Thinking about how when Keating first introduces himself he says they can call him 'O Captain my Captain' if they're 'slightly more daring', and we see Neil as the first one to call him that, before some of the other Poets do throughout the film (the generally louder ones - Charlie and Knox), showing their already more 'daring' personalities.
The overwhelming significance of Todd saying 'O Captain my Captain' at the end is not just about him disobeying Nolan and showing his loyalty to Keating, it's about how despite everything he has become more daring, and that he's able to show Keating that in that final moment, with those specific words.
Something I have also noticed is, in the scene after the "call from God" moment where Keating comes in to quote-unquote "scold" Charlie, as he leaves, they all say, "Thank you, Captain."
Except Cameron, who goes "thank you, sir," before realizing everyone said "Captain" and correcting himself.
Cameron always struggled with being daring, especially in that group, and this scene personifies it greatly at that point in the movie, especially with it being well before the ending.
#this is one of the hardest things to learn#and one of the most painful things to accept#you can’t love someone’s mental illness away#but you can love them through it and with it#and you can love them on bad days and good days and nothing days and everything days#and that’s more important really
a/n: hello, it has been AGES since i posted an update for this fic. i swear to you i didn’t forget about it, i have so many chapters written out, i just fall short with editing and actually posting ): hope you’re all well !! <3
chapter summary: a day of fun ensues between a few of the boys, but things devolve rather quickly into something no one but neil saw coming.
warnings: homophobia, swearing, violence, blood, angst (let me know if i missed any or you’d like anything to be added !!)
word count: 2674
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After their walk, Todd found it easier to be around Neil, but still hadn’t made any other conscious effort to hang out with him. The chance came, though, one Saturday morning in October when Neil invited Todd out for the umpteenth time. And Todd, surprising everyone (but mostly himself), said yes.
“Really?” Neil did a double take, halfway through pulling his coat on.
“Uh… yeah,” Todd sat up. He’d gotten back from breakfast a few minutes prior and had picked up his poetry book to lay in bed and read when Neil asked.
“Forgive me for seeming surprised,” Neil laughed, “You’ve just never said ‘yes’ before,”
“I know. But I’m tired of being in the dorms. Might be nice to get out before the weather turns,” he shrugged. And I also want to hang out with you, Todd thought, shaking the voice in his head away.
“Well… Cool,” Neil smiled, “It’s just me, Charlie, Meeks, and Pitts. I’ll go tell them you’re tagging along today,” but before Neil could make it to the door, Charlie threw it open.
“What’s up, fuckers?”
“Charlie! Todd’s coming with us today!” Neil beamed, seeming way too excited about it.
“No shit, really?” Charlie turned to Todd, grinning, “Guess Pittsie and Knox owe me twenty bucks,” he smirked.
“What for?” Todd asked, gathering his coat into his arms.
“Oh, nothing, really. We just placed bets on if you were ever going to hang out with us,” Charlie shrugged.
“Oh,” Todd mumbled, blushing.
“Don’t sweat it. All my friends are idiots,” Neil teased, laughing. Todd gave a close-lipped acknowledgement and the three of the boys entered the hallway where the others were waiting.
It turned out that sneaking off campus was a lot easier than it seemed. The faculty really only seemed to care during the week, leaving the halls wide open to just walk through uninterrupted and uninterrogated on weekends.
“Where are we going?” Todd wondered aloud, trailing behind the group. Neil had relinquished his normal front position to hang back near Todd. He didn’t say anything, but that made Todd’s stomach feel a little funny.
“We’re going apple picking! Charlie found this place a few blocks away,” Neil responded.
“Yes, and you’re all welcome in advance,” Charlie smirked.
Having never been apple picking before, Todd was slightly excited. He was used to corn mazes, county fairs with chili cookoffs, and deep-fried everything. The chance to experience something new made him nervous, but also piqued his interest. When they arrived at the orchard, there were a handful of people there. They grabbed two wooden buckets between the five of them and split into two groups. After much deliberation, Neil and Todd were a group, leaving Charlie, Meeks, and Pitts as the other. The plan was to pick apples for a half hour, then meet back at the front of the farm to get rung up. Meeks had smartly implemented a limit of how many apples they could take since they had to carry them all the way back to campus. Commending him for the sentiment, Neil and Todd took off in the opposite direction of the other three, Todd’s chest feeling like an empty chasm with tennis balls racketing around aimlessly.
