would he need to? Why would anyone with any kind of exceptional talent need to resort to underhanded methods?
What if he was wronged in a race that crippled him? Could another cheating racer have maybe just tossed a tool into his engine and let him crash? And after this he was so infuriated at this that the only way he could make it feel fair or right was that if he started cheating as well. Everyone does it and itās a hard game to play. While cheating isnāt he only way to play. Sebulba sees it as the only way he can play it. Because in his mind, nobody plays fair.
So with that in mind, letās get to the race. While it would be the same fair. I think Sebulba should have died.
Picture the scene, itās the final straight. And as Sebulba tries to ram Anakin, their pods lock and one of the energy binders overloads causing both pods to be showered in this pink lightening. Both pods are now locked together and unable to free themselves, heading towards a massive clump of boulders. If they donāt separate soon theyāll both collide and surely die. Enraged and panicked that a teenager is doing better than him Sebulba picks up a tool form his pod and tries beating Anakin away.
Instinctively Anakin raises his hand to protect himself from Sebulbaās blows. Afraid at what is happening, terrified that heās going to die and fail his friends, and angry and Sebulba, so very angry. Something happens. In the midsts of the energy binders engulfing the two pods. Another arc of energy is seen, just for a split second from Anakinās palm, a mighty blue thunderbolt. And itās hard to tell if it struck Sebulba or not. Something seemed to have hit him. It could have been the lightening from Anakinās palms, or it could have been the energy binders, numbing the pilot into unconsciousness and causing both pods to break free. Sebulba sadly spiralling out of control and into the rocks. Engulfed in a massive explosion. With no way of telling if he was dead before he hit the rock.
And this, this would be something that would eat at Anakin. Did he just do something that killed this man? Or was it the energy binder? Surely it was the energy binder. No one can shoot lightening from their hands. And so he wins. Trying not to think weather he killed someone to obtain that victory.
And this little mistake can come back to hurt Anakin in so many ways. Imagine in the next film if someone managed to get ahold of the footage. When you consider it, Anakin would become something of a celebrety, according to the film, not many (if any at all) humans podrace, so a young slave wins the Bonta Eve race? And then becomes a Jedi? He might actually have a bit of hero worship going on there. Something that could easily be exploited in a second story.
However, you might have some who are a little skeptical about Anakin. With the reveal that he became a Jedi, some might think he did in fact cheat to outdo Sebulba. While it would doubtless annoy Anakin, it would hardly be something he would kill over. Or would he?
See, even today we have people who go over frame by frame of footage of planes taking off claiming they see chem trails, or say that the mole on the back of their neck is a mind control chip put in there by the reptilian government.
So what if someone got really curious about the Sebulba race? We know there are some slightly morbid folk who like to watch crashes of F1, so imagine mixing that with a little conspiracy theorising, and perhaps that paranoia pays off. After all, Sebulba always wins, and suddenly a teen takes him out?
So they look at the footage, tirelessly working through every frame. And they see it. Something in the energy binders. Itās not pink energy, itās blue. Of course, how Anakin would deal with such a revelation is better left to a look at attack of the clones. (thankfully that film isnāt as big a disappointment as Phantom Menace is, but we shall get to it eventually.)
But we shall get to what happens to Anakin in the later films and the rest of this film soon enough.
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