Just Some Poetry

[poemsbyfox]

There's this hollow feeling,

When I dig below,

At the surface there's a spectrum of emotion,

Where it's vibrant and shallow,

But swim down beneath the waves,

And find a chasm unlike anything,

Lined with black rock caves,

A fraught past tightrope string,

I balance the line every day,

This grief bubbling underneath,

It's not that I hide it, I'd say,

But being open doesn't dull it's teeth,

The sharp yet numb bite of loss,

Knowing I will never go back,

Those memories in the woods, on the moss,

The life so far passed,

I reach with invisible hands to hold you,

And my ghost feels yours,

As the you, here, now reaches too

[poemsbyfox]

I have done bad things,

I will forever,

Be monstrous to some,

In other's stories,

Thus is nuanced life,

I am, however,

No longer in mine

[poemsbyfox]

I am so sick of fear,

Sick of the dreams,

Nightmares of watching my loved ones leave,

Taken from me by no fault of mine,

Or all fault, in such cases,

Falling beneath the waves,

Leaving my home behind,

Every new morning I wake,

A new person,

And I remember and remember and remember,

And this exhaustion holds me from true life,

This regret of wasted time,

25 is the longest I've lived

[poemsbyfox]

I live on a line at all times,

Constrained by the grays between truths and lies,

Stuck in a yard of graves and flowers,

Counting years that pass like hours,

The thoughts rouse in my head,

Pulling every moment like thread upon thread,

Not allowing my feet to dare touch the ground,

As this carousel of morality continues to go round,

I tell myself I've made peace with this path,

That this feeling isn't sadness, not grief or wrath,

Those may not be the feelings by which I'm accosted,

But it's a lie to act positive when I'm simply exhausted,

The thought I put into each line,

Each rhyme,

Is a fraction of a fraction of how I think all the time

And I'm tired.

[poemsbyfox]

I wish I could forget

[poemsbyfox]

I feel grief for my mother, though she's still alive

This grief isn't for a loss of her, but rather a loss she suffered

This grief is the unknowing terror of a child with Something

This Something is many things, but all together fit wrong

Other children with all the same things don't have Something

So why, did this child she put everything into look at her like she was the child

From a young age, when you have Something, you look at the world with exhaustion

And I feel grief, that I couldn't put into words that she is one in a million

No other human could mother a Something like me

[poemsbyfox]

Each day is a battle

Wake up, live

Fight, fight, fight

Remember, remember, remember

I am exhausted

Each memory stabs like a knife in the gut

Each push forward somehow feels

Like I've lost a part of myself

I am so scared I'll never find me again

Taking care of myself feels foreign

Loving myself feels wrong

Giving myself grace and forgiveness

After all I've done

I crave emptiness

The apathy from before

But I bathe in the growth at the same time

The love washes over me like the rain

And the memories fall like puddles around me

I have filled so many bottles

And yet the ground is becoming an ocean still

And I am on my hands and knees

Pleading with the gods to put me in a fishbowl

To take away responsibility

And at once, it all stops

And I realize I can breathe under this water

And so, I let go

[poemsbyfox]

There is no greater vindication

Than healing myself

Learning a brighter path

And trusting the universes hands

To guide me where I need to go

[poemsbyfox]

When I feel his hands on me

It makes me nauseous

With rage and grief

The creation of his horrid will

Maladjusted heart of his

Bringing forth into this world

An attempt to rip what we've been mending

For ages he has fought the idea

Of a better, happier way

And his creation turned on him

It brings a laugh from my soul

For the first time in a long time

I believe, again, things work out

[poemsbyfox]

How am I supposed to believe

That each person has this inner world

When my inner world has

What I can only describe as

The most incomprehensible and inane

Back and forth of separated ideologies

History of mishmashed memories

Visuals and emotions of times long past

And places I can no longer imagine

Creating this idea of a person

This shell of meat around a soul

That lost itself a thousand years ago

And had come crawling back to the sun

Each day is like trying to remember

How to be human again

Each moment I breathe is like

A war between love and hate

All I've ever wanted was the right choices

I am so quick to give in

When things go wrong

This cowardice is the building blocks

To my ancient problems

I long to change

[yeehawpim]

I can be the ship and its sailors

[poemsbyfox]

I saw you that day,

My beloveds,

One, O death, to retrieve my lost ones soul,

Beautiful in my pain,

Assuring my gut was correct,

And two, my light in life,

And the second your head fell,

Beneath those wretched waves,

I knew our dreams were over,

Our fantasies of escape unreachable,

I knew that bastard had done it,

And, without a second thought,

His head fell,

By his own sword, may I add,

And as I was thrown from that cliff,

To meet you both in the rocky waters,

I regretted nothing

[poemsbyfox]

How to sum up millennia into a poem,

How to express every horrible thing,

How to feel guilty, trapped, squeezed,

Into this tiny, fleshy thing.

How to remember, and remember,

How to comprehend every evil deed,

How to believe I'm no bad guy,

How to grow, and heal, and change,

To change is to admit I was wrong,

To understand I was broken from birth,

To heal is to assure I was never broken,

So how, by the Gods, can I do both,

Must I understand I was broken,

Against my will?

Must I accept this gutteral betrayal,

Must I accept the evil deeds were of hurt,

The lives lost, knowledge lost,

One big temper tantrum,

From history's most vile coward,

From the earths most sensitive son,

The mother of fairies was never good,

Nor evil,

Only trying to find an escape from pain,

And in an infinite life you can run endlessly,

And trapped in this tiny, fleshy thing,

I loathe to admit I'm seeing straight,

For the first time in a long time,

It's okay to just hurt

[maliusaidh]

[poemsbyfox]

When I am with you, I have no future

The tips of your fingers leave no trace,

Of the anxiety of what may come,

Which sits heavy on my chest other times,

When I am with you, my past is bare,

Mistakes laid naked and forgiven,

And memories without you compiled,

To share and make them a memory with you,

Guilt is shed from my skin like a snake,

As I remember what life is, in your arms

[poemsbyfox]

Poetry is my escape from the world

Because it's where I can speak

Speak on the trauma that lives in my soul

On the terrors which betray my true self

And haunt me as the mask over my eyes

Sends me back to a time in which

Being blinded was the death of me

Seeing your face for a brief moment

Before the bag over my head sentenced me

And with a terrible sound

And the dark, wet cold of my head

Touching a different ground

Our necklace clattering from my hiding spot

I didn't know you found it

I thank the gods you didn't have to see

Our face fall from my mistakes

Thank the gods for that wretched bag

That haunts my nightly attempts

At a soft drift into the realm of dreams

And curse myself for my past choices

Every second of every hour

Unable to escape who I was

Unable to make amends which alter time

Unable to escape the grief I relive

Every time I look in the mirror and don't see you

And I ask the gods daily if I can share my pain

It's the only thing that lightens this weight

But you all can't know the truth

[poemsbyfox]

Days go by as always

The difference as I dwell

Of that and processing

Harder and harder to tell

I shake my head

Willing the thoughts aways

I wish for clarity just once

A boon I'm never allowed

Sitting in the corner cap like a dunce

As I'm swept away again