“I bet there isn’t much apple picking in Arizona?” Neil mentioned as they made their way down the aisles of trees.
“Uh… No,” Todd said, “I don’t really know how it works,”
“It’s pretty easy actually,” Neil replied with a laugh, “Basically you just pick however many of whatever kinds of apples you want, then you get them weighed– though, some farms do it by quantity– and you pay. A lot of farms have other products like apple donuts, or cider, or coffee that you can also buy at the register,” Neil smiled, reaching into a branch to pick an apple that had caught his eye.
“Oh,” Todd smiled, admiring how long and elegant Neil’s body was. Snap out of it, he told himself, “okay,” he nodded a bit, reaching for an apple of his own.
When the boys had returned to the dorms, bagfuls of apples in tow, Meeks and Pitts went back to their room, leaving Todd alone with Neil and Charlie. After setting the bag of apples on his desk, Todd wiped his hands on his pants and took a deep breath. Charlie flopped onto Neil’s bed and stretched out as if it were his own while Neil leaned on his desk.
“Well that was a lovely day,” Charlie sighed, clearly satisfied.
“It really was,” Neil smiled, glancing at Todd. Todd gave Neil a small smile.
“Of course it was! Spent with Meeks, Pittise, and my favorite gays,” Charlie giggled, pulling a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket, lighting it as if it were second nature. Todd froze at Charlie’s words, his smiling fading faster than Charlie could flick his lighter on.
“What?” Todd looked at him, eyebrows completely knit, his face heating up. Charlie raised his eyebrows, confused.
“What…?” he questioned, not understanding what Todd was asking about.
“What did you just call me?” Todd stood a little straighter, his shoulders tensed.
“I… I was just saying like… I was hanging out with my… favorite people all day…” Charlie was treading lightly. He hadn’t even noticed he said what he said until Todd’s reaction.
“Todd, it was just a joke– Charlie didn’t mean anything by it…” Neil had brought himself off the edge of his desk and was standing upright, mirroring Todd.
“No, what did you call me? I want you to say it. What did you call me?” Todd’s tone had taken a turn neither Charlie nor Neil had heard before. And Todd’s accent began to peak out from behind the curtains. Neil knitted his eyebrows at Todd.
“I was just saying like… I was hanging out with–”
“Charlie, what the FUCK did you just call me?” Todd’s voice rose even more, his accent almost full-blown.
Neil stepped closer to him, “Todd, calm down,” he motioned his hands in a “tone it down” kind of way, but Todd knocked them aside.
“I’m not fucking gay,” Todd was staring daggers at Charlie.
“Todd, stop. He didn’t mean–” Neil began, only to be shoved by Todd. He stumbled backward and looked at Neil. At this, Charlie sprung out of Neil’s bed and rushed to them.
“What the hell are you doing, Todd?” he interrogated, standing next to Neil. Neil’s face was equal parts embarrassed, sad, and confused as he regained his balance.
“I said I’m not FUCKING GAY. Okay? Don’t ever fucking call me that again. I’m not some messed up queer like you, alright?” he gestured to Neil as his accent became painfully obvious; both boys had caught on and were tremendously confused. Neil winced at Todd’s choice of words.
“Okay, you don’t have to get so defensive. Just relax, okay? Sorry,” Charlie took a drag on his cigarette, “But from how dramatic you’re reacting to this…” Neil’s face broke into a harsh grimace as he smacked Charlie’s shoulder with the back of his hand.
“Charlie–” but before he could finish his sentence, Todd had pushed Charlie onto the floor, “Todd, stop!” Neil caught Todd’s fist before he could bring it down to hit Charlie, so instead, Todd wriggled his arm out of Neil’s grasp and punched him square in between the eyes, “AH!” Neil cried, clutching his face and stumbling backwards, falling into his desk chair.
“I SAID I’M NOT GAY” the twang in Todd’s vocal cords was vehement and the ache and sting in his knuckles rivaled that in Neil’s face. Todd was breathing heavily, already beginning to come down from his anger high.
The door flung open, revealing Cameron, Charlie’s roommate, “What the hell are you guys doing in–” he stopped when he saw Charlie on the floor and Neil clutching his face. Todd stepped away from them, staring in horror at his hand, still balled into a fist. His breathing began to quicken, as he looked between all three boys around him. What just happened? What the hell did I just do? he thought, tears welling in his eyes. Neil’s nose was dripping blood; Cameron grabbed a random shirt and handed it to him. Neil took it, but his gaze was fixed on Todd. There was something written in his eyes, but Todd couldn’t tell what it was. Anger? Sadness? Both? He genuinely didn’t know. But the pain began to radiate even harder through his hand and his breathing grew more shallow as the seconds agonizingly passed by.
“Todd, what did you do?” Cameron asked, his voice on eggshells. Before he knew it, Todd had bumped Cameron on his way out the door and ran into the hallway, down the stairs, onto the grounds, and off campus. Todd was sorry, he knew that he was, but he didn’t know what to say. So he left, finding himself sitting on a tree stump in the woods near school with his thoughts and an aching hand clutched to his chest.
Neil had placed the shirt on his nose while Cameron helped Charlie up off of the ground.
“You guys okay?” Cameron asked, holding Charlie’s shoulders to stabilize him as he got up. Neil began to cry.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” Charlie started, “Neil, what is it?” Cameron and Charlie knelt in front of their friend, concerned for his face and his tears.
Slightly muffled from the shirt, Neil spoke, “Charlie, I told you he was, why did you egg him on like that? He’s clearly not… out,”
“Neil, seriously I didn’t know he’d get all violent. I’m sorry…”
“I-I told you he… I knew he was, I just… there’s a reason he… gets so uncomfortable when we bring it up. I told you,” Neil sobbed, moving the shirt away from his face. The blood had stopped, but the excess had begun to dry and cake on his lips and around his mouth.
“I know, alright? I should’ve listened to you. I’m sorry,” Charlie sighed, “Come on, you have to go to Hager for an ice pack,” he offered.
“What should I say happened?” Neil shook, trying to regain his composure.
“You should… Tell him that Todd hit you?” Cameron said, confused. If there was one thing to be said about Charlie’s roommate, it was that he was a stickler for rules and the truth, no matter what form it took or the consequences it would elicit.
“Yeah, right, and get him expelled?” Neil scoffed, glaring at Cameron.
“Neil, look, I know you have feelings for him and whatever, but is it worth this? I mean… He hit you for crying out loud!” Cameron argued, unconvinced. Neil had mentioned to his friends the feelings he had begun to have for Todd, knowing they’d be just about the only people who’d understand and support him.
“Cameron, it’s not that simple. Really,” he looked knowingly at the ginger, “This stuff… happens. It’s not Todd’s fault that he reacted the way he did. Seriously,” Neil sniffled, tasting metallicy blood in his throat. Charlie nodded a little bit.
“Well… Alright, but still, you have to go get an ice pack from Hager,” Cameron said.
“Tell him we were horsing around and I pushed you too hard and you hit your head on the desk,” Charlie offered.
“You’ll get demerits for that, Dalton,” Cameron stated.
“I don’t care. Neil?”
“I… Alright. Thanks, Charlie,” he nodded, standing up and making his way to Dr. Hager’s room. Charlie stayed with Neil after getting the ice pack since Cameron had to study.
“Neil, really, I didn’t know he would do that. I’m really sorry,” he confessed.
“It’s alright, Charlie,” Neil’s voice was quiet, like a small stream in the middle of a huge forest.
“I can go talk to him? I mean, I don’t know where he went but–”
“He called me a queer,” tears came back to Neil’s eyes.
“I… I know, Neil, but you… you even said that he probably didn’t mean it. It’s not his fault?”
“I-I know, but… It still hurts all the same, Charlie,” Neil sobbed into the ice pack quietly. Frowning, Charlie sat next to his friend, all out of words to console him.
Todd sat out in the woods until it was dark out, and even then he felt no impulse to return to campus. Grappling with his thoughts and flashbacks throughout the evening, he had scratched his arm so hard that it bled. Everything that had happened to him in the past few months had crescendoed into a great, big mess– him hitting the boy he liked in the face and hurting someone he considered a friend (or at least an acquaintance). And he couldn’t believe it. How would he ever recover from this? Once his tears and the blood on his arm had dried, he got up from the stump, his joints aching from sitting so long. With swollen, salty eyes and lips, and bruised knuckles, Todd made his way back to Welton in the dark. Casting his eyes upon the stone architecture of the school he had gotten to know pretty well in the past couple months, he felt a sense of familiarity he didn’t know he needed. Glancing at his watch, he realized everyone would likely be at dinner, which made him feel better about returning to the room.
When he got there, though, he found Neil still there, laying in bed with his back to the door. Todd didn’t say anything, just stood in the middle of the room for a second before closing the door. Neil’s head perked up slightly at this, and he turned over.
“Oh,” he started, sitting up, “hey,” he sniffled, wiping his nose tenderly. He had been crying. And a bruise had spread mostly under his left eye and cheek. Seeing Neil sitting there with his pleading, puffy eyes and bruises, Todd felt a pit open in his stomach and the pang in his chest came back; it was an all too familiar scene– one he had seen in what felt like a jolting nightmare, years ago. Only this time, it was Todd’s doing. He didn’t really know what to say; his voice felt like gum under a desk. He opened his mouth to speak, but Neil, ever-caring, beat him to it, “Are you okay?” which took Todd by total and complete surprise.
“I-I… What?” he looked up at Neil.
“I asked if you’re okay,” Neil repeated, sitting forward.
“I… A-Are you?” Todd stumbled over his words, barely able to look Neil in the eyes.
“Believe it or not, this is the first time this has happened to me… There really is a first for everything,” he said with an airy laugh. Todd had physically assaulted Neil, and he was still somehow finding a way to make light of it.
“Neil, I…” Todd paused.
“What?”
“You should be mad at me,” weirdly enough, Todd’s accent was gone. Neil was looking at his lap, searching for words when his head shot up and he looked up at Todd.
“What happened to your accent from earlier?” Todd’s eyes went wide, “And don’t lie, either… Clearly, you’re not from Arizona,” Neil raised his eyebrows.
“Why aren’t you mad at me,” Todd demanded, standing his ground and still, desperately trying to avoid what seemed moments away from spilling out.
“I am, but I’m not. I know why you did it, but it’s not something you have to admit to me. It’s something you have to admit to yourself,” Neil shrugged. Todd’s insides flared, his jaw clenching, “What, are you going to hit me again for what I just said?” Neil was looking straight at Todd. Todd studied Neil’s face, somehow still the most perfect work of art Todd had ever seen. Sighing and at an utter loss for words, Todd laid in bed, his back to Neil. Neil returned the sigh, and Todd heard him lay back down, “I think you’ll feel better in the morning,” Neil said. And that’s the last thing Todd remembered.
tagging some people again (if y’all are still around): @queertoddanderson @babytoddanderson @cupiiid@justarandompjofan@charliedaltonofficial @pretentious-strikes @caffeineconstellations @wellredacademic @aedan-mills @noelliza @babybxrahae
Mkay so I've said this before but your blog is 100% the reason I started a blog. Like I sent you one of these lil message thingies asking for a headcanon and what you gave me made me so happy that I wanted to make other people that happy, and that's why I became active. Thank you so so much for that, even though you did it unknowingly. It means the world.
[id: a light blue userbox with a pastel blue border, and pastel blue text that reads “this user loves james wilson”. on the left is an image of james wilson from house md. /end id]
We all talk about Neil's heart eyes when the camera shifts to him after Todd's impromptu poetry but you know what else we should talk more about? Todd just sitting there breathless while watching Neil perform.
